{comfortable place, next left}

It’s been a long time since I have written a blog post having to do with breast cancer stuff, but I was reminded the other day that every now and then I should continue on with the reason I really started this blog.  A little reminder of that reason for my followers or simply to let you know if you are reading this for the first time.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over three years ago I got online to see if I could find something, anything about a CrossFitter that had breast cancer, cancer similar to mine, about the same stage, looking at the same treatment options and looking at slowly getting back to their “before” in the gym. I knew I could wade through treatment options, surgeries, etc., but I had no idea how to go about getting back to, or close to where I had been, in the gym.  I also wanted to find a blog written by somebody that didn’t sugar coat anything, kind of a “Girlfriend’s Guide to Breast Cancer”.  I didn’t want to read all the statistics, all the medical mumbo-jumbo, long lists of motivational quotes, etc.  I wanted to read the good, the bad and the ugly.  I wanted to hear the real stuff...the tears, the break throughs, the break-downs, the pissed off days, the joyful days, etc.  I couldn’t find anything that really caught my eye or reached to me like I had hoped.  So I decided to start my own blog and fill it full of the nit and grit that I tried to find to help me through, give me a real look at what I might experience, and see that somebody else was struggling with or celebrating what I was.

Since posting my first breast cancer related post on December 25, 2010, I have received many comments from many friends and family, some strangers, and several emails from fellow CrossFitters that were or are facing the same or similar things that I had.  Over three years after that first post I received yet another email the other night.  My initial reaction is always the same when I first read these emails. Sadness. I always tear up and am saddened that another woman’s  life is being directly touched, totally changed by cancer. I still distinctly remember the fear, the frustration, the sadness, the disbelief, etc.  I hate the thought of people feeling those things. This gal wrote something in her email that stuck with me, “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...it’s good to read that you can get there.”  “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...”  All I could think when I read that is “Isn’t that the god’s honest truth?!” I remember doing that day after day after day. Days that felt like they would never end. Weeks and months down the road that seemed a lifetime away. Getting used to my new body, getting used to the idea that my boobs were never going to look “real” again, fighting to be patient everyday in the gym, trusting that a full recovery was going to happen, reminding myself daily that the most important thing in my life was that I was cancer free and things could have been worse...finding that comfortable place was not always an easy road. “...It’s good to read that you can get there”, and then there came a day that I got there and not surprising that it started in the gym with a 95# clean and jerk! (Well, okay, I mostly got there. I still have some days that I’m not happy with my ladies, they are kind of a work in process...more to come on that!) Wow, that comfortable place did exist!  

Comfortable Place, next left.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy to find with a huge sign boldly giving directions and somedays I wasn't sure it existed.  The journey there was more like a series of U-turns, dead ends, merge lefts, merge rights, one-way streets and speed bumps. But, none-the-less, there it was...just waiting for me to show up. MY comfortable place, MY place that I could move forward in, MY place that most people could never understand just how much that place needed to be found.

I  have always said the only good thing about getting cancer is you may be given the opportunity to help somebody that may be going through the same thing. Being able to connect with somebody that knows exactly how you are feeling or what you are going through provides a sense of comfort and hope that nobody else can give you.  A friend said to me, “To give others hope...real hope based on reality and not smoke and mirrors is one of the most awesome gifts one can give another...a gift that gives to both.” It’s true, it’s a gift to be given hope through the truth and it is a gift being able to give somebody even a tiny bit of hope when they are looking ahead and have no idea if they can get back to where they were before.  Hope can give you strength and patience you didn’t realize you had or strength and patience that you desperately need. 

