{count your blessings}

I have much to be thankful for this November 24th.  Really everyday, but today we are more mindful of our blessings.  This year I am especially mindful of these blessings.  I am thankful for my health.  December 4th will be one year that I discovered lumps in my left breast and on December 22 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am sitting at my dining room table right now with my dad and Tony talking about this.  My dad said he was just thinking about this and when I looked at Tony while talking about this my eyes started to tear up and as I write this I am on the verge of tears.  This has been a year of testing my strength and seeing what I am made of.  I never thought the end of this year would come.  There were days I couldn't even think about the end of 2011 because it felt too far away to even think about.  Days stood still while waiting for tests, waiting for surgery to be scheduled, waiting to heal, waiting for recovery to feel complete, waiting to get back to my before.  But this day has come and I am thankful beyond words for this day.  What I wanted most this year was a healthy body and for my recovery to be complete.  I spent three and a half weeks sitting in a chair in our room, having to take it very easy after two major surgeries.  I spent weeks in the gym doing bare minimum WODs, I spent more weeks slowly building up my strength, slowly waiting for my recovery to feel complete.  This day came in October.  My goal after my first surgery on February 2nd was to do the CrossFit benchmark workout "Grace" at the women's prescribed weight of 95# during the month of October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. On October 15th I reached this goal and put an end to my "recovery".

The ultimate piece of my goal was holding this weight overhead 30 times.  This picture signifies a cancer battle won.  It signifies reaching my goals complete with triumphs and tears.  It represents the very end of my recovery.  I have no limitations, my strength is very close to where it was before and nothing is keeping me from doing what I want in the gym.  This picture shows a survivor.  One I am very proud of for getting to where she is today and how she fought her battle.

Almost eleven months ago to the day I was standing in CrossFit Flathead after getting a phone call from my doctor with horrible news.  My coach was one of the first people I told.  After a huge hug he got on task.  Plans to keep me strong, get me stronger before surgery, keep coming, keep moving.  I am so thankful for his caring heart and knowledge.  Knowing just what my body could do before and after surgery.  Knowing the days to just let me be alone with my workout.  Giving a much needed hug in the middle of a workout when I would breakdown crying.  Letting me quit in the middle of "Fran" which then gave me the strength to keep going.  Everyday I am thankful for my gym family and Coach B for giving me the strength and support to get through days that I couldn't do it myself.  I am thankful for what these people have brought into my life and what our community as a whole brings to this world.

I am thankful for all of my friends and every single thing that each of them brings to my life.  For new friends I have met through CrossFit, online and otherwise.  For friends far away that I talk to every single day.  For friends far away that I don't get to talk to often, but when we do it is like we take everyday.  For coffee dates with friends and a girl's night out with cocktails.  For friends that find the strength to overcome and move forward.  For the health and happiness of my friends.

I am thankful for my kids that make me pull my hair out everyday, but make me laugh and smile even more everyday.  I am thankful for the people that they are.  Sometimes selfish and frustrating, but more often being kind, polite and caring little people that give us a glimpse of the adults they will be.  For finding the joy in silly things like mustaches, awesome cars and Justin Bieber.  For first experiences like broken hearts, boyfriends and makeup. For loving to be active and making healthy choices  for their bodies.  For wanting to help others even if those "others" don't include each other.  I am thankful for being their mom.

But this year I am most thankful for my husband.  The person that completes my life.  I am thankful for his strong shoulders that carried the weight of the family responsibilities and the cancer so I wouldn't have to carry all of it myself.  For his arms wrapped around me while I cried in bed or broke down crying during the day.  For his presence through every test and step needed in my journey to being cancer free.  For the quiet moment sitting on the side of our bed that I will never forget before leaving for the hospital before my first surgery.  For his encouraging words on days that I didn't want to go to the gym.  For caring for me after surgery, changing bandages, emptying drains, washing my hair, shaving my underarms when I couldn't lift my arms, getting my meds, making meals, etc.  For loving my body like it never changed.  For missing the same things that I lost with my "old body".  For being the man in my life that loves me unconditionally with an overflowing heart, patience and forgiveness.  For his goofy silly antics that make me laugh and call him a "goofball".  For his laugh when he finds himself so funny. For his dedication to his job.  For being the kind of man that I want my son to be.  I love you, babe.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!  Be sure to tell those that you love you are thankful for them.  You never want to miss the opportunity to do so.

{the vfwbp}

My blog is titled "CrossFit, Family and Life in Between". It seems like I post a lot about CrossFit and a lot about "Life in Between", but not as much specifically about "Family". So this begins a series of posts dedicated to family.

If you know me, you know that I love baked goodies, cookies, brownies, cake, etc. and I LOVE to bake, especially this time of year. However, because of how we choose to eat I hung up my baking apron a long time ago and rarely put it back on. I miss it. I love the smell of something delicious baking. I love seeing the finished product cooling on wire racks on my countertop. I miss biting into a hot, gooey cookie right out of the oven. I miss looking through my cookbooks and finding new sweet treats to bake on a cold Fall or Winter day. I have three favorite cookie cookbooks. I have had others over the years, but these three made the cut when downsizing my cookbook collection. I still love sitting and looking through them, maybe drooling a little, though I rarely make anything out of them.

I bought this cookbook when we lived in Nevada and I was in my "country" decor and craft phase. There is a whole series of these books. Great country crafts, homey recipes for comfort food and fun family tradition stories and ideas. This is the only one I have left of the handful that I had.

This book has a special place in my heart. If you were to ask me what my favorite gift is that Tony has ever bought for me I would say this cookbook without hesitation. Not long after we were married when we were in college and broke, of course, we were living in married student housing at Montana State University. Tony worked almost full-time at the Safeway grocery store. He came home late one night from work with this $6.95 cookie cookbook for me and said, "I saw this and it made me think of you." It made my heart happy. I love this cookbook. :)

This cookbook is also from my country, crafty phase. I loved the Taste of Home magazines that I got in the mail every other month. The recipes were so yummy and perfect comfort food. But, I soon outgrew these cookbooks as our diet changed, but of course, the cookie cookbook made the cut and still has a permanent place on my cookbook shelf.

So now that my love for everything cookies is pretty apparent, I will get to the main reason for this blog post. I search for and hold onto things that bring me comfort. I love things that make my life feel settled and bring calm to my life. With a busy family of five sometimes that is hard to do. I've decided that I want to bring baking back into my days because it is one of my happy places. I don't mean Paleo friendly baking. I don't care who you are you can't honestly tell me it is the same. The texture isn't the same, the taste isn't the same and the joy of making sinful goodies isn't the same. So I have decided that we are going to start a Vanorny Family Winter Baking Project, a VFWBP if you will. :) Every week we are going to take turns choosing a new sweet treat recipe from our favorite cookbooks and we are going to bake them together. There are going to be messy counters, dirty dishes, fun pictures and great memories. Sometimes we will share our goodies with others. Other times we may decide to finish them off ourselves. Other times I expect there just won't be any left to even consider who to share them with they will disappear so fast. My youngest daughter loves to bake, but rarely gets the chance simply because we don't bake much or eat many baked goods in our house. This bums her out so I am excited for her to do something she loves. We will enjoy in moderation and I expect my workouts on Monday may not feel that great, but for the wonderful memories as a family and hearing Kenna say, "This is going to be SO fun!" I am willing to take that chance.

So our Fall of baking is put into action by Abigail. Yesterday she wanted to make a spice cake, but we didn't have the ingredients for the frosting she wanted so she decided on pumpkin bread instead. We all agreed it got two thumbs up!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Ingredients
3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 (16 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup water

Directions
In a large bowl, combine sugar, oil and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine dry ingredients; add to the pumpkin mixture alternately with water. Pour into two greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 60-65 minutes or until bread tests done. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack; cool completely.

I think this was best after it was cooled, wrapped up and sat overnight. Yummo! So moist and delicious! Enjoy!

