{breast cancer revisited}

Last week I found out a dear friend of mine has breast cancer. Her sibling called me to tell me because she wasn't up for a phone call yet and wanted to talk to me a little bit about it. It was like somebody sucker punched me. I knew that someday somebody I knew or a friend of mine would get this horrible news, that she had breast cancer. I just wasn't prepared for it to be so close to home or so soon after I had just gone through this. Every emotion, every fear, every worry came flooding back. It opens up a wound that is still pretty raw. A wound that is pretty healed over, but cancer is such a deep cut that it takes a long time for it to totally heal and feel strong enough of to withstand any kind of blow. It makes me sick to my stomach that my friend is feeling everything that I felt. I can feel all of it like it was yesterday or like I am still in the middle of it. The uncertainty, the feeling that the process can't move fast enough, the fear that it will spread and grow while you are playing the horrible "waiting game", every unknown that you worry about, everything that makes you want to sit in the corner of your couch and cry and just be sad and scared.

We have exchanged texts over the past week and today we met over tea to talk. She wanted to be flooded with information, knowledge. Knowledge is power. I feel it is just knowing what to expect that can ease some of the fears. That is what I wanted to share with her. I didn't have that. I didn't have anybody that had recently been in my shoes to give me this information. Somedays I felt like I was floundering for something that would tell me what it would be like on the other side. So I told her things that I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been prepared for what my reconstructed breasts were going to look like when I woke up. How horribly swollen they were and how bruised I was, that I have pictures of a few of the recovery stages if she would like to see them. How you won't be able to push yourself up to a seated position in bed with your arms because it hurts so bad. That a chair that reclines a bit with an ottoman was so much more comfortable than my bed. The tingling as the tissue heals and the itching that you can't satisfy because your breasts are numb and you can't feel anything when you touch them. The uncomfortable contraction of the pec muscles as the stretch and heal. The tightness and range of motion you lose in your chest and arms. Be diligent about getting it back. There were so many things I wanted to share with her that I didn't know going into this.

We talked about so much in three hours over tea and could have stayed longer (as it was longer would have been okay since we both already had a parking ticket by the time we left). I just wanted to say something that would totally ease her mind. But, I know from experience there isn't anything that can be said that does that. Until the waiting game is over, the cancer is gone and the recovery has run it's course there isn't anything that can be said that really eases your mind. So all I can do is be there for whatever she needs from me.

After I was diagnosed a friend told me that maybe this happend to me because I was meant to slay the dragons so that I could help somebody one day. I think today I helped her, she needed somebody to talk to that fully understood. It helped me, too. It helped to talk about it and remember all that I have overcome and it is always good for the soul to help and comfort somebody you care about. So I guess I did slay a dragon so that I could one day help somebody slay their own dragon. I still wish I hadn't had to and I so wish she wasn't right now. But, it is what it is and we both move forward in each our forward directions. She has always been such a wonderful friend and was a wonderful friend when I was doing my slaying. But, now we have this connection. A connection that many people can't understand unless you have been there. An understanding of fear, worry and the unknown. Breast cancer makes sisters of two people that wouldn't have had that bond otherwise. I'm blessed to have this friend and I wish her all the strength and peace this world has to offer. Dragons beware and prepare to be slain.

{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{a teary, wonderful milestone}

What were you doing six months ago? I was doing something pretty spectacular. I was becoming cancer free. Actually right at the time that I am typing this I already was thanks to the hands of an amazing surgeon. Today I had my first six month follow up appointment with my oncology surgeon. Until I am five years cancer free I will go into see her for regular checkups. For two years I will see her every six months, for three more years I will see her every 12 months, more frequently if there are any concerns.

