{it's hard work}

I've decided trying to be stong and positive is hard work.  I am finding that I am weary all the time and feel heavy.  I'm tired and just want to sleep in every morning.  I don't want to stay in bed all day, but I want to delay the start of my days.  I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I went because I knew I had to.  I need to keep my body strong to speed up my recovery.  So to the gym I went.  We were loading up our bars for some heavy deadlifts when Coach gave out a shout, "now we are going to load up some weight!"  I instantly thought, what if you are already carrying a bunch of weight.  Right smack, dab on your shoulders.  My workouts have gotten so slow, I've added minutes to my time on short workouts. I feel like I can't move, like my limbs weigh a ton.  I can't catch my breath (more than usual), like a panic type "can't catch my breath".  I feel like I am trying to move through deep mud.  I broke down crying in the middle of a set of deadlifts today (more on that later) and not sure I would have picked it back up had Coach not walked over to push me to keep going.  I finished my set with tears streaming down my face. 

When I first found the lumps in my breast I could go to the gym and get away from my worries for at least one hour in the day.  Because during a CrossFit workout it is pretty near impossible to think about anything else except getting done with the workout.  Our workouts don't give me that one hour of reprieve from my head anymore.  It's always there, I always feel it.  A friend asked me today if I can ever forget about it during my day.  I can't.  I try quite often not to dwell on it, but it is always there. 

So I will keep doing my best to be strong and positive, but mind you it is hard work.  But, I am used to working hard and pulling a lot of weight when it seems like I can't pull anymore.  I can't promise I will do it without those damn tears, but I will keep pulling that weight even when more plates are thrown on.  Like Coach's sound words of encouragement today after I noted that the weight was heavy today after pulling a couple warmup reps.  Without missing a beat he said, "For somebody else it is!"  So I guess the weight isn't more than I can handle. I just have to load up, set my back and pull.  Somehow you can always stand up with more weight than you ever thought you could.  So, cancer, throw as many plates on as you want.  I can still stand up with it!

{MRI...check!}

Today was MRI day.  The last test to be done.  Last week we found out my genetic testing results came back negative which was a very good thing.  It's about time something came back negative!  I've never had an MRI so didn't know what to expect.  I'd heard how some people find it claustrophobic and it is very loud.  I was asked if I was claustrophobic, but I had no idea.  I've never been in a situation that would let me know if I was or wasn't.  I've never looked at a small space and thought I should crawl in there and see if it freaks me out.  After seeing the MRI machine I figured I could handle it.  It is open on both ends and it is light in there.  I really didn't want to take any Valium to get through it as I hate taking anything and I knew I wanted to workout later in the day and didn't want anything in my system.  So I decided to tough it out, close my eyes and remain calm. 

My order was for a breast MRI (duh).  Still "just" a chest MRI was a whopping $3200.  Holy crap!  It started with me laying face up.  This part only lasts 7-8 minutes, but this was the part that I noticed my breathing start to get a little anxious.  It was when I opened my eyes and the top of the tube was RIGHT there.  So I closed my eyes, relaxed my breathing and went to a happy place.  It worked and before I knew it the short 7ish minutes were over.  The second part of the MRI involved an IV that I wasn't really pleased about, but the nurse was very competent and speedy and it was over before I knew it.  The IV was so they could push "contrast" into my system.  This did something that causes the tissue to "light up" on the MRI.  I was told some women have reported feeling a cold rush, nothing at all or nausea.  Hmmmm, sounds fun.  Let's hope for the best.  If I felt nauseous and had to let them know I had to puke and stop the test I would have to reschedule and come another day.  Right now I'm hoping my breakfast stays down as I 1) didn't want to puke on the floor of the MRI room and 2) I didn't want to reschedule. After the IV was in place it was time to lie face down on the breast MRI "table".  They placed a massage table type thing on the bed with a place for my face to sit in and for my lovely boobs there were two holes for them to dangle through.  It was fantastic!  They pump oxygen in under your face so you have fresh air (which I was thankful for), put my headphones back in so I could listen to "Stuck on You" by Lionel Richie and "relax" for the final part of the MRI that would last about 30 minutes.   I was told an MRI was loud and that is no joke.  There were loud beeps, grunts, etc.  It made no sense to me why it had to be so loud, but after only getting four hours of sleep the noise didn't keep me from dozing off and on throughout the procedure and before I knew it I was done and sent on my merry way.