To D, yes, you will do a pull-up again! And if you are like me, the first one will be scary and then you will drop off the bar and cry because at one point doing a pull-up again seemed like an impossible task. But, that first pull up quickly became a string of pull-ups and then before I knew it I was doing “Fran” just like everybody else. (I’m still not sure if that is a good or bad thing!)  It’s a slow road getting back to your “before”, but that “before” never felt so good!! Nobody can fully appreciate their strengths until they have to work so  hard to get them back. Cancer is a humbling, character building road.  A road I wish nobody had to travel, but, buried in the fear and hell of it you can make good of it. So, D, thank you for allowing me to continue to make good of it and reminding me of my comfortable place. You have no idea how much I have been needing to be reminded of that lately. You didn’t realize that by emailing me you are already making good of what you are going through. Your comfortable place is waiting for you to show up, just like mine was, and that pull-up will come! :-)  Good luck, thank you for reaching out to me and please keep in touch!

{my happiness project}

My girlfriend showed me this new book she is reading called "The Happiness Project".  She and I are always working on that perfect balance of being mom and wife and somehow finding a slice in there for ourselves.  I'm not going to lie, there are days where I am flat out unhappy.  I'm not happy with how I am doing personally, I am not happy with how parenting is going, I am not happy with my kids, I'm not happy with the condition of our house, I'm not happy with the never ending pile of laundry and dishes, etc.  Some days come and go and I am just not happy.  I don't like it.  I'm a huge fan of peace in my soul.  I feel it deep down inside of me, my soul.  It radiates out and brings peace to me.  I don't like not being happy.  It is draining, it is sad, it sucks the life out of you, it isn't healthy.  I haven't read this book YET, but I plan to when I finish the book I am currently reading (see below, part of my plan for the year).  I have only read the front and back covers.  The front cover spoke to my soul.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT...

Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to

Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets,

Fight Right, Read Aristotle, 

and Generally Have More Fun

I read the front cover and I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to start my own happiness project. I needed to change part of me this year.  2014.   Only I know what I need to be ultimately happy, a peaceful soul.  If I have a peaceful soul I am happy.  I need to sit down and start a journal.  I'm not much for writing in a journal (that's why I type on a blog), it will be more of a place to write my lists and ideas for my Happiness Project. A place to check in on myself and make sure I am following my plan.  I have an ongoing list of things I believe will bring peace to my soul.  I continue to have things come to my my mind and think, "Oh, yeah!  That is going to bring peace and joy to my life!  It's going to be like Christmas year round with all the peace and joy.

So here are some of my "surround myself with happiness" items that I am going to make a solid constant in my life.

Self-Improvement: Self Help books.  This is going to be my year of self help books. When I think "self-help books" I usually think relationship fixer-uppers, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.  I have Paleo books I want to read, organizing books, sex books (shhhhhhhh!!), parenting books, decorating books, college prep books for my daughter, etc.  There is a wealth of knowledge and ideas out there just waiting to sink into my brain.  School: Go back to school.  EEEEEK!  Scary and exciting all at the same time.   I've decided on accounting, going back to where I started and ended a very long time ago and as geeky as this sounds I am so excited. My plan is to gain some bookkeeping and payroll clients and work from home.  Flexibility around my family is key so we'll see how things go over the next two years.

Music: Turn music on every morning that makes me close my eyes and breathe.  Build my iTunes radio stations to make me inhale and exhale. Okay, sometimes feeling like a rock star is good for your soul, as well.  So I'll listen to Metallica, Five Finger Death Punch, and In This Moment, too. :-) And let's not forget that when music is playing that makes you sing like you have 20,000 fans screaming your name you should dance.  Don't forget to dance!

Close your eyes and breathe...

 

And dance!

CUT THE DAMN CLUTTER AND ORGANIZE!: Sorry, was I shouting? This was the very first thing I thought of when embarking on my Happiness Project.  We have limited storage space in our house and too much crap we don't need.  It's time to muck and purge our home.  It's time to get creative with fun storage options.  No plastic bins and storage containers.  I hate them.  It has to be fun. My family better watch their stuff.  It is at risk for being donated, trashed or burned. 

Home Decorating and Upgrading: Paint, replace, redo, redecorate. That pretty much sums it up. I will be calling on the help and expertise of a couple friends because just as I am fashionably challenged it spills into my ability to decorate tastefully.  Thankfully I have friends that have the eye for this and they are willing to help where I fall short.

