{destination home}

Part 2 of my little stay in the hospital.  There wasn't much of anything exciting, but it is part of my journey so I am sharing.

Wednesday, February 3.  In come the nurses for one of the many visits in the middle of the night.  I woke from what felt like hours of sleep thinking "How nice this night is coming to an end."  When I asked the nurse what time it was I was very disappointed to find out it was only 12:30 a.m.  Ugh!  I felt like I had been run over by a truck, my tailbone and sacrum hurt from sitting upright and I still felt sick to my stomach though not near as bad as before.  I was given more drugs for the pain and all my vitals were taken.  I am assuming "vitals" include blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels (I think that was what the thing on my finger measured) and my pulse.  Once all that was done I was left to sink back into my sleepy, drugged stupor.  But, when you spend the night in the hospital that sleep doesn't last long because it seems that just as you fall back to sleep here comes the nurse again.  I don't want to complain too much because it seems like they came with more pain meds quite often, but I was so tired.  When they rolled in at 3:00 a.m.  they had me eat my little cup of warm green jello and some crackers so I could take some painkillers.  I had no idea if that would all stay down, but it did and it felt good to have a little something in my stomach.  I guess I had enough sleep because I couldn't fall back asleep and laid there fairly wide awake until about 4:30 when I finally drifted off.  Ahhh, sweet sleep UNTIL 6:00 when the nurse came in to get me up to walk!  Are you serious?  It is still dark out!  So I sat up and sat on the edge of my bed for what seemed like forever because I was so dizzy and light headed.  I was finally able to stand up and we took a nice slow walk down the hall and back with a brief stop at the nurse's station to order breakfast.  Very light as I was afraid of how my stomach would feel with food in it.  Scrambled eggs and fruit.  Happy to say it didn't make me sick, but I still didn't feel ready for a huge, complicated meal.  Simple is safe.

Shortly after I returned to my room and was left "comfortable" in a chair for a change of scenery my doctor arrived to check on me.    They unsnapped my gown and proceeded to unzip my tight sportsbra type bra to check out her handy work.  She was pleased with how they looked and my incision sites looked great.  Not a single dressing required.  It was crazy.  I was surprised at how few incisions I had for my major surgery.  I had two drains (which totally grossed me out) each with one itty, bitty incision, a 1 1/2 inch incision where they removed four lymph nodes and then my incisions on the front of each breast that were now two small cinched up spots where I once had nipples.  I know, sorry for the "too much info", but really there is no modesty left after this whole process.  It's breast cancer, breast stuff is going to come up.  In fact, I have decided at some point I am going to describe in kind of tasteful detail how breast reconstruction isn't like getting a boob job.  So, you have been warned.  It's coming.  I have been very open and very frank about this whole process.  I don't expect I will stop now. 

Sorry, I digress...when my doctor was done checking me out they had to pull my tight sports bra back on and zip it up the front.  Oh, my goodness!  That hurt so damn bad.  I just about came out of my skin.  Imagine traumatized, terribly inflamed, swollen, pain like you have never imagined Dolly Parton boobs shoved into a bra three sizes too small.  I repeat, pain like you have never imagined.  When they left I decided I needed to get back in bed.  Not an easy feat.  Every movement jarred my chest and I couldn't use my arms to pull myself back into bed.  I had to sit back as far as I could to the elevated end of the bed and do a crazy, little, slow butt shimmy that seemed to take forever and hurt with every shimmy.  But, I made it into bed and was so happy to be able to lay back in bed after my painful experience of getting my boobs tucked back away and trying to get back in bed.  I was totally exhausted and just laid back to rest.  It was as close to peaceful and comfortable as one could get after a major surgery.

