{make mine a double}

Having to make decisions in this cancer process has been brutal for me.  First, every decision is a big one and, two, I can't make a decision to save my life.  I think my two biggest decisions have been which plastic surgeon to have do my reconstruction and whether to have a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy.  The first one was finally behind me on Thursday.  The second one has been a back and forth process.  First, I decided to just have both done to greatly reduce my risk of getting cancer again.  Then, I decided that I couldn't stand the thought of losing both breasts so I decided to just have a mastectomy done in my "bad" breast unless my doctor recommended otherwise, keep as much of my body as possible.  So, when my MRI came back and my doctor said she wouldn't do anything with my right breast because it was clear I was happy with my choice.  As you may have read in my blog a few days ago a friend's doctor told her to enjoy her life with her breast instead of without it when you may never get cancer in it.  Whew.  That sounded good and I was settled with my decision.  But, then my friend sent me something that her first doctor said that stated a strong case for a bilateral mastectomy and I also started thinking about something my plastic surgeon said.  So, my Friday was spent wondering if I was making the right decision.  My friend's surgeon stated that by choosing a bilateral mastectomy you have a very high likelihood of living a cancer-free life.  By leaving that breast alone you face a lifetime of very close screening via mammograms, MRIs, biopsies, ultrasounds, etc. Not to mention the constant worrying of getting cancer again.  

My plastic surgeon's argument was that being done having kids I don't need them for functional reasons anymore.  If I only did one side my breasts would look a little different from each other and they wouldn't feel the same since one would have all the tissue removed under the skin.  I really started thinking about this because I know that I want my new normal to be even, symmetrical, matching.  I hate the thought of them not being the same.  If they are the same to me it seems more "normal"  instead of mismatched.  This is very important to me.  I don't know why.  I just don't want to feel pieced together to make things even.  I know this may make no sense you y'all, but it does in my head.  I just have a need for a matched set.

So, today I spent most of my day struggling with what to do.  Mostly my head and heart kept going back to taking both, get rid of virtually all risk of getting cancer again.  But, there was still a big part of me that was so worried about making the wrong decision.  And, frankly, I am afraid of losing something that defines me physically as a woman.  I know I get replacement parts, but still I am losing the "real" part of my body and that is scary.  I worry about regretting my decision, because as we all well know there is no going back.  It isn't like getting implants and then later deciding you don't want them.  You can undo that and still have your real breasts.  If I decide later that I made the wrong decision, well, too bad.  I'm stuck with my decision.  So in the midst of Tony and I talking about this, weighing the pros and cons and frantically cleaning the house for a birthday slumber party for several eight-year-olds we got some information in the mail that tipped my decision to one side and helped me make my decision.  Bills and Explanations of Benefits from our insurance.  As of today, we have nearly $9,000 in medical charges and nearly $3,000 due out-of-pocket and we haven't even stepped foot into the operating room.  Deductibles on MRIs, deductibles on diagnostics, copays, etc.  I have better things to spend my money on instead of over-inflated medical costs.  What we are paying out of pocket to date we could go on a nice little family vacation, we could put it into the kid's college fund, we could fly to South Dakota to visit family instead of drive, I could get that mini tummy tuck that I went to bed dreaming about, we could save for a big-ass-rainy day, we could made two extra mortgage payments, etc.  You get the idea.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying deductibles on MRIs, mammograms, biopsies, etc.  I want to move on and not do this anymore.  I want to leave breast cancer behind me.  I don't want it in the back of my thoughts everyday and showing up every six months when I have to have some sort of screening done.  I want to move forward, get used to my new body, go bra shopping, show a little cleavage in a tank top, be a survivor that isn't reminded every six months that I am still at high risk for breast cancer.  I want to live my life cancer free and I can't do that with a breast that is still at risk for cancer.  No thank you.  So Monday I will call my doctor's office and order a double.  Make it a strong one because I plan to enjoy it for the rest of my cancer-free life.

