{smiles abound)

smile n. a pleased, kind, or amused facial expression, typically with the corners of the mouth turned up and the front teeth exposed.

I still have smiles on my mind.  I have always loved a beautiful smile.  The way they change your mood, change a person's appearance or change the energy in the air.  Your entire day can take a different course because of a smile.  A smile from a stranger can make you believe in the goodness of humanity.  A smile from a baby can make you giggle.  A smile from a love interest can melt your heart.

Since my friend started posting pictures of beautiful smiles I notice them even more.  Smiles on my mind made me immediately think of three pictures that I have saved on my computer.  A picture of each of my kids.  My favorite smile pictures that light  up my kid's faces and speak to each of their beatiful little personalities.

A trio of smiles that make me giggle, believe in the goodness of humanity and melt my heart.

{qualifying for state: day 1}

Boy, did we have a full weekend.  Times have not been dull in our lives lately.  We are up to our gills in kid's activities and I won't even tell you what we figured our monthly dollar amount is that we spend on said activities.  We are looking very forward to late March when several of these activities come to an end!  We have had wrestling, skiing, swim lessons and gymnastics going on at the same time, six days per week of kid's activities which means Tony and I have no social life and no time for date nights!  That's not okay with me, but it is a short while that we have so many things going on at once and then hopefully some of it will start to feel manageable.  Ok, who am I kidding?  Once a couple of these activities end then volleyball and T-ball start and we are right back to where we were before.  Kid's activities didn't seem so crazy until all three of our kids were old enough to participate.  So, like it has been for the past 6 1/2 years we are outnumbered.  There are many days when we need one more parent in our household, one for each kid.  If I had it my way that other parent would also clean and cook.  Especially clean, being so busy with kids stuff we are home long enough to make a mess, but not home long enough to clean it.  I think we will be spending the kid's spring break cleaning and mucking the house which will have them begging for school to start back  up!  Good times for all!

Anyhoo, back to our weekend.  We had a sports filled weekend starting with wrestling.  We had to be in Eureka (an hour NW of us) at 7:30 a.m. Saturday morning so Kenna could weigh in for her state qualifier tournament.  We were a bundle of tired, anxious, excited and unfortunately sick energy.  The night before Kenna ended up feeling sick and getting a fever after her brother started to go downhill.  So we were  hoping the worst of it would hold off and she would have the enegy to give 100% for her tournament.  Coach Dad was excited.  He felt she had a good chance of making it to state.  Kenna is quite a wrestler.

Tony sent me a text during a tournament that I couldn't go to.  "I love the moans and groans from parents when they find out their kid has to wrestle Kenna." :)  It is awesome!  She has quite the repuation for being tenacious and relentless.  It is very much her personality.  She doesn't stop.  She has been this way since she was an infant.  She keeps going and going and going.  While this has the tendency to drive us crazy we have also said this will serve her well someday.  Well, that someday, right now is the wrestling mat. 

Round One. Beginner Bracket, 60#.  She got a pin in 14 seconds!

The week prior to this tournament she won a quick pin trophy, 7 seconds!  That poor boy didn't know what hit him! :)

Round Two.  She got a pin about halfway through the second period.

I had Tony pick the picture for this match.  He said, "Look how deep the half is!", with a proud shake of his head.  I pretend to know what all this means.  I run the camera and scream encouraging mom things at her.  This is where my knowledge of wrestling begins and ends, through the lens of a camera and my lungs.  There is also the throwing of my arms in the air like a victorious Rocky a the end of a training run when she wins.

Round Three.  Loss in overtime.