The one thing that I couldn't believe hearing all morning was "When you go home today...."  What?!  I feel horrible, how can I possibly go home today?  I just had a bunch of tissue cut out, my pec muscles separated from the chest wall and 350 cc implants shoved under them.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck and then backed over and hit again.  How on God's green earth was I going to go home today?  I tried not to think about it and prayed they would see that I was a mess and couldn't possibly go home.  When my aunt came into see me she told me that I would be surprised at how much better I felt by late afternoon.  Okay, I'm open to just sitting and waiting.  If I didn't feel comfortable going home I was going to push to stay.  I had a few more visitors during the day the best being my kiddos.  I was in a much more pleasant state for company and they were excited to see me.  I looked at all the great cards their classes made for me and was able to lean forward just enough to give them kisses.  One of A's classmates wrote, "I'm sorry this happened to you.  You are probably a good person."  Hahahahaha!  It was awesome.  Kids say the greatest things.

So late afternoon rolls around and here comes the nurse with my discharge papers ready to kick me to the curb.  When it is time to go, it is time to go!  And you know what?  I felt ready to go home.  I honestly didn't think I would.  A friend encouraged me to get out of the hospital ASAP to get away from the disease and infection that is in a hospital and that made sense.  The bed was so uncomfortable, I missed being with my family all the time and I didn't want to spend another night being woke up every couple of hours.  So around 4:00 in the afternoon I left the hospital and I was happy to.   Less than 24 hours in my hospital room.  Just crazy.  The girls were waiting at home for us and were so excited to see me.  T spent the day with one of our friends and would be home later.  I got the best greeting from him when he got home. 

It was a good day.  It was good to be home.

{the grass IS greener}

Oh, my goodness.  Cancer-free is an AMAZING place to be.  The grass doesn't always end up being greener on the other side, but in this case it is a lush, fresh, gorgeous, beautiful shade of green!  It's my new favorite color!  This post is going to be the first of several starting at surgery and getting caught up to the present.   I think it will take me a little while to get these posts done because I tire pretty quickly and looking at the computer for too long makes me a little nauseous and dizzy.  But, I just want to start this by saying that I am so pleasantly surprised at how good I feel.  I never guessed that I would feel this good 48 hours after having MAJOR surgery.  (I started putting this post together on the 4th.) I think just being on this side of surgery and having this huge weight lifted plays a major role in how I feel.  I just feel so good and that makes me so happy.

Tuesday, February 1.  The night before surgery.  We spent the evening getting ready for our day.  Confirming kids care for the next day and packing a small bag.  I was only going to be there overnight so I didn't have to gather much.  The best part about Tuesday night was my sister, Jarali, arriving.  She stayed the night with us and planned to go to the hospital with us and keep Tony company during my surgery.

Tuesday, February 2. We got up and got ready for our day like almost every other day.  Except today wasn't like any other day, not even close.  We got the kids off to school, Tony got a few things done before we had to head to the hospital and I typed out a short blog post.  As time was drawing very close for us to head to the hospital he came and sat on the edge of our bed.  I knelt in front of him, wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head in his lap. He rubbed my back while we just sat there.  Pretty soon he said, "Should we go?" and I broke down crying.  We gathered up my stuff and we headed off to the hospital with Jarali right behind us.  Tony dropped me off while he looked for a parking spot.  Parking is ridiculous at our hospital so if you ever have to be up there for something plan accordingly to drive around forever looking for a spot and then plan on a nice little walk.  So I got registered and was led back to prep me for surgery.  I got my beautiful hospital gown and robe and then had an IV hooked up.  Shortly after this our family friend, Sandy, showed up to sit with us.  It was so nice to see her and visiting was a nice distraction.  Pretty soon my aunt, who is the managing OR nurse at the hospital, came in to see me and make sure I was being well taken care of.  She was amazing during this whole process. She gave great recommendations, gathered information and personally put together my OR team and assigned my anesthesiologist.  I was confident I was in good hands.  About 45 minutes before surgery was about to start my massage arrived.  Our hospital offers a shoulder or foot massage before surgery to help you relax.  I almost turned this down when I was filling out paperwork because I was thinking I might just want to be left alone.  But, then I remembered that my cousin does the massages at the hospital. Sign me up!  I opted for a foot massage and it really was relaxing.  I got my massage (I think maybe a little longer than normal!), visited with family and just waited until it was time.  I was very happy that I ended up not taking a Valium to help me relax.  I had planned to, but then I decided I really didn't want to because I didn't want to feel loopy for any of my time with Tony before I was taken into the OR.  All too soon, it was time.  Everybody gave me a hug and I held onto Tony extra long and got some extra kisses and then my bed was wheeled into the OR.  At this point I only had about four minutes of memory before slipping away into a deep sleep.  I was moved onto the operating table, a pillow was placed under my knees, a nurse introduced herself (a long time friend of my aunt's) and then the anesthesiologist said he was going to give me something to relax.  That was all she wrote.  The next thing I know I am in my hospital room.

