{i’m a full time job}

(Disclaimer...I was too lazy to do a final proofread on this post.  I'll tend to that later.)

I know, I know.  You never write, you never call. Life gets in the way of getting everything done that we want to and for me one of those things is keeping up on my blog.  But, I’m here now so grab a cup of coffee and sit with me for awhile. I’ve been busy...busy with kids, busy at home, busy at the gym, busy with classes, busy recovering, busy trying to keep my body healthy and strong to survive the treatments wreaking havoc on my body.  That last one, keeping my body healthy and strong I am finding is a full-time job.  It takes about a week following a treatment to feel like myself again, to feel “normal”. By that I mean no harsh side effects...nausea, lack of appetite, constipation (A fantastic side effect of the chemo drugs. I hesitated to add that, but I don’t think anybody will be surprised that I do indeed have bowel movements), dehydration, fatigue, and as the treatments go on sadness and a general feeling of a big F-you to the universe. So that first week following a treatment I’m not a joy to be around.  I kind of try to keep to myself and remind myself that as my physical state starts to improve, my emotional and mental state follows closely behind.  But, even though I feel really good about a week out from a treatment I know my body is still reeling from have chemo drugs, anti-nausea, antacids, and white-blood cell boosting drugs pumped into my body.  All of that damages and causes stress to the body that doesn’t just go away because I’m feeling better.  It takes awhile for the body to heal itself and it can take weeks or months for that to happen, and I am working to do all I can to help my body out.  

Taking care of me is a full-time job.  In order for my body to heal I have to put the right stuff into it.  I believe in the healing power of food, appropriate supplements, and not just using drugs or medication.  There is a difference between being healthy and not being sick. I want to be healthy.  I want to start at my cells and make them stronger. I want my body to have the best care as nature intended to repair itself and protect itself, repair and protect itself from the damaging effects of the treatments I am having to give me the best chances of a longer life than I might not have otherwise.  I’m not happy about any of my treatments, thankful for the availability of my treatment plan, but not happy about them.  The immediate side effects, continuing side effects I may be living with for the next five years, and the lasting-effects, the effects that I may face down the road because of the damaging effects of these life-saving/prolonging treatments. I have to remind myself to not worry about those and focus on today, one day at a time because, duh, you only get one day at a time and your emotional and mental state can’t really handle the burden of 3,650-5,475 days at a time.  People have been telling me to not worry about all of that yet, just take it as it comes.  I appreciate these words, I really do. But, a person can’t understand how hard that can be unless you are in the middle of it.  But, I keep trying and life will continue on as it usually does, somedays I fail and sometimes I succeed, and somewhere on the other side I’m sure a majority of the things I am concerned about and worry about will never come to be.  Years ago my grandma shared something she read, “98% of the things we worry about never come to be.” Since she shared that I have generally not been a worrier, until now. Now I worry about everything that has to do with my health and my body. I guess maybe cancer will do that to a person.

So the purpose of this post is actually to just give a list of what I am doing for my body.  Much of this is based on recommendations from the naturopath at my oncologist’s office and my personal naturopath, and my own research and choosing. The supplements I have chose to do on my own have been okayed by both naturopaths. Some of these supplements are for general health, others are to help manage side effects from chemo, some I was taking before, some I should have been taking, but always forgot.  Now I don’t, I’m a freaking supplement and vitamin whore. 

Supplements and Vitamins

My morning "sludge":

In a pint mason jar I combine the following:

• About 1/2 c. OJ

• 1 T. PuraDyme Liyf Essentials - Whole food amino acid complex. Provides all essential and non-essential amino acids and high in all Tocotrienols and Tocopherols, proven to suppress cancer and tumors

• 15 g (3 3/4 t.) Jarrow Formulas L-Glutamine - 15g 2x/day.  Helps reduce the risk of chemo and radiation induced neuropathy and to help with mouth sores due to the chemo drug Taxotere. Since I have added this to my daily supplement regimen I have had little issue with neuropathy or mouth sores.

• 3/4 t. PuraDyme LiyfBiotic Probiotic - 36 billion CFU - The chemo drugs are harsh on the stomach and intestinal track due to it's job to kill fast growing cells.  A quality probiotic can help alleviate the stress put on the digestive system. This probiotic is expensive at $140 for the 8 oz. container, but it actually lasts a long time and is worth it to me. I also use this in making my own coconut yogurt.  I will try to post that recipe at the end of this blog post or in another post with some basic smoothie and juicing recipes that I use.

• 1 t. PuraDyme PuraCleanse - Cleansing, strengthening, and renewing for the intestinal tract.  I was taking this before I started treatment.  Mostly to aide in elimination and detoxifying my body.  Many diseases originate in the colon, healthy "moving" is necessary for flushing toxins from the body. I was taking 2t/day, but the licorice root in this cleanse can interfere with the effectiveness of one of the chemo drugs.  A little is okay so I was given the okay to continue using just 1 t./day.  This is very important the week after a treatment when constipation is usually an issue. 

• 1 1/4 t. Nordic Naturals Omega-3 Purified Fish Oil - This is one of those supplements that I knew I should always take, but failed to make it a habit.  I have been taking it nearly every single day since before I started chemo and I can definitely tell a difference in my joints.  My knee and pain across the back of my pelvis is very minimal now.  I thank the anti-inflammatory benefits of fish oil.  I have found that I have to shake up the first four supplements with the OJ first before mixing in the fish oil or the glutamine and probiotic powder clumps up.  This is a brand highly recommended my my oncology naturopath, it's a high quality brand. 

Additional Supplements and Vitamins

• 2000mg/3x/day Host Defense Turkey Tail - Organic Mushroom supplement for immune support.  A promising study has shown that Turkey Tail Mushrooms improves the immune system of breast cancer patients.  I am a firm believer in mushroom supplements, especially those by this company.  My personal naturopath said she is positive the cure for cancer will be found in mushrooms.  Could be, but all I know is my white blood cell count has remained at normal levels while taking this supplement during chemo when they should be taking a beating. I have also avoided catching any nasty cold and flu bugs while those around me have...and I didn't get a flu shot. Other promising mushroom supplements to protect against cancer are Maitake and Reishe. I plan to switch to Reishe before I start radiation.  Reishe has been shown to counter the harmful effects that radiation has on normal, healthy cells. Common button mushrooms and shitake are also cancer-fighting mushrooms.  I try to sauté and eat 4-5 button mushrooms most days for their cancer-fighting properties. A little olive oil, some garlic and shallots and I have a quick cancer fighting boost in my day.  This Turkey Tail supplement was recommended by the oncology clinic's naturopath.  She said any of them would be good, Turkey Tail just has the most research behind it. My regular naturopath talked to me about this brand of supplements in the past, too.  At her recommendation, after treatment I will be switching to a mushroom blend supplement and about half the dose.
• 5000IU Vital Nutients Vitamin D3. 
• 12.5mg Iodoral High Potency Iodine/Potassium Iodide
• 1000mg Vitamin C - pills or Emergen-C packet
• Bluebonnet Whole Food Based Multivitamin and Multimineral
• 20mg Melatonin

Dietary Changes

In addition to all my supplements I have made diet changes, as well.  I've always tried to eat and do well for my body, but there are some things that I can do or strive to do better to reduce my risk of recurrence even more.  Lord knows, I don't want to do this crap again. Of course, nobody is perfect and I will slip sometimes, but the 80-85% rule that I used to follow (eat on track 80-85% of the time) is now hopefully 90-95% of the time.  The main goals of my dietary changes are to flood my body with cancer fighting foods and to not increase estrogen in my body.