There were tears and, to me, this is where things started to go downhill a little bit. She wrestled this boy twice last year and beat him twice, both matches going into double OT.  I am positive he remembered her, his coach remembered her and his parents remembered her.  Pardon my language, but his coach was a dick.  She got hurt toward the end of the match so Tony stopped the match.  She got hit in the mouth and was bleeding.  The other coach said it was bull#$&* and his boy should get a point.  The first thing I thought was, "He knows his boy isn't guaranteed a win.  He knows he has a chance of losing to Kenna again."  At the end of the match Tony went up to him and said he was just looking out for the safety of his athlete. The Columbia Falls coach said, "I didn't see her get hurt, she was crying because she got taken down!"  Tony said, "No, she got hit in the mouth and was bleeding." Columbia Falls coach, "Oh" and shook Tony's hand.  This coach didn't represent his team in a positive light on Saturday.  But on a positive note, the boy she wrestled was a little sweetheart and did represent his team in a positive light!  After the match when they shook hands he went right up to her and said, "You did a really good job!" and when they left the mat he made a point to go up to her and say it again to her.  Then when we we went out to eat after the tournament the little boy was at the same restaurant with his family and waved to her.  When we got inside I heard him say, "That's Kenna!" 

It took a bit to get her ready for her next match.  She was sad, she didn't feel good, she took a good smack in the mouth and she was full of tears.  You could see it in her she wasn't ready to go again.  Coach Dad had a good sit down with her and that helped a little bit.  She was sitting in the stands with me and Abigail waiting for her next match and I asked her if she was ready.  She said, "no".  I gave her the usual, you can do this and you are ready, wah, wah, wah , wah, wah, but she couldn't get the tears to turn off.  So I changed  up my mom speech, "You know what Kenna?  That kids coach was a jerk to your dad.  You know why?  Because he knew you that his boy couldn't beat you easily.  He wasn't sure his boy could beat you and he was being a jerk about it.  He knows you are that good.  You know what else? Before that match when you were going onto the mat I heard a dad stop another dad and say, 'have you seen this girl wrestle? You have to watch her.  She is tenacious!'"  I told her, "That's what all these people that don't even know you are saying about you.  These people watch you wrestle every weekend and they know how strong and good you are.  You are that good!"  It worked, her tears slowed down and she sat a little straighter.  There was still sadness in her eyes, but she was a little closer to being ready for her next match.

Round Four.  Three full periods and a loss. :(

My poor girl.  She battled it out to the end.  She got beat up in her last two matches.  But like Tony said, she could have rolled over and gotten pinned, but she didn't.  There were many more tears.  She didn't feel good and took a pounding.  It was a bit more than her tender little heart could handle for  a Saturday morning.  It destroyed her.  She was sitting with Tony on the edge of the mat after her match sobbing when a man came down out of the stands, a man we had never seen before, and he crouched down in front of her and said, "You did a great job.  I have been watching you wrestle and you are the toughest girl I know."  Then he asked Tony if she was his daughter, he said yes and the man responded with, "You are doing a good job!"  This man later saw us at the restaurant and made a point to catch Tony's eye and give him a wave. That is the kind of wrestler my daughter is.  She may not have qualified for state, but she left an impression on people and sometimes that is better than the prize.

I feel bad because I don't think I had a very good mom reaction.  I was frustrated and I didn't want her to "quit".  I wanted her to muster everything she had and beat these boys.  But, I know she did, she wrestled hard and gave it her all.  I didn't want her to cry on the mat.  I didn't want anybody, like the Columbia Falls coach, to think that girls shouldn't wrestled because they will cry when they are down.  But, she is a girl and she has the biggest, most tender, beautiful heart and it is okay to cry when you are sad or you are broken and she was.  What isn't okay is if you stay sad and broken and she didn't.  She rallied and found peace in that tender, beautiful heart.  She knows she is strong and she knows she can wrestle with the best of the boys.  "Play like a girl beat the boys."  She didn't have to prove that to anybody, but she did by doing what she does and doing it well.

