{are we there yet?!}

Parents everywhere will get this or at least parents that road trip a lot like we do. We drive to the very Eastern side of South Dakota once or twice a year. Eighteen hours of driving time. That doesn't include stopping for gas, "I have to go to the bathroom!" stops, "I'm hungry", etc. We take two days to make the trip. Sometimes we drive as far as we can the first day before the kids or mom can't take it anymore. Sometimes we drive half-way the first day. Sometimes we stay at my sister's only four and a half hours into the drive and take a deep breath, pull on our big girl panties (or big boy underwear) and brace ourselves for a long second day. It's the long days that are a true test of parent patience. Not as much anymore, the kids are all at an age that they travel pretty well, but it wasn't always like that. We had trips that we would dread for weeks leading up to our departure date. I would dread what was to come. First there was the planning and packing for a family of five and one of those five was an infant. We would barely leave home and somebody would say "Are we there yet?". No, we still have 17 1/2 hours to go. Then the two oldest would start fighting and eventually the baby would start crying. It doesn't take long for a busy baby boy to be ready to be unstrapped from his car seat, bored with facing backwards and tired of sitting in the same position. Then somebody has to pee. While you are stopped everybody might as well pee and we should change the baby's diaper. So we would unload our entire crew, grab the diaper bag and use the restroom, say no to requests of snacks at the gas station, but maybe buy a pack of gum so you don't feel guilty about using the bathrooms without buying something. Load the family back up half and hour later and head out again. Are we there yet? No, we still have 16 1/2 hours left. But, this time it wasn't the kids asking. It was me. Our trip had barely started and I was beginning to feel like it was never going to end. We will never make it to the end of this trip and if we do certainly not with our sanity. Then we would have a quiet little spot in our road trip. By some sweet act of God, all three kids fall asleep at the same time. Oh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip isn't so bad after all. Then all of a sudden you hear from the back seat. "I don't feel....", followed by a sound that every parent dreads, especially in the confined quarters of a car in the middle of a road trip. The sound of a puking child, all down the front of them and filling up the seat of the car seat they are sitting in. OMG! Could this trip get any worse!!!! So you stop the car in the dark of the night and clean up the best you can with the handful of napkins you happen to have stashed in the glove box, crack the windows to try to get rid of that awful smell and drive like hell the last 1/2 hour to the stopping spot for the night. That is just day one. Day two you limp along with a sick child in the car knowing that you may have just fallen into a road trip time continuum, road trip hell and you will never see the end of this day. It will never end. Then all of a sudden you see a mileage sign that says "Milbank 90 miles". 90 miles. That doesn't seem too far after driving two days, but I can't stand the thought of sitting in the car for another hour and a half. I can't stand it! It will be forever. Then all of a sudden we turn a corner and we are on that final stretch of just a few miles and you think, we are going to make it all in one piece and with our sanity or with enough to be able to tackle the next leg of our vacation, the trip home. Here is the light at the end of this road trip that seemed like it would never end. In my mind, of course I knew this road trip would end, but many points along the way it felt like we were moving at a snail's pace and we would never make it.

This is what I have asked myself many times the past few months. "Am I there yet?" "Will this ever end?" "Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?" I specifically remember great weeks in my recovery and healing. The first was week four to five post-surgery. I had a great healing week. I felt my body heal and feel more stable where all the work was done inside to make my body cancer free and to look normal. This was a great week. The second healing moment that I will specifically remember in this process was Tuesday, April 12. I haven't been really excited or liking my new body. Slowly getting used to it, but still not liking it. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my amazing plastic surgeon to check on the incision that she tightened up three weeks prior and to make a plan and schedule my next surgery. Phase two. I don't know if it was her enthusiasm at my results from the first surgery or scheduling my second surgery and knowing by new "breasts" were finally going to be complete. Maybe it was a combination of both, but I left feeling SO good, content and satisfied with my new body. Unless you are or have been in my situation I can't begin to explain how exhilarating this felt. I don't know that I love my new body, but I don't mind it and after trying on a swimsuit I really kind of like it. lol I wish my new breasts looked more natural, but nothing about them is "natural" anymore so I can't expect them to look natural. They were totally created at the hands of a surgeon so that my body would look as feminine as possible and that has been done. I think it is pretty obvious that they are fake when you look at them, but you know what? Everybody that has followed my little journey here knows they aren't real. They know they are fake, but more importantly they are a constant reminder that they are cancer-free. I never forget that. A friend of mine always throws that into random conversations when I am texting with him. "So glad you are getting back to the gym and you are cancer-free!" "Glad to hear you are getting used to them and they are cancer-free". :) I'm not trying to fool anybody. My boobs were removed for my health and I have bigger, fuller ones in their place. (I may not have been happy at the choice I had to make or the only choice I had for my health, but sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the chance for a more "proportionate" body!!) ;) The "replacements" aren't there to take my old body's place or to change who I am, but to bring normalcy back to my body. I was actually excited and smiling to Tony when I was telling him about my appointment and how my surgery was going to go. My doctor was giddy at how great they have healed and said they are "ridiculously symmetrical". I'm not sure if that is a medical term, but really what that means is very little has to be done during my next surgery to make them as symmetrical as possible. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, May 9th. Three days before my birthday. Recovering from surgery isn't at the top of my list of how I want to spend my birthday, but that's okay. It isn't everyday you get new nipples that complete your boobs for your birthday. LOL I asked my doctor what she will do during the surgery. I was pretty pleased to hear not a whole lot. The left breast will be lowered a little to match the position of the right and loosen up the outer, lower edge of the right breast so it rounds out and falls softer and really that is it besides reconstructing nipples. The sounds of that still seems so crazy to me, but such a blessing in my eyes. Great thing is the new nipples will most likely be placed right over the incisions from my first surgery so those scars will be covered up. I will have very little signs of surgery at all, well except for bigger boobs, when all is said and done.