• Alcohol-I'm shooting for no more than 1-2 drinks/week, none if I have no reason to, those reasons for me to have a drink are date nights with my hubby or gathering with friends.  I miss my Chardonnay. :-( But, the breast cancer I had was estrogen+.  This means that estrogen fueled the cancer cells.  Alcohol increases the levels of estrogen in the body, therefore providing more fuel for the cancer cells that could be in my body.  This is a message I got last night from my naturopath, who has been my fountain of information, "What I found on the booze situation...all studies that show an increase in breast cancer were in obese patients. Obese patients store estrogen in their fat and have probs with liver metabolization. I found one great article that stated 'if patient is healthy otherwise, that moderate alcohol does NOT increase risk of recurrence', they stated that 3-4 drinks per week (seperated by time and days) were generally regarded as safe. My take...if you have a drink every other or every 3rd day you will be safe."
• Limited/no dairy (especially high fat) and commercially grown meat.  Hormones given to animals can result in increased levels of estrogen in the body. If I have dairy I make sure it is from cows not treated with hormones or antibiotics.  I use almond milk and coconut milk in recipes, sauces and smoothies or protein shakes.  I have tried almond cheese, it was okay, I would probably buy it again, but not often.  If I want a treat of some real cheese I try to buy organic.
• Low-fat diet, primarily low in animal fats (dairy and animal fats) - high fat diets, especially animal fats, increase the levels of estrogen in the blood. Good fats are great in the diet: olive oil, avocados, cold-water wild caught fish, etc.
• No sugar- You've heard my rant before, SUGAR FEEDS CANCER! This is what I wanted to scream when the nurse walked around the room yesterday with a bag of cookies for everybody.  I politely declined. 
• No red meat for three months. It can raise estrogen in the body so I am just giving my body a cleansing break. I do have to do more research into grass-fed beef to see if there is any risk...because we have 3/4 of a grass-fed cow in or freezers.  The processor that we get our grass-fed beef from doesn't use antibiotics, so this is a huge plus in my/our diet...I have slipped on this from time to time simply out of convenience.  
• No processed or cured meats-Nitrates, nitrites, chemicals...you get it.
• No grilled meats. Cooking meat at high temperatures can create substances that can increase risk of cancer.  Even baking chicken at 350 can cause these cancer causing substances.  Here is an interesting article on cooking meats. 
• Lots of cruciferous veggies-Broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, just to name a few.   So many cancer fighting properties in this family of veggies. 
• Paleo-ish Diet/Plant-based-ish diet - Here is where I am torn.  I'm not sure if I have been eating mostly Paleo (no grains, dairy, legumes) for so long that I just feel it is right, but I am having a hard time switching to a plant-based diet that I see highly recommended in almost all my reading.  I have extensively googled "breast cancer diet reduce recurrence" or something like that and all I get are search results for plant-based diet and the Mediterranean Diet.  To get results that include info on the Paleo diet for cancer risk reduction I have to include Paleo in my search. I am greatly torn because after trying just a plant based diet I find that a) I don't have a clue how to cook plant-based meals and soy is used heavily, b) there is no way I can get enough protein on a plant-based diet to support how I workout, and c) my body feels so much better eating primarily Paleo.  So which do I choose? I have no idea so I'm doing some of both.  I have been making brown rice with some dinners and eating some oatmeal and quinoa for breakfast (I have really missed oatmeal). I am going for quality of meat, local grass-fed beef, organic or very natural chicken, and no cured meats and buying as many organic veggies as the pocket book will allow.  Really as much organic food as the pocket book will allow. I try to buy produce organically off this list.  This gives a list of the Dirty Dozen+ veggies with the highest pesticide residue and the Clean Fifteen, the 15 with the lowest residue.  They do also state that eating a diet high in fruits and vegetables is more beneficial than the exposure to pesticides. The sad part about eating like this is it is expensive.  It would be FAR cheaper to just rely on the recommended prescription drugs to prevent cancer than to put good food into my body to help prevent cancer also.  
• At least one quart of organic, decaf greet tea daily.  I try to get up every morning and remember to brew a mason jar of green tea and drink it through out the day. 
• Juicing-I'm trying to juice at least three days per week to get a powerful veggie punch in a 16 oz glass of juice.  I can get at least 12 servings of fruits and vegetables in a 16 ounce glass.  I also eat other fruits and veggies whole for the fiber.  I generally juice kale, collard greens, parsley, cilantro, celery, mint, green cabbage, cucumbers, lemon, apples, and ginger in my daily drink.  Every now and then I will throw in a carrot or two. I have tried arugula but didn't like the bitter taste and you get very little juice from a large quantity of arugula.  I have also tried dandelion greens (I had no idea you could buy these at Super 1), but didn't care for the bitter taste.  I am taking a warning to heart from my brother, never juice radishes.  You can't add enough other juiced veggies to cut the harsh radish taste. I feel so healthy every time I juice up a big glass of fresh fruits and veggies.  I swear I can feel the juice combatting cancer cells in my body as I drink it. :) 

Working Out

If you know me or have read my blog (or even the title of my blog) you know I'm an avid worker outer. I've been doing my best to keep up my gym regimen while going through chemo.  My goal was to not gain a lot of weight or lose much muscle. I'm doing pretty well in both of those.  Tony thinks I have possibly put on a tiny bit of muscle in my upper body and my weight is only up 1-3 pounds depending where I am in the chemo treatment/recovery cycle. I continue to CrossFit, trying to get in four days per week, sometimes I lower my weights, sometimes I try to do the Rx weight and just battle through.  Our CrossFit workouts have been getting harder, not the weightlifting as much, but our metcons (metabolic conditioning) have kicked my butt the past couple rounds.  My entire body fatigues almost right away and this last round has added nausea, dizziness and great shortness of breath to my workouts.  I have slowed WAY down, but I still go and move for the whole class.  Somedays I do okay, somedays the workout of the day (WOD) totally wins.  Last week, three days after my fourth treatment I went to the gym and worked out.  It. Was. Hard.  I finished, sat down agains the back wall, put my head in my hands and cried. I tried to be tough that day, but the WOD beat me. But, I did walk in the door that day and that is a win.  Since I started treatment I have probably only missed 4 or 5 workouts that I would have normally gone to and I have only missed one day of coaching my classes.  My gym time and seeing my friends at the gym is a huge part of making it through chemo fairly unscathed. I'm even considering registering for the CrossFit Open's scaled division this year.  We'll see, I have a couple weeks to decide.  

I'm going to try to run a half-marathon in the fall and have put together a Kick Cancer's Ass Race Series starting with the Race for the Cure 5K in Helena the weekend after my birthday.  I was hoping to be done with radiation by then, but won't quite make it.  It doesn't mean I can't still give cancer the middle finger with my first race of the year.  A half is going to be a lofty goal that will be determined by the health of my knee, tendonitis might cap me at a 10K, but I'm going to give it a try and see what happens.

I am aching to jump on my mountain bike and start riding.  I'm about ready to toss my bike in my car and drive to Arizona or some place that will allow me to ride, it would do wonders for my soul right now.

Well, I have been slowly putting this post together for many weeks so I am going to wrap it up and get this lengthy baby posted.  

BUT WAIT!

Let me also take a minute here to thank EVERYBODY who has sent private messages (sorry, I'm way behind on replying to them!), posts on Facebook, texts, emails or called to see how I am doing. EVERYBODY who has run into me and given me a hug, a word of encouragement or simply says, "I have no words except cancer sucks". EVERYBODY who has delivered our family a delicious meal when I haven't felt well or am bogged down with fatigue.  EVERYBODY who has sent me cards or care packages with amazing gifts for good healing, a good laugh, or a warm head (and a special thank you to my aunt who sent me great socks for every chemo day that give chemo the middle finger. Please be sure to watch Facebook for my socks on March 6th.  You won't want to miss them!)  EVERYBODY who has said prayers or sent good thoughts out into the universe or me and my family. I/we APPRECIATE every single one of you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your love and support.  I can't imagine going through this crap alone and without the support that I have. I'm sending huge hugs and buckets of love to all of you!! Muah!!