So her wrestling season has mostly come to an end.  She will still be able to wrestle at state but just for fun and experience.  Our club is hosting the state tournament and their head coach wants all his beginners to wrestle so there will be a separate bracket so these kids can participate.  Then maybe freestyle season and freestyle state.  We will see.  She wanted to try volleyball and that starts next week.  It's a hard thing. We want her to try different things so we are glad she is going to try volleyball, but Tony and I both hate to see her not be able to give the practice time to wrestling while the season is going on.  I want her to find HER sport though because she is a strong, powerful, natural athlete.  Maybe it is volleyball, maybe next year she will find it is wrestling.  It's a tough call, wrestling will continue to be challenging as she gets older and is up against almost only boys.  There is just a brute strength there that boys have and I think it gets to a point where it is hard for a girl to compete, not that they can't, but it would be tough.  We will wait and see and support her in whatever she chooses.  Gymnastics is still an option, too.  We are just fortunate that she has the opportunity to try so many different things to find what makes her happy.  Whatever it is I hope she does it with the same tenacity that she wrestles with!

{who knew}

I'm trying to give my blog some new life.  I am trying to commit time to it, make it something that people want to continue reading, make it something I am dying to sit down work on.  I'm cleaning it up, adding to it and trying not to be so damn blog illiterate.  I know there must be a lot of fun things I can add to it and make it a place people want to be.  While doing all this to make my blog "the place to be" I am going back through and cleaning up posts that I typed up, but never posted, deleting partially worked on masterpieces, etc.  While doing this I came across a complete blog entry that I never posted and I wondered why?  I like it.  Maybe I was to busy to remember to post it. Maybe I didn't like it at the time.  I don't know, but I am going to post it now.  This goes back to almost a year ago, but I am still posting it because when I read it I was taken right back to that day and I remember all of this vividly.  So read and enjoy and got back to "me" almost a year ago.

May 2011
This is kind of a random post, but it is one of those random posts that prompted me to start this blog. Real experiences. Personal experiences with breast cancer. Not the medical, factual, clinical stuff you can get from your doctor. The personal experience stuff that your girlfriend would tell you. Kind of a "Girlfriend's Guide to Breast Cancer: Stuff Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You". So this is one of those posts. Random, but stuff that I have experienced and that rattles through my head. As always, remember, it's breast cancer, boobs are usually front and center. ;-)

Many people equated my reconstruction with "Woo-Hoo! New boobs!" Ummm, not quite. Well, at least for me, unfortunately, it didn't quite work that way. Very early on in my meetings with my plastic surgeon she told me my experience isn't like somebody coming in to have a breast augmentation. They are choosing to have implants. They want their new body. I didn't have a choice.  Well, I had a choice when I chose reconstruction, but losing my breasts was not a choice. She told me, "You aren't going to love them. You don't want the change in your body. But, I am going to make them as beautiful as possible." And, you know what? I didn't love them. I REALLY, REALLY disliked them for a long time. I would look at them and they looked so unnatural on my body. I have never had much in the "boob" department and for a long time they didn't look anything close to "natural". They were very huge and swollen all the way up to my collar bones. I felt like I had to stand on my tip toes to see out over my boobs. Pre-mastectomy, I had some great cheater bras that provided great false advertising, but at the end of the day when I would get undressed I was greeted with MY body. My body that I have always had. My body that I knew. Now, a new body was looking back at me, a strange, misshapen body.

So, as you can imagine during this process I went through a crazy roller coaster of emotions getting used to my body. At one point I would break down crying every time I saw them in the mirror or had to tend to my incisions. I went through a time of just avoiding looking at them in the mirror. But, then I would have sweet, wonderful moments of "You know what? It is what it is. I will get used to them. They will be okay." These provided a wonderful release of heaviness on my heart. Then I would stumble backwards and loose some ground, but slowly I made it to where I am right now. Where I am now is a lovely, lovely place to be. Dare I say the other side? A point where I can't stumble back far enough to lose ground. I think so. I think I can actually say I am kind of enjoying my new body and digging my new curves. Add Monday's surgery to the mix and I have new tummy curves to add to that. Even all swollen from surgery, bruised all over and not really being able to see anything "pretty" I can totally see that things are coming together so well. I just told a friend I think I am just so happy to be at a point where I just get to heal and truly move forward. No future surgeries or procedures looming in my future. Just heal and get strong.