{amazing things happen}

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer I ran into a friend. She told me a little story about a gal she knows that is a survivor. Well after she had gone through treatment she received a call from a breast cancer organization asking for donations. She told them she had given breast cancer enough and wasn't going to give it anymore. Part of me was saddened by this, that cancer can have such a strong effect on somebody even after you are healthy and healed again. Part of me could also understand her way of thinking and I wondered if I would feel the same after all was said and done. When the Relay for Life came around I kept thinking that I should make the effort to join a team or start a team at our gym. I didn't have it in me. A small part of me felt that way. I don't have anymore to give to cancer. Then October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, rolled around and a dear friend of mine found herself going through what I did. All of a sudden I felt this desperate feeling that I couldn't NOT do something to raise awareness, for my friend, for other women I know, for women who will be diagnosed, for me. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way when October rolled around. All along I had thought about doing some kind of workout or fundraiser, but I didn't know if I would actually get around to making it happen. Well, happen it did.

With one week to plan (our original date was opening day of hunting season and you don't mess with hunting season in our neck of the woods) I jumped in feet first into planning chaos. Okay, not really chaos, but busy, craziness. By nature I am NOT a fundraising kind of girl. I don't like asking friends (usually only friends) for money or to buy things from my kids. Anytime that our kids have been involved in activities that involve fundraising we skip the fundraiser and just make a personal donation. Fundraising brings images of kids selling magazines, wrapping paper and other overpriced trinkets. Girl Scouts tempting us with their annual cookie sales (One of the last times I bought Girl Scout cookies they sat in my pantry untouched for about a year. How does that even happen one might ask? Honestly, I have no idea.) Then somewhere along the way the Boy Scouts jumped on board and started selling popcorn. Thank goodness for my arse they quit selling chocolate covered caramel corn. It's my kryptonite! So this is what comes to mind when I think of fundraising. I don't like fundraising because it seems so little of the amount sold actually goes to the organization. I just researched this a bit regarding Girl Scout Cookies. The troop that does all the work selling mass quantities of cookies keeps about 14% of the sales, about $.49/box. I know there are other costs to be covered, but those girls and troop leaders work their tail off to sell those cookies.

So like I said, I'm not a fundraising kind of girl, except, for this time. This time it is personal. This time it is something I believe in. This time it is something that brings tears to my eyes when I sit and think about it. This time it is something that is SO important to the lives of so many women. This time not planning something wasn't an option. So with one week to plan I went way out of my comfort zone to pull together something that is so important to me. Something that makes my chest ache because I feel like I can't do enough.

During the month of October, CrossFit gyms across the country host "Barbells for Boobs" events to raise money for a wonderful organization in Southern California. This organization provides grants to other breast cancer organization and provides free mammograms to underinsured and uninsured women across the country. I looked into hosting a "Barbells for Boobs" event, but I wondered how many of those dollars we would see here in our little corner of Northwest Montana and would people really be excited about donating money to an organization in Southern California. I wanted all of the money we raised to remain local. I wanted to help women in our valley. So I did a little research and discovered we have a local organization that provides free mammograms, education and post-surgery prosthetics to women that can't afford these services. The Save a Sister Foundation. So I stopped in to talk to them, got their okay to use their name on our flyers and I went out to spread the word and raise some money for a great cause. I spent all day Sunday typing up flyers, sign in sheets, information sheets, making lists, brainstorming ideas, etc. Monday I posted and delivered flyers at numerous places in the valley. We invited fire departments and police departments. I went to the rival high schools in town and invited their staff, suggesting they wear their colors and some pink and was sure to let them know I was inviting their rival school, as well. I invited my doctor's offices that I have visited numerous times during my recovery and I visited friend's businesses asking if they might consider a donation. Asking for donations was easy. Making this happen was easy. People appreciated that all the proceeds we brought in were going to stay local.

This morning was our fundraiser. "Amazing Grace" Raising the Bar for Breast Cancer Awareness. We arrived at the gym around 7:30 with great excitement. The kids were all ready to participate. They all wore pink. Kenna from head to toe complete with a pony tail sprayed pink. Ty wore a shirt that said, "I wear PINK for my MOM" and had a pink fauxhawk. Abigail work pink zebra striped socks, pink leg warmers and a bracelet that said, "My mom is a survivor." There was pink ribbon tied on the door. We had set up the night before. We had a training and warmup area to get our guest CrossFitters ready for the workout and we had half the gym taped off for the workout area. We had CrossFit ladies working the check in table and CrossFit friends working the tshirt table. We had water bottles with pink breast cancer labels printed with "CrossFit Flathead "Amazing Grace". We had the whiteboard all ready to write the names of people in each heat. We had five coaches ready to coach. We had our CrossFit community ready to jump in where needed to count reps for participants, strip weights, reload bars, help where they were needed, no questions asked. We were ready to get this show on the road.

We had more guest CrossFitters than we did CrossFitters join us! My friend brought her daughter and ten of her and my daughter's friends from school. We had CrossFit Flathead kids ready to workout. We ran two kid's only heats. We had four wonderful ladies from the Bass Breast Center and Save a Sister to support our efforts. My breast surgeon was one of them. In my welcoming "speech" I acknowledged these ladies and started to tear up and couldn't speak for a minute when I said that I should call my surgeon daily and thank her for making me cancer free. I didn't expect that, but I should have known that I would tear up sometime. We ran seven heats with an eight minute time cap. We ran 57 people through workouts in about an hour! Everything ran smoothly and everybody had fun. More than the money and support I wanted everybody to have fun and enjoy what we have in our gym, a great community of people.

My morning was amazing! I'm proud of what I did. I had a goal set for our gym to raise enough money to pay for five mammograms. 12 percent of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their life time. I guessimated how many women were in our gym and figured 12% of that number. Statistically five women in our gym could get breast cancer. That is at least how many mammograms I wanted our gym to pay for. We exceeded my expectations big time! Our community of people and our friends were so generous. If you are reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you!

My friend posted this on my Facebook wall today and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this, R.

"I will remember the pink ribbon on the door into Crossfit, I will remember opening the door and seeing a sea of everything pink, I will remember fighting back tears as you thanked your doctor and her nurses, I will remember not trying to fight tears as you fought GRACE and won huge, I will remember your beautiful family and your daughter's bracelet stating, "My mom is a survivor", I will remember Tony's sweet embrace and not letting you go after the gym was cleared and cleaned . . ."

Here is what I will remember...

I will remember my husband's support. I will remember my kid's enthusiasm and my son's eagerness to wear pink when that is so not his thing. I will remember my coach's hug and his text saying, "Very proud of you." I will remember PRs on the board. I will remember a friend saying, "Sorry I couldn't do 90 seconds." I will remember great workout gear: lots of pink (including the men), long socks (again, the men, too), a pink tutu-like skirt. I will remember standing still for a moment and taking in our packed gym and feeling the electricity. I will remember being the last person to finish my heat and hearing the gym cheer for me. I will remember doing "Grace" Rx in October, this was my #1 goal in the gym after my surgery. I will remember my surgeon coming up to me and giving me a hug right after my workout. I will remember my daughter counting my reps, my husband cheering me on and my youngest daughter coming and hugging me before my workout. I will remember all the stickers people were wearing that read "In honor of..." and "In memory of..." I will remember my friend's son, A, saying, "I worked out for you" and then giving me a hug. I will remember looking up into the crowd during my welcoming "speech" and seeing tears in my friend's eyes. I will remember the generosity of people, monetary and with their time. I will remember turning and looking at the empty gym as we walked out the door. I will remember the wonderful thing that happened at CrossFit Flathead on this Saturday morning.

This was a huge growing week for me and a week of working outside of my comfort zone. I found something I am passionate about and something I want to do more of and be a part of. I want to be a part of something that gives women the resources to be an advocate of their breast health. I have confidently walked into businesses and asked them to display our flyer and invited them to join our gym in a fundraiser for a great cause. I have asked people if they would like to donate money to a great local foundation without feeling uncomfortable asking for a donation. I walked into the police and fire department and spoke with their respective chiefs about our fundraiser and asked them to join us. I stood up for myself and for something that is dear to me and that I believe in and in turn hopefully one person learned a lesson in kindness and respect. I found something that I want to be a part of. I found something that makes my chest ache because I think it is so important. I found something that brings tears to my eyes when I see what I can do for this "something". After all is said and done, I found something greater than the memory of having cancer.

"Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something."

{breast cancer revisited}

Last week I found out a dear friend of mine has breast cancer. Her sibling called me to tell me because she wasn't up for a phone call yet and wanted to talk to me a little bit about it. It was like somebody sucker punched me. I knew that someday somebody I knew or a friend of mine would get this horrible news, that she had breast cancer. I just wasn't prepared for it to be so close to home or so soon after I had just gone through this. Every emotion, every fear, every worry came flooding back. It opens up a wound that is still pretty raw. A wound that is pretty healed over, but cancer is such a deep cut that it takes a long time for it to totally heal and feel strong enough of to withstand any kind of blow. It makes me sick to my stomach that my friend is feeling everything that I felt. I can feel all of it like it was yesterday or like I am still in the middle of it. The uncertainty, the feeling that the process can't move fast enough, the fear that it will spread and grow while you are playing the horrible "waiting game", every unknown that you worry about, everything that makes you want to sit in the corner of your couch and cry and just be sad and scared.

We have exchanged texts over the past week and today we met over tea to talk. She wanted to be flooded with information, knowledge. Knowledge is power. I feel it is just knowing what to expect that can ease some of the fears. That is what I wanted to share with her. I didn't have that. I didn't have anybody that had recently been in my shoes to give me this information. Somedays I felt like I was floundering for something that would tell me what it would be like on the other side. So I told her things that I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been prepared for what my reconstructed breasts were going to look like when I woke up. How horribly swollen they were and how bruised I was, that I have pictures of a few of the recovery stages if she would like to see them. How you won't be able to push yourself up to a seated position in bed with your arms because it hurts so bad. That a chair that reclines a bit with an ottoman was so much more comfortable than my bed. The tingling as the tissue heals and the itching that you can't satisfy because your breasts are numb and you can't feel anything when you touch them. The uncomfortable contraction of the pec muscles as the stretch and heal. The tightness and range of motion you lose in your chest and arms. Be diligent about getting it back. There were so many things I wanted to share with her that I didn't know going into this.

We talked about so much in three hours over tea and could have stayed longer (as it was longer would have been okay since we both already had a parking ticket by the time we left). I just wanted to say something that would totally ease her mind. But, I know from experience there isn't anything that can be said that does that. Until the waiting game is over, the cancer is gone and the recovery has run it's course there isn't anything that can be said that really eases your mind. So all I can do is be there for whatever she needs from me.

After I was diagnosed a friend told me that maybe this happend to me because I was meant to slay the dragons so that I could help somebody one day. I think today I helped her, she needed somebody to talk to that fully understood. It helped me, too. It helped to talk about it and remember all that I have overcome and it is always good for the soul to help and comfort somebody you care about. So I guess I did slay a dragon so that I could one day help somebody slay their own dragon. I still wish I hadn't had to and I so wish she wasn't right now. But, it is what it is and we both move forward in each our forward directions. She has always been such a wonderful friend and was a wonderful friend when I was doing my slaying. But, now we have this connection. A connection that many people can't understand unless you have been there. An understanding of fear, worry and the unknown. Breast cancer makes sisters of two people that wouldn't have had that bond otherwise. I'm blessed to have this friend and I wish her all the strength and peace this world has to offer. Dragons beware and prepare to be slain.

{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{a teary, wonderful milestone}

What were you doing six months ago? I was doing something pretty spectacular. I was becoming cancer free. Actually right at the time that I am typing this I already was thanks to the hands of an amazing surgeon. Today I had my first six month follow up appointment with my oncology surgeon. Until I am five years cancer free I will go into see her for regular checkups. For two years I will see her every six months, for three more years I will see her every 12 months, more frequently if there are any concerns.

My appointments will pretty much consist of a breast exam and to address any concerns that I might have. You might wonder why a breast exam since I had mine removed. Well, it is impossible to remove every single breast cell so the breasts, underarms and the area around the collar bone are examined paying special attention to the outer edges of where the breast tissue was removed. My surgeon told me that I have very healthy skin and that played a large roll the success of my recovery. She said if she has to do surgery on a "30-something" woman, it is nice to have to do it on a healthy one. For some reason I have more scar tissue on my left side, but continuing to work with my physical therapist with help with that. She told me that my plastic surgeon does a very good job and only about 10% of women will have the results I did and she was very happy I was one of them. :-) So am I!! I was also informed I would not have to have regular mammograms anymore. I have been told by other survivors to consider having them on the small chance that cancer reoccurs in the small bit of breast tissue that was left behind. I will research that and discuss it with my doctor at my one-year checkup.

I also brought my $48 mastectomy tank with me and asked if she had a patient that could use it. I have no use for it and it seemed such a shame to just toss it out when there is probably a woman out there without insurance that can use it. Sure enough they have a bank of items available to patients in need. It felt good to leave it for a strong woman that was going to hopefully conquer her own battle. At the end of my appointment my doctor handed me a sheet to keep filed away with my important papers that listed everything I had done, the date of my mastectomy and reconstruction, what my diagnosis was and the date diagnosed, the doctors I had, etc. She said thirty years down the road if the information was needed I would have it all in one place. A very nice piece of paper to have. When she was going through the information I discovered my cancer had been upgraded from Stage 0 to Stage 1 because of the small invasive tumor that was found during my surgery. For some reason this kind of made my stomach sink even though it is of no danger to me anymore. I guess I just liked the sound of Stage 0 better than Stage 1. She also handed me a pamphlet titled, "Now What? Resources for Healthy Survivorship." It is a pamphlet her office had printed up that included general appointment and mammogram schedules, other general post-recovery information and a list of local rehab and support group resources. A very useful list of information, all in one place, in one small packet.

I left my appointment into the warm, sunny day smiling and feeling just flat out happy!!! I expected a clean bill of health, but having your brilliant surgeon tell you is such a different feeling. I also didn't expect to be affected so emotionally by my check up. I had to keep myself from tearing up on the drive home. I walked in the door smiling and told Tony I was given a clean bill of health he smiled and kissed me. That was when I wrapped my arms around him, he wrapped me up in his arms and I cried. Six months cancer free. It is a good place to be. I was never fearful for my life after I was diagnosed, but I was scared on so many occasions, frustrated on just as many occasions and just sad on many other days. Thankfully I think I have felt better more often than not and I am proud of myself for that. I feel one of my biggest battles is to be a more positive person and overall I feel I have faced this time of my life head on with a good attitude. A friend who is having some health concerns right now asked me for some advise. All I could tell her is that you have to take everything moment by moment. I also told myself many times that regardless of news that I received there wasn't anything I could do about it, nothing I could do to change the news. My only option was to move forward and begin my journey to the recovery side. One day at a time is the only way to get to tomorrow.

Last week a friend said, "Six months already?! Though I'm sure it feels much longer to you." Looking back it really seems crazy that six months have passed. However, there were certain stages of that six months that felt like they would never pass. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. On my one month mark of being cancer free a friend said, "Before you know it it will be one year!" I vividly remember getting a sick feeling in my stomach and thinking "I can't even think about one year!" It seriously felt like a lifetime away. Now I think it will be here before I know it. At many points of my recovery all I wanted was for 2011 to come to an end. Not anymore. I'm over the worst of it and now I just get to live free of anything weighing on me. No waiting for tests, surgeries or appointments, no recovery, no limitations or restrictions. Now I just get to move forward and it is a beautiful place to be. I am so thankful for everyday, I look forward to turning 40, 41, 42, etc, I cherish my husband and my family, I recognize the people that matter most to me, I know the value of true friendship and most importantly I recognize the strength and courage that I possess. Recognizing this strength and courage will get you through the worst days of your life. I was watching NY Ink a couple months ago (this won't surprise many of you that know me!) and there was a guy featured on the episode that was getting a tattoo in memory of his mother that had passed away in the past year. After it was finished he said something along the lines of it being a constant reminder of his mother and knowing she was with him all the time and he was just going to go out and live his life having nothing but good days because after losing his mother there could be no bad days because that was the worst day of his life. I have lost my mom, a best friend and I have had cancer. After experiencing those things there aren't anymore bad days. So I am taking my strength and courage, I am waking up everyday and I am having good days. There are no bad days left.

