{an "ah ha" moment}

I want to write about this right away while conversations are fresh in my head so I am sitting down to frantically type to get it all out. Today I had a 90 minute massage with a massage therapist/friend from Crossfit.  I've been going to him since about August for a nagging injury from way back in May.  When he got started with the days torture he said, "Well, Trina, I heard about your news.  How are you doing?"  So, during my massage I told him about what was going on, where we are headed, etc.  It was great conversation as he asked great questions, great thought provoking questions. Questions like, "What is the biggest burden for you with all of this?" and "Have you had any great fears?"  We had talked a little bit about a mutual friend that went to our church so church was briefly mentioned and after a bit of a silence and some brutal deep tissue massage he asked, "What are your feelings about God in this?"  Oh boy, where to begin and how do I put my feelings about this into words. 

First, I want to say that I RARELY have conversations regarding church, religion, God, etc.  I don't feel like I can ever put into the right words my feelings about it.  I don't feel educated enough to have a good conversation about it to support my views.  And all too often when it comes to religion people are narrow minded, judgemental and don't respect your opinion if it doesn't match theirs.  It can become heated and confrontational and conversations like this stress me out.  I also don't like people preaching to me.  I found today that people can talk to you at length about God and not be preachy.  It hasn't been very often that I have encountered this.  

Secondly,  how about a little background on my feelings about church, religion, the bible, etc. Now remember, these are my feelings and opinions and I have a right to mine.  If you disagree it doesn't mean I am wrong and you are right, it doesn't mean that I am right or you are wrong.  It means that I have a different opinion than you and my opinion should be respected as I would respect yours.  That being said . . . about a year and half ago Tony and I made the decision to not attend church for awhile.  It didn't feel good, we weren't getting anything out of it and it felt like all we ever did was go through the motions, like were going to church because that is what we were supposed to do.  I didn't like the feeling that to be a Christian you had to go to church every Sunday.  I've also never been too sure about the Bible.  I've always been uncomfortable with people taking the Bible literally.  I have a hard time believing that something written so long ago can be applied literally to today.  Have you ever read this article from a 1950's home ec text preparing women to be a good wife?  These words from even 50 years ago don't pertain to today.  I think over the course of my life I have questioned religion more than not.  I have always found having faith in something I can't see or touch a hard concept.  BUT, I have always been envious of my friends and family that have a deep faith in God and find comfort in it.  I always wished that I had that kind of faith.  A Faith in a loving, higher power.  Faith in the word of God.  Faith in their understanding of their faith.  I don't want anybody to think I don't believe, I do, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to me.  Part of me questions it and probably has many questions, but I don't know how to address them and still find discomfort in this faith.  Why?  I can't say for sure.  Maybe it is just not having the understanding.

So, this is pretty much how I answered my friend's questions.  A laundry list of my uncertainties, but still a desire to someday find and understand this faith that many of my friends have.  We ended up having a long conversation about this or rather he talked and explained many things to me that made some things make sense to me or how I wished to understand.  Maybe it was a comfortable understanding for me.  I didn't feel preached to or judged like I have many times.  One thing that he said that is sticking with me is that religion isn't what being a Christian is about, it is your relationship with Jesus and it has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday.  This isn't required to have a relationship with Jesus.  I liked this. 

So that was a lot of our conversation.  I usually don't enjoy conversations regarding God, the Bible, religion, etc., but I enjoyed this conversation today and I told him this.  I told him how I have never been one to like people throwing scripture and various Bible verses at me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the many Bible verses shared with me by my friends after learning of my diagnosis.  I have been saving them to a word document and I have been rereading them and I've been amazed how various ones speak to certain events in the past two weeks.  I have been feeling and greatly appreciating the pouring out of prayer and love for me and my family.  I have been in awe of the faithfulness of those around me and I love it.  I have been admiring it and finding such comfort in it.  Even if it isn't my faith or me finding that faith I can feel it and I can maybe understand it a little bit.  In my conversation with my friend I told him that I feel like my mind and heart have maybe opened to some understanding and an "ah ha" moment. 