I have been going to my physical therapist weekly to work out a horribly tight "cord" of muscle I had running through my underarm. With her help and working on it at home we have seen incredible results on that. It doesn't bother me at all anymore. I asked my plastic surgeon what my PT could work on. Is there anything structurally she could hurt by working on tightness and scar tissue? She said she couldn't hurt anything. In fact, she said getting in there and breaking up scar tissue would be a good thing right now because it can result in the breast loosening up and moving a bit and eliminating the need for some "tweaks". Sweet! Game on! So a couple weeks ago I had the most painful PT appointment I have ever had. My PT uses the Graston Technique to break up scar tissue. I have a love/hate relationship with those metal tools that she whips out. Usually it has been a "hurts so good" kind of pain as she breaks up scar tissue to work out various body pains. But, last week when she started working on the thick bands of scar tissue from the mastectomy and reconstruction I thought I was going to come out of my skin. Oh, my goodness! "OUCH" doesn't cover it! However, when all was said and done the awful tightness across my left pec was non-existent and I have full range of motion in my shoulder when I held my arm straight out from body, parallel to the ground and pulled it ALL the way back behind me. It was amazing! AND the little corner of the right breast that my doctor planned to loosen up seemed to have loosened up on it's own when the scar tissue was broken up! One less thing to be worked on during surgery. Thank you, Kat!!!! The best PT in town! :) I also have some stretches that a PT friend in St. Louis emailed me to help stretch out the pec. Between all of my peeps my body will eventually be back to 100%.

I loved my second great moment in my healing process. It feels so good to feel content and okay with this new body that circumstances have given me. Do I still look at my body in the mirror and frown? Yes, I do, but not all the time. Sometimes I actually look at it and am amazed at what was done to give my body BACK to me when at many points it felt like it had been ripped away from me. It is nice to see or even have caught up with that light at the end of the tunnel. I am still chasing a few lights, but feeling comfortable in my own skin was probably the biggest light. Many times I felt like a deer staring at a huge spotlight. I felt stuck and like I couldn't move. When you are in pain, your body looks totally foreign, bruised and terribly swollen your mind messes with you. Sometime it is hard to imagine that you will ever be back to normal even when deep down you know it will. It has to because that is what our amazing bodies do. They heal and if you take care of your body you will be lucky enough to have it heal quicker than your doctors had expected. I am thankful for that everyday. There are many things to be thankful for. Sometimes dark bad days drift in and I lose sight of that, but in the end I always remember and appreciate the many things I have to be thankful for and there are MANY!! Right in that moment is a great place to be!

{cilantro lime chicken and a pork roast}

I told you a few days ago that there is a reason I fail to make a dinner plan. So my hubby will put on his cooking gloves and come up with something amazing. Well, this my friends, is one of those times. This dish was delicious! I might have to put him to work in the kitchen again tomorrow with this little gem. For so few ingredients you would think that I could come up with something amazing like this, but no. I would end up staring blankly at 2 chicken breasts, an onion of a random color, a jar of jalapenos, a bunch of cilantro, a bottle of olive oil, a lime and pepper and come up with nothing! So I pass the apron to Tony and I give you, Tony's Breasts. ;) Okay, how about Cilantro Lime Chicken Roll Ups.

Cilantro Lime Chicken Roll Ups
2 Costco sized chicken breasts
1/2 red onion
6-8 slices jalapeno (this is what I used, but I would add more next time)
Cilantro
Olive oil
lime juice
Pepper

Mince cilantro (I'm not really sure if that's what you do with cilantro). Add cilantro, lime juice, pepper and olive oil to a bowl or zip lock.

Butterfly each chicken breast. Pound out chicken breast and place in marinade. Turn chicken breast in marinade every 5 minutes or so.

Dice onion and saute. Remove from heat and add finely diced jalapeno.

After the chicken has marinaded lay out the chicken flat. Spread 1/2 of the onions and jalapeno over the chicken breast and roll tightly. Place seam side down in a baking dish. Repeat with the other breast. I made sure some of the cilantro was left on the chicken when I pulled it from the marinade and also spooned some over the top before I put it in the oven.

Bake on 375 for 20 minutes. Spoon over some of the left over marinade and bake for another 12-15 minutes. Remove from oven an let stand for 5-10 minutes. You can also spoon some of the juices in the pan back over the meat to add extra flavor.

Slice and serve. Its supposed to be a mexican-ish chicken so feel free to top with salsa, or enchilada sauce (paleo friendly, of course), or just eat as is.

Enjoy!