Fill Up My Closet: Since I will be purging that means there will be a little bit of room for new clothes. :) I'll be shopping for clothes that make me feel stylish and put together.  With the help of my fashionista husband and being picky about what I buy I should have a happy closet in no time! First order of the year placed yesterday!! Happiness plus S & H.

Fun Family Time:  There is no reason to go on and on about this.  Everybody can use more fun family time.  Games, meals out, ice cream, bike rides, hikes, road trips, water slide season passes, skiing, lake time, Brookies Cookies, The Great Hamburger Search Summer 2014 (fries are rated and scored, too!)

Dates with my Hubby: One of my favorite things ever! Wednesdays and Saturdays are usually our date nights.  Wednesdays are for an appetizer and drinks and Saturdays are for dancing, movies, shopping, etc.  Sometimes Saturdays are family nights at friends houses, but more nights for US are mandatory for peace in my soul.

Hit the Trails: Last year after owning my pretty aqua colored mountain bike with sketched butterflies on it I finally took it out on a trail for a test ride.  OMG.  The heaven's opened up, a ray of sunshine shone down and angel's sang. Okay, none of that really happened, but I'll be damned if that isn't how I felt while out on the trail.  I hollered back at Tony at one point of the ride and asked him if he was enjoying it.  He said yes and then asked me, I yelled, "I LOVE IT!"  So began my obsession with my 10-year old mountain bike.  I say she is retro, but she gets me from point A to point B. I'm not your "balls to the wall" type of mountain biker.  I go balls to the wall at the gym all week.  My bike time is my time for peace and quiet and a little endurance.  I like rolling hills, maybe a bit of a steady uphill from time to time, but the rolling hills keep me going fast-ish and breathing hard.  That is what brings the sweet sound of angels singing to my soul.  I'm going to ride bike as much as possible this year and dream of the day I get new, lighter, flashier wheels to take me for a ride.  

I'm sure I will be adding to this list as the year goes on.  I already have a few other things in mind, but honestly I'm too lazy to type them up. :) So what brings peace to your soul?  Do you have things you want to enjoy this year to bring happiness to your life?  Happiness in your life spills out to those around you and all aspects of your life.  I'm looking so forward to 2014! How about you?

{who knew}

I'm trying to give my blog some new life.  I am trying to commit time to it, make it something that people want to continue reading, make it something I am dying to sit down work on.  I'm cleaning it up, adding to it and trying not to be so damn blog illiterate.  I know there must be a lot of fun things I can add to it and make it a place people want to be.  While doing all this to make my blog "the place to be" I am going back through and cleaning up posts that I typed up, but never posted, deleting partially worked on masterpieces, etc.  While doing this I came across a complete blog entry that I never posted and I wondered why?  I like it.  Maybe I was to busy to remember to post it. Maybe I didn't like it at the time.  I don't know, but I am going to post it now.  This goes back to almost a year ago, but I am still posting it because when I read it I was taken right back to that day and I remember all of this vividly.  So read and enjoy and got back to "me" almost a year ago.

May 2011
This is kind of a random post, but it is one of those random posts that prompted me to start this blog. Real experiences. Personal experiences with breast cancer. Not the medical, factual, clinical stuff you can get from your doctor. The personal experience stuff that your girlfriend would tell you. Kind of a "Girlfriend's Guide to Breast Cancer: Stuff Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You". So this is one of those posts. Random, but stuff that I have experienced and that rattles through my head. As always, remember, it's breast cancer, boobs are usually front and center. ;-)

Many people equated my reconstruction with "Woo-Hoo! New boobs!" Ummm, not quite. Well, at least for me, unfortunately, it didn't quite work that way. Very early on in my meetings with my plastic surgeon she told me my experience isn't like somebody coming in to have a breast augmentation. They are choosing to have implants. They want their new body. I didn't have a choice.  Well, I had a choice when I chose reconstruction, but losing my breasts was not a choice. She told me, "You aren't going to love them. You don't want the change in your body. But, I am going to make them as beautiful as possible." And, you know what? I didn't love them. I REALLY, REALLY disliked them for a long time. I would look at them and they looked so unnatural on my body. I have never had much in the "boob" department and for a long time they didn't look anything close to "natural". They were very huge and swollen all the way up to my collar bones. I felt like I had to stand on my tip toes to see out over my boobs. Pre-mastectomy, I had some great cheater bras that provided great false advertising, but at the end of the day when I would get undressed I was greeted with MY body. My body that I have always had. My body that I knew. Now, a new body was looking back at me, a strange, misshapen body.