My appointments will pretty much consist of a breast exam and to address any concerns that I might have. You might wonder why a breast exam since I had mine removed. Well, it is impossible to remove every single breast cell so the breasts, underarms and the area around the collar bone are examined paying special attention to the outer edges of where the breast tissue was removed. My surgeon told me that I have very healthy skin and that played a large roll the success of my recovery. She said if she has to do surgery on a "30-something" woman, it is nice to have to do it on a healthy one. For some reason I have more scar tissue on my left side, but continuing to work with my physical therapist with help with that. She told me that my plastic surgeon does a very good job and only about 10% of women will have the results I did and she was very happy I was one of them. :-) So am I!! I was also informed I would not have to have regular mammograms anymore. I have been told by other survivors to consider having them on the small chance that cancer reoccurs in the small bit of breast tissue that was left behind. I will research that and discuss it with my doctor at my one-year checkup.

I also brought my $48 mastectomy tank with me and asked if she had a patient that could use it. I have no use for it and it seemed such a shame to just toss it out when there is probably a woman out there without insurance that can use it. Sure enough they have a bank of items available to patients in need. It felt good to leave it for a strong woman that was going to hopefully conquer her own battle. At the end of my appointment my doctor handed me a sheet to keep filed away with my important papers that listed everything I had done, the date of my mastectomy and reconstruction, what my diagnosis was and the date diagnosed, the doctors I had, etc. She said thirty years down the road if the information was needed I would have it all in one place. A very nice piece of paper to have. When she was going through the information I discovered my cancer had been upgraded from Stage 0 to Stage 1 because of the small invasive tumor that was found during my surgery. For some reason this kind of made my stomach sink even though it is of no danger to me anymore. I guess I just liked the sound of Stage 0 better than Stage 1. She also handed me a pamphlet titled, "Now What? Resources for Healthy Survivorship." It is a pamphlet her office had printed up that included general appointment and mammogram schedules, other general post-recovery information and a list of local rehab and support group resources. A very useful list of information, all in one place, in one small packet.

I left my appointment into the warm, sunny day smiling and feeling just flat out happy!!! I expected a clean bill of health, but having your brilliant surgeon tell you is such a different feeling. I also didn't expect to be affected so emotionally by my check up. I had to keep myself from tearing up on the drive home. I walked in the door smiling and told Tony I was given a clean bill of health he smiled and kissed me. That was when I wrapped my arms around him, he wrapped me up in his arms and I cried. Six months cancer free. It is a good place to be. I was never fearful for my life after I was diagnosed, but I was scared on so many occasions, frustrated on just as many occasions and just sad on many other days. Thankfully I think I have felt better more often than not and I am proud of myself for that. I feel one of my biggest battles is to be a more positive person and overall I feel I have faced this time of my life head on with a good attitude. A friend who is having some health concerns right now asked me for some advise. All I could tell her is that you have to take everything moment by moment. I also told myself many times that regardless of news that I received there wasn't anything I could do about it, nothing I could do to change the news. My only option was to move forward and begin my journey to the recovery side. One day at a time is the only way to get to tomorrow.

Last week a friend said, "Six months already?! Though I'm sure it feels much longer to you." Looking back it really seems crazy that six months have passed. However, there were certain stages of that six months that felt like they would never pass. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. On my one month mark of being cancer free a friend said, "Before you know it it will be one year!" I vividly remember getting a sick feeling in my stomach and thinking "I can't even think about one year!" It seriously felt like a lifetime away. Now I think it will be here before I know it. At many points of my recovery all I wanted was for 2011 to come to an end. Not anymore. I'm over the worst of it and now I just get to live free of anything weighing on me. No waiting for tests, surgeries or appointments, no recovery, no limitations or restrictions. Now I just get to move forward and it is a beautiful place to be. I am so thankful for everyday, I look forward to turning 40, 41, 42, etc, I cherish my husband and my family, I recognize the people that matter most to me, I know the value of true friendship and most importantly I recognize the strength and courage that I possess. Recognizing this strength and courage will get you through the worst days of your life. I was watching NY Ink a couple months ago (this won't surprise many of you that know me!) and there was a guy featured on the episode that was getting a tattoo in memory of his mother that had passed away in the past year. After it was finished he said something along the lines of it being a constant reminder of his mother and knowing she was with him all the time and he was just going to go out and live his life having nothing but good days because after losing his mother there could be no bad days because that was the worst day of his life. I have lost my mom, a best friend and I have had cancer. After experiencing those things there aren't anymore bad days. So I am taking my strength and courage, I am waking up everyday and I am having good days. There are no bad days left.