I've thought about this a lot in the past couple weeks, probably like many people who are diagnosed with something like this, "why me?"  I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".  I kind of think part of the reason I got breast cancer is to maybe start to understand this and to maybe to understand what it means to have faith in a higher power.  I'm not going to start raising my arms to heaven and preaching and screaming the praises of the Lord, but I think maybe I am seeing a little bit what this faith is like.

When we got the diagnosis somebody said, "I don't know why, but God didn't answer our prayers".  As soon as I read this I thought, "I don't think this is true", but I wasn't sure exactly how to explain this thought.  But, now I've thought about this a lot and shared it with people.  I think God did answer our prayers, but it wasn't in a way we were expecting.  A friend told me of a Bible verse, and forgive me I don't remember exactly how it went, but it told of how God sees our "big picture" where we only see our "now".  So we may have been praying for an answer for our "now", but God has seen my big picture and started preparing me for this a long time ago.  One, nearly twenty years ago I met a guy sitting in his dorm room, playing video games the day before freshman orientation at Jamestown College in Jamestown, North Dakota.   This guy is my now wonderful husband of 17 1/2 years.  My number one supporter and strength.  Nobody loves me like he does or will carry my burdens when I feel like I can't. Seriously, no loving God would send you to North Dakota if there wasn't a good reason. ; )  Two, I have thought about my move here ten years ago.  We have amazing friends in Nevada, but not near as many and not in so many amazing circles as we do here.  The friends I have made here are some of the most amazing people I know and the outpouring of love, support and prayer from them has been staggering.  I KNEW how amazing each of these people were, but I have been truly humbled by their love. God knew I was going to need ALL of these people surrounding me and my family.  Three, I mentioned this in an earlier post, but something led me to  CrossFit Flathead nearly two years ago.  Working out and nutrition have been a big part of my life for over 19 years, but nothing has compared to what I have learned and how strong my body has become in the past two years.  I feel I found CrossFit to prepare my body and mind for fighting my fight with breast cancer and getting to the "all is fine" point on the other side of the upcoming bumps.  Also, to bring me into a caring, loving and supportive community of people that lift me up daily.  Finally, I will be the first to admit I am (or was) horrible about doing my self breast exams like every woman should do every month (Do you hear me ladies!!!  We've all heard it and it is so important.  Early detection is key!  Please for yourself and your family make this top priority in your health).  I had my yearly exam with my obgyn in May and had a breast exam then.  I hadn't done once since, but a month ago something prompted me to do one and that is when I discovered what I thought was maybe three lumps in my breast.  I think all of these and so many other things in my life even before all of these that I mentioned were all God's doing.  Leading me in certain directions in my life and all the while I thought it was just me.   I think we make choices in our lives so I'm not ready to say God is totally in control, but I believe something leads us to choices and we make a decision from there.  But, even in those choices we are probably helped along with a little nudge from God and unfortunately sometimes a little nudge from the devil.

So though I'm still figuring things out and it may be a long time before I figure things out I can at least see how faith can work in my life and it certainly gives me something to think about and obviously something to blog about. :)

"Faith, not fear."

{the tough conversations}

On my first post regarding my breast cancer diagnosis I said one of the worst things was that my sisters and girls are now high risk.  I now have a single worst thing with this little speed bump in our lives.  Telling our children. 

We have two girls, K, nearly eight and, A, 11 1/2, and a five-year-old boy, T.  We decided to tell our oldest first.  We knew we could tell her a little more and she is our most dramatic and we were afraid she would really get upset and wanted to be able to talk to her.  Yes, she was really upset, as we fully expected she would be.  I cried, Tony teared up and we comforted her.  She is scared and wants to stay with me at the hospital when I have surgery.  After we told her we had our two youngest come in our room and crawl up on the bed with us and we told them.  I didn't know my heart could hurt more after telling A.  K is very tender-hearted, loving and sensitive.  She was kind of flipping through a book as we told them and you could see the sadness come over her face, but she was trying to hold it in.  I asked her to come up and see me.  I put my arms around her and she laid her head on my lap and started to cry.  I stroked her hair and told her everything was going to be okay.  She kept crying and I asked her, "What about this makes you sad?" and she said, "I don't want you to have surgery" and she started crying a little harder.  All we could do was continue to comfort her and tell her that I had a really good doctor that would get rid of it.  During this time Tyler was curled up with Tony and then he slipped off the bed and disappeared.  Shortly after he returned with Kenna's favorite fuzzy blanket and handed it to her.  A little while later he made another trip upstairs to get A her favorite blanket and to fetch his. What a sweet little boy.  I asked T the same question I asked K, "What about this makes you sad?"  He said, "I don't want you to leave." Ugh.  We reassured him that I wasn't leaving.  I might just be in the hospital for a night or two.  Abigail came back in the room a little later and curled up with all of us on our bed and we just laid together on the bed, cuddling in silence and being a little sad, though knowing everything would be all right.  I told them that, "Everything is going to be okay, there are just a couple of bumps getting there."