So, as you can imagine during this process I went through a crazy roller coaster of emotions getting used to my body. At one point I would break down crying every time I saw them in the mirror or had to tend to my incisions. I went through a time of just avoiding looking at them in the mirror. But, then I would have sweet, wonderful moments of "You know what? It is what it is. I will get used to them. They will be okay." These provided a wonderful release of heaviness on my heart. Then I would stumble backwards and loose some ground, but slowly I made it to where I am right now. Where I am now is a lovely, lovely place to be. Dare I say the other side? A point where I can't stumble back far enough to lose ground. I think so. I think I can actually say I am kind of enjoying my new body and digging my new curves. Add Monday's surgery to the mix and I have new tummy curves to add to that. Even all swollen from surgery, bruised all over and not really being able to see anything "pretty" I can totally see that things are coming together so well. I just told a friend I think I am just so happy to be at a point where I just get to heal and truly move forward. No future surgeries or procedures looming in my future. Just heal and get strong.

So with my new body comes some fun stuff, especially moving into summer. New bra wardrobe, new swimsuits, new summer tops. But, not all is what I thought it would be. This is where I have found myself thinking, "Who knew?" Some of the things I thought were going to be very fun aren't as much fun as I thought. Some things are more fun than I expected and some things I just didn't expect. Who knew?

Unless somebody warned you before you went shopping for new bras who knew push up bras are no longer an option with implants? At least implants with a reconstruction. I have no idea how that works with an augmentation. Those babies don't push up. They stay in one place and that push up bra pushes down and just doesn't work. Who knew it is hard to find a selection of bras without push up in them? Who knew I would have to find bras that are shaped exactly like my boobs because their shape doesn't alter at all to fill in bra cups because I no longer have breast tissue, only pec muscle and implants? Who knew that I can now wear fun lace-only, "non-functional" bras because I don't need any support at all in a bra. My girls aren't going anywhere. Who knew I would be totally horrified and in awe at the same time when I tried on a bikini? That is going to take some getting used to and I need to find some bikini tops with a little more coverage if that is possible. Not to comfortable being THAT out there. Who knew I would toss some of my summer tops in the donate pile because I just feel totally obscene in them? Who knew I would discover that I lived in a strapless bra all summer in my summer tops and now realize I am having a hard time finding a strapless bra that works with my new body to wear and enjoy my summer tops? Who knew I would find that I am more comfortable in slim fitting shirts because tops that hang loose off my new body make me feel dumpy and frumpy? Who knew that I would find so many ways that my new body is affecting different clothing choices and that some I am liking and some I am not. Who knew? I am finding that this whole process is a long list of "Who knew?"

When looking for some info on bras and reconstruction I Googled "reconstruction implants bras". I mostly found a lot of breast cancer forums with women asking questions and giving advise based on their personal experiences. While reading through many of these forums I found that I am very thankful for my plastic surgeon, her skill and my experience with my reconstruction. My doctor doesn't like to use tissue expanders to make room for implants. She feels they are old school and in her experience she has found she can bypass the awful experience of the expanders (she just doesn't like them) and go straight to the implants. So many experiences that women posted were reconstruction results they weren't really pleased with going from a tissue expander to an implant. I have no idea if this is how it is in general, but it makes me so thankful that my doctor does reconstructions the way she does, how my reconstruction results turned out and the direction I am going. I'm happy to be where I am now and far more aware of the possibilities of the "who knew" moments so as not to be totally shocked or surprised by anything. Thank goodness for this place that I have come to be right in this moment.