What Cancer Can Not Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the spirit.

{work it baby}

Work it! That's what I have been doing in the gym. In fact, two-three days per week I am doing two-a-day workouts. My chiropractor and fellow athlete asked me "Why two-a-days? Are you making up for lost time?" No, I wouldn't say I am making up for lost time. I am just impatient and I want to get to where I was before and get there as soon as I can, but only as fast as my body will let me. I have lost time in the gym. I'm not going to get that time back. So, I make the best of the time that I have in the gym. I have the luxury of being able to hit the gym twice a day a few days a week. I have a coach that knows what I need to do and what I am capable of to get my strength back. I have the desire to be stronger than I was before. I have "the strength to rise". But, on the road to every rise there are speedbumps. :( Fortunately, for me I may be hitting my first speedbump. About ten days ago while doing pullups I started to have some new pain right at the site where one of my hernias was repaired. I'm wondering if I may have tore one open again. Ugh! I had a quick chat with my coach to see if he thinks I tried coming back too hard. He didn't think so. I haven't been moving a crazy amount of weight. I'm avoiding the movements that my surgeon said she wanted me to stay away from for a couple more weeks. I'm listening to my body and I listen closely. I take an extra rest day when I need it and I avoid a movement if it doesn't feel right even if it felt right the day before. In fact, my belly started hurting doing a movement that my surgeon said would be okay. I'm hoping it is just some tightness from scar tissue starting to stretch out with new movements and I'm worrying about nothing. I will find out on Tuesday when I pay an early visit to my surgeon at 11 weeks post surgery. I'm saying many little prayers that I won't have to have another surgery to repair another hernia. So tomorrow I will workout like I have been, carefully and mindful of what my body is telling me.

So, I have my workout journal sitting beside me so I can update my last ten days in the gym. Our workout journals are a great tool to our success in the gym and are kept in a file cabinet in the gym. Everyday we write down the date, the workout, what weight, box height or modifications we used, if the workout was scaled and our time if the workout was "for time". It is also a place to write down what was going on for the day in your world. Did you eat right? Did you eat crap for the day or the night before? Were you running on very little sleep? Anything else that you might find important for the day that may affect your workout. I also add what time I workout. All of this is important so when a workout comes back around in the gym you can look back and compare workouts to see how you have progressed over time. Last week I opened my journal and found it is also a place for a little special note from my hubby. :)

Read on for my workouts on my road back to before.

July 15, 2011
"Nutts" WOD #1
10- Dumbbell Press 15#
15-Deadlifts 95#
25 Box Jumps 18"time
25 Pullups
100 - Front squats 15# (last 40 reps I did thrusters)
200 - Double Unders
400m run
19:31

WOD #2 "Press Ladder"
Dumbbell Press 10 reps
5-8-10-15-20-25(2)
Dumbbell Push Press 8 reps
15-20-25-30(6)

July 18, 2011
WOD #1
On top of the minute 3 burpees- complete 75 thrusters, 45#.
7:43

WOD #2
Deadlift
10 reps @ 75#
8 reps @ 95#
6 reps @ 135#
4 reps @ 155#
3x3 reps @ 165#

July 19, 2011
Back Squats #115
5-5-5-5-5
Bent Over Row
12-12-12-12
65#-70#-70#-70#
Straight Leg Deadlift
8-8-8-8-
95#-95#-105#-115#

July 23, 2011
WOD #1
Snatch Balance
3-3-3-3-3
45#-50#-55#-65#-65#
then:
30 situps
30 double unders
3 rounds for time: 3:50

WOD #2
Dumbbell Bench Press Ladder-feet up
10 reps
10#-15#-20#-25#-30#

July 24, 2011
Outrigger Canoe Rowing at Whitefish Beach!!!
Gorgeous sunny day with great people!!

{bake'n eggs}

Time for a new recipe. I made these for the first time quite awhile ago and just made them for the second time tonight. I came across this recipe in a kid's cookbook by DK Publishing, "Kid's Fun and Healthy Cookbook".

Most of this cookbook is irrelevant to our family. Though the recipes are fun, nearly all of them aren't considered healthy by what we generally eat. We really try our best to avoid grains, legumes and dairy in our diet. Following a Paleo diet that is closely followed by the CrossFit community. However, this cookbook is easy and fun for kids to use and this recipe was perfect and just like the cookbook boasted, fun!

Baked Eggs and Ham

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Lightly brush four holes of a large muffin tin with a little oil. This prevents the ham from sticking.

Arrange a slice of ham in each hole. Carefully tirm the slices to make them even, but make sure that the ham is still slightly above the edge of the tin.

One by one, crack an egg into a small bowl and pour it into each ham-lined hollow. Bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes, or until the egg has set. BLOGGER NOTE: I had to bake these at least 20 minutes for the white to be totally firm. Any kind of egg white slime gives me the heebie-jeebies! Ugh!

Using oven mitts, remove the tray from the oven and leave it to cool for a few mintues. Carefully lift out the egg cups with a small spatula. Belly up and enjoy!

These pics were from the first batch I made awhile back. As you can see I have "blackened ham" which isn't quite the culinary treat as "blackened salmon". I baked these in my top oven which is small and the ham was pretty close to the element so the ham got pretty crispy. The second batch I made the other night turned out perfectly in my full-size oven.

{here we go}

Part of my plan for this blog was to document my workouts on my road back to "before" in the gym. I searched high and low on the internet trying to find good info and training guidelines for recovery after a mastectomy and reconstruction. In all of my research I came across ONE article about a fellow CrossFit athlete that was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 32. Her cancer was more advanced than mine. She had a mastectomy, lymph node removal and started chemo three weeks later. She had reconstruction done a year later. Before my first surgery I emailed her and she emailed me right back with very encouraging words and directed me to her blog, Living Strong: Staying CrossFit, Healthy and Cancer Free. She documented her workouts from the very beginning of her recovery. I have to say I failed in this regard. I had planned to do the same thing and fell short. That's okay. I am going to slowly post my workouts starting after my first surgery and then do a separate post with links to those series of blog posts. So if you are here looking for these workouts please be patient and look for a link to those workouts on the right side of my blog.

For now I am going to start with my first workout post-surgery #2. My second surgery was a little bit more involved than I had originally anticipated. I had a couple small hernias near my belly button and my ab muscles had separated with my first pregnancy so while I was under for the second stage of my reconstruction my surgeon fixed all that up for me. She repaired the hernias, sutured my ab muscles back together and she did liposuction on my abdomen to redistribute around my implants to soften up there appearance. Let me quickly say that this part of my reconstruction was the best thing that was done. I think this made me the most comfortable and pleased with my new body and that is a huge thing. With all the additional ab work I couldn't workout at all until six weeks post surgery. (Had it not been for the works on my abs I would have been back in the gym about a week post-surgery.) That was a BRUTAL wait! So, my workouts started then. Well, about "then". :) I snuck back to the gym three days before the six week mark. I couldn't stand it anymore.

At my six week appointment I was given the okay to workout avoiding specific chest and ab movements for another couple weeks. Per an email exchange with my surgeon she also said no heavy weight overhead and no movements that put a strong contraction on my pecs. Coach said we are going to start with just getting my body moving again. I won't go great guns until September. Just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness month in October and "Grace". :)

During my workouts I wear a compression sleeve on my left arm where lymph nodes were removed during my mastecomy. Wearing the sleeve is a precautionary measure to help prevent lymphedema. Lymphedema can occur when the lymph system has been damaged or compromised. In the case of breast cancer, when some or all of the lymph nodes have been removed to test if the cancer has spread or to remove infected lymph nodes. I bought a sleeve locally at a medical equipment store. It is your basic "granny beige" color. It does the job, but is ugly so I did a little searching online and found something a bit more my style! :) Please, ladies, don't give into ordinary and boring!!