Wednesday night was a sickly, icky blur.  I was terribly sick from the anesthesia and I could hardly keep my eyes open.  When my eyes were open I wanted to throw up.  The nurses went through the entire pharmacy of anti-nausea drugs trying to calm it down.  I don't know if any of them worked or not.  I really can't remember.  A couple of the first things I remember are my right palm hurting something fierce (weird I know) and asking my aunt to rub it and oxygen tubes being put in my nose.  I vaguely remember friends coming and going.  I asked Tony if I was totally out of it when they came and he said, "No, you were very gracious and thanked all of them for stopping."  I hope he isn't lying because I hate that I wasn't coherent enough to enjoy these visits and I /we greatly appreciate all of the love and support and thank you SO much for stopping by to see me. :-)   One of our friends from the gym stopped by my room at the end of her shift as a nurse.  Tony was very happy to show up back in my room and find somebody sitting with me.  

Tony wanted to spend every minute with me, but our kids were at home waiting.  Waiting to know that mom was all right.  After I was set up in my room Tony headed home to prepare to bring the kids up to the hospital to see me.  He considered not bringing them up because I was in really bad shape.    Like I said, I don't remember much the entire night after surgery.  I just remember being miserable and my poor babies seeing me like that.  Tony weighed all of this, but he knew the kids were going to be traumatized if he went home and said they couldn't go see me.  They had to see that mom was "okay".  I remember them showing up and they were so excited to show me the cards their classes had made me.  I remember holding each of their hands and seeing each of them, but then I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.  Tony said he left the hospital with three weepy, sad babies.  They came home and they all cuddled up on our bed.  Our neighbor girl came over a little later to sit with the kids for a couple of hours so Tony could come back up and sit with me.  When she walked in the door all three kids broke down crying and wrapped her up in a big group hug.  That night all three of them slept in our room with Tony. :-(  My poor babies.  But, to let you all know, just like this surgery was a huge relief to Tony and me it is as much of a relief to my kids.  They aren't worried anymore and they all seem themselves.  It is a wonderful thing.

Tony came back up to sit with me for a couple of hours, though I hardly remember any of it.  I finally got sick around 10:00 pm and slowly started to feel a little better.  Tony said as soon as I threw up the color returned to my face and I rested easier.  He left around 10:30 to relieve our sitter and try to get some sleep before getting the kids ready to come back up in the morning. 

So, there you have it.  Day one of the rest of my life.  Day one cancer free!!!!

{it's a day for happy places}

I meant to post this yesterday.  I tried so hard all day yesterday not to hate what is going to happen to my body today.  I am SO hoping that I wake up and think, "Oh, these aren't that bad!"  I desperately want that to happen.  I want good thoughts.  I want positive.  I'm trying so hard so I started thinking of my "happy places".  So, quick everybody comment on here or on this link on Facebook.  What is your "happy place"?  Mine is a hot latte, taking a drive in my car with the sunroof open.  My favorite little town within driving distance, Wallace, ID.  A quiet house when I can sit and sew uninterrupted with Coffeehouse playing on Sirius radio.  A great catch up chat with a friend.  Traveling by myself.  My kids playing and laughing together.  My head on my husband's chest.  The smell of my dad's aspen lined driveway early on a Spring or Summer morning or after a rain.  These are just a few.