What Cancer Can Not Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the spirit.

{work it baby}

Work it! That's what I have been doing in the gym. In fact, two-three days per week I am doing two-a-day workouts. My chiropractor and fellow athlete asked me "Why two-a-days? Are you making up for lost time?" No, I wouldn't say I am making up for lost time. I am just impatient and I want to get to where I was before and get there as soon as I can, but only as fast as my body will let me. I have lost time in the gym. I'm not going to get that time back. So, I make the best of the time that I have in the gym. I have the luxury of being able to hit the gym twice a day a few days a week. I have a coach that knows what I need to do and what I am capable of to get my strength back. I have the desire to be stronger than I was before. I have "the strength to rise". But, on the road to every rise there are speedbumps. :( Fortunately, for me I may be hitting my first speedbump. About ten days ago while doing pullups I started to have some new pain right at the site where one of my hernias was repaired. I'm wondering if I may have tore one open again. Ugh! I had a quick chat with my coach to see if he thinks I tried coming back too hard. He didn't think so. I haven't been moving a crazy amount of weight. I'm avoiding the movements that my surgeon said she wanted me to stay away from for a couple more weeks. I'm listening to my body and I listen closely. I take an extra rest day when I need it and I avoid a movement if it doesn't feel right even if it felt right the day before. In fact, my belly started hurting doing a movement that my surgeon said would be okay. I'm hoping it is just some tightness from scar tissue starting to stretch out with new movements and I'm worrying about nothing. I will find out on Tuesday when I pay an early visit to my surgeon at 11 weeks post surgery. I'm saying many little prayers that I won't have to have another surgery to repair another hernia. So tomorrow I will workout like I have been, carefully and mindful of what my body is telling me.

So, I have my workout journal sitting beside me so I can update my last ten days in the gym. Our workout journals are a great tool to our success in the gym and are kept in a file cabinet in the gym. Everyday we write down the date, the workout, what weight, box height or modifications we used, if the workout was scaled and our time if the workout was "for time". It is also a place to write down what was going on for the day in your world. Did you eat right? Did you eat crap for the day or the night before? Were you running on very little sleep? Anything else that you might find important for the day that may affect your workout. I also add what time I workout. All of this is important so when a workout comes back around in the gym you can look back and compare workouts to see how you have progressed over time. Last week I opened my journal and found it is also a place for a little special note from my hubby. :)

Read on for my workouts on my road back to before.

July 15, 2011
"Nutts" WOD #1
10- Dumbbell Press 15#
15-Deadlifts 95#
25 Box Jumps 18"time
25 Pullups
100 - Front squats 15# (last 40 reps I did thrusters)
200 - Double Unders
400m run
19:31

WOD #2 "Press Ladder"
Dumbbell Press 10 reps
5-8-10-15-20-25(2)
Dumbbell Push Press 8 reps
15-20-25-30(6)

July 18, 2011
WOD #1
On top of the minute 3 burpees- complete 75 thrusters, 45#.
7:43

WOD #2
Deadlift
10 reps @ 75#
8 reps @ 95#
6 reps @ 135#
4 reps @ 155#
3x3 reps @ 165#

July 19, 2011
Back Squats #115
5-5-5-5-5
Bent Over Row
12-12-12-12
65#-70#-70#-70#
Straight Leg Deadlift
8-8-8-8-
95#-95#-105#-115#

July 23, 2011
WOD #1
Snatch Balance
3-3-3-3-3
45#-50#-55#-65#-65#
then:
30 situps
30 double unders
3 rounds for time: 3:50

WOD #2
Dumbbell Bench Press Ladder-feet up
10 reps
10#-15#-20#-25#-30#

July 24, 2011
Outrigger Canoe Rowing at Whitefish Beach!!!
Gorgeous sunny day with great people!!