{it's the little things...actually they're big}

I know some of my last few posts have been a little frustrating, gloomy, sad, etc. on my part.  I guess that's okay.  I'm going through a frustating, gloomy, sad roller coaster right now and I get to have those days and those blog post days.  But, today, right now I am feeling some calm.  I decided to skip my morning workout (don't worry, Coach, I will be in later!), I put on real clothes instead of my usual workout clothes (wearing a tight, skinny black top that makes me feel pretty damn good!), packed up my computer and I'm sitting at a coffee shop with my latte right by a window.  The sun isn't shining, but it is bright and the daylight at my side feels good.

Today for my post I am just going to share some random and favorite things I have recieved from my incredible support group of family and friends.  There are so many more than those that I copied here, but this is a start.  I've said this before, but we all know how amazing our friends and family are, but in the time of crisis and sadness people go above and beyond amazingness (I'm sure that's a word!).  So, behold, the amazingness of my loved ones! (In no particular order.)

"Most beautiful lady, so when thinking of you tonight, I opened my bible praying that I could find something more than just some "bible verse" for you--something that was meant for you to hear. I don't know why I'm always so shocked at how ...God works, because that is just how He works, but I thumbed my bible and here is where it landed . . . Matthew 8:7. Then, no joke, my fingers landed upon Jeremiah 30:17a.(and no, I didn't have these memorized, but I do now!) You will win. You are Trina Kick-Ass Vanorny--the one who makes me need a new pair of undies everytime Buf has me partner with you."

"Don’t give into fear and panic. It tears down your immune system."

"Faith, not fear"

"'...and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. ... We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I Survived.' From the novel Little Bee by Chris Cleave. I read this and thought this is for you my friend Trina! Be Strong:)"

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But, I've bought a big bat, I'm already you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" ....It's like a badass Dr. Seuss. :)

 

 

"Holy shit Trina."

"Trina the Dragon-slayer. You slay a dragon every time Buf says 3-2-1 Go! Some have been small, some have been large; this will be a huge dragon, but you'll slay it too. I will be praying for you, Tony and the kids. You have a group of people from the Crossfit Box alone that will rally for you. I'm sure the rest of the people you touch in the rest of your life feel the same way. I hope there isn't a day that goes by where you don't feel that from someone around you."

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4 ... Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"I just wanted to tell you that my heart is breaking and I wished that I could just hold you and tell  you that everything will be OK. "

"That's my girl - you will always stand up with it!"

"I do have to say it just hurts inside-that empty feeling-but I am sure what I feel is nothing compared to what you are and will be going thru-I just hope and pray everyday that in the end everything will be ok- lots of love and hugs and tears."

"I don't always say the right things, but know I pray for you every night."

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHW1K2LeQXE

"MY SISTER HAS BAD ASS TA-TAS!!!!!!! If you love your bad ass ta-tas, feel 'em up!!!!! Save the ta-tas!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (one heart for each of my sisters, my daughter, and my nieces!)"

"Stage zero should not even be a term! There is no "zero" about this. Your whole life is changing and that matters. If there IS a scale, this change is off the charts."

"I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick."

Isaiah 43:2-5 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze....Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo&ob=av2nm

{results and my re-creator}

Now is a much better day to write about my MRI results.  I have kind of been a mess since my doctor called Tuesday afternoon with my results and I'm finally cleaning that mess up a bit and feeling better.  So the results really weren't a surprise, but for some reason hearing the words out loud from the doctor really brought even more of the reality home.  The good news is that the other breast and my lymph nodes are clear.  Onto my rogue boob, she said the MRI showed that almost the entire top half of my breast is abnormal.  She said she can't say for sure from the MRI if it is all cancerous or if it is invasive.  She said she can't remove the abnormalities and conserve enough of my breast for me to have a decent breast (honestly, they really aren't decent now! lol).  A mastectomy and reconstruction is my best and only option for a nice looking breast on the other side.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  I'm not sure why because this is the treatment plan I had already decided on.  After thinking about it I think it is because I have no choice now.  Before I had a choice of treatment plan, now I have no control.  Cancer tends to do that, takes your control away.  I also hate the idea that my breast is so bad it has to be taken from me.  A part of my body is being TAKEN from me.  I know this "taking" is for my health, but I am still losing a part of me and I guess I am mourning that upcoming loss.  Thankfully, my doctor said she wouldn't recommend doing anything with the other breast as a bilateral mastectomy was a consideration to reduce my risk of getting cancer in the other breast.  I had already decided before hearing from my doctor to keep my "good" breast.  Mentally I wasn't ready to lose both of my girls.  A friend that is going through the same thing that I am shared her perspective on this same decision, something her doctor told her.  "I'd rather keep my breast and have my life with it than take it away because I am afraid of a cancer that I might never get."  I totally agree.  So those are my results.