So now the waiting game starts AGAIN.  The three radiologists that could read my MRI will all be out-of-town until Monday.  Ugh!  But, I don't think getting the results any earlier than next week would move my surgery along any.  After the results come in we will have all the info needed to make a final treatment plan.  The MRI will show if the cancer has become invasive at all.  We are hoping that isn't the case and we can move forward easily with our decided on plan of action.  I'm not sure how long it takes to orchestrate a crew of my surgeon, the oncologist and the plastic surgeon, but I've heard once a treatment plan is chosen things move pretty quickly.  That is fine with me.  I am ready for surgery to be done so I can start on my recovery.  I want my surgery to be scheduled ASAP, but it can't be before next weekend.  My daughter is turning eight and her birthday party with her friends is next weekend and her party takes priority over my surgery.  A few days isn't going to hurt.  She was very concerned that I was going to be in the hospital over her birthday.  There isn't much I can control in this process, but planning so my baby gets to enjoy her big day with her friends is something I can.  So wait I will until her big day is celebrated properly.

So that was MRI day.  Glad it is over and I'm one step closer to being cancer-free!

{look, cupcakes}

Because I don't want my blog to end on a down note today I am going to quickly post the fantastic suprise I received in the mail today.  My sister-in-law is a cake decorating ninja!  She makes the most amazing, awesome, holy crap cakes you've ever seen.  Gumball machines, RVs, catepillars, Cinderella's carriage, turkeys, "Twilight" inspired cakes, etc.  "Not Your Everyday Cake" is what she calls her cake decorating business and that pretty much hits the nail on the head!   And lucky for us, her talents spill over into cupcake splendor.  Read on and behold the masterpiece, well masterpieces, she sent me.  She said it just made sense to "take a bite out of Breast Cancer." :)

So, if you are reading my blog you know that I was ready to kick my body to the curb this morning.  I still kind of want to, but I feel much better after some tears, laughs with the kids, incredible messages of encouragement and love, and then straight from the hands of my mailman came the "icing on the cake", so to speak.  Boob cupcakes complete with a little pink ribbon!!!!

I had planned to take the kids to Coldstone tonight to help drown my sorrows in a dish of Mojo Mudpie.  Instead, we went to the grocery store, we each picked out a single serving tub of ice cream in our flavor of choice (chocolate, cookies and cream, double fudge brownie and mocha almond fudge), came home and enjoyed a boob cupcake with some ice cream.  It seemed a little wrong to give my kids a boob cupcake, but it was just too damn funny! 

Thank you so much to my sister-in-law for thinking of me and taking the time to make my day better.  Little did she know this wonderful, hilarious surprise would arrive on a day that I needed it most.  You have to find humor in everything to get you through. Laughter IS the best medicine.   Thank you for the laugh when I needed the biggest dose!

{mutiny}

Today I'm pissed at my body.  When I was first diagnosed a friend who has battled cancer told me she felt betrayed by her body.  At the time I thought, "I don't feel betrayed.  I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel betrayed."  I get it now.  I feel like my body is totally turning on me.  A mutiny of sorts.  However, I'm not sure that today was totally brought on by my ugly little friend, cancer, it started with my body in the gym.  I'm tired of fighting 8 month old injuries that tease me and pretend to get better only to flare up out of the blue.  I'm tired of shoulder injuries that heal so that new shoulder injuries can take up residence.  I'm mad that when I have only limited time to maintain and strengthen my body before surgery and recovery it won't let me.  I'm mad that I can't squat an easy amount of weight because my pelvis gives out on me and is unstable.  I'm made because I can't press an "easy" amount of weight for me because once I hit a certain weight my shoulder just gives out and I have to drop the bar.  I'm mad that I have to have surgery that is going to keep me out of the gym while my body recovers.  I'm mad that I will lose strength and my road back to my current strength is going to be a slow one.  I'm mad that I'm going to lose a breast and it is going to be replaced with a pretend one that is surgically made to visibly look like one.  I'm mad that my new breast is going to have to be finished in stages before it looks "normal".   I'm mad that I'm going to have one pretend boob and one real boob, a mismatched set.  I'm mad because I want my new shaplier body on my own terms.  I'm mad that I have spent the past 20 years of my life striving to eat well and workout hard and yet I still got cancer.  I'm mad that Tony has to carry our household & take care of me while wading into his 70-80 work weeks during tax season.  I'm mad that we had to take skiing away from the kids because we knew we had to take some stuff off our plate to concentrate on my medical stuff.  I'm mad that cancer is messing with my schedule and my life. I'm just mad.

