It’s been a long time since I have written a blog post having to do with breast cancer stuff, but I was reminded the other day that every now and then I should continue on with the reason I really started this blog. A little reminder of that reason for my followers or simply to let you know if you are reading this for the first time.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over three years ago I got online to see if I could find something, anything about a CrossFitter that had breast cancer, cancer similar to mine, about the same stage, looking at the same treatment options and looking at slowly getting back to their “before” in the gym. I knew I could wade through treatment options, surgeries, etc., but I had no idea how to go about getting back to, or close to where I had been, in the gym. I also wanted to find a blog written by somebody that didn’t sugar coat anything, kind of a “Girlfriend’s Guide to Breast Cancer”. I didn’t want to read all the statistics, all the medical mumbo-jumbo, long lists of motivational quotes, etc. I wanted to read the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to hear the real stuff...the tears, the break throughs, the break-downs, the pissed off days, the joyful days, etc. I couldn’t find anything that really caught my eye or reached to me like I had hoped. So I decided to start my own blog and fill it full of the nit and grit that I tried to find to help me through, give me a real look at what I might experience, and see that somebody else was struggling with or celebrating what I was.
Since posting my first breast cancer related post on December 25, 2010, I have received many comments from many friends and family, some strangers, and several emails from fellow CrossFitters that were or are facing the same or similar things that I had. Over three years after that first post I received yet another email the other night. My initial reaction is always the same when I first read these emails. Sadness. I always tear up and am saddened that another woman’s life is being directly touched, totally changed by cancer. I still distinctly remember the fear, the frustration, the sadness, the disbelief, etc. I hate the thought of people feeling those things. This gal wrote something in her email that stuck with me, “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...it’s good to read that you can get there.” “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...” All I could think when I read that is “Isn’t that the god’s honest truth?!” I remember doing that day after day after day. Days that felt like they would never end. Weeks and months down the road that seemed a lifetime away. Getting used to my new body, getting used to the idea that my boobs were never going to look “real” again, fighting to be patient everyday in the gym, trusting that a full recovery was going to happen, reminding myself daily that the most important thing in my life was that I was cancer free and things could have been worse...finding that comfortable place was not always an easy road. “...It’s good to read that you can get there”, and then there came a day that I got there and not surprising that it started in the gym with a 95# clean and jerk! (Well, okay, I mostly got there. I still have some days that I’m not happy with my ladies, they are kind of a work in process...more to come on that!) Wow, that comfortable place did exist!
Comfortable Place, next left.
Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy to find with a huge sign boldly giving directions and somedays I wasn't sure it existed. The journey there was more like a series of U-turns, dead ends, merge lefts, merge rights, one-way streets and speed bumps. But, none-the-less, there it was...just waiting for me to show up. MY comfortable place, MY place that I could move forward in, MY place that most people could never understand just how much that place needed to be found.
I have always said the only good thing about getting cancer is you may be given the opportunity to help somebody that may be going through the same thing. Being able to connect with somebody that knows exactly how you are feeling or what you are going through provides a sense of comfort and hope that nobody else can give you. A friend said to me, “To give others hope...real hope based on reality and not smoke and mirrors is one of the most awesome gifts one can give another...a gift that gives to both.” It’s true, it’s a gift to be given hope through the truth and it is a gift being able to give somebody even a tiny bit of hope when they are looking ahead and have no idea if they can get back to where they were before. Hope can give you strength and patience you didn’t realize you had or strength and patience that you desperately need.
To D, yes, you will do a pull-up again! And if you are like me, the first one will be scary and then you will drop off the bar and cry because at one point doing a pull-up again seemed like an impossible task. But, that first pull up quickly became a string of pull-ups and then before I knew it I was doing “Fran” just like everybody else. (I’m still not sure if that is a good or bad thing!) It’s a slow road getting back to your “before”, but that “before” never felt so good!! Nobody can fully appreciate their strengths until they have to work so hard to get them back. Cancer is a humbling, character building road. A road I wish nobody had to travel, but, buried in the fear and hell of it you can make good of it. So, D, thank you for allowing me to continue to make good of it and reminding me of my comfortable place. You have no idea how much I have been needing to be reminded of that lately. You didn’t realize that by emailing me you are already making good of what you are going through. Your comfortable place is waiting for you to show up, just like mine was, and that pull-up will come! :-) Good luck, thank you for reaching out to me and please keep in touch!