So with my new body comes some fun stuff, especially moving into summer. New bra wardrobe, new swimsuits, new summer tops. But, not all is what I thought it would be. This is where I have found myself thinking, "Who knew?" Some of the things I thought were going to be very fun aren't as much fun as I thought. Some things are more fun than I expected and some things I just didn't expect. Who knew?

Unless somebody warned you before you went shopping for new bras who knew push up bras are no longer an option with implants? At least implants with a reconstruction. I have no idea how that works with an augmentation. Those babies don't push up. They stay in one place and that push up bra pushes down and just doesn't work. Who knew it is hard to find a selection of bras without push up in them? Who knew I would have to find bras that are shaped exactly like my boobs because their shape doesn't alter at all to fill in bra cups because I no longer have breast tissue, only pec muscle and implants? Who knew that I can now wear fun lace-only, "non-functional" bras because I don't need any support at all in a bra. My girls aren't going anywhere. Who knew I would be totally horrified and in awe at the same time when I tried on a bikini? That is going to take some getting used to and I need to find some bikini tops with a little more coverage if that is possible. Not to comfortable being THAT out there. Who knew I would toss some of my summer tops in the donate pile because I just feel totally obscene in them? Who knew I would discover that I lived in a strapless bra all summer in my summer tops and now realize I am having a hard time finding a strapless bra that works with my new body to wear and enjoy my summer tops? Who knew I would find that I am more comfortable in slim fitting shirts because tops that hang loose off my new body make me feel dumpy and frumpy? Who knew that I would find so many ways that my new body is affecting different clothing choices and that some I am liking and some I am not. Who knew? I am finding that this whole process is a long list of "Who knew?"

When looking for some info on bras and reconstruction I Googled "reconstruction implants bras". I mostly found a lot of breast cancer forums with women asking questions and giving advise based on their personal experiences. While reading through many of these forums I found that I am very thankful for my plastic surgeon, her skill and my experience with my reconstruction. My doctor doesn't like to use tissue expanders to make room for implants. She feels they are old school and in her experience she has found she can bypass the awful experience of the expanders (she just doesn't like them) and go straight to the implants. So many experiences that women posted were reconstruction results they weren't really pleased with going from a tissue expander to an implant. I have no idea if this is how it is in general, but it makes me so thankful that my doctor does reconstructions the way she does, how my reconstruction results turned out and the direction I am going. I'm happy to be where I am now and far more aware of the possibilities of the "who knew" moments so as not to be totally shocked or surprised by anything. Thank goodness for this place that I have come to be right in this moment.

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou

{what makes you happy}

About a year ago, the night before my surgery I quickly posted a blog entry listing many of my happy places and asked for people to quickly post their happy places, because it was a day when happy places where definitely in order!

So, tonight a friend was posting beautiful photos of smiles that just make you happy and smile when you look at them.  So I started thinking of my happy places that make me smile.  One of my happy places is a coffee shop, a hot cup of coffee and a good book.  So I went out looking for a pic that made me think of this happy place.  This was one of the first pics to pop up.  I love hearts!  So this spoke, ok, shouted to my happy place.  Find your happy place, curl up with it and enjoy your life!

What is your happy place? 

{count your blessings}

I have much to be thankful for this November 24th.  Really everyday, but today we are more mindful of our blessings.  This year I am especially mindful of these blessings.  I am thankful for my health.  December 4th will be one year that I discovered lumps in my left breast and on December 22 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am sitting at my dining room table right now with my dad and Tony talking about this.  My dad said he was just thinking about this and when I looked at Tony while talking about this my eyes started to tear up and as I write this I am on the verge of tears.  This has been a year of testing my strength and seeing what I am made of.  I never thought the end of this year would come.  There were days I couldn't even think about the end of 2011 because it felt too far away to even think about.  Days stood still while waiting for tests, waiting for surgery to be scheduled, waiting to heal, waiting for recovery to feel complete, waiting to get back to my before.  But this day has come and I am thankful beyond words for this day.  What I wanted most this year was a healthy body and for my recovery to be complete.  I spent three and a half weeks sitting in a chair in our room, having to take it very easy after two major surgeries.  I spent weeks in the gym doing bare minimum WODs, I spent more weeks slowly building up my strength, slowly waiting for my recovery to feel complete.  This day came in October.  My goal after my first surgery on February 2nd was to do the CrossFit benchmark workout "Grace" at the women's prescribed weight of 95# during the month of October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. On October 15th I reached this goal and put an end to my "recovery".