Today I want to go make a pan of brownies and eat the whole thing.  Today I want to not eat the Paleo foods I have been eating for the past week because I'm afraid of putting anything bad into my body.  Today I want to call up my girlfriends and say, "let's go get Monday night drinks because I don't want to wait until Friday and I need a drink", but I wouldn't because I am afraid to have a drink because alcohol consumption can cause cancer. Today I want to crawl under my covers and cry because I'm sad and I'm mad.  Today I want my day to fly by and come to an end.  Today I wish my husband wasn't out-of-town working.

Today is the first day since December 22, D-Day, that I have felt this way.  I'm going to accept it and let it be.  I'm probably going to cry yet again like I did in the gym.  Today I had friends offer much needed hugs and encouragement.  They made the tears flow even harder, but made me so thankful for the people in my life.  Maybe I will just cry it out and feel better.  You ladies will probably understand that, you guys not so much.  Sometimes you need a good cry.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling a bit defeated today.  Maybe it's the same thing.  I don't know.

So today pardon my abbreviated French, but I say, F-you to my body.  Find something better to do with your time.

{an "ah ha" moment}

I want to write about this right away while conversations are fresh in my head so I am sitting down to frantically type to get it all out. Today I had a 90 minute massage with a massage therapist/friend from Crossfit.  I've been going to him since about August for a nagging injury from way back in May.  When he got started with the days torture he said, "Well, Trina, I heard about your news.  How are you doing?"  So, during my massage I told him about what was going on, where we are headed, etc.  It was great conversation as he asked great questions, great thought provoking questions. Questions like, "What is the biggest burden for you with all of this?" and "Have you had any great fears?"  We had talked a little bit about a mutual friend that went to our church so church was briefly mentioned and after a bit of a silence and some brutal deep tissue massage he asked, "What are your feelings about God in this?"  Oh boy, where to begin and how do I put my feelings about this into words. 

First, I want to say that I RARELY have conversations regarding church, religion, God, etc.  I don't feel like I can ever put into the right words my feelings about it.  I don't feel educated enough to have a good conversation about it to support my views.  And all too often when it comes to religion people are narrow minded, judgemental and don't respect your opinion if it doesn't match theirs.  It can become heated and confrontational and conversations like this stress me out.  I also don't like people preaching to me.  I found today that people can talk to you at length about God and not be preachy.  It hasn't been very often that I have encountered this.  

Secondly,  how about a little background on my feelings about church, religion, the bible, etc. Now remember, these are my feelings and opinions and I have a right to mine.  If you disagree it doesn't mean I am wrong and you are right, it doesn't mean that I am right or you are wrong.  It means that I have a different opinion than you and my opinion should be respected as I would respect yours.  That being said . . . about a year and half ago Tony and I made the decision to not attend church for awhile.  It didn't feel good, we weren't getting anything out of it and it felt like all we ever did was go through the motions, like were going to church because that is what we were supposed to do.  I didn't like the feeling that to be a Christian you had to go to church every Sunday.  I've also never been too sure about the Bible.  I've always been uncomfortable with people taking the Bible literally.  I have a hard time believing that something written so long ago can be applied literally to today.  Have you ever read this article from a 1950's home ec text preparing women to be a good wife?  These words from even 50 years ago don't pertain to today.  I think over the course of my life I have questioned religion more than not.  I have always found having faith in something I can't see or touch a hard concept.  BUT, I have always been envious of my friends and family that have a deep faith in God and find comfort in it.  I always wished that I had that kind of faith.  A Faith in a loving, higher power.  Faith in the word of God.  Faith in their understanding of their faith.  I don't want anybody to think I don't believe, I do, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to me.  Part of me questions it and probably has many questions, but I don't know how to address them and still find discomfort in this faith.  Why?  I can't say for sure.  Maybe it is just not having the understanding.

So, this is pretty much how I answered my friend's questions.  A laundry list of my uncertainties, but still a desire to someday find and understand this faith that many of my friends have.  We ended up having a long conversation about this or rather he talked and explained many things to me that made some things make sense to me or how I wished to understand.  Maybe it was a comfortable understanding for me.  I didn't feel preached to or judged like I have many times.  One thing that he said that is sticking with me is that religion isn't what being a Christian is about, it is your relationship with Jesus and it has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday.  This isn't required to have a relationship with Jesus.  I liked this. 