I don't think this next "recipe" could really be called a recipe, but we will be making it often. It was so good, made quite a bit for leftovers AND the kids LOVED it! That makes it a keeper in my book! The other day I had two thawed pork loin roasts in the fridge, about 2# each. This is usually how much I make for our family. It feeds us dinner and provides us with some protein for the next day. I had planned to do something amazing with them in the crockpot, but as usual it came to crunch time for getting them in the crockpot and I hadn't made a plan and was getting ready to rush out the door. Because of this I ended up with Trina's Amazing Pulled Pork. This is the extent of my creativity in the kitchen so hold onto your seats. :)

Trina's Amazing Pulled Pork

At the speed of light throw open cupboard door, toss aside various bowls and drag the crockpot out. Hurry and plug in and turn on high before you even get the food in. Hardly a head start in the cooking process with a crockpot, but it makes you feel you are being efficient with your time.

Grab each 2# pork roast, rinse them off and toss them in the crockpot. Open a can of natural chicken broth with no MSG or preservatives and pour half the can in the crockpot, toss in a handful of dried onion flakes, salt and pepper to taste. Toss lid on crockpot as you holler at the kids to jump in the car and leave the house at lightening speed to show up late to wherever you are going.

Return home about four-ish hours later, walk in the door to the wonderful aroma of dinner fully cooked and welcoming you home. Remove lid, lower your nose to the edge of the crock and inhale deeply. Ahhhhhh! Grab two forks and attempt to lift a roast and gasp with delight as it just falls apart because it is so tender. Using both forks shred the pork, stir it up with all the juices and replace lid while you pull together the rest of your dinner while the shredded pork soaks up all the wonderful juices. Serve up pork and bask in the praises of your family!

With the non-creativeness of my cooking, the recipe HAS to read something like that. :) This recipe was really so embarrassingly easy and so incredibly yummy!

That's all I've got tonight. Go forth, cook and eat well!

{fish and radishes}

I am way behind on posting new recipes as we try them. Well, new recipes that are worth posting. So far we haven't made anything new that we wouldn't want to post. All so yummy so far. My gung-ho attitude toward cooking and trying new recipes lasted approximately two weeks. I really don't like cooking and as you will see in a future post there is a reason I leave most of it to Tony. He came up with a new recipe that was so amazing and does many nights. I can't wait to totally flake on making a dinner plan so he is forced to make it again. ;) So last week-ish I (yes, "I" did cook this time!) made both (yes, TWO recipes!) of these recipes for dinner. The tilapia was wonderful, but the radish salad was amazing! I think I will try it sometime with cucumbers. It would be so refreshing in the summer. A perfect addition to a meal enjoyed out on our deck. Oh, that makes me yearn for summer.

Almondy Coconuty Tilapia

(aka Macaroon Crusted Tilapia by Jessica at How Sweet)

Ingredients:

3/4 cup raw almonds

1/2 cup shredded unsweetened coconut

4 Tilapia fillets

2 egg whites salt & pepper, to taste

1. Food process your almonds until coarsely ground. I had no luck chopping these in the food processor. I ended up chopping them up in our Magic Bullet.

2. Combine almonds and coconut.

3. Season fish with salt and pepper.

4. Separate your egg whites from the yolks and beat lightly.

5. Dip a tilapia fillet in egg whites and roll in the almond coconut mixture until thoroughly coated. 6. Arrange your fillets on a wire rack over a baking sheet and bake for 20-25 minutes at 425 F.

Simple Radish Salad

Makes 1 or 2 servings

4 radishes, thinly sliced

1 Tbsp olive oil

Juice of ½ a lime

2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

1 clove garlic, coarsely chopped

a sprinkle of salt

In a small bowl combine oil, lime juice, cilantro and garlic. Toss with sliced radish and sprinkle with a little salt.

Note: I actually used about twelve radishes, but left the dressing amounts the same.

While I was making the fish A was excited we were having fish until she saw it and she asked, "Is it Paleo?" :( I said, "No, it's just a fish recipe." She ate it. T was also excited until he saw it. He did end up eating all of his fish, but picked some of the crust off. A loved the radish salad, I can't remember if K did. I don't think so.

So, if you follow my blog you probably read yesterday's post and know that I was not having a "happy go lucky" day. In fact, it was quite the opposite. It did get better, but didn't end totally cheerful. Last night I read that today's workout was a 5K row, said to my hubby a little bit panicky, "I'm going to be there all day!" and started crying. I haven't felt like I have any endurance at all and a 5K row would be a true test of that. Seriously, I feel like I have been falling apart the past couple days. The blogging did help. I figured coming home and punching my frustration out on my keyboard was better than yelling and screaming my frustration and terrifying my family. A blur of fingers at the computer isn't near as scary. So, I blogged and started to feel a little better, but I still wasn't sure even up until I left the house planning to go to the gym if I actually would go. I did decide to go and prayed that my coach wouldn't have me row the whole thing. He left it up to me. He asked if I wanted to do a 2K or a 5K, both benchmarks. I said I would do the 2K or I would be there all day. So I sat down at the rower, put my headphones in, turned my iPod on my running and rowing playlist (Riot, Sandman, Slow Drain, Hey You, etc. Hard and loud music), took a deep breath and started rowing. Having been out of my game for awhile I was shocked that I was able to row my 2K in 9:11. So trying to pull my CrossFit boots back on I dug deep and set it for another 2K and rowed it in about 9:35. Beings that I had already rowed a 4K I might as well pull a 1000m and make it a solid 5K. So in pieces I rowed a 5K today. It felt good and I was seriously shocked I was able to pull it out and feel as good as I did. I really think I could have pulled another 5K. It would have been long and sucked, but I felt like I had it in me. One of the best things about going to the gym today was chatting with my friends, R, C and K. Thank you K for taking the time to give me a hug that I desperately needed. Like I said yesterday, if it weren't for our gym community I may not be going to the gym at all.