{bake'n eggs}

Time for a new recipe. I made these for the first time quite awhile ago and just made them for the second time tonight. I came across this recipe in a kid's cookbook by DK Publishing, "Kid's Fun and Healthy Cookbook".

Most of this cookbook is irrelevant to our family. Though the recipes are fun, nearly all of them aren't considered healthy by what we generally eat. We really try our best to avoid grains, legumes and dairy in our diet. Following a Paleo diet that is closely followed by the CrossFit community. However, this cookbook is easy and fun for kids to use and this recipe was perfect and just like the cookbook boasted, fun!

Baked Eggs and Ham

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Lightly brush four holes of a large muffin tin with a little oil. This prevents the ham from sticking.

Arrange a slice of ham in each hole. Carefully tirm the slices to make them even, but make sure that the ham is still slightly above the edge of the tin.

One by one, crack an egg into a small bowl and pour it into each ham-lined hollow. Bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes, or until the egg has set. BLOGGER NOTE: I had to bake these at least 20 minutes for the white to be totally firm. Any kind of egg white slime gives me the heebie-jeebies! Ugh!

Using oven mitts, remove the tray from the oven and leave it to cool for a few mintues. Carefully lift out the egg cups with a small spatula. Belly up and enjoy!

These pics were from the first batch I made awhile back. As you can see I have "blackened ham" which isn't quite the culinary treat as "blackened salmon". I baked these in my top oven which is small and the ham was pretty close to the element so the ham got pretty crispy. The second batch I made the other night turned out perfectly in my full-size oven.

{here we go}

Part of my plan for this blog was to document my workouts on my road back to "before" in the gym. I searched high and low on the internet trying to find good info and training guidelines for recovery after a mastectomy and reconstruction. In all of my research I came across ONE article about a fellow CrossFit athlete that was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 32. Her cancer was more advanced than mine. She had a mastectomy, lymph node removal and started chemo three weeks later. She had reconstruction done a year later. Before my first surgery I emailed her and she emailed me right back with very encouraging words and directed me to her blog, Living Strong: Staying CrossFit, Healthy and Cancer Free. She documented her workouts from the very beginning of her recovery. I have to say I failed in this regard. I had planned to do the same thing and fell short. That's okay. I am going to slowly post my workouts starting after my first surgery and then do a separate post with links to those series of blog posts. So if you are here looking for these workouts please be patient and look for a link to those workouts on the right side of my blog.

For now I am going to start with my first workout post-surgery #2. My second surgery was a little bit more involved than I had originally anticipated. I had a couple small hernias near my belly button and my ab muscles had separated with my first pregnancy so while I was under for the second stage of my reconstruction my surgeon fixed all that up for me. She repaired the hernias, sutured my ab muscles back together and she did liposuction on my abdomen to redistribute around my implants to soften up there appearance. Let me quickly say that this part of my reconstruction was the best thing that was done. I think this made me the most comfortable and pleased with my new body and that is a huge thing. With all the additional ab work I couldn't workout at all until six weeks post surgery. (Had it not been for the works on my abs I would have been back in the gym about a week post-surgery.) That was a BRUTAL wait! So, my workouts started then. Well, about "then". :) I snuck back to the gym three days before the six week mark. I couldn't stand it anymore.

At my six week appointment I was given the okay to workout avoiding specific chest and ab movements for another couple weeks. Per an email exchange with my surgeon she also said no heavy weight overhead and no movements that put a strong contraction on my pecs. Coach said we are going to start with just getting my body moving again. I won't go great guns until September. Just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness month in October and "Grace". :)

During my workouts I wear a compression sleeve on my left arm where lymph nodes were removed during my mastecomy. Wearing the sleeve is a precautionary measure to help prevent lymphedema. Lymphedema can occur when the lymph system has been damaged or compromised. In the case of breast cancer, when some or all of the lymph nodes have been removed to test if the cancer has spread or to remove infected lymph nodes. I bought a sleeve locally at a medical equipment store. It is your basic "granny beige" color. It does the job, but is ugly so I did a little searching online and found something a bit more my style! :) Please, ladies, don't give into ordinary and boring!!