So, what is yours?  Share your "happy place"!  Today is a day for "happy places"!

{the frantic calm before the storm}

This is just a post of stuff going on.  The time of getting ready for what is to come.  Today we had two pre-op appointments.  One with my oncology surgeon (I can't believe I have an oncology surgeon) and one at the hospital.  We were told what I won't be able to do with my arms after surgery.  We were shown the drains that I will have in place after the surgery and how to empty, measure and record the fluid that drains from the surgery site.  How long I will stay in the hospital (Only one night, which I think is crazy. :( But, I guess that is just me.)  Given a prescription for a beautiful (please read this with deep sarcasm) camisole that will zip up the front for ease of dressing and has pockets inside for the drain bulbs that are about the size of a lemon.  We also asked if we could see my MRI and we were given plenty of time to meet with my oncology surgeon so she could explain it to us.  The top half of my breast really is almost entirely abnormal.  The MRI showed lump after lump after lump.  She said, " Can I say from the MRI that they are DCIS?  No, but they are."   The "infected" area spanned a 5 centimeter area which really is most of my upper breast.  Not good, it does have to go.  The MRI also confirmed a lump that I felt, but one that a couple of my health providers didn't pay any attention to.  That was comforting that it was seen on the MRI and wouldn't be overlooked.   The tissue that is removed will be sent to the pathologist to see if there is any invasive cancer in my "bad" breast and my "good" breast will also be checked.  If there is any invasive cancer present.  We will deal with that and I would guess a new treatment plan when those results come back.  I try not to think about that right now.  That is a worry for another day.  She also said that she felt I made a good decision to have a mastectomy in my "good" breast for symmetrical reasons.  She doesn't know that this reason played the smallest role in my decision.  However, I trust my doctor and I felt good knowing that she felt I made a good decision. 

Next, we walk over to the hospital.  And, of course, it had to be the most Arctic like day in the Flathead Valley.  Brrrr!  Damn, it was a cold day in Kalispell! So, once we get into the warmth of Patient Registration we were directed to Admitting where I filled out another form that is just like a dozen other forms I have filled out and then a nurse took us back to sign a dozen more forms and to give us info on our anesthesiologist and I got to sign a form to have a free foot or shoulder massage before surgery.  Yes, ma'am!  Especially since my cousin is the massage therapist.  Also, my aunt is the OR Managing Nurse so my OR team was hand-picked by her and she quilts with my oncology surgeon.  This offers nothing to her skills as a surgeon, but I like that my aunt knows her socially and really likes her.  I feel like I am in pretty good hands. :D  My surgeon said we will be treated like queens.  Roll out the red carpet  when they wheel me out of the OR into recovery maybe.  I'll pack my best red carpet hospital gown and slippers!

Something we have discovered with a major medical situation is that surprises seem to pop up all the time.  Like being reassured that it would be shocking if anything was found on the mammogram. Bam! Biopsies.  99.9% sure there was no cancer. Bam!  Cancer.  Go home with these sample implants and choose a size.  Bam!  Sorry, the plastic surgeon will determine your initial implant size.  Registration and Admitting Pre-Op appointment. Bam!  Let's draw three vials of blood and take a chest x-ray.  Where the hell does a blood draw and x-ray fit into signing papers.  Neither were a big deal, but I like to know what to expect.  

So, that was our afternoon of pre-op appointments. We were both a little drained after we were done and our night started pretty quiet.  For me, I just flat-out don't want to have this done to my body.  I get it is for my health, but I don't want my chest tore apart and then pieced back together to look "normal".  For Tony, he said his biggest worry is something happening to me during surgery.  That breaks my heart.  I have thought about that, but I push that thought out of my mind because I don't want to think about that.  I want to believe all is going to be well on the other side.  I hope I get to that other side quickly and can get used to my new body and be okay with it sooner than later.

My surgery is scheduled for Wednesday at noon.  From what I have read it looks like surgery with the reconstruction could take 3-4 hours.  Ugh!  It doesn't matter to me as I will be sleeping, but I feel bad for Tony and my sister who may be keeping him company.  That is a long time to wait for a loved one in surgery.  That is brutal.  :(   What hasn't been lately, I ask?