So now that all of my tests are done and the results are in it is time to move onto step number 3 or 4 or 5 or whatever damn step I am on at this point.  Meeting with a plastic surgeon, my breast re-creator.  I have decided to keep my plastic surgeon choice my little secret until after my surgery.  Choosing my plastic surgeon has been a great source of stress for me.  We have two plastic surgeons in the valley and I have heard pros and cons about both.  Some people had VERY strong opinions about each of them and it made my decision very hard.  I went back and forth in my decision many times.  In the end my final choice was based on my gut feeling, how much I enjoyed said surgeon in their office, Tony's opinion and a little insider recommendation from somebody I love and trust.  So we got a lot of info today.  How the procedure is done &  how implants would be placed.  How long the entire reconstruction process would take, two surgeries, one minor and a date with a tattoo gun (that will be a fun when somebody asks how many tattoos I have! lol)  We looked at a lot of before an after pictures & I had my first topless photos taken against a beautiful turquoise painted wall.  I got a quote on a mini tummy tuck (which I want so much more that new boobs!) and I left with three implant samples to stuff into bras so I can decide on my new bra size. Whew, we had a busy afternoon. 

I have always talked about wanting new prettier boobs, but I have really never been 100% sure if it was something I wanted done.  Now I have no choice and I discovered I really didn't enjoy the process of deciding on how "big" I want to go.  It didn't look natural, didn't feel right.  So, I decided on the smallest implant which will put me right at the size that I have always said I wanted to be.  That size that I didn't appreciate enough when I was in high school. :-)

So with a little hesitation, praying I was making the right decision, I called my breast doctor and told them my plastic surgeon choice.  So the coordinating of schedules begins and they will be calling me soon with a surgery date. Ahhhhh......

48 hours of tears, frustration, and now a little relief.  One more step toward the other side.

{it's hard work}

I've decided trying to be stong and positive is hard work.  I am finding that I am weary all the time and feel heavy.  I'm tired and just want to sleep in every morning.  I don't want to stay in bed all day, but I want to delay the start of my days.  I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I went because I knew I had to.  I need to keep my body strong to speed up my recovery.  So to the gym I went.  We were loading up our bars for some heavy deadlifts when Coach gave out a shout, "now we are going to load up some weight!"  I instantly thought, what if you are already carrying a bunch of weight.  Right smack, dab on your shoulders.  My workouts have gotten so slow, I've added minutes to my time on short workouts. I feel like I can't move, like my limbs weigh a ton.  I can't catch my breath (more than usual), like a panic type "can't catch my breath".  I feel like I am trying to move through deep mud.  I broke down crying in the middle of a set of deadlifts today (more on that later) and not sure I would have picked it back up had Coach not walked over to push me to keep going.  I finished my set with tears streaming down my face. 

When I first found the lumps in my breast I could go to the gym and get away from my worries for at least one hour in the day.  Because during a CrossFit workout it is pretty near impossible to think about anything else except getting done with the workout.  Our workouts don't give me that one hour of reprieve from my head anymore.  It's always there, I always feel it.  A friend asked me today if I can ever forget about it during my day.  I can't.  I try quite often not to dwell on it, but it is always there. 

So I will keep doing my best to be strong and positive, but mind you it is hard work.  But, I am used to working hard and pulling a lot of weight when it seems like I can't pull anymore.  I can't promise I will do it without those damn tears, but I will keep pulling that weight even when more plates are thrown on.  Like Coach's sound words of encouragement today after I noted that the weight was heavy today after pulling a couple warmup reps.  Without missing a beat he said, "For somebody else it is!"  So I guess the weight isn't more than I can handle. I just have to load up, set my back and pull.  Somehow you can always stand up with more weight than you ever thought you could.  So, cancer, throw as many plates on as you want.  I can still stand up with it!