Read on for the workouts. If you aren't interested in the workouts, please go about your day. :)

June 17, 2011
First day back in the gym after surgery #2
5 weeks, 4 days post surgery

3rd CrossFit Regionals WOD
Deadlifts-10 lb bar
Box steps-18" box
21-15-9
Felt SO good to move not just watch!

June 18, 2011
20 box steps - 18"
200m run
30 squats
200m run
60 singles jumps + 10 double unders
200m run
5 knee pushups
200m run
For time: 8:28

June 20, 2011
Snatch- 10#
Jumping Chest-to-Bar pullups
21-15-9
For time: 10:20

June 21, 2011
In warm up:
Overhead Squats
5-5-5
15-20-30
WOD:
Back Squats
5-5-5-5-5
65-70-75-80-85
Then:
Dumbbell Push Press Ladder
10 reps each weight until you can't move on
5-10-15-20-25 (3 reps)

June 24, 2011
"The Filthy 50s"
scaled to 30 reps each
Box Jumps-18" box (did 40 reps)
Jumping Pullups
Dumbbell Swings 15#
Walking lunges
Knees Raises on the pullup bar
Push Press 20#
GHD Hip Extentions
Wall Ball Shots 6#
Plank Burpees
(Burpees not dropping all the way to the floor only to a plank position to avoid the pushup and direct work to my pecs)
Double Unders
For time: 15:36

June 25, 2011
Bent over row 1/2 body weight goal 65# (this was half my body weight!!)
12-12-12-12
Deadlift - body weight goal 115#
9-9-9-9
Dumbbell Press Both arms, then alternate 10#
6-6-6-6
Sled Pull 2x120' 145#
HSPUs - to 2 abmats
6-6-6-6
Great lift day!!!

June 27, 2011
"Fight Gone Bad"
3 rounds
1 minute each movement, rest one minute between rounds

Wall Ball Shots 6# 31-25-27
Deadlift High Pulls 45# 23-19-20
Box Jumps 12" 20-21-21
Push Press 30# 26-26-27
Row (for calories) 13-11-14
Total: 324

12 Day Vacation-Did a few workouts while on vacation. Mostly I read and got a tan. :)

June 30, 2011
Front Squat
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3
45-50-55-60-65-70-75-80
Then:
10 Dumbbell swings 15#
15 Push Press 25#
20 Good mornings
3 rounds

July 1, 2011
1-1 1/4 mile run

July 5, 2011
15 ring rows
20 plank burpees
30 dumbbell swings 15#
30 dumbbell push press 10#
60 Double Unders
70 squats
80 walking lunges

July 10, 2011
2 mile run - 18:31

Back home in the gym-Tan and ready to fully move forward!!!

July 11, 2011
Press 1-1-1-1-1
Push Press 3-3-3-3-3
Push Jerk 5-5-5-5-5
30-35-40-45-50

July 12, 2011
"Fran"
Thrusters 30#
Toes-2-Bar - I did T2B for the set of 21 and about 8 of the 15 and then finished up with pullups.
21-15-9
For time: 6:31

July 13, 2011
Today I started two a days MWF. I will do a metcon and a lift of some sort on these days.
WOD #1
"Helen"
400m run
21 dumbbell swings
12 ring rows
3 rounds for time: 13:14

WOD #2
Back squat
10-10-10-10-10
45-55-65-75-85

{gentlemen, start your engines}

On June 21st I had my six week appointment with my plastic surgeon and I was given the okay to workout with some lingering restrictions. No movements that specifically target my abs or chest, but I could go overhead. She said, no crunches (um, what are crunches?) and no bench press (um, we don't really bench press). So this has been the problem with tackling workouts in the gym through this process of recovering after both of my surgeries. Since we don't work out like you would in a typical gym it is hard to determine what exactly can I do? We do functional movements. We use our entire body. We usually don't target a specific muscle or muscle group unless it is a lift day, which isn't as often as a metcon day (metcon=metabolic conditioning). So I leave most of this problem solving up to my coach and I listen to my body. Coach said that to start with we are just going to work on getting my body moving again. I will be gaining strength at the same time, but I won't be working with heavy weight. I can't put a lot of weight overhead for a few more weeks, but I have lost so much upper body strength that I can't anyways so that isn't a problem. Just getting my body moving again and regaining flexibility is key. I have noticed that I have to remind all my body parts how to work together again. Box jumps feel clumsy. Double unders feel a little out of control. I've lost core strength so overhead squats and snatch work feels wobbly. Everything just has to learn to work together again.

So as of today I am finally back in the gym full on. I had a little teaser week of being able to workout before we went on vacation and we worked out a couple times while we were gone, but today I am back without interruptions. No long vacations coming up, no prior commitments, just time in the gym. My main goal for the next year is to regain my strength, get back to where I was before and actually aim higher than that. I want to be able to do the sectional workouts, PR on "Grace" and do "Amanda" straight up. "Amanda" is going to take awhile. I think she will be the last to get checked off my list. I'm not sure that the sectional workouts will happen next year, but that's okay. I will judge and count again. "Grace"...I think I will see that PR first.

So my journey back to before begins. Like I said I had a bit of a teaser before we left on vacation for about two weeks. Don't tell my surgeon, but I actually put in three workouts before she gave me the okay. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to move my body and I was tired of watching workouts everyday in the gym. I needed to be a part of it again. I feel like for six months I have been left behind while everybody else moved forward. My legs ached from so little activity. My body is used to so much more. So, I went back three workouts early. Coach came over to me while I was warming up and said, "So, tell me what the doctor said." "Umm, well, I don't see her until Tuesday." :) I moved, used little weight and listened to my body for those three workouts and didn't hurt anything. After I was given the go ahead to start working out I sent my surgeon a message and asked her what exactly was being protected by not doing specific chest exercises. I asked so that we could better determine what I could and couldn't do in the gym. So she would understand what we do in the gym and how we workout I sent her the following video. It isn't our gym, but it was a great video showing CrossFit women doing what we do best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8NXbnZMqdE&feature=related

Here was part of the response I got. :)

"Awesome! Even worse than I was afraid of :) Definitely yes to PT and massage now..... It will be 6 more weeks before you should be doing THAT kind of arm lifting/ chest workouts....if you even can--- it will take a number of months to build up again.... What happened to 10# dumbbells and water aerobics.....why don't you scrapbook and make some f-ing curtains like normal women ???? Just kidding....you're doing it all RIGHT!"

Well...said "normal" women and those 10# weights and water aerobics is why I haven't been able to find good information for coming back after a mastectomy and reconstruction for somebody who works out hard and was pretty darn strong when being diagnosed with breast cancer. I think I was stronger and more fit than the general population. From what I have read and was told, many women accept tightness, less strength and limitations as their new "normal". No thank you. This new "normal" isn't acceptable. I lost something when I was diagnosed with cancer, but it wasn't my ability to be strong again. To squat 235 again, to do "Fran" again at a pace that makes me want to puke, to run a 24:00 5K again, to do muscle ups again, to do whatever I want again. I won't accept the aftermath of a mastectomy and reconstruction as the end of my limits. I already know it is going to be a long journey with lots of hard work involved to get back to where I was before. But, I choose that journey because it is better than the purgatory of cancer and surgery that I have been in. I am finally at a point where I get to fully move forward. I am not waiting for the next surgery, my movements aren't really restricted, I don't have weight restrictions, my range of motion isn't limited. So move forward is exactly what I intend to do. I've been given the green flag and I'm going to run with it. I was going to say I plan to work until I come to the checkered flag, but you know what? I hope I never see that checkered flag because that signifies the end of the race and I don't plan to stop. Put a checkered flag on my grave, THAT is when I will stop working toward more for my body.

So, gentlemen, start your engines! The race is about to begin!