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou

{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{soul under construction}

What are you going to do for your soul in 2011?  Here we are already closing in on the end of January already.  Did you make New Year's Resolutions?  I don't like to make New Year's resolutions.  Strike that, I did publicly resolve to quit giving up lattes.  So far so good! :)  For the most part I think if you are going to make changes or set goals for yourself you shouldn't wait until January 1st to do it.  Today is a good day to do that.   So I didn't make any resolutions for the year.  Instead I'm making a list of things I'm going to do for my soul.

• Take care of the never-ending mass of pictures that are stacking up in my computer.  Print them and put them in albums.  Put pictures in frames that have been sitting in my closet unused.  Put together the big collage of family pics that I have been wanting to do along my stairs.


• Take care of things at home.  Sew with Abigail more.  Teach Kenna to sew on her new sewing machine.  Bake with Kenna.  Sort through the clutter piles that weigh on me that have stacked up over the past couple busy years. Try more new Paleo recipes.  Cook more.  Read more to the kids. Play more games. Etc.


• Be creative.  Take fewer orders and sew more for myself.  Try new things.  Use patterns, pattern books and fabric that I have been itching to use, but haven't had the time.  Start a "green" line of bags.  Sew gifts for friends.  Sew items to donate. Do more feel good sewing. Make one Christmas gift per month. Start a sewing bee day with like-minded sewing friends.


• Be patient with myself with my recovery and my slow climb back in the gym.  Beat my "Fran" time somewhere on the other side. New deadlift PR.  Figure out that 2nd pull on the clean and snatch.  Find a jump rope that will make me a double under ninja and get a PR on "Annie".


• Take a trip to Denver to visit one of my best friends.  Take a weekend trip or two to my "beach" within driving distance, Wallace, ID.  I know!  Wallace?? I got so many, "You're going where?" comments when I went for a weekend. I love that little town and I was very pleased to see that it made Budget Travel magazine's "2009 Coolest Small Towns". :) I'm not the only one!  I should blog my Wallace weekend sometime...hmmmm......


• Get a another tattoo. :D


• Take up hot yoga again.


• More dates with my husband.  In home dates, walking dates, shopping dates, coffee dates, hiking dates, overnight dates, driving dates, quiet dates, funny dates, just dates...

So there you have it.  I've put my soul under construction and here are the things I'm going to do for my new and improved soul.  All feel good things and "feel good" is good for the soul.  What are you going to do for your soul?  Make your own list and put it someplace where you will always see it and be reminded of the work you want to do on your soul.  Do something "feel good" for your soul!!

{it's hard work}

I've decided trying to be stong and positive is hard work.  I am finding that I am weary all the time and feel heavy.  I'm tired and just want to sleep in every morning.  I don't want to stay in bed all day, but I want to delay the start of my days.  I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I went because I knew I had to.  I need to keep my body strong to speed up my recovery.  So to the gym I went.  We were loading up our bars for some heavy deadlifts when Coach gave out a shout, "now we are going to load up some weight!"  I instantly thought, what if you are already carrying a bunch of weight.  Right smack, dab on your shoulders.  My workouts have gotten so slow, I've added minutes to my time on short workouts. I feel like I can't move, like my limbs weigh a ton.  I can't catch my breath (more than usual), like a panic type "can't catch my breath".  I feel like I am trying to move through deep mud.  I broke down crying in the middle of a set of deadlifts today (more on that later) and not sure I would have picked it back up had Coach not walked over to push me to keep going.  I finished my set with tears streaming down my face. 

When I first found the lumps in my breast I could go to the gym and get away from my worries for at least one hour in the day.  Because during a CrossFit workout it is pretty near impossible to think about anything else except getting done with the workout.  Our workouts don't give me that one hour of reprieve from my head anymore.  It's always there, I always feel it.  A friend asked me today if I can ever forget about it during my day.  I can't.  I try quite often not to dwell on it, but it is always there. 