My sister made the following comment on Facebook when I posted yesterday's blog on my profile. Thank you so much, sis! I needed that and will read it repeatedly.

"Quite some time ago, a wonderful woman gave me a book when I needed some encouragement....a reminder to celebrate wylde women...here is a phrase I found for you: 'Continuing On: almost crumbling to the ground, she stopped. looking at how far she had traveled and all it had taken to get there, she recognized her strength. the strengths she had inside of her, the strength she had gained along the way ~ her inner power. and so, she stood up. standing tall, she faced forward and continued on.' thank you for the book....♥"

{be one with the turtle, be the turtle}

If you have been following my blog you may remember awhile back prior to surgery I posted my first "I'm pissed off at cancer" post. This post may be similar. You have been warned. It may sound a little "woe is me"or a little pity party-ish, so be it. This was my day and thank goodness this isn't my everyday. This is the stage of grieving, recovery, whatever it is that I am in. How many stages are there? I don't know, I feel like I am at stage three of 47.

Today while on my way to the gym I side tracked and went for a little drive. One because I had time to kill and, two, I didn't want to go to the gym. So I did what I have been doing more frequently as of late, I put off walking into the gym as long as I can. Sometimes I drive around, take the long way to the gym or I sit in the parking lot waiting until the last possible minute. Going to the gym is killing me right now. Our gym used to be this amazing sanctuary for me full of steel bars, heavy plates to throw around, rings to throw yourself around in, a pull-up complex to bust out chest-to-bar pull ups, etc. Now it is just an "in your face" reminder of what I can't do. Movements that seem a far off dream. I KNOW I should be seeing all the things I CAN do, but right now I'm just seeing red. Of course, I do know that someday I will be able to do all of this again just because I imagine/hope someday my body will feel "normal". Even though everyday it feels like it never will. I told a friend this last week and I started crying. But, honestly I can't see that day. I can't even imagine getting there, it is so far away I can't imagine that day. My subconscious must know I will get there because I had a dream last week that I was doing chest-to-bar pull ups. So I drove around today just thinking about this and all of a sudden this thought popped into my struggling head, "breast cancer has crushed my spirit" and I started to tear up. I didn't want cancer to do that, but right now it feels like it has and damn it if Mother Nature didn't jump in the mix and make it gloomy and rainy today. Thanks for that.

Yesterday we had the first WOD for CrossFit Lethbridge's 1st Annual Collaborative Challenge. A friendly competition featuring one workout/week for four weeks to post your score and compete against athletes from a handful of CrossFits. There were three different levels you could compete at Rx/Scale #1/Scale #2. Every time I thought about going to the gym yesterday I started crying. I DID NOT want to participate. I waited until the very last minute to decide if I was going or not. I know that during these four weeks I won't even be able to do the #2 scaled workout. This bugs the hell out of me, sad I know. REALLY, I KNOW!!! I can't participate at ANY level. I know the important thing is that I am moving right now. But, that doesn't even feel good right now. All of this (not being able to perform how I want to, being limited, feeling so bad about it, not being rational) makes me sooooo mad right now and it makes me want to punch breast cancer right between the eyes. Thanks for taking away something I love so much and make me fight and claw my way back to trying to find that love again. I just may sit out the rest of these competition WODs. I've been thinking about it. The workouts weigh too heavy on me right now. Maybe a little more equipment at home so I can do more workouts at home in private. Maybe a little creative therapy at my sewing machine instead. Maybe a little more vodka and whiskey in my daily routine. Maybe wine. ;) Maybe cutting a deal with Father Time. I haven't quite decided what would dull the frustration. Thank goodness for my husband, gym community and coaches or I wouldn't be going to the gym at all.

Last week I got this card from my new friend, C.

Immediately I loved the picture of the turtle with what could be her little turtle boobies wrapped in an ace bandage. Inside was a witty note, which I have come to love about C, and the following Hallmarkism: "It's not the speed that matters. It's the getting there." The week prior to receiving this card I had been telling her how my biggest struggle is with my impatient nature. I've never been one for patience. Big flaw when you have a long road to recovery in front of you and the end seems nowhere in sight. Day-to-day feels like an eternity while time flies by for everybody else. Much like when you are pregnant and everybody can't believe that you are already eight months along when you feel like you are barely nearing the end of an elephant's 22 month gestation period. Will. It. Ever. End? Of course, it will, just not soon enough. Never soon enough. So, she read this card and immediately thought of me and my struggle with patience. I recite this little quote to myself many times throughout the day. I haven't yet been able to fully embrace it, but I am trying and I want to SO badly. So from here on out I will wake and start my day with visions of myself as a turtle. :) Be the turtle, be the turtle, be the turtle. My new mantra. Maybe even start to imagine that fine hard turtle shell and allowing myself to tuck myself inside it when I feel like I need a break from all of my "stuff" that sometimes feels like too much. A little mental break inside my cozy turtle shell. I have to say that darn little shell is a fine place to get stuck, too. So many times I feel like a turtle that cancer has mockingly put on it's back to sit there, stuck in one place, struggling to get upright and see the world the right way. Luckily, I have friends and family and, somewhere deep inside, my own determination to get myself flipped over and able to move forward. I'm sure that day is coming soon where I can see the world right-side-up and start moving forward at a slow, yet steady pace.