Another special thanks to my amazing dad who has taken the week off from work following each of my treatments to help with the kids and cook us meals, while carrying a heavy heart watching is little girl go through cancer crap again.  A thank you to my kids who celebrate with me having four weeks left until my last treatment, who rub my head to feel the little bit of hair that has continued to grow, to check on me when I'm not feeling well after treatment, who give me a hug or some love out of the blue, and for having friends and teachers/coaches that continually offer me support and have generously given me sweet gifts of encouragement.  And to my dear husband who stands by my side, holds me when I need it most, loves me unconditionally, takes care of me, makes sacrifices for me, and understands the things I struggle with the most. Without these people in my life, I couldn't do this. I love you!! xoxoxo

"She Stood In The Storm, & When The Wind Did Not Blow Her Way, She Adjusted Her Sails"

{qualifying for state: day 1}

Boy, did we have a full weekend.  Times have not been dull in our lives lately.  We are up to our gills in kid's activities and I won't even tell you what we figured our monthly dollar amount is that we spend on said activities.  We are looking very forward to late March when several of these activities come to an end!  We have had wrestling, skiing, swim lessons and gymnastics going on at the same time, six days per week of kid's activities which means Tony and I have no social life and no time for date nights!  That's not okay with me, but it is a short while that we have so many things going on at once and then hopefully some of it will start to feel manageable.  Ok, who am I kidding?  Once a couple of these activities end then volleyball and T-ball start and we are right back to where we were before.  Kid's activities didn't seem so crazy until all three of our kids were old enough to participate.  So, like it has been for the past 6 1/2 years we are outnumbered.  There are many days when we need one more parent in our household, one for each kid.  If I had it my way that other parent would also clean and cook.  Especially clean, being so busy with kids stuff we are home long enough to make a mess, but not home long enough to clean it.  I think we will be spending the kid's spring break cleaning and mucking the house which will have them begging for school to start back  up!  Good times for all!

Anyhoo, back to our weekend.  We had a sports filled weekend starting with wrestling.  We had to be in Eureka (an hour NW of us) at 7:30 a.m. Saturday morning so Kenna could weigh in for her state qualifier tournament.  We were a bundle of tired, anxious, excited and unfortunately sick energy.  The night before Kenna ended up feeling sick and getting a fever after her brother started to go downhill.  So we were  hoping the worst of it would hold off and she would have the enegy to give 100% for her tournament.  Coach Dad was excited.  He felt she had a good chance of making it to state.  Kenna is quite a wrestler.

Tony sent me a text during a tournament that I couldn't go to.  "I love the moans and groans from parents when they find out their kid has to wrestle Kenna." :)  It is awesome!  She has quite the repuation for being tenacious and relentless.  It is very much her personality.  She doesn't stop.  She has been this way since she was an infant.  She keeps going and going and going.  While this has the tendency to drive us crazy we have also said this will serve her well someday.  Well, that someday, right now is the wrestling mat. 

Round One. Beginner Bracket, 60#.  She got a pin in 14 seconds!

The week prior to this tournament she won a quick pin trophy, 7 seconds!  That poor boy didn't know what hit him! :)

Round Two.  She got a pin about halfway through the second period.

I had Tony pick the picture for this match.  He said, "Look how deep the half is!", with a proud shake of his head.  I pretend to know what all this means.  I run the camera and scream encouraging mom things at her.  This is where my knowledge of wrestling begins and ends, through the lens of a camera and my lungs.  There is also the throwing of my arms in the air like a victorious Rocky a the end of a training run when she wins.

Round Three.  Loss in overtime.

There were tears and, to me, this is where things started to go downhill a little bit. She wrestled this boy twice last year and beat him twice, both matches going into double OT.  I am positive he remembered her, his coach remembered her and his parents remembered her.  Pardon my language, but his coach was a dick.  She got hurt toward the end of the match so Tony stopped the match.  She got hit in the mouth and was bleeding.  The other coach said it was bull#$&* and his boy should get a point.  The first thing I thought was, "He knows his boy isn't guaranteed a win.  He knows he has a chance of losing to Kenna again."  At the end of the match Tony went up to him and said he was just looking out for the safety of his athlete. The Columbia Falls coach said, "I didn't see her get hurt, she was crying because she got taken down!"  Tony said, "No, she got hit in the mouth and was bleeding." Columbia Falls coach, "Oh" and shook Tony's hand.  This coach didn't represent his team in a positive light on Saturday.  But on a positive note, the boy she wrestled was a little sweetheart and did represent his team in a positive light!  After the match when they shook hands he went right up to her and said, "You did a really good job!" and when they left the mat he made a point to go up to her and say it again to her.  Then when we we went out to eat after the tournament the little boy was at the same restaurant with his family and waved to her.  When we got inside I heard him say, "That's Kenna!" 

It took a bit to get her ready for her next match.  She was sad, she didn't feel good, she took a good smack in the mouth and she was full of tears.  You could see it in her she wasn't ready to go again.  Coach Dad had a good sit down with her and that helped a little bit.  She was sitting in the stands with me and Abigail waiting for her next match and I asked her if she was ready.  She said, "no".  I gave her the usual, you can do this and you are ready, wah, wah, wah , wah, wah, but she couldn't get the tears to turn off.  So I changed  up my mom speech, "You know what Kenna?  That kids coach was a jerk to your dad.  You know why?  Because he knew you that his boy couldn't beat you easily.  He wasn't sure his boy could beat you and he was being a jerk about it.  He knows you are that good.  You know what else? Before that match when you were going onto the mat I heard a dad stop another dad and say, 'have you seen this girl wrestle? You have to watch her.  She is tenacious!'"  I told her, "That's what all these people that don't even know you are saying about you.  These people watch you wrestle every weekend and they know how strong and good you are.  You are that good!"  It worked, her tears slowed down and she sat a little straighter.  There was still sadness in her eyes, but she was a little closer to being ready for her next match.

Round Four.  Three full periods and a loss. :(

My poor girl.  She battled it out to the end.  She got beat up in her last two matches.  But like Tony said, she could have rolled over and gotten pinned, but she didn't.  There were many more tears.  She didn't feel good and took a pounding.  It was a bit more than her tender little heart could handle for  a Saturday morning.  It destroyed her.  She was sitting with Tony on the edge of the mat after her match sobbing when a man came down out of the stands, a man we had never seen before, and he crouched down in front of her and said, "You did a great job.  I have been watching you wrestle and you are the toughest girl I know."  Then he asked Tony if she was his daughter, he said yes and the man responded with, "You are doing a good job!"  This man later saw us at the restaurant and made a point to catch Tony's eye and give him a wave. That is the kind of wrestler my daughter is.  She may not have qualified for state, but she left an impression on people and sometimes that is better than the prize.

I feel bad because I don't think I had a very good mom reaction.  I was frustrated and I didn't want her to "quit".  I wanted her to muster everything she had and beat these boys.  But, I know she did, she wrestled hard and gave it her all.  I didn't want her to cry on the mat.  I didn't want anybody, like the Columbia Falls coach, to think that girls shouldn't wrestled because they will cry when they are down.  But, she is a girl and she has the biggest, most tender, beautiful heart and it is okay to cry when you are sad or you are broken and she was.  What isn't okay is if you stay sad and broken and she didn't.  She rallied and found peace in that tender, beautiful heart.  She knows she is strong and she knows she can wrestle with the best of the boys.  "Play like a girl beat the boys."  She didn't have to prove that to anybody, but she did by doing what she does and doing it well.