Read on for the workouts. If you aren't interested in the workouts, please go about your day. :)

June 17, 2011
First day back in the gym after surgery #2
5 weeks, 4 days post surgery

3rd CrossFit Regionals WOD
Deadlifts-10 lb bar
Box steps-18" box
21-15-9
Felt SO good to move not just watch!

June 18, 2011
20 box steps - 18"
200m run
30 squats
200m run
60 singles jumps + 10 double unders
200m run
5 knee pushups
200m run
For time: 8:28

June 20, 2011
Snatch- 10#
Jumping Chest-to-Bar pullups
21-15-9
For time: 10:20

June 21, 2011
In warm up:
Overhead Squats
5-5-5
15-20-30
WOD:
Back Squats
5-5-5-5-5
65-70-75-80-85
Then:
Dumbbell Push Press Ladder
10 reps each weight until you can't move on
5-10-15-20-25 (3 reps)

June 24, 2011
"The Filthy 50s"
scaled to 30 reps each
Box Jumps-18" box (did 40 reps)
Jumping Pullups
Dumbbell Swings 15#
Walking lunges
Knees Raises on the pullup bar
Push Press 20#
GHD Hip Extentions
Wall Ball Shots 6#
Plank Burpees
(Burpees not dropping all the way to the floor only to a plank position to avoid the pushup and direct work to my pecs)
Double Unders
For time: 15:36

June 25, 2011
Bent over row 1/2 body weight goal 65# (this was half my body weight!!)
12-12-12-12
Deadlift - body weight goal 115#
9-9-9-9
Dumbbell Press Both arms, then alternate 10#
6-6-6-6
Sled Pull 2x120' 145#
HSPUs - to 2 abmats
6-6-6-6
Great lift day!!!

June 27, 2011
"Fight Gone Bad"
3 rounds
1 minute each movement, rest one minute between rounds

Wall Ball Shots 6# 31-25-27
Deadlift High Pulls 45# 23-19-20
Box Jumps 12" 20-21-21
Push Press 30# 26-26-27
Row (for calories) 13-11-14
Total: 324

12 Day Vacation-Did a few workouts while on vacation. Mostly I read and got a tan. :)

June 30, 2011
Front Squat
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3
45-50-55-60-65-70-75-80
Then:
10 Dumbbell swings 15#
15 Push Press 25#
20 Good mornings
3 rounds

July 1, 2011
1-1 1/4 mile run

July 5, 2011
15 ring rows
20 plank burpees
30 dumbbell swings 15#
30 dumbbell push press 10#
60 Double Unders
70 squats
80 walking lunges

July 10, 2011
2 mile run - 18:31

Back home in the gym-Tan and ready to fully move forward!!!

July 11, 2011
Press 1-1-1-1-1
Push Press 3-3-3-3-3
Push Jerk 5-5-5-5-5
30-35-40-45-50

July 12, 2011
"Fran"
Thrusters 30#
Toes-2-Bar - I did T2B for the set of 21 and about 8 of the 15 and then finished up with pullups.
21-15-9
For time: 6:31

July 13, 2011
Today I started two a days MWF. I will do a metcon and a lift of some sort on these days.
WOD #1
"Helen"
400m run
21 dumbbell swings
12 ring rows
3 rounds for time: 13:14