K asked me a question while she was so sad and laying with her head in my lap that will forever haunt me, "Can you die?"  I broke down crying & told her, "No.  Everybody with this kind of cancer gets better."  That's a big question for a little girl to ask her mom.  She clung to my arm & said, "I love you".  They make choosing my treatment option a little bit easier.  I don't ever want to tell them that again.  I don't ever want a reoccurrence that I can't confidently answer her question with a "No".  They are all a bit sad, but we keep hugging them and reminding them of the "good things" about it.  The doctor's can get rid of it and everybody with this cancer gets better. Sweet little, strong souls we have.

{please come back and let's do it again!}

My family is a riot!  Well, at least we think we are.  We always say we are having a great time therefore the people around us aren't. Haha!  Our afternoon out sledding ended up being one of these great times.  First of all, how can you not laugh and smile when you are sledding?  Sitting  on a piece of plastic, foamy type stuff, give yourself a push and hope for the best.  Whoosh!  I'm so happy we just got the kid's ski helmets as there were several crashes, unfortunately Tyler won the prize for the most. Only one left mom with a little bit of a heart attack that quickly went away once he moved.  Ugh!  See, how can you not have fun sledding?!  Peril, danger, laughter, tears from said laughter, etc. 

We like to go sledding at the local middle school.  There is a great hill behind it that runs into a good sized field for a long run to the bottom.  There is a also a shorter hill that sometimes has a great berm (mom finds it a hazard!) plowed up at the bottom that made for great jumps that had be be nixed after awhile because of too many wrecks.  We (I) like this hill because you can park on the street right at the top so when you (mom) gets cold you can climb into the car and turn the heater on.  When we got to the sledding hill we were the only ones there so the twelve of us had the run of the place and fun was had by all!  About an hour into our sledding afternoon we had the great idea that we should run home and grab dad's air mattress that had recently sprung a small leak.  So my brother-in-law jumped in his truck and raced home to grab our new "sled".  Whitetrash fun decended upon the sledding hill in full force.   The best part of our new sled was the sound it made as it "raced" down the hill.  It was a slow dragging noise that kind of sounded like a jet engine.  It was by NO means fast, but boy did it make you laugh and smile!  Maybe we should have greased up the bottom like Chevy Chase in "Christmas Vacation"!  Now that would have been fun and a great idea to tuck away for next year. :)

Notice the sleds, four in all, under the mattress to try to give it some speed.

This “sled” offered no speed. My brother’s screams and look of terror were solely for entertainment purposes only! :)

 We also did our fair share of racing down the hill on your standard sled.  The boys also had snowboards along that provided great wintertime entertainment and fun. 

My sisters and me laughing like crazy. This ride ended in a slow motion wreck at the bottom and tears from laughing so hard! 

Not hurt! Just being silly!

The whole family enjoying a day of sledding!  Perfect!

{my fight gone bad}

A few days ago after telling a friend that I was diagnosed with breast cancer I received a message from him on Facebook.  Let me say that I have received MANY amazing messages filled with words of encouragement and support from so many people.  I (we) greatly appreciate each and every one of them.  I can't even begin to express how much they mean to me.  I have been cutting and pasting them into a Word document so I can read and reread them as needed.  That could be daily as far as I know.

So back to this message I started to tell you about.  This friend doesn't CrossFit with us, but he has researched it quite a bit, listens to us talk about it and knows several members of our gym.  We even finally got him to come down to the gym on a Saturday morning to watch a workout and see what we do.  He may not have picked the right Saturday morning to observe, though.  "War Frank" was on the board.  Ouch!  He said he was sore for three days afterwards just from watching. :-)  So, anyhoo,  this friend sends me the following message . . .