The ultimate piece of my goal was holding this weight overhead 30 times.  This picture signifies a cancer battle won.  It signifies reaching my goals complete with triumphs and tears.  It represents the very end of my recovery.  I have no limitations, my strength is very close to where it was before and nothing is keeping me from doing what I want in the gym.  This picture shows a survivor.  One I am very proud of for getting to where she is today and how she fought her battle.

Almost eleven months ago to the day I was standing in CrossFit Flathead after getting a phone call from my doctor with horrible news.  My coach was one of the first people I told.  After a huge hug he got on task.  Plans to keep me strong, get me stronger before surgery, keep coming, keep moving.  I am so thankful for his caring heart and knowledge.  Knowing just what my body could do before and after surgery.  Knowing the days to just let me be alone with my workout.  Giving a much needed hug in the middle of a workout when I would breakdown crying.  Letting me quit in the middle of "Fran" which then gave me the strength to keep going.  Everyday I am thankful for my gym family and Coach B for giving me the strength and support to get through days that I couldn't do it myself.  I am thankful for what these people have brought into my life and what our community as a whole brings to this world.

I am thankful for all of my friends and every single thing that each of them brings to my life.  For new friends I have met through CrossFit, online and otherwise.  For friends far away that I talk to every single day.  For friends far away that I don't get to talk to often, but when we do it is like we take everyday.  For coffee dates with friends and a girl's night out with cocktails.  For friends that find the strength to overcome and move forward.  For the health and happiness of my friends.

I am thankful for my kids that make me pull my hair out everyday, but make me laugh and smile even more everyday.  I am thankful for the people that they are.  Sometimes selfish and frustrating, but more often being kind, polite and caring little people that give us a glimpse of the adults they will be.  For finding the joy in silly things like mustaches, awesome cars and Justin Bieber.  For first experiences like broken hearts, boyfriends and makeup. For loving to be active and making healthy choices  for their bodies.  For wanting to help others even if those "others" don't include each other.  I am thankful for being their mom.

But this year I am most thankful for my husband.  The person that completes my life.  I am thankful for his strong shoulders that carried the weight of the family responsibilities and the cancer so I wouldn't have to carry all of it myself.  For his arms wrapped around me while I cried in bed or broke down crying during the day.  For his presence through every test and step needed in my journey to being cancer free.  For the quiet moment sitting on the side of our bed that I will never forget before leaving for the hospital before my first surgery.  For his encouraging words on days that I didn't want to go to the gym.  For caring for me after surgery, changing bandages, emptying drains, washing my hair, shaving my underarms when I couldn't lift my arms, getting my meds, making meals, etc.  For loving my body like it never changed.  For missing the same things that I lost with my "old body".  For being the man in my life that loves me unconditionally with an overflowing heart, patience and forgiveness.  For his goofy silly antics that make me laugh and call him a "goofball".  For his laugh when he finds himself so funny. For his dedication to his job.  For being the kind of man that I want my son to be.  I love you, babe.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!  Be sure to tell those that you love you are thankful for them.  You never want to miss the opportunity to do so.

{the vfwbp}

My blog is titled "CrossFit, Family and Life in Between". It seems like I post a lot about CrossFit and a lot about "Life in Between", but not as much specifically about "Family". So this begins a series of posts dedicated to family.