{MRI...check!}

Today was MRI day.  The last test to be done.  Last week we found out my genetic testing results came back negative which was a very good thing.  It's about time something came back negative!  I've never had an MRI so didn't know what to expect.  I'd heard how some people find it claustrophobic and it is very loud.  I was asked if I was claustrophobic, but I had no idea.  I've never been in a situation that would let me know if I was or wasn't.  I've never looked at a small space and thought I should crawl in there and see if it freaks me out.  After seeing the MRI machine I figured I could handle it.  It is open on both ends and it is light in there.  I really didn't want to take any Valium to get through it as I hate taking anything and I knew I wanted to workout later in the day and didn't want anything in my system.  So I decided to tough it out, close my eyes and remain calm. 

My order was for a breast MRI (duh).  Still "just" a chest MRI was a whopping $3200.  Holy crap!  It started with me laying face up.  This part only lasts 7-8 minutes, but this was the part that I noticed my breathing start to get a little anxious.  It was when I opened my eyes and the top of the tube was RIGHT there.  So I closed my eyes, relaxed my breathing and went to a happy place.  It worked and before I knew it the short 7ish minutes were over.  The second part of the MRI involved an IV that I wasn't really pleased about, but the nurse was very competent and speedy and it was over before I knew it.  The IV was so they could push "contrast" into my system.  This did something that causes the tissue to "light up" on the MRI.  I was told some women have reported feeling a cold rush, nothing at all or nausea.  Hmmmm, sounds fun.  Let's hope for the best.  If I felt nauseous and had to let them know I had to puke and stop the test I would have to reschedule and come another day.  Right now I'm hoping my breakfast stays down as I 1) didn't want to puke on the floor of the MRI room and 2) I didn't want to reschedule. After the IV was in place it was time to lie face down on the breast MRI "table".  They placed a massage table type thing on the bed with a place for my face to sit in and for my lovely boobs there were two holes for them to dangle through.  It was fantastic!  They pump oxygen in under your face so you have fresh air (which I was thankful for), put my headphones back in so I could listen to "Stuck on You" by Lionel Richie and "relax" for the final part of the MRI that would last about 30 minutes.   I was told an MRI was loud and that is no joke.  There were loud beeps, grunts, etc.  It made no sense to me why it had to be so loud, but after only getting four hours of sleep the noise didn't keep me from dozing off and on throughout the procedure and before I knew it I was done and sent on my merry way.

So now the waiting game starts AGAIN.  The three radiologists that could read my MRI will all be out-of-town until Monday.  Ugh!  But, I don't think getting the results any earlier than next week would move my surgery along any.  After the results come in we will have all the info needed to make a final treatment plan.  The MRI will show if the cancer has become invasive at all.  We are hoping that isn't the case and we can move forward easily with our decided on plan of action.  I'm not sure how long it takes to orchestrate a crew of my surgeon, the oncologist and the plastic surgeon, but I've heard once a treatment plan is chosen things move pretty quickly.  That is fine with me.  I am ready for surgery to be done so I can start on my recovery.  I want my surgery to be scheduled ASAP, but it can't be before next weekend.  My daughter is turning eight and her birthday party with her friends is next weekend and her party takes priority over my surgery.  A few days isn't going to hurt.  She was very concerned that I was going to be in the hospital over her birthday.  There isn't much I can control in this process, but planning so my baby gets to enjoy her big day with her friends is something I can.  So wait I will until her big day is celebrated properly.

So that was MRI day.  Glad it is over and I'm one step closer to being cancer-free!