"It's not the speed that matters. It's the getting there". . . Amen!

Totally random because this post needs to end on a light note. Two of my favorite words because they are just fun to say: trifecta and wonky. I told you! Totally random! :) Also, I started this post early this afternoon. After blogging and ranting and raving and venting I actually feel a little better. The therapy of a blog. :)

{baby, it's chili out}

So I got on the ball Saturday night and made out a menu for the week. If I stay on task I should be trying 5-6 new recipes this week which will make for some nice recipes to share on here and a few boring pictures taken with my phone because my phone takes better pics than my camera. Sad, I know.

The first superstar in my weekly menu is chili. I found this recipe on one of my new favorite blogs, The Clothes Make the Girl. This girl can cook AND she wrote a roller derby book from her days as a roller derby girl. That has nothing to do with cooking, but I love that! Everybody should dress like a roller derby girl once in awhile... just saying. On Halloween, perhaps?! ;)

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, chili! Yummo! This is the perfect cold weather meal, which unfortunately here in Montana we can enjoy with the perfect cold weather until about late June. I need to find a gluten-free, Paleo friendly cornbread style bread to enjoy with this. I love chili and cornbread, but alas, I bid farewell to my cornbread in exchange for good health. Bye-bye cornmeal. Oh, cornbread with honey. . . I will miss you cornbread.

We haven't tried this recipe out on our two youngest kids. It might be a bit spicier than my little guy will like and I know that addition of sauteed squash to the recipe would send him running. My oldest liked it, but I expected she might. Spicy and chili are her thing. I have never put cocoa in a chili recipe even though the whole "mole" thing is right up my Mexican alley. So that was a fun and yummy addition to this cold weather treat and made me feel like throwing on a zarape and sombrero and do a little happy hat dance in my kitchen! (That's your little bit of useless information for the day!) Tony sauteed up extra zucchini and put it in the bottom of our bowls before dishing up our chili. I know I would love this over sweet potatoes so I will be having that next time I heat myself up some of these leftovers. Btw, leftovers were even better than the first night. All those spices had time to meld and work their little spice magic. I love that about spices! The ability to live harmoniouly as one happy little spice collective for the good of the whole. Behold, Mel's Favorite Chili and now Trina's Favorite Chili.

Mel's Favorite Chili
Makes about 6 servings of 1 1/3 cups each
Zone: 3P + 2F + 1C
Weight Watchers: 5 points, includes 1 healthy fat serving

Ingredients:
The base:
2 tablespoons of your favorite fat: olive oil, coconut oil
2 onions, chopped
4 cloves garlic, crushed
2 lbs. ground meat (lean beef, pork, turkey, veal, bison, or a mix)

Spices:
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon salt

Liquids:
14.5 oz. can chopped tomatoes (I like Muir Glen fire-roasted.)
6 oz. tomato paste
14.5 oz. can beef broth
12 oz. water

Directions:
1.Heat the oil in a large soup pot. Add onions and saute 'til soft. Add garlic and let heat 'til fragrant, about 2 minutes. DO NOT BURN THE GARLIC. Add the meat and saute until browned and crumbled.

2. Blend all the spices in a small bowl. Add to pot and stir well, about 1 minute.

3. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, beef broth, and water to the pot. Stir well.

4. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat to low so the pot has a gentle simmer. SIMMER FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. Do not skimp on the simmer. Just as rest time is the magic time when you build your strength, simmering is the magic time when the flavors meld.

Variations:
Add additional quality fats with some chopped black olives, green olives, or avocado slices (or all three!).

Add more veggies by serving over a bed of cooked spaghetti squash, grated zucchini, or baby spinach leaves.

{six weeks and counting}

It has been over a week since I last posted on here and, oh, how I have missed you my little friend! I constantly have ideas of things I want to blog. Some I write down so I don't forget, most are just a fleeting thought and they are gone and some are just worthless so I let them "flush" from my brain. Instead of going to my list of blog ideas I decided to just blog about something kind of recent. My six week follow up appointment last week with my plastic surgeon and other "stuff" in this LONG six weeks.