So I will keep doing my best to be strong and positive, but mind you it is hard work.  But, I am used to working hard and pulling a lot of weight when it seems like I can't pull anymore.  I can't promise I will do it without those damn tears, but I will keep pulling that weight even when more plates are thrown on.  Like Coach's sound words of encouragement today after I noted that the weight was heavy today after pulling a couple warmup reps.  Without missing a beat he said, "For somebody else it is!"  So I guess the weight isn't more than I can handle. I just have to load up, set my back and pull.  Somehow you can always stand up with more weight than you ever thought you could.  So, cancer, throw as many plates on as you want.  I can still stand up with it!

{an "ah ha" moment}

I want to write about this right away while conversations are fresh in my head so I am sitting down to frantically type to get it all out. Today I had a 90 minute massage with a massage therapist/friend from Crossfit.  I've been going to him since about August for a nagging injury from way back in May.  When he got started with the days torture he said, "Well, Trina, I heard about your news.  How are you doing?"  So, during my massage I told him about what was going on, where we are headed, etc.  It was great conversation as he asked great questions, great thought provoking questions. Questions like, "What is the biggest burden for you with all of this?" and "Have you had any great fears?"  We had talked a little bit about a mutual friend that went to our church so church was briefly mentioned and after a bit of a silence and some brutal deep tissue massage he asked, "What are your feelings about God in this?"  Oh boy, where to begin and how do I put my feelings about this into words. 

First, I want to say that I RARELY have conversations regarding church, religion, God, etc.  I don't feel like I can ever put into the right words my feelings about it.  I don't feel educated enough to have a good conversation about it to support my views.  And all too often when it comes to religion people are narrow minded, judgemental and don't respect your opinion if it doesn't match theirs.  It can become heated and confrontational and conversations like this stress me out.  I also don't like people preaching to me.  I found today that people can talk to you at length about God and not be preachy.  It hasn't been very often that I have encountered this.  

Secondly,  how about a little background on my feelings about church, religion, the bible, etc. Now remember, these are my feelings and opinions and I have a right to mine.  If you disagree it doesn't mean I am wrong and you are right, it doesn't mean that I am right or you are wrong.  It means that I have a different opinion than you and my opinion should be respected as I would respect yours.  That being said . . . about a year and half ago Tony and I made the decision to not attend church for awhile.  It didn't feel good, we weren't getting anything out of it and it felt like all we ever did was go through the motions, like were going to church because that is what we were supposed to do.  I didn't like the feeling that to be a Christian you had to go to church every Sunday.  I've also never been too sure about the Bible.  I've always been uncomfortable with people taking the Bible literally.  I have a hard time believing that something written so long ago can be applied literally to today.  Have you ever read this article from a 1950's home ec text preparing women to be a good wife?  These words from even 50 years ago don't pertain to today.  I think over the course of my life I have questioned religion more than not.  I have always found having faith in something I can't see or touch a hard concept.  BUT, I have always been envious of my friends and family that have a deep faith in God and find comfort in it.  I always wished that I had that kind of faith.  A Faith in a loving, higher power.  Faith in the word of God.  Faith in their understanding of their faith.  I don't want anybody to think I don't believe, I do, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to me.  Part of me questions it and probably has many questions, but I don't know how to address them and still find discomfort in this faith.  Why?  I can't say for sure.  Maybe it is just not having the understanding.

So, this is pretty much how I answered my friend's questions.  A laundry list of my uncertainties, but still a desire to someday find and understand this faith that many of my friends have.  We ended up having a long conversation about this or rather he talked and explained many things to me that made some things make sense to me or how I wished to understand.  Maybe it was a comfortable understanding for me.  I didn't feel preached to or judged like I have many times.  One thing that he said that is sticking with me is that religion isn't what being a Christian is about, it is your relationship with Jesus and it has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday.  This isn't required to have a relationship with Jesus.  I liked this. 