We had to make plans for our kids for after school.  A wonderful family friend, Grandma Sandy, is going to come to our house at 3:30 to be here when the kids get home.  My girlfriend, S, will have Ty for the day and will bring him to our house after her son gets out of school and more wonderful friends, C & L, will make sure our girls get home after school.  It is a crazy bunch of organizing, but it worked out just fine.  Thanks to two fantastic ladies at Tony's office we will have dinner to put in the crockpot before we head to the hospital so there will be dinner at our house in the evening for the crew waiting at home.  Tony has my list of people I want contacted, he has his list, my grandma is lined up to pass post-surgery details onto my dad's side of the family and I will ask my sister to contact my dad and siblings.  Tony will also be posting to our gym's Facebook group page and to his status so keep an eye out for that.  As soon as I am able I will do the same.  It might be a little while so hang tight! :)  I think our bases are covered for Wednesday.

We have help lined up.  One of my sisters is coming tomorrow night, will head home Wednesday and then come back Friday to help for the weekend.  My dad will be home Thursday for at least a week and my other sister will be home next Thursday for the weekend.  Thanks to our gym we have some meals coming our way courtesy of some generous cooks so my family won't starve while I am down.  Which they wouldn't anyways because Tony does most of the cooking even when I am well. :D  My hairstylist and friend even offered to shampoo and fix my hair for me because I won't be able to lift my arms past 90 degrees for quite a while.  Fabulous!

So, as far as we know we might...kind of ... maybe...have things somewhat organized and we are ready for this.....umm, like I said, kind of, sort of.  I really don't think we will know exactly what we will need until we are in the middle of it.  So thank you to everybody who has offered us a helping hand.  We greatly appreciate it and you just might hear from us! ;)  Much love to all of you!

{nothing but love}

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful my gym is?  If you aren't working out at a CrossFit gym you are sorely missing out.  Wonderful things have been happening for me lately at our gym and because of our gym.  Here are just a few things that I want to share about our gym.  A bit random and varied, but all things with a common denominator.  CrossFit Flathead.

In addition to my wonderful family I am also blessed to have my CrossFit Flathead family that I spend time with four to five days/week.  This family starts with Coach B.  Coach B cares about each of his athletes and is at our gym for hours nearly everyday with one sole purpose, to make each of us stronger physically and mentally.  I have been fortunate enough to enjoy this first hand while I was training for our CrossFit Games Sectionals and Regionals competitions.  I spent many hours training with Coach B's perfect push and encouragement through countless workouts.  He pushes you when you don't think you can do one more rep or add five pounds for a new PR.  He knows what the human body is capable of and won't let you short yourself.  He was always in my ear hollering at me to get back on the bar to bust out all the pullups or pick the bar up to finish another set.  But, after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and even the couple of weeks leading up to my diagnosis while waiting for tests and results my coaching from him changed to give me exactly what I needed. 

First let me give you a little summary of how I feel at the gym and what makes me go most days of the week.  Physically I feel fine.  My body isn't in pain or hurting, but my soul and mental state is and that affects every part of my body.  My limbs feel like lead weights.  I'm not focused.  I'm distracted.  I don't really care about the workouts.  Sometimes, okay, many times I go only because I know I have to keep my body strong and I have limited workouts at my full strength before I start my long(ish) road of recovery.  Sometimes I go because I know I will just hole up in my house if I don't.  I go because I want to see these people who I have built friendships with that I have grown to love as my CF family.  Sometimes I go because I just want to see my CrossFit mom or I need a "Buf" hug.  How many of you get this from your gym????  You are missing out on something wonderful if you aren't at a place that fills you up like this or if you aren't experiencing this kind of community. 