{a talk with the big guy}

I've been avoiding writing this blog because I feared that so many people will think I am a total freak about my performance in the gym. Rightfully so, perhaps. But, then I ran into a friend of mine that I met at our gym, but she moved away last Fall. She told me she thought I should blog about this because it may give encouragement to someone else who might be in the same shoes. For somebody to see that I am taking this head one and despite my struggles, frustrations and what I have been through I am going to work hard and fight my way back to where I was before. She told me she has always had great admiration for me. On a tough day, that was nice to hear so with her encouraging words ringing in my ear I decided to tackle this post. I started this blog to tell exactly how I am feeling and working through my process of becoming cancer free and recovery. I'm now cancer free, so that leaves me on the recovery side. My personal struggles aren't over so to help empty my head of them and to help me collect my thoughts, I blog.

If you read my blog you know that our gym is a serious happy place for me. There have been many times I have been having a bad day and all I want to do is get to the gym to be around my fellow CrossFit peeps, bust out a workout because during that one hour your body doesn't have the ability to think about anything except self-preservation. Survival. Victory. Victory over a workout that feels like it is going to crush you and very well might if you don't keep pushing through. Every workout ends with a slight feeling of euphoria and a silent little fist pump once you have peeled your weary body off the floor.

This used to be a CrossFit workout for me. Anxiety of what lies ahead or excitement of what lies ahead. It all depends on what the workout of the day is. Anxiety="Fran", thrusters, wall balls, burpees, rowing. Excitement=Overhead squats, cleans, snatch work, double unders, "Annie", pullups, running. After the workout it was satisfaction and excitement of how strong my body has become. I take my physical fitness seriously. Many people think I probably take it too seriously. Maybe I do, but I have one body but to take me through this lifetime and I plan to keep it as healthy as possible. Honestly, disease scares me and rightfully so as I have recently discovered. Like I said, this used to be a CrossFit workout for me. Not anymore. It hasn't been for awhile. Once I was diagnosed my drive in the gym quickly deteriorated. Between diagnosis and surgery I couldn't function. Mental stress does awful things to your body. It wore on me. It made my limbs feel like they were filled with lead. I couldn't push. I couldn't make myself go hard. I was sluggish at best. Frankly, I didn't care. Part of me knew I had to push hard to gain as much strength as possible before being restricted and was held back while I recovered. But, there was a stupid part of my brain that was like, "What's the point? You're going to be laid up and not be able to do much for a while anyways. You'll lose that strength anyways." That's the stupid "glass is half empty part of my brain" that I am trying so hard to lobotomize. Two weeks post bilateral mastectomy and reconstructive surgery I walked back into the gym . I was thrilled! I was happy to do whatever my body and motified-movements allowed. That excitement quickly slipped away from me as I stood amongst my friends and fellow athletes and watched them warm up doing the most basic of movements in our gym and I couldn't even do that. There were times that the only thing on the warm up board that I could do was the hip mobility exercises. No shoulder work, no push ups, no pull ups, no box jumps, no GHDs, no jumping rope, etc. I got to a point where I had to make myself go the the gym because I knew I needed to keep my body as strong as possible with my limited movements, aka squats, squats, squats of all kinds. There were many times I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to decide if I was going to go in. Texts to my hubby, "I don't want to go in. :(". One time I drove into the parking lot, turned off my car, started my car back up and left. I hated my limitations. I hated doing them in the gym with everybody around me doing the actual workout. I hated that this bothered me so much, but I couldn't make it go away. There came a beautiful day before my six weeks of restrictions were up that I could front squats. We did a 5x5 Front squat workout. I couldn't pick the bar up with my hands because I couldn't lift more than five pounds, but we were squatting out of squat racks. The bars were in racks so all I had to do was get under it, rack position, elbows high and set on my shoulders and stand up with it. First I did it with a 15 pound PVC pipe filled with sand. Then I asked Coach if he thought I could try the 30 lb. bar. He said "yes" and grabbed the bar for me and put it in the rack. Next he grabbed the 45 lb. bar. My last set was 65#. I finished, put my arms on the bar, laid my head on my arms and cried. Much like I am doing right now as I write this.

I wish I could put into words why this is so emotional to me. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I take care of my house (well, kinda. :) My hubby may hesitate a bit before agreeing. lol), raise my kids and I get the leftovers of everybody else's schedules. There isn't much "me" time left in a day for a mom. I don't have much of anything to call my own. I have never had a career. I have always said that working out is my part-time job. I have always put a lot of effort, time and devotion into it. Many times I work my schedule around my workouts. My diet supports my fitness. If I am out with friends I won't have a drink if I know I have a hard workout in the morning. Most people don't get this and I get grief from friends for not having a drink on many occasions. I know how that drink will make my workout feel the next day and I only have one hour in the gym each day to do my body good. That leaves 23 hours to totally screw up that one hour. Fitness is MY thing. Fitness is something I feel I am good at. I know women who scrapbook all day because they love it. My husband would golf all day if he could. I have friends who would garden, read books or ride horses all day if possible. If you took those loves, those hobbies, away from these people they would be heart broken. That's what CrossFit is for me. I love it. It's my "hobby". It makes me feel good. It is something I can succeed at. Yes, maybe I am obsessed, but seriously couldn't there be worse things to be obsessed with? So, in my process of recovering from my surgeries I have lost a lot of my hobby. I've lost the ability to do my hobby. I've lost a lot of what I love and it breaks my heart. Honestly, it reduces me to tears often. Right now I can't workout for six weeks, well, four and a half weeks now. (Wow! I'm happy to say the last week and a half flew by! Thank goodness.) I haven't been wanting to go back to the gym. I was thinking about just starting to run again. I told Tony I want to get some equipment for our garage so I can workout at home instead. Okay, fine. I'm running away. I'm running away from daily frustration of not being able to do everything. I'm avoiding the pain of walking into the gym and physically not being able to do what I used to, what I WANT to do. I watch everybody else doing movements that I know my body can do, but right now as my body pulls itself back together it won't let me. Again, my biggest obstacle is patience. I don't want to feel like I am starting over. I don't want to wait and wait and wait until the scar tissue in my chest doesn't feel like it is going to rip apart when I do assisted ring dips or push ups. I don't want to do one clean and feel my legs on fire because my muscle endurance has gone South. I don't want to do a couple pull ups and drop off the bar because I've lost so much upper body strength that I can't hold on anymore and my chest starts to feel like it is pulling away from my rib cage. I don't want to do ring dips and feel my pec muscles contract and compress my implants. I don't want to be aware of everything that has been done to my body when I am in the gym. I want the gym to be my escape. So now...now in my frustration and lack of desire to return to the gym I have to find a way to harness all that I don't want to do and all that I dislike and turn that energy around and use it to my benefit. What do I always say when I am cheering on a fellow athlete? "Dig deep!" Or my favorite phrase of Coach B's, "You got this!" Or my personal motivator that I say to myself at the gym, "The strength to rise." "The strength to rise, the strength to rise, the strength to rise" over and over in my head.

I stopped by the gym yesterday during the mid-morning class and then stuck around to chat with Coach B. One and a half hours I stood there and talked to one of my biggest cheerleaders and one of my most favorite people on this earth. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. What we both needed. We both talked and talked. We talked about the gym, he told me some great stories about his childhood, we talked about coaching stuff, etc. Then I told him that I'm not wanting to come back to the gym and I started to cry. He said, "That's all right." I told him how great it is to see all of our athletes making this upward climb as everybody is getting so strong, but at the same time is so hard to watch everybody go up while right now I am going the opposite direction. On a line graph in my head where everybody else is and where I am seems a great distance apart and a long way to go. He told me it will be a good thing. It will be a good thing to work hard through this and come back strong and the great thing is we know how to get me there. I will set goals for myself and I will make small progress and small progress and small progress and then I will make huge progress. Then small progress and small progress and small progress and then I will make huge progress. A steady pattern of this. He said the great thing is so many people will be watching me. When I accomplish something these people will see it and cheer me on. It will be motivation. I said it is pressure. He came right back with, "Don't look at it that way." Basically, I have so many people pulling for me. The only person putting pressure on me is myself. Coach told me I can use this for good. It's all about helping people. I can use my struggles to encourage people who may be struggling with similar things in the gym. I hope this never happens, but maybe one unfortunate day somebody else in our gym may find out their body has been struck by disease. When their body won't let them work out because they are burdened with worry and fear. When they are frustrated with their limitations when they know their body can do more. When they don't want to step back into the gym because the road back to "before" feels too long and daunting. I can stand beside them, give them a hug and just say, "I know", because I do.