So that was a lot of our conversation.  I usually don't enjoy conversations regarding God, the Bible, religion, etc., but I enjoyed this conversation today and I told him this.  I told him how I have never been one to like people throwing scripture and various Bible verses at me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the many Bible verses shared with me by my friends after learning of my diagnosis.  I have been saving them to a word document and I have been rereading them and I've been amazed how various ones speak to certain events in the past two weeks.  I have been feeling and greatly appreciating the pouring out of prayer and love for me and my family.  I have been in awe of the faithfulness of those around me and I love it.  I have been admiring it and finding such comfort in it.  Even if it isn't my faith or me finding that faith I can feel it and I can maybe understand it a little bit.  In my conversation with my friend I told him that I feel like my mind and heart have maybe opened to some understanding and an "ah ha" moment. 

I've thought about this a lot in the past couple weeks, probably like many people who are diagnosed with something like this, "why me?"  I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".  I kind of think part of the reason I got breast cancer is to maybe start to understand this and to maybe to understand what it means to have faith in a higher power.  I'm not going to start raising my arms to heaven and preaching and screaming the praises of the Lord, but I think maybe I am seeing a little bit what this faith is like.

When we got the diagnosis somebody said, "I don't know why, but God didn't answer our prayers".  As soon as I read this I thought, "I don't think this is true", but I wasn't sure exactly how to explain this thought.  But, now I've thought about this a lot and shared it with people.  I think God did answer our prayers, but it wasn't in a way we were expecting.  A friend told me of a Bible verse, and forgive me I don't remember exactly how it went, but it told of how God sees our "big picture" where we only see our "now".  So we may have been praying for an answer for our "now", but God has seen my big picture and started preparing me for this a long time ago.  One, nearly twenty years ago I met a guy sitting in his dorm room, playing video games the day before freshman orientation at Jamestown College in Jamestown, North Dakota.   This guy is my now wonderful husband of 17 1/2 years.  My number one supporter and strength.  Nobody loves me like he does or will carry my burdens when I feel like I can't. Seriously, no loving God would send you to North Dakota if there wasn't a good reason. ; )  Two, I have thought about my move here ten years ago.  We have amazing friends in Nevada, but not near as many and not in so many amazing circles as we do here.  The friends I have made here are some of the most amazing people I know and the outpouring of love, support and prayer from them has been staggering.  I KNEW how amazing each of these people were, but I have been truly humbled by their love. God knew I was going to need ALL of these people surrounding me and my family.  Three, I mentioned this in an earlier post, but something led me to  CrossFit Flathead nearly two years ago.  Working out and nutrition have been a big part of my life for over 19 years, but nothing has compared to what I have learned and how strong my body has become in the past two years.  I feel I found CrossFit to prepare my body and mind for fighting my fight with breast cancer and getting to the "all is fine" point on the other side of the upcoming bumps.  Also, to bring me into a caring, loving and supportive community of people that lift me up daily.  Finally, I will be the first to admit I am (or was) horrible about doing my self breast exams like every woman should do every month (Do you hear me ladies!!!  We've all heard it and it is so important.  Early detection is key!  Please for yourself and your family make this top priority in your health).  I had my yearly exam with my obgyn in May and had a breast exam then.  I hadn't done once since, but a month ago something prompted me to do one and that is when I discovered what I thought was maybe three lumps in my breast.  I think all of these and so many other things in my life even before all of these that I mentioned were all God's doing.  Leading me in certain directions in my life and all the while I thought it was just me.   I think we make choices in our lives so I'm not ready to say God is totally in control, but I believe something leads us to choices and we make a decision from there.  But, even in those choices we are probably helped along with a little nudge from God and unfortunately sometimes a little nudge from the devil.

So though I'm still figuring things out and it may be a long time before I figure things out I can at least see how faith can work in my life and it certainly gives me something to think about and obviously something to blog about. :)

"Faith, not fear."

{going against the grain}

While doing a little search on the good 'ole Google machine today I was surprised to see that research has shown that the average person gains only about one pound during the holidays.  This is contrary to popular belief that a person will gain 5-10 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  One pound is far better than 5-10, but really no weight gain is even better.  One pound isn't much, but this becomes a problem when this pound is never taken off and these "one pound" holidays start to add up.