So, this is how I have been feeling many days when it comes to the gym.  I really don't feel like going and moving.  My coach knows this.  Before he used to push me to keep going even when I didn't want to or if I put the bar down in the middle of a set, now I get gentle encouragement, a "great job" or he just lets me go through my workout.  When I broke down crying in the middle of a workout he came right over to me and got me to pick up the bar and stuck with me through most of the remainder of the workout so I would finish.  Just the other day when I showed up for "the" benchmark workout "Fran" he wrapped me up in a "Buf" hug and said he had been waiting for me all day and he knew I was going to get a PR.  I told him I didn't think today was the day because I had been crying off and on all day.  He just said, "Ok, we're just going to move and get through the workout."  For the first time since I joined CrossFit I quit a workout.  I have got to a point in workouts where I have  said, "I can't do this" and he would say something like, "Yes, you can!  Pick up the bar and go!"  Not on "Fran" Friday.  I dropped the bar in my second set of thrusters, started to tear up and said, "I just can't do this today" and for the first time ever in my time at CrossFit Coach B said, "Ok.  Do a couple of front squats and some pullups."  I was just given the permission to quit a workout and of all workouts "Fran".  Somehow being given the permission to quit by my coach didn't seem right.  At the exact same time this thought went through my head, "I am not going to let this damn cancer make me quit my first WOD ever."  I picked up the bar and kept picking away at it.  It was slow and not pretty.  I stopped in the middle of my workout to cheer Tony on.  I added 2:15 to my "Fran" PR (personal record).  BUT, I finished it and didn't quit.  I was okay with that.  I told a friend that took 1:00 off her time that I took one of her minutes for her.  I took one for the team. :-)  I'm okay with that. 

Tangent....Taking One for the Team...

Maybe I'm taking one for the team getting breast cancer.  Making my friends and family aware that this breast cancer thing is real and it doesn't discriminate due to age, health, fitness level or lack of risk factors.  I have no risk factors for breast cancer and actually have many things playing in my favor to NOT get breast cancer.  Cancer doesn't care.  You HAVE to be an advocate of your own health.  Make it top priority.  Ladies, do your monthly self breast exams.  Get to know your breasts and what your normal feels like. Pay attention and don't be afraid to have something suspicious checked out.  Follow your instinct.  Us ladies are good at that. I was told by my doctor that he was 99.9% sure there was no breast cancer and he would be shocked if the mammogram showed anything.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  I don't think this is a "glass half empty" way of thinking.  I think it is realistic.  It could be nothing, but it could be something.  You have to be ready, or as ready as you can be, for good or bad news, because you don't know.  You can be positive and know that whatever comes your way you will handle it and take care of it the best way you can because that is all you can do. 

Sorry about the tangent, onto more wonderful things at CrossFit. :-)  Last week Tony told me to wear my favorite workout clothes to the gym for our Saturday morning workout out. Huh?  He said, "That's all I'm going to say."  Hmmmm, no idea what that was about.  So Saturday rolls around and our friend who is a chiropractor joined us at the gym to set up his table to give our athletes some chiropractic care after the workout if they were interested.  He did this several weeks ago so I thought nothing of it.  Well, before the workout he came up to me and said, "My sister-in-law who is a photographer is coming to take pictures of you working out so you have pictures before your surgery." OMGoodness!  How cool is that?!  It was so fun.  A little weird at times knowing somebody is following you around taking your pic while sometimes doing moves and lifts just so she can get some pictures (I wish I would have remembered to swing a kettlebell! I always like KB pics), but it was fun and I partnered with Tony for the WOD so we will have pics of us working out together.  I was even able to bust out a muscle up after the WOD for a pic.  Not pretty, as usual, but I got one.  I want to thank P for thinking of doing this for me.  It was so thoughtful and I appreciate it so much.  A huge thank you to M for taking the pics.  I can't wait to see them and we need to get both of them into the gym to workout with us! :-)

Last, but not least.  Yesterday morning Tony asked me if I had looked at the CrossFit Flathead site yet.  I said, "No.  Will it make me cry?"  He replied, "I did."  So I clicked on my link to CrossFit Flathead for Sunday, the 30th and this is what I found.  I read it, teared up and read it again.  I don't know if I can even explain exactly what I felt when I  read it...all I can say is I am SO incredibly blessed to be a part of this community.  If you look in the comments you will see it isn't just our community here at CrossFit Flathead.  I was sent prayers from Crossfit Daholenga in Georgia!  This is what CrossFit is about!  It is about the people, the community, being a part of something bigger than you.  Seriously, it leaves me speechless.  It is awesome.  Again, I am SO blessed.  Thank you, thank you, thank you everybody, for all you do.