If you know me, you know that I love baked goodies, cookies, brownies, cake, etc. and I LOVE to bake, especially this time of year. However, because of how we choose to eat I hung up my baking apron a long time ago and rarely put it back on. I miss it. I love the smell of something delicious baking. I love seeing the finished product cooling on wire racks on my countertop. I miss biting into a hot, gooey cookie right out of the oven. I miss looking through my cookbooks and finding new sweet treats to bake on a cold Fall or Winter day. I have three favorite cookie cookbooks. I have had others over the years, but these three made the cut when downsizing my cookbook collection. I still love sitting and looking through them, maybe drooling a little, though I rarely make anything out of them.

I bought this cookbook when we lived in Nevada and I was in my "country" decor and craft phase. There is a whole series of these books. Great country crafts, homey recipes for comfort food and fun family tradition stories and ideas. This is the only one I have left of the handful that I had.

This book has a special place in my heart. If you were to ask me what my favorite gift is that Tony has ever bought for me I would say this cookbook without hesitation. Not long after we were married when we were in college and broke, of course, we were living in married student housing at Montana State University. Tony worked almost full-time at the Safeway grocery store. He came home late one night from work with this $6.95 cookie cookbook for me and said, "I saw this and it made me think of you." It made my heart happy. I love this cookbook. :)

This cookbook is also from my country, crafty phase. I loved the Taste of Home magazines that I got in the mail every other month. The recipes were so yummy and perfect comfort food. But, I soon outgrew these cookbooks as our diet changed, but of course, the cookie cookbook made the cut and still has a permanent place on my cookbook shelf.

So now that my love for everything cookies is pretty apparent, I will get to the main reason for this blog post. I search for and hold onto things that bring me comfort. I love things that make my life feel settled and bring calm to my life. With a busy family of five sometimes that is hard to do. I've decided that I want to bring baking back into my days because it is one of my happy places. I don't mean Paleo friendly baking. I don't care who you are you can't honestly tell me it is the same. The texture isn't the same, the taste isn't the same and the joy of making sinful goodies isn't the same. So I have decided that we are going to start a Vanorny Family Winter Baking Project, a VFWBP if you will. :) Every week we are going to take turns choosing a new sweet treat recipe from our favorite cookbooks and we are going to bake them together. There are going to be messy counters, dirty dishes, fun pictures and great memories. Sometimes we will share our goodies with others. Other times we may decide to finish them off ourselves. Other times I expect there just won't be any left to even consider who to share them with they will disappear so fast. My youngest daughter loves to bake, but rarely gets the chance simply because we don't bake much or eat many baked goods in our house. This bums her out so I am excited for her to do something she loves. We will enjoy in moderation and I expect my workouts on Monday may not feel that great, but for the wonderful memories as a family and hearing Kenna say, "This is going to be SO fun!" I am willing to take that chance.

So our Fall of baking is put into action by Abigail. Yesterday she wanted to make a spice cake, but we didn't have the ingredients for the frosting she wanted so she decided on pumpkin bread instead. We all agreed it got two thumbs up!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Ingredients
3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 (16 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup water

Directions
In a large bowl, combine sugar, oil and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine dry ingredients; add to the pumpkin mixture alternately with water. Pour into two greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 60-65 minutes or until bread tests done. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack; cool completely.

I think this was best after it was cooled, wrapped up and sat overnight. Yummo! So moist and delicious! Enjoy!

{amazing things happen}

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer I ran into a friend. She told me a little story about a gal she knows that is a survivor. Well after she had gone through treatment she received a call from a breast cancer organization asking for donations. She told them she had given breast cancer enough and wasn't going to give it anymore. Part of me was saddened by this, that cancer can have such a strong effect on somebody even after you are healthy and healed again. Part of me could also understand her way of thinking and I wondered if I would feel the same after all was said and done. When the Relay for Life came around I kept thinking that I should make the effort to join a team or start a team at our gym. I didn't have it in me. A small part of me felt that way. I don't have anymore to give to cancer. Then October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, rolled around and a dear friend of mine found herself going through what I did. All of a sudden I felt this desperate feeling that I couldn't NOT do something to raise awareness, for my friend, for other women I know, for women who will be diagnosed, for me. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way when October rolled around. All along I had thought about doing some kind of workout or fundraiser, but I didn't know if I would actually get around to making it happen. Well, happen it did.