I have been thinking of you since talking to you yesterday. I think you were called to your crossfit family for a reason. To prepare you for times like these. Without crossfit you would not be in as good of shape as you are and would not have the nutrition that you do, nor the strength and power it takes to fight something like this. In our lives we are faced with "Amandas", "Jennifers" or whatever you may call them. But at least once in our lives we are faced with a "Fight Gone Bad". This is your FGB! You have conquered it in the gym and you will conquer it in life. The best part is that you have so many around you to spot you. So, when it gets bad, remember, we are here to help you pull up your boot straps, buckle your chin strap and make sure you never drop the bar.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Joining CrossFit Flathead has changed my life in so many ways.  Personally, I am stronger, more aware of my body and more confident.  I always say our gym is 90% the people and 10% the workouts.  Our community of people is like a second family.  They care for you, worry about you, celebrate with you, laugh with you, sweat with you, feel workout pain with you and pray for you.  I think my friend is right.  CrossFit changed my life, but I think this is the reason I joined CrossFit almost two years ago.  I needed the past couple years to prepare my body for this battle, MY "Fight Gone Bad".  I needed to meet all these wonderful people to give me additional strength. . . a hug on a daily basis, a hug for my kids, a prayer for my health and even homemade chicken soup! :) 

This is the reason I found CrossFit.  To give me the mental and physical strength to make it through my personal "Fight Gone Bad"  It may be longer than 17 minutes to get through it, but in the end I will have a similar sense of relief to be done and I'll probably feel like falling on the ground and thank the good Lord to be done with the final step.  Many times I've thought of Amanda Miller.  A CrossFit athlete that was taken way to early from skin cancer.  My fight isn't going to be near the battle she had, but I hope I can do a fallen CrossFit athlete proud and fight my fight with strength, dignity and grace (thank you, Robin!).  A friend at CrossFit asked me if I would still be at the gym.  I told her I would be there everyday humanly possible even if I could only do the warm up and it took me the full hour to do it.  Sometimes walking into the gym is what soothes my soul and makes my day better. 

So with the some of the same anxiety and sick feeling in my stomach that I have when I am waiting for "Fight Gone Bad" to begin I continue to prepare for our next step.  Just like at the gym there is nothing you can do but pick away at the task at hand until you finish.  If you miss the box you stand up and keep going.  If you drop the bar you pick it up & keep going.  If you can't catch your breath you take a quick break, but you keep going.  You just dig deep & keep going!

3-2-1 GO!

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as the expectation of something better tomorrow."

{1 in 200,000}

1 in 200,000.  This is the average number of women that are diagnosed with breast cancer each year.  548 women per day.  When you think of 1 in 200,000 your odds seem kind of slim to be that one.  Really, think about being one person in a city of 200,000 people.  You alone can seem like a pretty insignificant person when you think of the whole...until you are that one.  Wednesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, DCIS, a non-invasive early stage of breast cancer that is localized in the breast ducts. Shock. Numbness. Empty. Surreal. These are all things that Tony and I felt when I got off the phone with my doctor.  My doctor's first words to me were "don't panic, it is localized and is a very early stage of cancer".  Within about two hours I got a call back from my doctor's receptionist to set up an appointment the next morning with the breast doctor at the Bass Breast Center at the hospital and then a call from a wonderful woman, Sandy, at the women's clinic where I had my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsies.  I've been telling people she is like the "mom" at the women's clinic.  She makes sure you are "ok", gives gentle consults, keeps your family informed in the waiting room, is present when you arrive at the breast center, takes you to see the MRI so you are prepared, etc.  I also found that when you are alone in the ultrasound room waiting to have your biopsies done and crying because you just found out that your husband can't be with you she comes and sits on the edge of the bed to comfort you and explain why and to apologize for not making sure we knew this before arriving.  Back to Sandy's call . . . she called to tell me, "I know all you are hearing is cancer, but it's not cancer.  They are cancer cells that are just sitting there and it is easily taken care of."  Well, people, it IS cancer and though it is considered a Stage 0 cancer and "easily taken care of" there is more to it than that.  "Easily taken care of" to me means schedule surgery, cut out the lumps, bid me a farewell at the door and thank me for coming.  Don't be fooled by Stage 0 cancer.  (We have become skeptical at any reassurance of anything by this point.  More on that later, maybe even another short blog post.)  Now let me say that I know this could have been 120% worse as people are diagnosed at far worse stages of cancer (ask my god-daughter who was 7 years old when she was diagnosed) and will have a far worse journey than I will.  But, cancer is never "easy" when you are the one that has it.