So her wrestling season has mostly come to an end.  She will still be able to wrestle at state but just for fun and experience.  Our club is hosting the state tournament and their head coach wants all his beginners to wrestle so there will be a separate bracket so these kids can participate.  Then maybe freestyle season and freestyle state.  We will see.  She wanted to try volleyball and that starts next week.  It's a hard thing. We want her to try different things so we are glad she is going to try volleyball, but Tony and I both hate to see her not be able to give the practice time to wrestling while the season is going on.  I want her to find HER sport though because she is a strong, powerful, natural athlete.  Maybe it is volleyball, maybe next year she will find it is wrestling.  It's a tough call, wrestling will continue to be challenging as she gets older and is up against almost only boys.  There is just a brute strength there that boys have and I think it gets to a point where it is hard for a girl to compete, not that they can't, but it would be tough.  We will wait and see and support her in whatever she chooses.  Gymnastics is still an option, too.  We are just fortunate that she has the opportunity to try so many different things to find what makes her happy.  Whatever it is I hope she does it with the same tenacity that she wrestles with!

{the vfwbp}

My blog is titled "CrossFit, Family and Life in Between". It seems like I post a lot about CrossFit and a lot about "Life in Between", but not as much specifically about "Family". So this begins a series of posts dedicated to family.

If you know me, you know that I love baked goodies, cookies, brownies, cake, etc. and I LOVE to bake, especially this time of year. However, because of how we choose to eat I hung up my baking apron a long time ago and rarely put it back on. I miss it. I love the smell of something delicious baking. I love seeing the finished product cooling on wire racks on my countertop. I miss biting into a hot, gooey cookie right out of the oven. I miss looking through my cookbooks and finding new sweet treats to bake on a cold Fall or Winter day. I have three favorite cookie cookbooks. I have had others over the years, but these three made the cut when downsizing my cookbook collection. I still love sitting and looking through them, maybe drooling a little, though I rarely make anything out of them.

I bought this cookbook when we lived in Nevada and I was in my "country" decor and craft phase. There is a whole series of these books. Great country crafts, homey recipes for comfort food and fun family tradition stories and ideas. This is the only one I have left of the handful that I had.

This book has a special place in my heart. If you were to ask me what my favorite gift is that Tony has ever bought for me I would say this cookbook without hesitation. Not long after we were married when we were in college and broke, of course, we were living in married student housing at Montana State University. Tony worked almost full-time at the Safeway grocery store. He came home late one night from work with this $6.95 cookie cookbook for me and said, "I saw this and it made me think of you." It made my heart happy. I love this cookbook. :)

This cookbook is also from my country, crafty phase. I loved the Taste of Home magazines that I got in the mail every other month. The recipes were so yummy and perfect comfort food. But, I soon outgrew these cookbooks as our diet changed, but of course, the cookie cookbook made the cut and still has a permanent place on my cookbook shelf.

So now that my love for everything cookies is pretty apparent, I will get to the main reason for this blog post. I search for and hold onto things that bring me comfort. I love things that make my life feel settled and bring calm to my life. With a busy family of five sometimes that is hard to do. I've decided that I want to bring baking back into my days because it is one of my happy places. I don't mean Paleo friendly baking. I don't care who you are you can't honestly tell me it is the same. The texture isn't the same, the taste isn't the same and the joy of making sinful goodies isn't the same. So I have decided that we are going to start a Vanorny Family Winter Baking Project, a VFWBP if you will. :) Every week we are going to take turns choosing a new sweet treat recipe from our favorite cookbooks and we are going to bake them together. There are going to be messy counters, dirty dishes, fun pictures and great memories. Sometimes we will share our goodies with others. Other times we may decide to finish them off ourselves. Other times I expect there just won't be any left to even consider who to share them with they will disappear so fast. My youngest daughter loves to bake, but rarely gets the chance simply because we don't bake much or eat many baked goods in our house. This bums her out so I am excited for her to do something she loves. We will enjoy in moderation and I expect my workouts on Monday may not feel that great, but for the wonderful memories as a family and hearing Kenna say, "This is going to be SO fun!" I am willing to take that chance.

So our Fall of baking is put into action by Abigail. Yesterday she wanted to make a spice cake, but we didn't have the ingredients for the frosting she wanted so she decided on pumpkin bread instead. We all agreed it got two thumbs up!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Ingredients
3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 (16 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup water

Directions
In a large bowl, combine sugar, oil and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine dry ingredients; add to the pumpkin mixture alternately with water. Pour into two greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 60-65 minutes or until bread tests done. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack; cool completely.

I think this was best after it was cooled, wrapped up and sat overnight. Yummo! So moist and delicious! Enjoy!

{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{a weekend with the v's}

What a wonderful weekend! It started out in the gym. You are starting to realize, if you haven't already, that I talk about the gym A LOT. The gym is a very important place to me. My family goes there together, Tony and I get to workout together from time-to-time, I get stronger, sometimes I get to step in and help people get stronger, I learn more each day and I am learning how to teach in the gym. We have great coaches that keep us motivated everyday. Throughout the year we have potlucks at the gym to enjoy our community outside of workouts. This time we had a Pink Party. Eat pink, find something pink to bring to the potluck. Wear pink, find something pink to show your support for breast cancer awareness. It was so fun seeing everybody in their pink and what they found to prepare for the potluck. We found there was a lot of salmon. :) Yum!! Everybody looked great in their pink, but I think the Hearn family may have won the prize. The guys all sported huge pink ribbons around their neck like a huge scarf and the ladies revamped their "Tuff Enough" t-shirts to make them a little more girly and added a little bling that made my laugh and a little teary all at once.

I was blessed with many hugs, words of support, a new stainless steel water bottle (because plastic is evil) and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. After much grazing of good food and visiting with great friends, Coach B got everybody's attention and said a few words. When he was finished he broke out some new CrossFit stocking caps available for sale that Miss P ordered. Check these out! How awesome are these? We bought four total for our family, I bought one for my girlfriend in Denver and my siblings ordered six all together! Fantastic!

After Coach B finished saying a few words it was my turn. I didn't have anything planned out to say and I was starting to cry before I even had one sentence out. I hope I said enough to convey my gratitude and love for our gym community. Afterwards I kept thinking of things I wish I would have said. One thing, I wish I would have specifically acknowledged our coach and his wife. They have done so much for us in terms of support and organizing great things to show that support from them and the gym as a whole. Thank you, Buf and Penny! I love you guys. It was a great evening of friends. You can't beat that.

Later that night when Tony and I were talking about the evening I told him that one thing I haven't done enough is thank him for his love and support. I started crying immediately when I started to tell him this. I could not have made it through all of this without my dear husband. This was hard on him. I think as a spouse you would feel helpless. You can't take the pain away or make things better. He had a hard time telling people that his wife had cancer. When he called his dad to tell him he told his dad while choking up that he had bad news and then couldn't speak. He was overwhelmed with worry leading up to my surgery worrying that something would happen to me. He was stressed at the thought of taking care of everything and getting the work done that he needed to for work. After surgery he took care of me. He brought me food, he got me my meds during the day and in the middle of the night. He changed the dressings on my incisions, he emptied my drains, he dressed me, he washed my hair and soaped me up in the shower. He took care of the kids, he loved up on them, he drove me around, he went to every appointment with me, he held onto me when I cried and stroked my hair when I sobbed. He held my hand and handed me kleenex when I cried. He looked at my body after surgery like nothing had changed. . . like nothing had changed when everything had. I could go on and on, but that last thing is the one thing I needed most.