My appointment went well. I had the usual topless pictures taken against a pretty teal wall in the examining room. Look straight ahead, diagonal to the left, face the wall to the left, face the door, face diagonal to the right. Much like a naked mugshot I expect. I swear I have never had a mugshot taken so this is only speculation on my part. Also, from what I have seen on tv, mugshots are not usually done in the buff. At least not on the shows I watch. Late night on Showtime may be another story, um, not that I would know. ;) Haha! So after my glamour shots were taken I sat and waited for my doctor to come on in. This is always a highlight of my appointments, when my doctor walks in. This wonderful lady has a funky style all her own and I can't wait to see what she is wearing for the day. Thursday she had on a pretty mild outfit, not a space cadet outfit like she actually referred to her choice of clothing. I love it! Thursday was a cute, black shirt dress. I didn't really pay attention to details so I can't say just how fantastic her shoes were for the day or see just how low-cut her dress was. If you have the body and you have your very own plastic surgery center and med spa at your disposal show off what you are selling lady! That's what I think. :)

So, onto the specifics of the visit. She said I am healing beautifully even though my boobs are still funny looking. I was glad to hear the first part and could have told you the second part. They are still a bit swollen up top, sit kind of high (which gives me fantastic cleavage) and one is a bit higher and bigger than the other one. Fantastic. My left incision had come open a little bit somewhere along the way so it was about a week behind in the healing process than the other side which is all but healed. The opened up side is healing fine, it will just take a little longer. So to remedy this I had an appointment yesterday for an in-office procedure to tighten it up. She said it would be fine if left alone, but she is going to cut the scarring away and reclose it so it will just heal and I can be done with the bandages and silvadene cream. The cream is used for open wounds during the healing process to prevent infection and facilitate healing. None of this is a huge pain, but it will be nice to be done with this part of my daily routine. I really should have taken out stock in 3x3 inch gauze bandages when I had surgery. Next I asked about my weight and range of motion restrictions being lifted. She said if I was just having augmentation done I would be good to go to bench press, do push ups, etc. at six weeks, but since I had a mastectomy and reconstruction it is a bit different (I am guessing because of the structural stuff that had to be done inside. More on this in a little bit....you've been warned.) and it might be more like eight weeks, BUT then she said since I am young and most women that have this done are older I would probably be okay. I should just take a couple weeks to try to get up to full range of motion and work up to weight at a comfortable rate. YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS with a little fist pump! I was so excited! (This excitement was short-lived. More on that later.) Time to get moving in the gym people!!!! I asked her if there was anything that I should be aware of or concerned with when going overhead or starting to use weight such as, could the implants move? She said, no the implants aren't going anywhere. The only thing that could happen is that the incision points might pull apart a bit. They won't tear open, but they could pull a bit. Got it. I can be careful of that.

You know that little warning I gave you above? Here we go onto boob stuff. In a post awhile back I warned you that a blog would be coming telling about how this whole reconstruction process went and how it differs from a boob job, as far as I understand. Well, here is that blog post. I don't think any or many of my readers will be offended by this and if you are sorry, but this is breast cancer and you know what? I'm going to get into the nit and grit of boobs sometimes. This, my friends, is one of those times. A couple things are prompting this little dialogue. The first is that a lot of people have been asking lately what will be done at my second surgery and some people were surprised that I had to have another surgery. The second is because of my last question at my six week checkup.

So, I'm going to start with how the mastectomy and reconstruction was done, the very abbreviated version, because this will lead into my last question at my appointment. For the mastectomy my surgeon made a football shaped incision around the nipple on both sides and removes the nipple. From this incision she removed all the breast tissue which reached into the underarms and up to the collarbone. A huge amount of surface area. For that much tissue being removed I really should have been blessed with bigger boobs. No such luck, but in some weird twist of fate I get those now when I would just rather have my old ones back. Go figure, weird how that works, huh? So, from these incisions my plastic surgeon went in, separated the pec muscle from the chest wall and placed the implants under the pec muscle. So, from my understanding and what I have read, this is all comparable to a boob job except the incision site isn't at the nipple (though I think it can be) and the nipple isn't removed. However, with a boob job you still have your breast tissue between the skin and muscle which gives the shape, feeling and support of a regular breast. I lost all of that. So a "hammock" is placed at the bottom of the breast to create a natural looking sag to the breast and a breast crease. All cosmetic just to make them look as close to normal as possible. In my reading I have found that these new fake boobs are called "breast mounds". Fantastic. Because they aren't "not real" enough as it is. When all of this was done my plastic surgeon put in a "purse string" closure and pulled the incision closed much like a drawstring bag would be pulled closed. So, if you followed this you will notice there was no mention of nipples being sewed back on. They weren't and though I hate this part of my reconstruction I like the reason why. My cancer was in the breast ducts and these ducts extend into the nipple. It is possible that little cancer cells could travel through the ducts and into the nipples. My breast surgeon said she would be just sick if she left the nipples and I ended up getting cancer in the future because of little cells that settled in my nipples. So this leads to my second surgery to finish my reconstruction and the last question I asked my doctor at my appointment. "How do you make nipples?" Never in my wildest dreams would I have EVER thought I would be asking somebody this. It is such a weird sight when I look at myself in the mirror, but you know, on the bright side winter in Montana is a great time not to have nipples. LOL Hey, there is a silver lining in everything, people. Sometimes you just have to look long and hard for it! :) So, to answer my question she said she will cut out "tabs" on the tops and sides of a center point that she will determine is the right placement for fake nipples. She then folds the sides in and the top third flap down and "PRESTO"! Nipple! Then where she cut the flaps out for the "grafts" she pulls them closed and sews them up and then frosting on the cake, I will get two new tattoos to give the nipples the right coloring. Seriously, as odd as it all sounds it is also very amazing what doctors can do and a true, true blessing for women that have had a mastectomy and have the need to have their body look "normal" and feminine. Though I don't like that I have totally fake and reconstructed boobs at the same time I am very thankful that I have totally fake and reconstructed boobs. Kudos to my surgeons who are making me physically whole again. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I wanted to make mention of another big difference between a boob job and reconstruction, well the biggest difference is for me. Though many people have thought it i great that I get a free boob job on my insurance or find it exciting for me that I get new boobs. The difference is I didn't want this or ask for this unlike somebody who chooses to have a boob job. Though my procedure yesterday was pretty minimal I told Tony I just feel like my body is continually violated. My plastic surgeon told me very early on that she will make them look as close to real and normal as possible, but I will never love them. I don't think I will. Am I happier with them than I was four weeks ago? Oh, yes. Am I getting used to them? Yes. Do I like them in clothes? Oh, yes. Will I ever love them? I don't think so, though I am open to the possibility that maybe someday I will. I would love to love them someday. Thursday my doctor said she really dislikes reconstruction because of the impact on the patient. She said she loves the artsy/crafty part of it, but not the process for the patient. She said breast cancer is just so hard because it is all a waiting game with a constant stream of bad news. Then, after surgery any setback is like a punch in the stomach, just one more bit of bad news. Fortunately, I haven't had any setbacks post-surgery and am most thankful for that. I have had a hard time with being asked "How are the girls?!", How exciting to have new boobs!!!", or "Oh, they do feel different!" after giving a friend a hug when we just had a conversation about how I really dislike how they feel and I'm always aware of them. I suppose I have a hard time with these comments and questions because I don't like how they feel or I don't like how I came to have this new body. I don't like the process. The process of getting to the other side of everything being done, being okay with my new body and getting back to my "normal" life. I think to me they are a part of cancer. True a better part of the cancer process considering everything. I can't deny that, but still a part of the cancer. I don't see my new boobs as something exciting, but one more thing to move past and a new normal to get used to. I will move past them and get used to my new normal. Unfortunately, my biggest battle with all of this is my very impatient nature. One day at a time my friends, one day at a time. One day at a time is hard when I just want it to be February 2011.
Another thing that will be done during the second surgery are any tweaks that need to be done to achieve symmetry between both breasts and to change implants size if I so choose. It is too early to determine either of these because there is still swelling to go down in the next 4-5 weeks. At that time I will see my doctor again and a plan will be made. If all goes well, this will be my last surgery! :) I will have weight and range of motion restrictions again for six weeks, but after that I can finally get onto fully moving forward in my recovery and getting back to full strength in life and in the gym. So during these six weeks before my next surgery I am going to concentrate on working on the incredible tightness I have in my pec muscles, the "hammock" area under my breasts and in my underarms. Some of it is a bit painful and limits movement in the gym, but I am finally able to go overhead to start working that out. If I get a lot of this worked out now it shouldn't be near as bad after my next six week hiatus.