So that was a lot of our conversation.  I usually don't enjoy conversations regarding God, the Bible, religion, etc., but I enjoyed this conversation today and I told him this.  I told him how I have never been one to like people throwing scripture and various Bible verses at me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the many Bible verses shared with me by my friends after learning of my diagnosis.  I have been saving them to a word document and I have been rereading them and I've been amazed how various ones speak to certain events in the past two weeks.  I have been feeling and greatly appreciating the pouring out of prayer and love for me and my family.  I have been in awe of the faithfulness of those around me and I love it.  I have been admiring it and finding such comfort in it.  Even if it isn't my faith or me finding that faith I can feel it and I can maybe understand it a little bit.  In my conversation with my friend I told him that I feel like my mind and heart have maybe opened to some understanding and an "ah ha" moment. 

I've thought about this a lot in the past couple weeks, probably like many people who are diagnosed with something like this, "why me?"  I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".  I kind of think part of the reason I got breast cancer is to maybe start to understand this and to maybe to understand what it means to have faith in a higher power.  I'm not going to start raising my arms to heaven and preaching and screaming the praises of the Lord, but I think maybe I am seeing a little bit what this faith is like.

When we got the diagnosis somebody said, "I don't know why, but God didn't answer our prayers".  As soon as I read this I thought, "I don't think this is true", but I wasn't sure exactly how to explain this thought.  But, now I've thought about this a lot and shared it with people.  I think God did answer our prayers, but it wasn't in a way we were expecting.  A friend told me of a Bible verse, and forgive me I don't remember exactly how it went, but it told of how God sees our "big picture" where we only see our "now".  So we may have been praying for an answer for our "now", but God has seen my big picture and started preparing me for this a long time ago.  One, nearly twenty years ago I met a guy sitting in his dorm room, playing video games the day before freshman orientation at Jamestown College in Jamestown, North Dakota.   This guy is my now wonderful husband of 17 1/2 years.  My number one supporter and strength.  Nobody loves me like he does or will carry my burdens when I feel like I can't. Seriously, no loving God would send you to North Dakota if there wasn't a good reason. ; )  Two, I have thought about my move here ten years ago.  We have amazing friends in Nevada, but not near as many and not in so many amazing circles as we do here.  The friends I have made here are some of the most amazing people I know and the outpouring of love, support and prayer from them has been staggering.  I KNEW how amazing each of these people were, but I have been truly humbled by their love. God knew I was going to need ALL of these people surrounding me and my family.  Three, I mentioned this in an earlier post, but something led me to  CrossFit Flathead nearly two years ago.  Working out and nutrition have been a big part of my life for over 19 years, but nothing has compared to what I have learned and how strong my body has become in the past two years.  I feel I found CrossFit to prepare my body and mind for fighting my fight with breast cancer and getting to the "all is fine" point on the other side of the upcoming bumps.  Also, to bring me into a caring, loving and supportive community of people that lift me up daily.  Finally, I will be the first to admit I am (or was) horrible about doing my self breast exams like every woman should do every month (Do you hear me ladies!!!  We've all heard it and it is so important.  Early detection is key!  Please for yourself and your family make this top priority in your health).  I had my yearly exam with my obgyn in May and had a breast exam then.  I hadn't done once since, but a month ago something prompted me to do one and that is when I discovered what I thought was maybe three lumps in my breast.  I think all of these and so many other things in my life even before all of these that I mentioned were all God's doing.  Leading me in certain directions in my life and all the while I thought it was just me.   I think we make choices in our lives so I'm not ready to say God is totally in control, but I believe something leads us to choices and we make a decision from there.  But, even in those choices we are probably helped along with a little nudge from God and unfortunately sometimes a little nudge from the devil.

So though I'm still figuring things out and it may be a long time before I figure things out I can at least see how faith can work in my life and it certainly gives me something to think about and obviously something to blog about. :)

"Faith, not fear."

{the tough conversations}

On my first post regarding my breast cancer diagnosis I said one of the worst things was that my sisters and girls are now high risk.  I now have a single worst thing with this little speed bump in our lives.  Telling our children. 