So our wonderful weekend continues. Friday night at the gym wore me out and left me pretty sore. Just being up and about, even if I'm not doing a whole lot does this to me. So Saturday morning Tony let Tyler and me sleep in (Tyler was recovering from a stomach bug) and he packed Kenna up for her first wrestling tournament. A Blue/Red Takedown Tournament. I had no idea what this was so had to ask. It's a nice short tournament. A great way to break newbies into a wrestling tournament. You win a match by scoring two takedowns. My girl kicked some butt! :-) She lost her first one and won the next two.

She didn't want to go at all and was very nervous her first match. She had no idea what to expect, but quickly figured it out. In a text I asked Tony if she was enjoying it after she had a chance to wrestle. He said she had just told him with a huge smile on her face, "I'm so proud of me!" Oh, honey, you should be! When she got home she told me, "I was so scared." I said, "That's okay. If you don't do things that scare you, you won't know what you can do."

Later that night we had friends over for drinks and munchies. We chatted, ate, had drinks, ate, laughed, laughed some more, ate, visited and laughed some more. Great times. I broke out a great "game" that Tony and discovered a few years ago when we spent our 15th anniversary at some cottages on Lake Superior. It is called "Table Topics".

It is a box of cards with "questions to start great conversations". Just like the box says, it did just that! Good times!

You can get a family one, Girl's Night Out, etc. I picked up, "Not Your Mom's Dinner Party". Pick up a box for your family or a fun night with friends. I plan to get a family one next. The kids will love it!

Sunday! Today was a good, good day. Our coach and his wife invited us to their awesome log home for brunch. They live about 30 minutes from us and it was a beautiful sunny day for a drive. The sun was shining on our winter wonderland.

We spent about three hours with them visiting and enjoying a wonderful meal. We were treated to mimosas, stuffed french toast with huckleberry sauce and fresh whipped cream (I'm pretty sure this didn't make the Paleo list, but it was amazing!) and cheesy scrambled eggs topped with a mixture of sausage and a bunch of yummy veggies. It was wonderful. After breakfast the kids went outside and enjoyed a fantastic sledding hill and roaming the mountainside. We finished up our visit with the kids warming up and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate. What a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Next we headed out for a little drive that would end up being the kids favorite part of the day. :) Earlier in the day, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Tony started searching for dogs in the ads online. In his search he came across an ad for a female and male purebred Welsh Corgis for sale for $100 each. Soooo, Tony called on them and we headed out for a little drive to check out the dogs. We found out that the female was no longer available because the owner thought she might be pregnant. Oops! We were interested in the male anyways so that worked okay. So when we got there we walked back out to the car with Dewey (I would have named him Jesse) and asked the kids what they thought. "What?!" "Is it ours?" "Are you serious?" :) So we are now the proud owners of a 3-year-old Welsh Corgi. So far he seems like a great, mellow dog. He loves the kids, hasn't barked once and is about as active as a cat in a sunbeam. He made himself right at home and found a great spot to sleep on the floor right beside the dog bed we bought him. Go figure! I can't wait to get him in for a good grooming. He actually looks really great, but I want him cleaned to my liking. Tony and the kids brushed him which worked for me because brushing dogs gives me the heebie-jeebies. Weird, I know, but it gets me out of brushing the dog. lol

Introducing, Dewey! Tony said he is a little dog and a big dog all rolled up in one! lol He loves being outside and rolling around in the snow. So far the honeymoon is still in effect because the kids love taking him outside, even in the cold. We have also found that he likes to sleep on the couch when everybody has gone to bed. We will be working on that. That gives me the heebie-jeebies, too. He got scolded three times last night for being on the couch. The first couple times gently, the third time was a bit more stern. Tony and I cracked up because the third time he walked just past us and sat down with his back to us and totally ignored us. Too funny! The kids love him and Tony loves having a dog in the house again. I'm still not sure what to think. But, I do feel that we gave him a better home than what he had and that makes me feel good. He made himself at home and you would think he has lived here his entire life.

We had a full, fun weekend and I love weekends like that. I hope yours was just as wonderful! Even better is okay, too!

{super happy fun ball}

Do any of you remember the Saturday Night Live commercial spoof for the Super Happy Fun Ball?  If not, please, let me refresh your memory.

SNL Super Happy Fun Ball

The Super Happy Fun Ball is amazing!  One great benefit of fun times, but watch out for the warning list a mile long. 

 There is a drug in the tail end of my treatment that was suggested I take, Tamoxifen.  I read about this drug right after I was diagnosed when I was researching my cancer.  After I was done reading about it the first thing I thought of was the Super Happy Fun Ball.  Holy crap!  One site I found (I'm trying to find it again) said that tamoxifen had 25 risks, its benefit is that it cuts your risk of reoccurrence by 50%.  Tamoxifen is taken daily for five years.  Anymore than five years gives no additional benefit and can actually be harmful. 

Let me take a little break here and get you up-to-speed on why it is suggested that I take tamoxifen.

Yesterday we met with the oncologist because of the 1.2 invasive tumor that was found in the tissue that was removed during surgery.  My oncology surgeon presented my tumor to an advisory board of ten doctors here so it was like getting 10 second opinions on the next step in my treatment.  They all agreed that on a tumor 1.2 mm in size it would be ridiculous to do chemo.  WooHoo!  Trina-2 Cancer-0!!!!  The oncologist said that all I would have to do is take  Tamoxifen daily for five years.  Boo!  Trina-2 Cancer-1 :(  He said it is the smallest invasive tumor he has ever seen in his 30 years of practice.  He said I have really pretty much wiped out all my chances of getting breast cancer by doing the bilateral mastectomy and my chances of dying from breast cancer are pretty much zero.  Trina-3 Cancer-1!!!!  After talking to us about the tamoxifen and all the different odds of reoccurrence  he said, "You could even make a good case to not take the tamoxifen your risk is so low."  Because the tumor is so small my chance of reoccurrence is about 2%.  So I would take Tamoxifen for five years with its laundry list of risks and side effects to lower my risk from 2% down to 1%.  Hmmmm.  I'm not sold.  (After I fill you in on these risks and side effects you will see why.)  After he printed us some information on tamoxifen he said, "As I think about it more I really think not taking it is a good decision, too.  If the tumor was bigger and you didn't want to take it I would definitely try to talk you into it."  Trina-4 Cancer-1!!!!!  I told him I had been reading some information on natural therapies and asked him if he knew of anybody that had gone that route.  He said they have a naturopath that comes into their office once/week that I could talk to.  He said his thought on natural therapy is that it can't hurt, but he finds it more as a complementary treatment.  I immediately thought that if he felt I would be okay not taking the Tamoxifen period then a complementary treatment alone might be perfect.  This is the route I had already decided to take, but I did want to hear what he had to say.  So, I am not going to take it.  I have an appointment next Thursday with a naturopath that came very highly recommended to discuss my options with.   I have been reading some interesting stuff online regarding breast cancer and estrogen dominance.  It makes sense to me and many of the physical problems that can come from this I have experienced or still do.  If I find it doesn't work or I decide I would feel more comfortable taking the tamoxifen I can still do that at a later date.  I will write more on estrogen dominance and it's role in breast cancer in my next post.