{stage two reconstruction}

Stage Two Reconstruction. That's what they called it at my plastic surgeon's office. This Monday at 8:00 a.m. I underwent Stage 2 of my reconstruction. Bilateral Breast Revision and Nipple Reconstruction to be exact. Quoting my girlfriend in a text last week, "Yay! Nipples!" Yay, indeed! Last Tuesday I had a busy morning of pre-op appointments to get ready for my surgery. I started at Northwest Hospital in Whitefish. What a beautiful hospital and like the sweet, elderly lady volunteering at the help desk said, "It's a beautiful hospital that doesn't have that 'clinic" feel to it." I also had a great little conversation with said sweet, elderly lady that I can't do any justice to via typing about the food at the hospital. As she was walking me to where I needed to be she said, "Oh! And the ca-fe (with the "a" pronounced like the "u" in under)!" (While she said this she lifted her hands a little toward the sky and looked up as if looking to the sweet vision of heaven) "Not, a cafeteria, a ca-fe. Oh, and Mondays! Mondays they make (she paused here and turned to me with a little look like "waaaaait for iiiiiitttt")...quiche! I wish everyday was Monday!" It was awesome! It took everything I had not to giggle at her enthusiasm. :) It definitely made me want to drive up to the hospital on a Monday to have quiche for breakfast! The registration process was pretty straight forward, but I found myself thinking how much nicer it was than my pre-op at the hospital in Kalispell. There was nothing "bad" about the one in Kalispell, but it was very "clinic" and impersonal. At the hospital in Whitefish the lady that registered me and the nurse that spoke with me were so friendly, kind and warm. At the end of my appointment the nurse gave me a huge hug and wished me well with my surgery.

With four minutes to spare I dashed out the door and headed to my appointment with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Nargi. Luckily her office is only three minutes away. :) The purpose of this visit was to make a plan for what "tweaks" she is going to make to my breasts to appear "normal" and symmetrical. The goal is for them to look pretty close to the same. So she said she would lower the left breast a little because it sat a little higher and she would loosen up the outer, lower corner of the right breast so it would "hang" more naturally. She said it was "bunchy". I have not idea what that means, but I took her word for it. :) She asked me if there was anything that I saw that I wanted to look different. She had mentioned that I could change implant shape to change the shape of my breasts a little bit. Keep the size, but change the shape. I didn't like how they were very round and the line of the implant around the top was very visible. I know I'm not fooling anybody, it is obvious I now have fake boobs, but, I was hoping they could be softened up somehow. So I asked if changing the implant shape would soften them and she said, "Unfortunately, no, BUT I can take fat from another part of your body...whah...whah...whah...whah..." All I heard was "I can take fat from another part of your body..." YES!!! Do that! :-) What she said was she could take fat from another part of my body and redistribute it around my breasts to soften them up and to create more of a natural looking "sag". So she lifted up my shirt and said lets see where we can take it from. So she looked at my small three pregnancy mom "pooch" that was about a 5-6 inch "circle". . . Before you start dissing me... I don't care WHO you are, if your belly has been stretched to it's max three times with pregnancies there is something about your stomach you don't like and this is what I have never liked...back to my doctor... So she looked at my little tummy stuff that I don't like and she said, "I can take some from here. You know what? I can just get rid of that! You know what? I'm going to do you a favor because you deserve it. You have those two small hernias that you want fixed, I am going to fix those and suture your abdominal muscles back together (they separated with one of my pregnancies) and make your belly button an "inny" again. I am also going to get rid of this." "This" being a couple of small pockets of fat above my pelvic bones on my sides. She said, "it is mostly muscle there, but there is some fat there and I am going to get rid of it!" Ummmm, OK! Do it! Do it all! She told me I already had one surgery I didn't want I should have one I want. YES! Yes, please and thank you SO much! The benefits of having a great relationship and having made a connection with your plastic surgeon. :)

So, Monday morning with the kids sleeping at my dad's and given the okay to miss school to eliminate morning chaos for my dad, Tony and I head to Whitefish at 6:00 a.m. for my 8:00 surgery. I had an IV put in (which always grosses me out), I got a fifteen minute neck and shoulder massage by resident massage therapist Johnny Ray, and my surgeon drew all over me with a purple marker as a guide to what she was going to do in surgery. Anybody out there a Nip/Tuck fan? I had a vision of Dr. Christian Troy drawing all over a woman with a tube of lipstick showing all the parts of her body that needed "fixed". I had no problem being all marked up, but did have to hold in my giggles thinking about being marked up with a tube of lipstick. Hee-Hee. The marker was far more professional!

Shortly after being marked up for surgery the anesthesiologist came in and said they were ready and he was going to give me something to relax and it works pretty fast. I hurried and gave Tony a kiss and said, "Oh! There it is!" as my vision started to get fuzzy. That is the last I remember before struggling to wake up back in my "bay". I swear there is nothing worse than coming out of an anesthesia induced sleep. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck! My body is totally uncomfortable, I can't make sense of anything, I struggle to speak coherently, I was roasting, I am nauseous and just feel downright crappy. I did go into this surgery knowing they were going to do what they could to alleviate some nausea because they were informed of how horribly sick I was after my last surgery. So even though my surgery was longer and I did feel nauseous after I wasn't near as sick as I was last time and it was pretty much 100% gone by the time I got home and slept for a few hours. I took a few doses of the anti-nausea drugs they gave me and then stopped taking them because I was feeling fine. Last time I was nauseous for about a week after. I have a different pain killer this time that isn't making me sick at all. Mental note to self for the future!

Considering I just had a 6 1/2 hour surgery on Monday I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain or discomfort in my chest. Pretty much all of my pain comes from the lipo (I can't believe I had lipo done. Truly weird.) that was done to harvest fat to redistribute around my breasts. I am sore and swollen from my pubic bone almost up to my bra chest band, around my sides and into my back. You don't realize that everything you do uses your ab muscles to some extent. Trying to lay down and get back up is probably the worst. When I am tired I have to psych myself up to laying down because I know it is going to hurt something fierce! Ouch! But, again, I am amazed at the healing powers of the human body. Just 48 hours after the start of surgery and I can already tell that my body is feeling a little better and is slightly less sore. I am able to move around and unfortunately am able to do tiny bits of helping around the house. lol ;-) I had hoped to milk that a lot longer, but I feel too guilty. I told Tony this morning that I couldn't wait for all of them to leave for school and work so I could not feel guilty and go back and sit down and rest. haha! Don't worry, I am getting plenty of rest, but it does feel good to still be able to get up and down enough to help a bit. My stomach actually feels a bit better when I am standing so I stand at our bed and fold clothes. It's a little something to give Tony a hand. He is such an amazing man and husband. He handles the household splendidly on his own (much better than I do!!) and does all he can to take care of me and make sure I am comfortable. He is definitely a keeper! :) My dad has also been a wonderful help like he always is. He gives Tony a hand getting the kids to school and with picking them up if needed. Him being home to help with the kids the day of my surgery was the biggest help of all. It is nice to not have to worry about the kids and know they are being well taken care of and are enjoying a day at Grandpa's. I expect there was a little spoiling going on at Grandpa's on Monday. :) As it should be!

So that is the rundown of my 2nd Stage Reconstruction surgery. The plan is that this is my last unless something really doesn't look right with my breasts, but I really don't want to have surgery again so I think I can live with any little things that aren't quite even. Now the fun begins. Shopping for new summer tops and swimsuits! Watch out summer! Here I come! :)

Thank you to those of you that have sent well wishes, prayers and beautiful flowers my way for this final stage (hopefully) of my road to being whole again. We have so much love for our friends and family. You have made this unexpected journey in my life much easier!