With one week to plan (our original date was opening day of hunting season and you don't mess with hunting season in our neck of the woods) I jumped in feet first into planning chaos. Okay, not really chaos, but busy, craziness. By nature I am NOT a fundraising kind of girl. I don't like asking friends (usually only friends) for money or to buy things from my kids. Anytime that our kids have been involved in activities that involve fundraising we skip the fundraiser and just make a personal donation. Fundraising brings images of kids selling magazines, wrapping paper and other overpriced trinkets. Girl Scouts tempting us with their annual cookie sales (One of the last times I bought Girl Scout cookies they sat in my pantry untouched for about a year. How does that even happen one might ask? Honestly, I have no idea.) Then somewhere along the way the Boy Scouts jumped on board and started selling popcorn. Thank goodness for my arse they quit selling chocolate covered caramel corn. It's my kryptonite! So this is what comes to mind when I think of fundraising. I don't like fundraising because it seems so little of the amount sold actually goes to the organization. I just researched this a bit regarding Girl Scout Cookies. The troop that does all the work selling mass quantities of cookies keeps about 14% of the sales, about $.49/box. I know there are other costs to be covered, but those girls and troop leaders work their tail off to sell those cookies.

So like I said, I'm not a fundraising kind of girl, except, for this time. This time it is personal. This time it is something I believe in. This time it is something that brings tears to my eyes when I sit and think about it. This time it is something that is SO important to the lives of so many women. This time not planning something wasn't an option. So with one week to plan I went way out of my comfort zone to pull together something that is so important to me. Something that makes my chest ache because I feel like I can't do enough.

During the month of October, CrossFit gyms across the country host "Barbells for Boobs" events to raise money for a wonderful organization in Southern California. This organization provides grants to other breast cancer organization and provides free mammograms to underinsured and uninsured women across the country. I looked into hosting a "Barbells for Boobs" event, but I wondered how many of those dollars we would see here in our little corner of Northwest Montana and would people really be excited about donating money to an organization in Southern California. I wanted all of the money we raised to remain local. I wanted to help women in our valley. So I did a little research and discovered we have a local organization that provides free mammograms, education and post-surgery prosthetics to women that can't afford these services. The Save a Sister Foundation. So I stopped in to talk to them, got their okay to use their name on our flyers and I went out to spread the word and raise some money for a great cause. I spent all day Sunday typing up flyers, sign in sheets, information sheets, making lists, brainstorming ideas, etc. Monday I posted and delivered flyers at numerous places in the valley. We invited fire departments and police departments. I went to the rival high schools in town and invited their staff, suggesting they wear their colors and some pink and was sure to let them know I was inviting their rival school, as well. I invited my doctor's offices that I have visited numerous times during my recovery and I visited friend's businesses asking if they might consider a donation. Asking for donations was easy. Making this happen was easy. People appreciated that all the proceeds we brought in were going to stay local.

This morning was our fundraiser. "Amazing Grace" Raising the Bar for Breast Cancer Awareness. We arrived at the gym around 7:30 with great excitement. The kids were all ready to participate. They all wore pink. Kenna from head to toe complete with a pony tail sprayed pink. Ty wore a shirt that said, "I wear PINK for my MOM" and had a pink fauxhawk. Abigail work pink zebra striped socks, pink leg warmers and a bracelet that said, "My mom is a survivor." There was pink ribbon tied on the door. We had set up the night before. We had a training and warmup area to get our guest CrossFitters ready for the workout and we had half the gym taped off for the workout area. We had CrossFit ladies working the check in table and CrossFit friends working the tshirt table. We had water bottles with pink breast cancer labels printed with "CrossFit Flathead "Amazing Grace". We had the whiteboard all ready to write the names of people in each heat. We had five coaches ready to coach. We had our CrossFit community ready to jump in where needed to count reps for participants, strip weights, reload bars, help where they were needed, no questions asked. We were ready to get this show on the road.