So back to tamoxifen.  This is how it works.  Tamoxifen interferes with estrogen activity.  Some breast cancer cells, like mine, are estrogen-receptor positive.  This means that estrogen binds to these cancer cells and causes the cells to grow.  Tamoxifen acts as an antiestrogen and blocks estrogen from binding to these cancer cells.  Cool right?  However, the drawback is that even though tamoxifen works against estrogen in the breast it acts like estrogen in other tissues.  No bueno.  I was unable to find the article that I read that stated tamoxifen had 25 risks and side effects so I am going to just stick with info I found on one site, www.cancer.gov.  We all know that it isn't a good idea to go crazy researching online.  Pick and choose your sites well.  Though I have found that you have to dig a little deeper and check out articles and other studies that give additional information that aren't always shared.   It isn't always butterflies and rainbows.  So here is an excerpt from cancer.gov:

"The known, serious side effects of tamoxifen are blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer, and cataracts. Other side effects of tamoxifen are similar to the symptoms of menopause. The most common side effects are hot flashes and vaginal discharge. Some women experience irregular menstrual periods , headaches, fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting, vaginal dryness or itching, irritation of the skin around the vagina, and skin rash. As with menopause, not all women who take tamoxifen have these symptoms."

Woo-hoo!  Sign me up, right?!  My goodness!  Who wouldn't think twice about taking this drug? 

Here are a couple of things I found interesting in a couple of articles I came across.  Of course, I'm obviously not a medical professional so I don't know the validity of the studies, but when you are the one deciding on treatment they make you stop and go "hmmmm".  One study with 632 high-risk women participating showed that after a program spit out their risk of reoccurrence based on each of their medical cases and how tamoxifen would benefit them, only 6% said they would take the drug.  Three months later when a follow-up was done on the women only 1% ended up taking the drug.  They found that even though the women were high risk they were turned off by the risks and side effects.  In a second article a study found that though tamoxifen reduced the risk of cancer with estrogen-receptor positive cells it increased the risk of getting a very aggressive and hard to cure cancer with estrogen-receptor negative cells by 440%. 

So in my book tamoxifen is a very close relative to the Super Happy Fun Ball.  First cousin, maybe even an aunt, but definitely the crazy aunt in the attic that many people might be a little leery of.  I am very fortunate in my case that my risk of reoccurrence is so low that my doctor felt I could decide not to take it and it would be a good decision.  Like he said, "everybody should be so lucky."  So, it may be easy for me to say, "I decline this treatment plan."  I guess it is just a lesson to everybody to be sure you inform yourself, ask questions and find out if there are alternative treatments that may not be so scary behind the scenes.  The Super Happy Fun ball sure looks fun but always beware the warnings! :)

• Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.


• Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.


• Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.


• Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.


• Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
  
  
  
  • itching
  
  
  • vertigo
  
  
  • dizziness
  
  
  • tingling in extremities
  
  
  • loss of balance or coordination
  
  
  • slurred speech
  
  
  • temporary blindness
  
  
  • profuse sweating
  
  
  • heart palpitations
  
  
  
  


• If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.


• Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.


• When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.


• Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.


• Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.


• Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.


• Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee

{destination home}

Part 2 of my little stay in the hospital.  There wasn't much of anything exciting, but it is part of my journey so I am sharing.

Wednesday, February 3.  In come the nurses for one of the many visits in the middle of the night.  I woke from what felt like hours of sleep thinking "How nice this night is coming to an end."  When I asked the nurse what time it was I was very disappointed to find out it was only 12:30 a.m.  Ugh!  I felt like I had been run over by a truck, my tailbone and sacrum hurt from sitting upright and I still felt sick to my stomach though not near as bad as before.  I was given more drugs for the pain and all my vitals were taken.  I am assuming "vitals" include blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels (I think that was what the thing on my finger measured) and my pulse.  Once all that was done I was left to sink back into my sleepy, drugged stupor.  But, when you spend the night in the hospital that sleep doesn't last long because it seems that just as you fall back to sleep here comes the nurse again.  I don't want to complain too much because it seems like they came with more pain meds quite often, but I was so tired.  When they rolled in at 3:00 a.m.  they had me eat my little cup of warm green jello and some crackers so I could take some painkillers.  I had no idea if that would all stay down, but it did and it felt good to have a little something in my stomach.  I guess I had enough sleep because I couldn't fall back asleep and laid there fairly wide awake until about 4:30 when I finally drifted off.  Ahhh, sweet sleep UNTIL 6:00 when the nurse came in to get me up to walk!  Are you serious?  It is still dark out!  So I sat up and sat on the edge of my bed for what seemed like forever because I was so dizzy and light headed.  I was finally able to stand up and we took a nice slow walk down the hall and back with a brief stop at the nurse's station to order breakfast.  Very light as I was afraid of how my stomach would feel with food in it.  Scrambled eggs and fruit.  Happy to say it didn't make me sick, but I still didn't feel ready for a huge, complicated meal.  Simple is safe.

Shortly after I returned to my room and was left "comfortable" in a chair for a change of scenery my doctor arrived to check on me.    They unsnapped my gown and proceeded to unzip my tight sportsbra type bra to check out her handy work.  She was pleased with how they looked and my incision sites looked great.  Not a single dressing required.  It was crazy.  I was surprised at how few incisions I had for my major surgery.  I had two drains (which totally grossed me out) each with one itty, bitty incision, a 1 1/2 inch incision where they removed four lymph nodes and then my incisions on the front of each breast that were now two small cinched up spots where I once had nipples.  I know, sorry for the "too much info", but really there is no modesty left after this whole process.  It's breast cancer, breast stuff is going to come up.  In fact, I have decided at some point I am going to describe in kind of tasteful detail how breast reconstruction isn't like getting a boob job.  So, you have been warned.  It's coming.  I have been very open and very frank about this whole process.  I don't expect I will stop now. 

Sorry, I digress...when my doctor was done checking me out they had to pull my tight sports bra back on and zip it up the front.  Oh, my goodness!  That hurt so damn bad.  I just about came out of my skin.  Imagine traumatized, terribly inflamed, swollen, pain like you have never imagined Dolly Parton boobs shoved into a bra three sizes too small.  I repeat, pain like you have never imagined.  When they left I decided I needed to get back in bed.  Not an easy feat.  Every movement jarred my chest and I couldn't use my arms to pull myself back into bed.  I had to sit back as far as I could to the elevated end of the bed and do a crazy, little, slow butt shimmy that seemed to take forever and hurt with every shimmy.  But, I made it into bed and was so happy to be able to lay back in bed after my painful experience of getting my boobs tucked back away and trying to get back in bed.  I was totally exhausted and just laid back to rest.  It was as close to peaceful and comfortable as one could get after a major surgery.

The one thing that I couldn't believe hearing all morning was "When you go home today...."  What?!  I feel horrible, how can I possibly go home today?  I just had a bunch of tissue cut out, my pec muscles separated from the chest wall and 350 cc implants shoved under them.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck and then backed over and hit again.  How on God's green earth was I going to go home today?  I tried not to think about it and prayed they would see that I was a mess and couldn't possibly go home.  When my aunt came into see me she told me that I would be surprised at how much better I felt by late afternoon.  Okay, I'm open to just sitting and waiting.  If I didn't feel comfortable going home I was going to push to stay.  I had a few more visitors during the day the best being my kiddos.  I was in a much more pleasant state for company and they were excited to see me.  I looked at all the great cards their classes made for me and was able to lean forward just enough to give them kisses.  One of A's classmates wrote, "I'm sorry this happened to you.  You are probably a good person."  Hahahahaha!  It was awesome.  Kids say the greatest things.

So late afternoon rolls around and here comes the nurse with my discharge papers ready to kick me to the curb.  When it is time to go, it is time to go!  And you know what?  I felt ready to go home.  I honestly didn't think I would.  A friend encouraged me to get out of the hospital ASAP to get away from the disease and infection that is in a hospital and that made sense.  The bed was so uncomfortable, I missed being with my family all the time and I didn't want to spend another night being woke up every couple of hours.  So around 4:00 in the afternoon I left the hospital and I was happy to.   Less than 24 hours in my hospital room.  Just crazy.  The girls were waiting at home for us and were so excited to see me.  T spent the day with one of our friends and would be home later.  I got the best greeting from him when he got home. 