{are we there yet?!}

Parents everywhere will get this or at least parents that road trip a lot like we do. We drive to the very Eastern side of South Dakota once or twice a year. Eighteen hours of driving time. That doesn't include stopping for gas, "I have to go to the bathroom!" stops, "I'm hungry", etc. We take two days to make the trip. Sometimes we drive as far as we can the first day before the kids or mom can't take it anymore. Sometimes we drive half-way the first day. Sometimes we stay at my sister's only four and a half hours into the drive and take a deep breath, pull on our big girl panties (or big boy underwear) and brace ourselves for a long second day. It's the long days that are a true test of parent patience. Not as much anymore, the kids are all at an age that they travel pretty well, but it wasn't always like that. We had trips that we would dread for weeks leading up to our departure date. I would dread what was to come. First there was the planning and packing for a family of five and one of those five was an infant. We would barely leave home and somebody would say "Are we there yet?". No, we still have 17 1/2 hours to go. Then the two oldest would start fighting and eventually the baby would start crying. It doesn't take long for a busy baby boy to be ready to be unstrapped from his car seat, bored with facing backwards and tired of sitting in the same position. Then somebody has to pee. While you are stopped everybody might as well pee and we should change the baby's diaper. So we would unload our entire crew, grab the diaper bag and use the restroom, say no to requests of snacks at the gas station, but maybe buy a pack of gum so you don't feel guilty about using the bathrooms without buying something. Load the family back up half and hour later and head out again. Are we there yet? No, we still have 16 1/2 hours left. But, this time it wasn't the kids asking. It was me. Our trip had barely started and I was beginning to feel like it was never going to end. We will never make it to the end of this trip and if we do certainly not with our sanity. Then we would have a quiet little spot in our road trip. By some sweet act of God, all three kids fall asleep at the same time. Oh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip isn't so bad after all. Then all of a sudden you hear from the back seat. "I don't feel....", followed by a sound that every parent dreads, especially in the confined quarters of a car in the middle of a road trip. The sound of a puking child, all down the front of them and filling up the seat of the car seat they are sitting in. OMG! Could this trip get any worse!!!! So you stop the car in the dark of the night and clean up the best you can with the handful of napkins you happen to have stashed in the glove box, crack the windows to try to get rid of that awful smell and drive like hell the last 1/2 hour to the stopping spot for the night. That is just day one. Day two you limp along with a sick child in the car knowing that you may have just fallen into a road trip time continuum, road trip hell and you will never see the end of this day. It will never end. Then all of a sudden you see a mileage sign that says "Milbank 90 miles". 90 miles. That doesn't seem too far after driving two days, but I can't stand the thought of sitting in the car for another hour and a half. I can't stand it! It will be forever. Then all of a sudden we turn a corner and we are on that final stretch of just a few miles and you think, we are going to make it all in one piece and with our sanity or with enough to be able to tackle the next leg of our vacation, the trip home. Here is the light at the end of this road trip that seemed like it would never end. In my mind, of course I knew this road trip would end, but many points along the way it felt like we were moving at a snail's pace and we would never make it.

This is what I have asked myself many times the past few months. "Am I there yet?" "Will this ever end?" "Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?" I specifically remember great weeks in my recovery and healing. The first was week four to five post-surgery. I had a great healing week. I felt my body heal and feel more stable where all the work was done inside to make my body cancer free and to look normal. This was a great week. The second healing moment that I will specifically remember in this process was Tuesday, April 12. I haven't been really excited or liking my new body. Slowly getting used to it, but still not liking it. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my amazing plastic surgeon to check on the incision that she tightened up three weeks prior and to make a plan and schedule my next surgery. Phase two. I don't know if it was her enthusiasm at my results from the first surgery or scheduling my second surgery and knowing by new "breasts" were finally going to be complete. Maybe it was a combination of both, but I left feeling SO good, content and satisfied with my new body. Unless you are or have been in my situation I can't begin to explain how exhilarating this felt. I don't know that I love my new body, but I don't mind it and after trying on a swimsuit I really kind of like it. lol I wish my new breasts looked more natural, but nothing about them is "natural" anymore so I can't expect them to look natural. They were totally created at the hands of a surgeon so that my body would look as feminine as possible and that has been done. I think it is pretty obvious that they are fake when you look at them, but you know what? Everybody that has followed my little journey here knows they aren't real. They know they are fake, but more importantly they are a constant reminder that they are cancer-free. I never forget that. A friend of mine always throws that into random conversations when I am texting with him. "So glad you are getting back to the gym and you are cancer-free!" "Glad to hear you are getting used to them and they are cancer-free". :) I'm not trying to fool anybody. My boobs were removed for my health and I have bigger, fuller ones in their place. (I may not have been happy at the choice I had to make or the only choice I had for my health, but sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the chance for a more "proportionate" body!!) ;) The "replacements" aren't there to take my old body's place or to change who I am, but to bring normalcy back to my body. I was actually excited and smiling to Tony when I was telling him about my appointment and how my surgery was going to go. My doctor was giddy at how great they have healed and said they are "ridiculously symmetrical". I'm not sure if that is a medical term, but really what that means is very little has to be done during my next surgery to make them as symmetrical as possible. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, May 9th. Three days before my birthday. Recovering from surgery isn't at the top of my list of how I want to spend my birthday, but that's okay. It isn't everyday you get new nipples that complete your boobs for your birthday. LOL I asked my doctor what she will do during the surgery. I was pretty pleased to hear not a whole lot. The left breast will be lowered a little to match the position of the right and loosen up the outer, lower edge of the right breast so it rounds out and falls softer and really that is it besides reconstructing nipples. The sounds of that still seems so crazy to me, but such a blessing in my eyes. Great thing is the new nipples will most likely be placed right over the incisions from my first surgery so those scars will be covered up. I will have very little signs of surgery at all, well except for bigger boobs, when all is said and done.

I have been going to my physical therapist weekly to work out a horribly tight "cord" of muscle I had running through my underarm. With her help and working on it at home we have seen incredible results on that. It doesn't bother me at all anymore. I asked my plastic surgeon what my PT could work on. Is there anything structurally she could hurt by working on tightness and scar tissue? She said she couldn't hurt anything. In fact, she said getting in there and breaking up scar tissue would be a good thing right now because it can result in the breast loosening up and moving a bit and eliminating the need for some "tweaks". Sweet! Game on! So a couple weeks ago I had the most painful PT appointment I have ever had. My PT uses the Graston Technique to break up scar tissue. I have a love/hate relationship with those metal tools that she whips out. Usually it has been a "hurts so good" kind of pain as she breaks up scar tissue to work out various body pains. But, last week when she started working on the thick bands of scar tissue from the mastectomy and reconstruction I thought I was going to come out of my skin. Oh, my goodness! "OUCH" doesn't cover it! However, when all was said and done the awful tightness across my left pec was non-existent and I have full range of motion in my shoulder when I held my arm straight out from body, parallel to the ground and pulled it ALL the way back behind me. It was amazing! AND the little corner of the right breast that my doctor planned to loosen up seemed to have loosened up on it's own when the scar tissue was broken up! One less thing to be worked on during surgery. Thank you, Kat!!!! The best PT in town! :) I also have some stretches that a PT friend in St. Louis emailed me to help stretch out the pec. Between all of my peeps my body will eventually be back to 100%.

I loved my second great moment in my healing process. It feels so good to feel content and okay with this new body that circumstances have given me. Do I still look at my body in the mirror and frown? Yes, I do, but not all the time. Sometimes I actually look at it and am amazed at what was done to give my body BACK to me when at many points it felt like it had been ripped away from me. It is nice to see or even have caught up with that light at the end of the tunnel. I am still chasing a few lights, but feeling comfortable in my own skin was probably the biggest light. Many times I felt like a deer staring at a huge spotlight. I felt stuck and like I couldn't move. When you are in pain, your body looks totally foreign, bruised and terribly swollen your mind messes with you. Sometime it is hard to imagine that you will ever be back to normal even when deep down you know it will. It has to because that is what our amazing bodies do. They heal and if you take care of your body you will be lucky enough to have it heal quicker than your doctors had expected. I am thankful for that everyday. There are many things to be thankful for. Sometimes dark bad days drift in and I lose sight of that, but in the end I always remember and appreciate the many things I have to be thankful for and there are MANY!! Right in that moment is a great place to be!