So I mentioned above that my excitement of having all my restrictions lifted was short lived. Four days after gaining my freedom back and having my incision tightened up I was told no overhead for two more weeks. UGH!!! Are you kidding me?! I just got here and now it is being taken away. Blah. That will be at my nine week point and then I will have surgery three weeks later to be restricted again for six more weeks. My mental state can only take so many lunges, squats and scaled workouts in the gym. I can still jump rope and I was told I could run. I will see how that feels. I think I will wear about four sports bras to eliminate ANY discomfort. Luckily, at home I can still reach up with one arm so I don't have to drag my step stool around to hang up clothes, put dishes away or get food out of the pantry. At least I got three workouts in at the gym before being shut down again AND two of them were benchmarks! I can't for the life of me remember what I did Friday in the gym. I will have to post that workout later. But here is what I did Saturday and Monday. :)

Saturday, March 19, 2011
6 1/2 weeks post surgery
"Jackie"
1000m row
50 Thrusters 45#
30 pull ups

Scaled to:
1000m row (I rowed!!! And rowed well considering it was my first day back on a rower!!!)
50 Thrusters #5 weighted PVC
30 jumping pull ups

Monday, March 21, 2011

Oh, Yeah Baby!!!
“The Filthy Fifty”
50 - Box Jumps - 24 “
50 - Jumping Pull Ups
50 - Kettlebell Swings - 35#

50 - Walking Lunges
50 - Knees to Elbows
50 - Push Press - 45#
50 - GHD Hip Extensions
50 - Wall Ball Shots – 20/14
50 - Burpees

50 - Double Unders
For time:

Scaled to:
50 - Box Steps - 18"
50 - Jumping Pull Ups
50 - Kettlebell Swings - 10# Full ROM!!!

50 - Walking Lunges
50 - Standing Knee Raises to Elbow (50 each leg)
50 - Push Press - 15#
50 - GHD Hip Extensions
50 - Wall Ball Shots – 6# (to the 10' target!)
50 - Burpees (land in a plank instead of bottom of pushup)

50 - Double Unders (Yes!!! I did double unders!)
For time:

I was able to do nine of the ten Rx'd movements (not weight)!!!!! I am SO glad I went in and squeezed this workout in before my little procedure yesterday. That was seriously the most fun I have EVER had doing "The Filthy Fifties". Oh, what a great day in the gym.

Stay tuned for a new recipe post. Not an original recipe. I don't think an apple, a handful of nuts and a chunk of cooked up chicken from the fridge counts as an original recipe. This recipe will be much better, one I found online.