It was a good day.  It was good to be home.

{the grass IS greener}

Oh, my goodness.  Cancer-free is an AMAZING place to be.  The grass doesn't always end up being greener on the other side, but in this case it is a lush, fresh, gorgeous, beautiful shade of green!  It's my new favorite color!  This post is going to be the first of several starting at surgery and getting caught up to the present.   I think it will take me a little while to get these posts done because I tire pretty quickly and looking at the computer for too long makes me a little nauseous and dizzy.  But, I just want to start this by saying that I am so pleasantly surprised at how good I feel.  I never guessed that I would feel this good 48 hours after having MAJOR surgery.  (I started putting this post together on the 4th.) I think just being on this side of surgery and having this huge weight lifted plays a major role in how I feel.  I just feel so good and that makes me so happy.

Tuesday, February 1.  The night before surgery.  We spent the evening getting ready for our day.  Confirming kids care for the next day and packing a small bag.  I was only going to be there overnight so I didn't have to gather much.  The best part about Tuesday night was my sister, Jarali, arriving.  She stayed the night with us and planned to go to the hospital with us and keep Tony company during my surgery.

Tuesday, February 2. We got up and got ready for our day like almost every other day.  Except today wasn't like any other day, not even close.  We got the kids off to school, Tony got a few things done before we had to head to the hospital and I typed out a short blog post.  As time was drawing very close for us to head to the hospital he came and sat on the edge of our bed.  I knelt in front of him, wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head in his lap. He rubbed my back while we just sat there.  Pretty soon he said, "Should we go?" and I broke down crying.  We gathered up my stuff and we headed off to the hospital with Jarali right behind us.  Tony dropped me off while he looked for a parking spot.  Parking is ridiculous at our hospital so if you ever have to be up there for something plan accordingly to drive around forever looking for a spot and then plan on a nice little walk.  So I got registered and was led back to prep me for surgery.  I got my beautiful hospital gown and robe and then had an IV hooked up.  Shortly after this our family friend, Sandy, showed up to sit with us.  It was so nice to see her and visiting was a nice distraction.  Pretty soon my aunt, who is the managing OR nurse at the hospital, came in to see me and make sure I was being well taken care of.  She was amazing during this whole process. She gave great recommendations, gathered information and personally put together my OR team and assigned my anesthesiologist.  I was confident I was in good hands.  About 45 minutes before surgery was about to start my massage arrived.  Our hospital offers a shoulder or foot massage before surgery to help you relax.  I almost turned this down when I was filling out paperwork because I was thinking I might just want to be left alone.  But, then I remembered that my cousin does the massages at the hospital. Sign me up!  I opted for a foot massage and it really was relaxing.  I got my massage (I think maybe a little longer than normal!), visited with family and just waited until it was time.  I was very happy that I ended up not taking a Valium to help me relax.  I had planned to, but then I decided I really didn't want to because I didn't want to feel loopy for any of my time with Tony before I was taken into the OR.  All too soon, it was time.  Everybody gave me a hug and I held onto Tony extra long and got some extra kisses and then my bed was wheeled into the OR.  At this point I only had about four minutes of memory before slipping away into a deep sleep.  I was moved onto the operating table, a pillow was placed under my knees, a nurse introduced herself (a long time friend of my aunt's) and then the anesthesiologist said he was going to give me something to relax.  That was all she wrote.  The next thing I know I am in my hospital room.

Wednesday night was a sickly, icky blur.  I was terribly sick from the anesthesia and I could hardly keep my eyes open.  When my eyes were open I wanted to throw up.  The nurses went through the entire pharmacy of anti-nausea drugs trying to calm it down.  I don't know if any of them worked or not.  I really can't remember.  A couple of the first things I remember are my right palm hurting something fierce (weird I know) and asking my aunt to rub it and oxygen tubes being put in my nose.  I vaguely remember friends coming and going.  I asked Tony if I was totally out of it when they came and he said, "No, you were very gracious and thanked all of them for stopping."  I hope he isn't lying because I hate that I wasn't coherent enough to enjoy these visits and I /we greatly appreciate all of the love and support and thank you SO much for stopping by to see me. :-)   One of our friends from the gym stopped by my room at the end of her shift as a nurse.  Tony was very happy to show up back in my room and find somebody sitting with me.  

Tony wanted to spend every minute with me, but our kids were at home waiting.  Waiting to know that mom was all right.  After I was set up in my room Tony headed home to prepare to bring the kids up to the hospital to see me.  He considered not bringing them up because I was in really bad shape.    Like I said, I don't remember much the entire night after surgery.  I just remember being miserable and my poor babies seeing me like that.  Tony weighed all of this, but he knew the kids were going to be traumatized if he went home and said they couldn't go see me.  They had to see that mom was "okay".  I remember them showing up and they were so excited to show me the cards their classes had made me.  I remember holding each of their hands and seeing each of them, but then I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.  Tony said he left the hospital with three weepy, sad babies.  They came home and they all cuddled up on our bed.  Our neighbor girl came over a little later to sit with the kids for a couple of hours so Tony could come back up and sit with me.  When she walked in the door all three kids broke down crying and wrapped her up in a big group hug.  That night all three of them slept in our room with Tony. :-(  My poor babies.  But, to let you all know, just like this surgery was a huge relief to Tony and me it is as much of a relief to my kids.  They aren't worried anymore and they all seem themselves.  It is a wonderful thing.

Tony came back up to sit with me for a couple of hours, though I hardly remember any of it.  I finally got sick around 10:00 pm and slowly started to feel a little better.  Tony said as soon as I threw up the color returned to my face and I rested easier.  He left around 10:30 to relieve our sitter and try to get some sleep before getting the kids ready to come back up in the morning. 

So, there you have it.  Day one of the rest of my life.  Day one cancer free!!!!

{soul under construction}

What are you going to do for your soul in 2011?  Here we are already closing in on the end of January already.  Did you make New Year's Resolutions?  I don't like to make New Year's resolutions.  Strike that, I did publicly resolve to quit giving up lattes.  So far so good! :)  For the most part I think if you are going to make changes or set goals for yourself you shouldn't wait until January 1st to do it.  Today is a good day to do that.   So I didn't make any resolutions for the year.  Instead I'm making a list of things I'm going to do for my soul.

• Take care of the never-ending mass of pictures that are stacking up in my computer.  Print them and put them in albums.  Put pictures in frames that have been sitting in my closet unused.  Put together the big collage of family pics that I have been wanting to do along my stairs.


• Take care of things at home.  Sew with Abigail more.  Teach Kenna to sew on her new sewing machine.  Bake with Kenna.  Sort through the clutter piles that weigh on me that have stacked up over the past couple busy years. Try more new Paleo recipes.  Cook more.  Read more to the kids. Play more games. Etc.


• Be creative.  Take fewer orders and sew more for myself.  Try new things.  Use patterns, pattern books and fabric that I have been itching to use, but haven't had the time.  Start a "green" line of bags.  Sew gifts for friends.  Sew items to donate. Do more feel good sewing. Make one Christmas gift per month. Start a sewing bee day with like-minded sewing friends.


• Be patient with myself with my recovery and my slow climb back in the gym.  Beat my "Fran" time somewhere on the other side. New deadlift PR.  Figure out that 2nd pull on the clean and snatch.  Find a jump rope that will make me a double under ninja and get a PR on "Annie".


• Take a trip to Denver to visit one of my best friends.  Take a weekend trip or two to my "beach" within driving distance, Wallace, ID.  I know!  Wallace?? I got so many, "You're going where?" comments when I went for a weekend. I love that little town and I was very pleased to see that it made Budget Travel magazine's "2009 Coolest Small Towns". :) I'm not the only one!  I should blog my Wallace weekend sometime...hmmmm......