Anyhoo, back to not being fooled by this Stage 0 cancer.  Cancer is a scary thing with a mind of its own.  After being assured that it is localized, doesn't know how to travel to the lymph nodes and it isn't invasive, my doctor told me she has a gut feeling that there is a chance that there could be some invasive cancer.  So, she will test lymph nodes when I have surgery and I need an MRI to know for sure and to find out the exact location of the lumps to find out just how many there are.  AND I should have genetic testing done to determine if I have a mutated gene that leaves me at high risk for reoccuing cancer in the cancered up breast and the other one AND ovarian cancer.  Both of these tests will determine the extent of my treatment options.  These options are A) a lumpectomy, radiation and endocrine therapy (drugs I will take for the next five years to reduce the risk of reoccurance by 50%).  This option leaves me with a 5-25% of reoccurance of breast cancer.  B) a mastectomy, no radiation or drugs required afterwards.  This option leaves me with a 2-5% chance of reoccurrence and a grand set of new boobs.  I've breast-fed three babies and have the boobs to prove it and have dreams of a grand set of new boobs, but this isn't the way I imagined getting them.  I thought maybe I would embezzle from the kids college fund for mom's new knockers. ;)  Just kidding, of course! (A dear mom friend of mine told me "laughter is the best medicine" so I'm trying!)  So, though the new, perky boobs sound heavenly a mastectomy does not.  This doesn't fall into my idea of "easily taken care of".  Do you ladies out there agree or is it just me???  I was telling a wonderful male in my life about my appointment and that the mastectomy sounded like it could be a real  possibility and he said, "that's no big deal."  I understand his logic that a mastectomy is a little sacrifice if it is getting rid of pretty much all possibility of cancer.  But, losing a breast or even the thought of having to make the decision to lose my breast IS a big deal.  It is a very personal thing and one of the characteristics of a woman.  Yes, I realize I will have reconstructive surgery, but it is still a scary thing to be faced with.  I have to admit that after a full day of walking around in a fog, a good night's sleep, many hugs from my hubby, rereading info from my doctor and blogging I've pretty much decided to have a mastectomy if that is our best option for me to remain cancer-free for the rest of my life and that is our main objective.  I don't want to do this again.

Another thing that makes me sad is that my sisters and my girls are now at high-risk for breast cancer.  My mom friend said maybe it is my job to be the dragon slayer to pave the way and give my sisters and daughters a heads up in life so that they can be on top of their breast health.  Maybe, but I am busy and tired and . . ."Somedays I just don't feel like slaying dragons."  But, slay dragons I will for the next couple months.

From the beginning of all of this I have always felt that everything will be fine in the end and it will.  The prognosis with this type of cancer is survival and I am most thankful for that and know that many people are not that fortunate.  I have been telling people that I never felt that I would be fighting for my life, just my health.  So fight and move forward is what I will do everyday.  Will everyday be a grand day?  No, I don't think so.  I'm on a road to becoming cancer free and no matter what the cancer or stage is it isn't an easy road.  Bottom line, at the end of the day I have cancer.  Cancer doesn't always play nice or the way the doctors think it should and it is just damn scary.  But, I am doing well, I've had time to process everything and ready to move forward.  Really, there is nothing else we can do, but move forward.  We have wonderful friends and family and have amazing support.

So my blog  just took a different turn for a couple months . . . this is definitely the "life in between."

{honoring those fallen}

What an amazing day at the gym!!!  Yesterday I skipped the gym & I finally gave into my 4-weeks of a cold and went to have it checked out.  Come to find out I have a sinus infection & broncitis. Yippee!  So hello Z-Pac and hopefully hello to feeling better soon.  I had decided to take most of the week off from the gym until my hubby came home and said we were doing "Amanda" Tuesday morning. Before he finished his sentence I knew I would not be resting and I would be working out in the a.m.