We have two girls, K, nearly eight and, A, 11 1/2, and a five-year-old boy, T.  We decided to tell our oldest first.  We knew we could tell her a little more and she is our most dramatic and we were afraid she would really get upset and wanted to be able to talk to her.  Yes, she was really upset, as we fully expected she would be.  I cried, Tony teared up and we comforted her.  She is scared and wants to stay with me at the hospital when I have surgery.  After we told her we had our two youngest come in our room and crawl up on the bed with us and we told them.  I didn't know my heart could hurt more after telling A.  K is very tender-hearted, loving and sensitive.  She was kind of flipping through a book as we told them and you could see the sadness come over her face, but she was trying to hold it in.  I asked her to come up and see me.  I put my arms around her and she laid her head on my lap and started to cry.  I stroked her hair and told her everything was going to be okay.  She kept crying and I asked her, "What about this makes you sad?" and she said, "I don't want you to have surgery" and she started crying a little harder.  All we could do was continue to comfort her and tell her that I had a really good doctor that would get rid of it.  During this time Tyler was curled up with Tony and then he slipped off the bed and disappeared.  Shortly after he returned with Kenna's favorite fuzzy blanket and handed it to her.  A little while later he made another trip upstairs to get A her favorite blanket and to fetch his. What a sweet little boy.  I asked T the same question I asked K, "What about this makes you sad?"  He said, "I don't want you to leave." Ugh.  We reassured him that I wasn't leaving.  I might just be in the hospital for a night or two.  Abigail came back in the room a little later and curled up with all of us on our bed and we just laid together on the bed, cuddling in silence and being a little sad, though knowing everything would be all right.  I told them that, "Everything is going to be okay, there are just a couple of bumps getting there."

K asked me a question while she was so sad and laying with her head in my lap that will forever haunt me, "Can you die?"  I broke down crying & told her, "No.  Everybody with this kind of cancer gets better."  That's a big question for a little girl to ask her mom.  She clung to my arm & said, "I love you".  They make choosing my treatment option a little bit easier.  I don't ever want to tell them that again.  I don't ever want a reoccurrence that I can't confidently answer her question with a "No".  They are all a bit sad, but we keep hugging them and reminding them of the "good things" about it.  The doctor's can get rid of it and everybody with this cancer gets better. Sweet little, strong souls we have.

{please come back and let's do it again!}

My family is a riot!  Well, at least we think we are.  We always say we are having a great time therefore the people around us aren't. Haha!  Our afternoon out sledding ended up being one of these great times.  First of all, how can you not laugh and smile when you are sledding?  Sitting  on a piece of plastic, foamy type stuff, give yourself a push and hope for the best.  Whoosh!  I'm so happy we just got the kid's ski helmets as there were several crashes, unfortunately Tyler won the prize for the most. Only one left mom with a little bit of a heart attack that quickly went away once he moved.  Ugh!  See, how can you not have fun sledding?!  Peril, danger, laughter, tears from said laughter, etc. 

We like to go sledding at the local middle school.  There is a great hill behind it that runs into a good sized field for a long run to the bottom.  There is a also a shorter hill that sometimes has a great berm (mom finds it a hazard!) plowed up at the bottom that made for great jumps that had be be nixed after awhile because of too many wrecks.  We (I) like this hill because you can park on the street right at the top so when you (mom) gets cold you can climb into the car and turn the heater on.  When we got to the sledding hill we were the only ones there so the twelve of us had the run of the place and fun was had by all!  About an hour into our sledding afternoon we had the great idea that we should run home and grab dad's air mattress that had recently sprung a small leak.  So my brother-in-law jumped in his truck and raced home to grab our new "sled".  Whitetrash fun decended upon the sledding hill in full force.   The best part of our new sled was the sound it made as it "raced" down the hill.  It was a slow dragging noise that kind of sounded like a jet engine.  It was by NO means fast, but boy did it make you laugh and smile!  Maybe we should have greased up the bottom like Chevy Chase in "Christmas Vacation"!  Now that would have been fun and a great idea to tuck away for next year. :)

Notice the sleds, four in all, under the mattress to try to give it some speed.

This “sled” offered no speed. My brother’s screams and look of terror were solely for entertainment purposes only! :)

 We also did our fair share of racing down the hill on your standard sled.  The boys also had snowboards along that provided great wintertime entertainment and fun. 

My sisters and me laughing like crazy. This ride ended in a slow motion wreck at the bottom and tears from laughing so hard! 

Not hurt! Just being silly!

The whole family enjoying a day of sledding!  Perfect!