WOD #2
Back squat
10-10-10-10-10
45-55-65-75-85

{gentlemen, start your engines}

On June 21st I had my six week appointment with my plastic surgeon and I was given the okay to workout with some lingering restrictions. No movements that specifically target my abs or chest, but I could go overhead. She said, no crunches (um, what are crunches?) and no bench press (um, we don't really bench press). So this has been the problem with tackling workouts in the gym through this process of recovering after both of my surgeries. Since we don't work out like you would in a typical gym it is hard to determine what exactly can I do? We do functional movements. We use our entire body. We usually don't target a specific muscle or muscle group unless it is a lift day, which isn't as often as a metcon day (metcon=metabolic conditioning). So I leave most of this problem solving up to my coach and I listen to my body. Coach said that to start with we are just going to work on getting my body moving again. I will be gaining strength at the same time, but I won't be working with heavy weight. I can't put a lot of weight overhead for a few more weeks, but I have lost so much upper body strength that I can't anyways so that isn't a problem. Just getting my body moving again and regaining flexibility is key. I have noticed that I have to remind all my body parts how to work together again. Box jumps feel clumsy. Double unders feel a little out of control. I've lost core strength so overhead squats and snatch work feels wobbly. Everything just has to learn to work together again.

So as of today I am finally back in the gym full on. I had a little teaser week of being able to workout before we went on vacation and we worked out a couple times while we were gone, but today I am back without interruptions. No long vacations coming up, no prior commitments, just time in the gym. My main goal for the next year is to regain my strength, get back to where I was before and actually aim higher than that. I want to be able to do the sectional workouts, PR on "Grace" and do "Amanda" straight up. "Amanda" is going to take awhile. I think she will be the last to get checked off my list. I'm not sure that the sectional workouts will happen next year, but that's okay. I will judge and count again. "Grace"...I think I will see that PR first.

So my journey back to before begins. Like I said I had a bit of a teaser before we left on vacation for about two weeks. Don't tell my surgeon, but I actually put in three workouts before she gave me the okay. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to move my body and I was tired of watching workouts everyday in the gym. I needed to be a part of it again. I feel like for six months I have been left behind while everybody else moved forward. My legs ached from so little activity. My body is used to so much more. So, I went back three workouts early. Coach came over to me while I was warming up and said, "So, tell me what the doctor said." "Umm, well, I don't see her until Tuesday." :) I moved, used little weight and listened to my body for those three workouts and didn't hurt anything. After I was given the go ahead to start working out I sent my surgeon a message and asked her what exactly was being protected by not doing specific chest exercises. I asked so that we could better determine what I could and couldn't do in the gym. So she would understand what we do in the gym and how we workout I sent her the following video. It isn't our gym, but it was a great video showing CrossFit women doing what we do best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8NXbnZMqdE&feature=related

Here was part of the response I got. :)

"Awesome! Even worse than I was afraid of :) Definitely yes to PT and massage now..... It will be 6 more weeks before you should be doing THAT kind of arm lifting/ chest workouts....if you even can--- it will take a number of months to build up again.... What happened to 10# dumbbells and water aerobics.....why don't you scrapbook and make some f-ing curtains like normal women ???? Just kidding....you're doing it all RIGHT!"

Well...said "normal" women and those 10# weights and water aerobics is why I haven't been able to find good information for coming back after a mastectomy and reconstruction for somebody who works out hard and was pretty darn strong when being diagnosed with breast cancer. I think I was stronger and more fit than the general population. From what I have read and was told, many women accept tightness, less strength and limitations as their new "normal". No thank you. This new "normal" isn't acceptable. I lost something when I was diagnosed with cancer, but it wasn't my ability to be strong again. To squat 235 again, to do "Fran" again at a pace that makes me want to puke, to run a 24:00 5K again, to do muscle ups again, to do whatever I want again. I won't accept the aftermath of a mastectomy and reconstruction as the end of my limits. I already know it is going to be a long journey with lots of hard work involved to get back to where I was before. But, I choose that journey because it is better than the purgatory of cancer and surgery that I have been in. I am finally at a point where I get to fully move forward. I am not waiting for the next surgery, my movements aren't really restricted, I don't have weight restrictions, my range of motion isn't limited. So move forward is exactly what I intend to do. I've been given the green flag and I'm going to run with it. I was going to say I plan to work until I come to the checkered flag, but you know what? I hope I never see that checkered flag because that signifies the end of the race and I don't plan to stop. Put a checkered flag on my grave, THAT is when I will stop working toward more for my body.

So, gentlemen, start your engines! The race is about to begin!