{look, cupcakes}

Because I don't want my blog to end on a down note today I am going to quickly post the fantastic suprise I received in the mail today.  My sister-in-law is a cake decorating ninja!  She makes the most amazing, awesome, holy crap cakes you've ever seen.  Gumball machines, RVs, catepillars, Cinderella's carriage, turkeys, "Twilight" inspired cakes, etc.  "Not Your Everyday Cake" is what she calls her cake decorating business and that pretty much hits the nail on the head!   And lucky for us, her talents spill over into cupcake splendor.  Read on and behold the masterpiece, well masterpieces, she sent me.  She said it just made sense to "take a bite out of Breast Cancer." :)

So, if you are reading my blog you know that I was ready to kick my body to the curb this morning.  I still kind of want to, but I feel much better after some tears, laughs with the kids, incredible messages of encouragement and love, and then straight from the hands of my mailman came the "icing on the cake", so to speak.  Boob cupcakes complete with a little pink ribbon!!!!

I had planned to take the kids to Coldstone tonight to help drown my sorrows in a dish of Mojo Mudpie.  Instead, we went to the grocery store, we each picked out a single serving tub of ice cream in our flavor of choice (chocolate, cookies and cream, double fudge brownie and mocha almond fudge), came home and enjoyed a boob cupcake with some ice cream.  It seemed a little wrong to give my kids a boob cupcake, but it was just too damn funny! 

Thank you so much to my sister-in-law for thinking of me and taking the time to make my day better.  Little did she know this wonderful, hilarious surprise would arrive on a day that I needed it most.  You have to find humor in everything to get you through. Laughter IS the best medicine.   Thank you for the laugh when I needed the biggest dose!

{mutiny}

Today I'm pissed at my body.  When I was first diagnosed a friend who has battled cancer told me she felt betrayed by her body.  At the time I thought, "I don't feel betrayed.  I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel betrayed."  I get it now.  I feel like my body is totally turning on me.  A mutiny of sorts.  However, I'm not sure that today was totally brought on by my ugly little friend, cancer, it started with my body in the gym.  I'm tired of fighting 8 month old injuries that tease me and pretend to get better only to flare up out of the blue.  I'm tired of shoulder injuries that heal so that new shoulder injuries can take up residence.  I'm mad that when I have only limited time to maintain and strengthen my body before surgery and recovery it won't let me.  I'm mad that I can't squat an easy amount of weight because my pelvis gives out on me and is unstable.  I'm made because I can't press an "easy" amount of weight for me because once I hit a certain weight my shoulder just gives out and I have to drop the bar.  I'm mad that I have to have surgery that is going to keep me out of the gym while my body recovers.  I'm mad that I will lose strength and my road back to my current strength is going to be a slow one.  I'm mad that I'm going to lose a breast and it is going to be replaced with a pretend one that is surgically made to visibly look like one.  I'm mad that my new breast is going to have to be finished in stages before it looks "normal".   I'm mad that I'm going to have one pretend boob and one real boob, a mismatched set.  I'm mad because I want my new shaplier body on my own terms.  I'm mad that I have spent the past 20 years of my life striving to eat well and workout hard and yet I still got cancer.  I'm mad that Tony has to carry our household & take care of me while wading into his 70-80 work weeks during tax season.  I'm mad that we had to take skiing away from the kids because we knew we had to take some stuff off our plate to concentrate on my medical stuff.  I'm mad that cancer is messing with my schedule and my life. I'm just mad.

Today I want to go make a pan of brownies and eat the whole thing.  Today I want to not eat the Paleo foods I have been eating for the past week because I'm afraid of putting anything bad into my body.  Today I want to call up my girlfriends and say, "let's go get Monday night drinks because I don't want to wait until Friday and I need a drink", but I wouldn't because I am afraid to have a drink because alcohol consumption can cause cancer. Today I want to crawl under my covers and cry because I'm sad and I'm mad.  Today I want my day to fly by and come to an end.  Today I wish my husband wasn't out-of-town working.

Today is the first day since December 22, D-Day, that I have felt this way.  I'm going to accept it and let it be.  I'm probably going to cry yet again like I did in the gym.  Today I had friends offer much needed hugs and encouragement.  They made the tears flow even harder, but made me so thankful for the people in my life.  Maybe I will just cry it out and feel better.  You ladies will probably understand that, you guys not so much.  Sometimes you need a good cry.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling a bit defeated today.  Maybe it's the same thing.  I don't know.

So today pardon my abbreviated French, but I say, F-you to my body.  Find something better to do with your time.