{fish, pancakes and sweet potatoes}

I haven't been doing a darn bit of fabulous cooking lately. We have been crazy busy so I have been grabbing some protein here, a handful of nuts there, probably too much fruit and not enough vegetables. Oh, well, still mostly stuff a caveman might eat right? Well, I doubt cavemen ate leftover chicken curry or fancied up hamburger patties snatched out of a container in the fridge on a dead run out the door with a gym bag, cooler, purse, travel mug of tea (which is so stinkin' unsatisfying) and a water bottle. Like I said, it has been crazy. On the way to K's wrestling tournament this morning I frantically ate scrambled eggs, a diced up plum, sliced bell peppers and a handful of nuts while stopped at stoplights on my way out-of-town. Yes, again, crazy. So today I tried a couple new recipes, not entrees, while Tony worked on dinner. A little over a year I posted a recipe that we found for Lemon Chicken on Cauliflower Mash. It was oh-so-incredibly yummy! We have since used it with tilapia and found it equally as delicious. So that is what we had tonight. Lemon Tilapia with a salad topped with avocado and balsamic and olive oil dressing. I was stuffed, but I think it was because of the grazing I did on the Almond Pumpkin Pancakes that I very happily discovered on the wonderful blog The Clothes Make the Girl. I'm not supposed to "Paleo" any bad habit foods on the Whole 30, but today I didn't care. :)After reading the ingredients I figured it could be worse. I'm not replacing flour with a Paleo friendly flour, I wasn't replacing sugar with a Paleo friendly sweet substance and every ingredient was an ingredient I would eat alone. Why not be efficient with my time and throw them all together. Hey, I'm a busy girl. I do what I can to make life easier...or yummier! I think I was just tired of chopping veggies for an entire evening and was itchin' to do something that resembled baking. I guess it is better than the chocolate chip cookies I wanted to make. :) I'm okay with using this recipe and will probably make it again. I might cut back on the almond butter a little bit to cut back on some fats when eating these mostly alone, but that is about it. I made them pretty small. One batch made about nine. Here is the original recipe for Maple Almond Pumpkin Pancakes and here is my barely modified version. The modification in mine is just Almond instead of Maple Almond. I told you I wasn't very creative in the kitchen! :)

Almond Pumpkin Pancakes

Ingredients:
1 egg
2 egg whites
1/2 cup canned pumpkin
3 oz. almond butter
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp nutmeg
coconut oil for cooking

Directions:
Put all the ingredients in a large bowl and beat until smooth. Set the bowl aside for a few minutes so the flavors can meld.

Heat a non-stick skillet (I drug out my cast iron tortilla pan. Not sure if it is necessarily called a tortilla pan, but that is what I call it because that is what my mom used hers for.) until it's good and hot. Add coconut oil and swivel to coat the pan. Drop the batter in 1/4 cup servings into the pan.


When bubbles begin to appear and the edges are set, flip and cook the other side. They cook pretty fast so pay attention. Don't walk away and tend to something else and come back to overcooked, dry pancakes. This is pretty much what I do every time I make pancakes so I'm starting to think this is how pancakes are supposed to be! lol Kind of like the burnt garlic toast that I used to consistently make. Don't worry! I don't make garlic toast at all anymore!



The second thing I made tonight was Sweet Potato Fries. Yum! I remembered there being a sweet potato recipe in my family's third collection of favorite recipes that I had printed about five year ago. So I dug out said cookbook, found the recipe and then realized that I submitted the recipe. lol After reading the recipe I did remember making them and wondered why I hadn't made them in so long. They are delicious!


Sweet Potato Fries


4 sweet potatoes, cut into large French fries
2 t. Italian seasoning
1/2 t. lemon pepper
1 pinch salt and pepper, to taste
2 T. olive oil

Preheat the over to 400 degrees. Combine the seasonings and olive oil in a good-sized bowl; add sweet potatoes and toss to coat. Arrange fries on a baking sheet in a single layer. Bake for 35-45 minutes, turning once, or until fries are crispy on the outside.

So that was our night of cooking. Nothing really fancy and probably a bit of something I shouldn't have. I'm hoping to stock up on some food for the week tomorrow and try a couple new recipes. I might make a couple roasts to cut up for easy protein, as well. And, of course, there is the tri-weekly trip to the grocery store for produce. I'm thinking some kale chips are on the "try-it-out" menu. Yum!

I little bit of a gym update. Yesterday I squatted with weight for the first time since surgery!!! The workout was 20 heavy back squats and 5 HSPUs, 5 rounds. As our coach was going around giving everybody their weight he pointed to me and said we are trying something different today. He waved me over to the 20# weight vest and said we are going to see how this feels. He gingerly slipped it over my head and set it on my shoulders and had me adjust it to where it felt "comfortable" We didn't strap it down and I stood still and waited. No extra discomfort in my chest. So I was going to get to squat with 20#! For the HSPU portion I substituted a front raise, out to the sides in a "T" position, down to my sides, back up to a "T" and then back in front of me. That whole sequence was one rep and I used 1# hand weights for those. After my first round I just kept hold of the 1# weights during the squat so I actually squatted a whole 22# and it felt AMAZING!! I was so excited to just get to move some weight. It was a big day in the gym for me. I guess that is my first step back to my 235# back squat. A great way to start my sixth week post-surgery! It was a good day! Yay me! :)