I workout very consistently and hard and I try to eat well at least 80% of the time.  But, I am going to confess that I have had a bad food attitude as of late and I haven't been eating all that well.  (Damn those Boy Scouts and their Chocolate Covered Caramel Corn!)  So, in true Trina form, this holiday season I am going to go against the grain of holiday weight gain and lose a couple of pounds before the New Year.  I know I am going to get some of the same remarks I always get when I say I want to lose a couple of pounds, "You don't need to lose weight!"  I do when the weight is body fat and not muscle and I know where I want my body fat percentage to lie.  I consider myself a CrossFit athlete like everybody else in our gym.  I want my body fat to represent the athlete I strive to be in the gym.  Body fat percentage for an athlete is 14-20%.  I am on the high-end of this, possibly one percentage off.  It isn't about losing weight because I think I am overweight, it is about losing body fat that is keeping me from performing at my best in the gym and it is losing body fat as a result of eating food that is healthy and good for my body.  I am the only one that can take care of my body and make sure it lives a long life free of disease.   This doesn't mean I probably won't enjoy some holiday treats, because a healthy lifestyle is about enjoying life, as well.  I strive for about an 80% Paleo/Zone diet.  I'm working on eliminating dairy, but that has been a struggle as it is perfect latte season with Winter descending upon Montana.  So that will have to remain part of the 20% of my diet.

So tomorrow I "go against the grain" and will work hard to go against what the general population does.  I will lose while they gain and in being a loser I will win! :-)

Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar. Keep intake to levels that will support exercise but not body fat. Practice and train major lifts: Deadlift, clean, squat, presses, C&J, and snatch. Similarly, master the basics of gymnastics: pull-ups, dips, rope climb, push-ups, sit-ups, presses to handstand, pirouettes, flips, splits, and holds. Bike, run, swim, row, etc, hard and fast. Five or six days per week mix these elements in as many combinations and patterns as creativity will allow. Routine is the enemy. Keep workouts short and intense. Regularly learn and play new sports.
~Greg Glassman

{chaotic soul}

So yesterday I was setting up this blog  and I was choosing a fun background.  I was looking for something that was green and brown.  Not just any green, but peridot green.  August's birthstone, my mom's birthstone.  That is irrelevent to this post, but now maybe you have learned something new for the day. So back to my background.  I didn't find green and brown, but I found one that seemed soothing and calming to me.  It is subtle and has a little beauty to it.  So I went with soothing and calming, but my mind has been stuck on another one that I looked at.  I didn't care for the background, but the title has been rattling around upstairs and is opposite of what I chose.  "Chaotic Soul".   "Chaotic Soul".  That struck a chord in me.  I had a chaotic soul not long ago.  Too overwhelmed, missing something, tired, busy, overscheduled, dare I say "lost", needing something, lonely.  That's tough for a mom.  Not sure where you belong. Not just wanting to be "mom".  Wanting something of your own.  Living with a chaotic soul can be draining.  But, if you have a "chaotic soul" you just might be lucky enough to stumble upon something that starts to fill you up.  I found a friend, encouragement, rediscovered my husband, found another friend who is true to me, tried something new, went back to something old, found a community, got reaquainted with my creativity, made a new friend . . . I could go on.  I think (okay, I know) I still have some chaos going on in my soul, but it doesn't seem heavy anymore.  Chaos makes you hang on tighter and fight harder.  It makes you pay more attention to what you need and what you don't need.   It makes you learn to survive with what you have lost.  It makes you learn to say no and take your own advise.  You learn to shake your head at the chaos and say, "no thank you, not today".  Sometimes it makes you walk down the hall, crawl under the covers and cry.  But you know what?  Sometimes a good cry is okay and what you are really doing is crying some of that chaos out.  So embrace your chaos and wake up to tomorrow.  Don't let it drag you down.  Welcome the good chaos and just say "no thank you" to the bad.