• Get a another tattoo. :D


• Take up hot yoga again.


• More dates with my husband.  In home dates, walking dates, shopping dates, coffee dates, hiking dates, overnight dates, driving dates, quiet dates, funny dates, just dates...

So there you have it.  I've put my soul under construction and here are the things I'm going to do for my new and improved soul.  All feel good things and "feel good" is good for the soul.  What are you going to do for your soul?  Make your own list and put it someplace where you will always see it and be reminded of the work you want to do on your soul.  Do something "feel good" for your soul!!

{look, cupcakes}

Because I don't want my blog to end on a down note today I am going to quickly post the fantastic suprise I received in the mail today.  My sister-in-law is a cake decorating ninja!  She makes the most amazing, awesome, holy crap cakes you've ever seen.  Gumball machines, RVs, catepillars, Cinderella's carriage, turkeys, "Twilight" inspired cakes, etc.  "Not Your Everyday Cake" is what she calls her cake decorating business and that pretty much hits the nail on the head!   And lucky for us, her talents spill over into cupcake splendor.  Read on and behold the masterpiece, well masterpieces, she sent me.  She said it just made sense to "take a bite out of Breast Cancer." :)

So, if you are reading my blog you know that I was ready to kick my body to the curb this morning.  I still kind of want to, but I feel much better after some tears, laughs with the kids, incredible messages of encouragement and love, and then straight from the hands of my mailman came the "icing on the cake", so to speak.  Boob cupcakes complete with a little pink ribbon!!!!

I had planned to take the kids to Coldstone tonight to help drown my sorrows in a dish of Mojo Mudpie.  Instead, we went to the grocery store, we each picked out a single serving tub of ice cream in our flavor of choice (chocolate, cookies and cream, double fudge brownie and mocha almond fudge), came home and enjoyed a boob cupcake with some ice cream.  It seemed a little wrong to give my kids a boob cupcake, but it was just too damn funny! 

Thank you so much to my sister-in-law for thinking of me and taking the time to make my day better.  Little did she know this wonderful, hilarious surprise would arrive on a day that I needed it most.  You have to find humor in everything to get you through. Laughter IS the best medicine.   Thank you for the laugh when I needed the biggest dose!

{1 in 200,000}

1 in 200,000.  This is the average number of women that are diagnosed with breast cancer each year.  548 women per day.  When you think of 1 in 200,000 your odds seem kind of slim to be that one.  Really, think about being one person in a city of 200,000 people.  You alone can seem like a pretty insignificant person when you think of the whole...until you are that one.  Wednesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, DCIS, a non-invasive early stage of breast cancer that is localized in the breast ducts. Shock. Numbness. Empty. Surreal. These are all things that Tony and I felt when I got off the phone with my doctor.  My doctor's first words to me were "don't panic, it is localized and is a very early stage of cancer".  Within about two hours I got a call back from my doctor's receptionist to set up an appointment the next morning with the breast doctor at the Bass Breast Center at the hospital and then a call from a wonderful woman, Sandy, at the women's clinic where I had my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsies.  I've been telling people she is like the "mom" at the women's clinic.  She makes sure you are "ok", gives gentle consults, keeps your family informed in the waiting room, is present when you arrive at the breast center, takes you to see the MRI so you are prepared, etc.  I also found that when you are alone in the ultrasound room waiting to have your biopsies done and crying because you just found out that your husband can't be with you she comes and sits on the edge of the bed to comfort you and explain why and to apologize for not making sure we knew this before arriving.  Back to Sandy's call . . . she called to tell me, "I know all you are hearing is cancer, but it's not cancer.  They are cancer cells that are just sitting there and it is easily taken care of."  Well, people, it IS cancer and though it is considered a Stage 0 cancer and "easily taken care of" there is more to it than that.  "Easily taken care of" to me means schedule surgery, cut out the lumps, bid me a farewell at the door and thank me for coming.  Don't be fooled by Stage 0 cancer.  (We have become skeptical at any reassurance of anything by this point.  More on that later, maybe even another short blog post.)  Now let me say that I know this could have been 120% worse as people are diagnosed at far worse stages of cancer (ask my god-daughter who was 7 years old when she was diagnosed) and will have a far worse journey than I will.  But, cancer is never "easy" when you are the one that has it.

Anyhoo, back to not being fooled by this Stage 0 cancer.  Cancer is a scary thing with a mind of its own.  After being assured that it is localized, doesn't know how to travel to the lymph nodes and it isn't invasive, my doctor told me she has a gut feeling that there is a chance that there could be some invasive cancer.  So, she will test lymph nodes when I have surgery and I need an MRI to know for sure and to find out the exact location of the lumps to find out just how many there are.  AND I should have genetic testing done to determine if I have a mutated gene that leaves me at high risk for reoccuing cancer in the cancered up breast and the other one AND ovarian cancer.  Both of these tests will determine the extent of my treatment options.  These options are A) a lumpectomy, radiation and endocrine therapy (drugs I will take for the next five years to reduce the risk of reoccurance by 50%).  This option leaves me with a 5-25% of reoccurance of breast cancer.  B) a mastectomy, no radiation or drugs required afterwards.  This option leaves me with a 2-5% chance of reoccurrence and a grand set of new boobs.  I've breast-fed three babies and have the boobs to prove it and have dreams of a grand set of new boobs, but this isn't the way I imagined getting them.  I thought maybe I would embezzle from the kids college fund for mom's new knockers. ;)  Just kidding, of course! (A dear mom friend of mine told me "laughter is the best medicine" so I'm trying!)  So, though the new, perky boobs sound heavenly a mastectomy does not.  This doesn't fall into my idea of "easily taken care of".  Do you ladies out there agree or is it just me???  I was telling a wonderful male in my life about my appointment and that the mastectomy sounded like it could be a real  possibility and he said, "that's no big deal."  I understand his logic that a mastectomy is a little sacrifice if it is getting rid of pretty much all possibility of cancer.  But, losing a breast or even the thought of having to make the decision to lose my breast IS a big deal.  It is a very personal thing and one of the characteristics of a woman.  Yes, I realize I will have reconstructive surgery, but it is still a scary thing to be faced with.  I have to admit that after a full day of walking around in a fog, a good night's sleep, many hugs from my hubby, rereading info from my doctor and blogging I've pretty much decided to have a mastectomy if that is our best option for me to remain cancer-free for the rest of my life and that is our main objective.  I don't want to do this again.

Another thing that makes me sad is that my sisters and my girls are now at high-risk for breast cancer.  My mom friend said maybe it is my job to be the dragon slayer to pave the way and give my sisters and daughters a heads up in life so that they can be on top of their breast health.  Maybe, but I am busy and tired and . . ."Somedays I just don't feel like slaying dragons."  But, slay dragons I will for the next couple months.

From the beginning of all of this I have always felt that everything will be fine in the end and it will.  The prognosis with this type of cancer is survival and I am most thankful for that and know that many people are not that fortunate.  I have been telling people that I never felt that I would be fighting for my life, just my health.  So fight and move forward is what I will do everyday.  Will everyday be a grand day?  No, I don't think so.  I'm on a road to becoming cancer free and no matter what the cancer or stage is it isn't an easy road.  Bottom line, at the end of the day I have cancer.  Cancer doesn't always play nice or the way the doctors think it should and it is just damn scary.  But, I am doing well, I've had time to process everything and ready to move forward.  Really, there is nothing else we can do, but move forward.  We have wonderful friends and family and have amazing support.

So my blog  just took a different turn for a couple months . . . this is definitely the "life in between."