"Amanda"~ Muscle Ups ~ Squat Snatch 135/95 ~ 9-7-5

At CrossFit we have two different kinds of benchmark workouts.  We have "The Girls", tough workouts named after girls like hurricanes used to be named.  Then we  have our Hero WODs, TOUGH workouts named after fallen soldiers, highway patrolmen and firefighters.  Hero WODs are a time to push yourself harder than usual in honor of these men that have died protecting us.  These WODs come around randomly and are a great way to measure your progress over time.  So today was "Amanda", a "girl" workout on the girl board, not the hero board.  But, knowing the story behind "Amanda" it is hard not to treat this workout as a hero.

Read about Amanda Miller in this tribute  to an amazing CrossFit athlete.  A little over a month before Amanda Miller passed away of recurring melanoma cancer that spread to her lymph nodes she wrote on her blog, “I just competed in the CF Games less than a year ago and now I’m dying.” - Amanda Miller, March 9, 2010.  This is the first WOD dedicated to a fallen CrossFit athlete.  I read somewhere to the effect that her doctors criticized her for continuing to CrossFit while undergoing treatment for her cancer saying it was to hard and wearing on her body. She refused to listen to them knowing she had to keep her body strong and it was something she loved.  I admire her fight and strength all the way until the end of her too short life. 

So today with "Amanda" on our whiteboard I sucked it up even though I didn't feel well and tried to do as much of the workout Rx'd as I could no matter how long it took me.  I tried the Rx'd weight of 95# several times with no success.  I wasn't able to get under the bar fast enough.  My only excuse is I have always been slow at this point of the snatch and I was running from the pain I was afraid I would feel in my pelvis and shoulder.  Coach B told me to do 65# so I did 75# :-) and I did as many muscle ups as I could eek out and finished the remainder with our scaled version for the day, two chest to bar pullups + two ring dips/muscle up.  I was able to do four the first round, one the second and all five in the final round.  Everytime I got on the rings the last round I told myself to do it for Amanda.  I did 10 of the 21 muscle ups in the workout.  I am happy with that.  I think this was the most enjoyable WOD I have done in a long time and it was a great way to honor a strong, amazing woman. 

We should all push ourselves physically a little further than we think we can.  I think we are all capable of doing more than we think we can.  We hold ourselves back mentally, when physically we can reach a new level.  You have to believe in yourself.  Know your body can do it, know your body is capable, commit to reaching that next level.  Remember there are people out there pushing themselves to new limits when physically and/or mentally you would expect they couldn't.   These people believe there is nothing that can hold them back.  Don't let anything hold you back. Make the most of your life. Reach that new level.

{finding comfort in me}

This is just a "cut and paste" from my profile info on Facebook.  A friend told me this summer she loved what I wrote so I go back every now and then and see just what it was that I wrote.  Today was a good day to go back and read about me.  "I love comfort. I find it in many places."  As I read this I found that I have been seeking comfort in many of those places the past few days. It's good to be reminded of the things you write to briefly tell about yourself.  Thanks me, I needed that. 

About me, huh? I want to be strong, physically and mentally. I don't trust in myself, but want to. I love comfort. I find it in many places. My head on my husband's chest, a hug from a friend, a text, an online chat, a hot latte, a cottage, my back deck in the summertime, Milbank, SD, in the summer, my favorite desserts, my gym, my children's laughter. I don't always make the right choices. I don't always make the wrong choices. I love to see new places, but will never leave my mountains. I don't like the cold and snow. I wish I were more outgoing. I enjoy having a drink with a friend because I regret never having one with a friend that is now gone. I train hard and do what I can to perform well in the gym and get upset when people can't respect my decision to do so. I want to be happy every minute of every day. I love calm and still silence.

 My husband loves me like nobody else can. My kids teach me to be the person I want to be. My mom was the most beautiful person I have ever known. My dad is my hero. My sisters and I can laugh like nobody's business. My brother is the smartest person I know.

 CrossFit . . . Constantly Varied Functional Movements Executed at High Intensity. We specialize in not specializing. We train not to suck at life. General physical preparedness. CrossFit is for our children, grandparents, parents, elite athletes and everybody in between. We are changing lives one athlete at a time. We are building a community. Stong is the new sexy. 

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."

~ Aldous Huxley