We had more guest CrossFitters than we did CrossFitters join us! My friend brought her daughter and ten of her and my daughter's friends from school. We had CrossFit Flathead kids ready to workout. We ran two kid's only heats. We had four wonderful ladies from the Bass Breast Center and Save a Sister to support our efforts. My breast surgeon was one of them. In my welcoming "speech" I acknowledged these ladies and started to tear up and couldn't speak for a minute when I said that I should call my surgeon daily and thank her for making me cancer free. I didn't expect that, but I should have known that I would tear up sometime. We ran seven heats with an eight minute time cap. We ran 57 people through workouts in about an hour! Everything ran smoothly and everybody had fun. More than the money and support I wanted everybody to have fun and enjoy what we have in our gym, a great community of people.

My morning was amazing! I'm proud of what I did. I had a goal set for our gym to raise enough money to pay for five mammograms. 12 percent of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their life time. I guessimated how many women were in our gym and figured 12% of that number. Statistically five women in our gym could get breast cancer. That is at least how many mammograms I wanted our gym to pay for. We exceeded my expectations big time! Our community of people and our friends were so generous. If you are reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you!

My friend posted this on my Facebook wall today and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this, R.

"I will remember the pink ribbon on the door into Crossfit, I will remember opening the door and seeing a sea of everything pink, I will remember fighting back tears as you thanked your doctor and her nurses, I will remember not trying to fight tears as you fought GRACE and won huge, I will remember your beautiful family and your daughter's bracelet stating, "My mom is a survivor", I will remember Tony's sweet embrace and not letting you go after the gym was cleared and cleaned . . ."

Here is what I will remember...

I will remember my husband's support. I will remember my kid's enthusiasm and my son's eagerness to wear pink when that is so not his thing. I will remember my coach's hug and his text saying, "Very proud of you." I will remember PRs on the board. I will remember a friend saying, "Sorry I couldn't do 90 seconds." I will remember great workout gear: lots of pink (including the men), long socks (again, the men, too), a pink tutu-like skirt. I will remember standing still for a moment and taking in our packed gym and feeling the electricity. I will remember being the last person to finish my heat and hearing the gym cheer for me. I will remember doing "Grace" Rx in October, this was my #1 goal in the gym after my surgery. I will remember my surgeon coming up to me and giving me a hug right after my workout. I will remember my daughter counting my reps, my husband cheering me on and my youngest daughter coming and hugging me before my workout. I will remember all the stickers people were wearing that read "In honor of..." and "In memory of..." I will remember my friend's son, A, saying, "I worked out for you" and then giving me a hug. I will remember looking up into the crowd during my welcoming "speech" and seeing tears in my friend's eyes. I will remember the generosity of people, monetary and with their time. I will remember turning and looking at the empty gym as we walked out the door. I will remember the wonderful thing that happened at CrossFit Flathead on this Saturday morning.

This was a huge growing week for me and a week of working outside of my comfort zone. I found something I am passionate about and something I want to do more of and be a part of. I want to be a part of something that gives women the resources to be an advocate of their breast health. I have confidently walked into businesses and asked them to display our flyer and invited them to join our gym in a fundraiser for a great cause. I have asked people if they would like to donate money to a great local foundation without feeling uncomfortable asking for a donation. I walked into the police and fire department and spoke with their respective chiefs about our fundraiser and asked them to join us. I stood up for myself and for something that is dear to me and that I believe in and in turn hopefully one person learned a lesson in kindness and respect. I found something that I want to be a part of. I found something that makes my chest ache because I think it is so important. I found something that brings tears to my eyes when I see what I can do for this "something". After all is said and done, I found something greater than the memory of having cancer.

"Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something."