I am humbled everyday by the people around me, by the love and generosity of these people.  In and out of the gym.  I have said this before and I will say this again.  I know how amazing my friends and family are, but the amazingness (that's a word, right?!) that I have witnessed the past two months leaves me forever thankful to each and every one of you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Today I want to give a special shout out and thank you to my friend, R, from the gym.  She showed up at my house yesterday to help me clean for nearly three hours!  She even tackled the top of our fridge AND the oven.  That is true friendship!  :-) Thanks, again!!!

{soul under construction}

What are you going to do for your soul in 2011?  Here we are already closing in on the end of January already.  Did you make New Year's Resolutions?  I don't like to make New Year's resolutions.  Strike that, I did publicly resolve to quit giving up lattes.  So far so good! :)  For the most part I think if you are going to make changes or set goals for yourself you shouldn't wait until January 1st to do it.  Today is a good day to do that.   So I didn't make any resolutions for the year.  Instead I'm making a list of things I'm going to do for my soul.

• Take care of the never-ending mass of pictures that are stacking up in my computer.  Print them and put them in albums.  Put pictures in frames that have been sitting in my closet unused.  Put together the big collage of family pics that I have been wanting to do along my stairs.


• Take care of things at home.  Sew with Abigail more.  Teach Kenna to sew on her new sewing machine.  Bake with Kenna.  Sort through the clutter piles that weigh on me that have stacked up over the past couple busy years. Try more new Paleo recipes.  Cook more.  Read more to the kids. Play more games. Etc.


• Be creative.  Take fewer orders and sew more for myself.  Try new things.  Use patterns, pattern books and fabric that I have been itching to use, but haven't had the time.  Start a "green" line of bags.  Sew gifts for friends.  Sew items to donate. Do more feel good sewing. Make one Christmas gift per month. Start a sewing bee day with like-minded sewing friends.


• Be patient with myself with my recovery and my slow climb back in the gym.  Beat my "Fran" time somewhere on the other side. New deadlift PR.  Figure out that 2nd pull on the clean and snatch.  Find a jump rope that will make me a double under ninja and get a PR on "Annie".


• Take a trip to Denver to visit one of my best friends.  Take a weekend trip or two to my "beach" within driving distance, Wallace, ID.  I know!  Wallace?? I got so many, "You're going where?" comments when I went for a weekend. I love that little town and I was very pleased to see that it made Budget Travel magazine's "2009 Coolest Small Towns". :) I'm not the only one!  I should blog my Wallace weekend sometime...hmmmm......


• Get a another tattoo. :D


• Take up hot yoga again.


• More dates with my husband.  In home dates, walking dates, shopping dates, coffee dates, hiking dates, overnight dates, driving dates, quiet dates, funny dates, just dates...

So there you have it.  I've put my soul under construction and here are the things I'm going to do for my new and improved soul.  All feel good things and "feel good" is good for the soul.  What are you going to do for your soul?  Make your own list and put it someplace where you will always see it and be reminded of the work you want to do on your soul.  Do something "feel good" for your soul!!

{moving forward}

I can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's been one of those days.  I've been saying this to myself off and on all day.  Tonight I was wrapped up in Tony's arms crying and said, "I don't want this to be me."  I wouldn't wish it on anybody else, but I don't want it to be me. 

On Monday I heard from my plastic surgeon's office that my surgery had been scheduled for next Wednesday, February 2nd.  Thank goodness!  We have been waiting to hear this news.  We couldn't wait to have surgery scheduled so we could see the end of this side of breast cancer.  I was so relieved to know my surgery date and at the same time felt like I was going to throw up.  Anxiety has set in and I expect will become a little more everyday until next Wednesday.  I am feeling very comfortable with my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy, but having a date scheduled for surgery makes it very, very real.

I was thinking today while I was driving around enjoying my happy place latte that I have never had a big surgery and here I am getting ready to have huge surgery.  This isn't your everyday make an incision, fix something up and sew you back up kind of surgery.  This is cut you open, throw away that piece, remove all of that and throw it away and then shove something foreign in its place to fill it back up.  Oh, yeah and come back three months later to add a couple more parts and then stop back in for a little ink.  This is huge surgery that I have not choice, but to be ready for.  I am kind of feeling like my body is going to be defaced and pieced back together.  Frankenstein boobs that will hopefully turn into pretty ones when all the reconstruction and healing are done. 

I have two things going on in my head.  Glass half empty . . . I have a sense of dread about the other side.  I don't want to see my breasts after surgery or the following 12 weeks.  I'm seriously going to try my best not to make eye contact with my new girls post-surgery.  I don't want to see them unfinished and not pretty as they heal.  I'm afraid of choosing implants that are going to be too big for my comfort even though I am not trying to go big at all.   Glass half full . . . I am trying so hard to be okay with how my body is going to be.  Afterall, there is nothing I can do about it.  I have no choice (cancer does that, takes away your choices), but to make it my new normal, my new me.  I am getting a "free" boob job on my insurance and that is making good use of those insurance premiums!  Most importantly I will be cancer free.  I'm trying hard to hang out in this part of my brain.  My head and heart wants to be okay with this.  I don't want to dwell on this afterwards.  My goal is to move forward. 

Moving forward.  Having surgery is going to allow me to do this.  Right now I am in a holding pattern, there is nowhere to go.  I was given a surgery date and all of a sudden I could see the lights on the runway leading me to the end of the first leg of this little cancer flight.  A little layover in the hospital and then catch my flight to my cancer free destination.  I'm so ready to be there.  I was there before but truly didn't appreciate it.  I never thought that I would be a statistic, 1 in 200,000 women that get breast cancer every year.  I guess most people don't appreciate being cancer free until they no longer are cancer free and have to fight their way back.  I am thankful everyday that my fight is going to be shorter and "easier" than fights that many others have fought, but it is still a tough fight.  It is still cancer and I am tired of hearing medical professionals say, "Oh, you have the good kind of cancer."  Really?!  Is there really a good kind of cancer? I think that is the stupidest thing I have heard in the past seven weeks.  And what is stupid that I have heard it more than once.  "Oh, you have the good kind of winter boots."  Not stupid. "Oh, you have the good kind of perfume." Not Stupid.  "Oh, you have the good kind of cancer." Stupid.  You get it.  That statement doesn't make me feel any better about losing my breasts to this evil disease.  It takes a lot from you no matter what kind of breast cancer you have.  It leaves you to pick up the pieces to start building yourself back up.  Physically and metally.  But, I'm guessing on the otherside is a stronger and better me.  I know I can build myself up.  It is going to take patience and time.  Time I have, patience no so much, but I will learn!  I have amazing support and people that are willing to help me build myself up, encourage me and pick me up when I have a bad day.  I don't know what people do that don't have a strong support system.  It saddens me to think about that because I couldn't have done this without my friends and family behind me.  I'm truly blessed and hope that everybody that is faced with cancer finds one person to support them and hold their hand when they need it.  Just one person can make a difference.  Thank you everybody for making a difference in my life!

Enjoy one of my recent messages from a friend.  It made me laugh and I love anything that makes me laugh. :-)

"For what it is worth. February 2 is a strong mojo day. Not only is it ground hog day, but it is also the anniversary of my divorce which is a sacred day in our house. This year I bequeath you all of my 2/2 good mojo so don't be surprised if you are a bit light headed as a result. You can also borrow what ever strength you may need from me."