{a talk with the big guy}

I've been avoiding writing this blog because I feared that so many people will think I am a total freak about my performance in the gym. Rightfully so, perhaps. But, then I ran into a friend of mine that I met at our gym, but she moved away last Fall. She told me she thought I should blog about this because it may give encouragement to someone else who might be in the same shoes. For somebody to see that I am taking this head one and despite my struggles, frustrations and what I have been through I am going to work hard and fight my way back to where I was before. She told me she has always had great admiration for me. On a tough day, that was nice to hear so with her encouraging words ringing in my ear I decided to tackle this post. I started this blog to tell exactly how I am feeling and working through my process of becoming cancer free and recovery. I'm now cancer free, so that leaves me on the recovery side. My personal struggles aren't over so to help empty my head of them and to help me collect my thoughts, I blog.

If you read my blog you know that our gym is a serious happy place for me. There have been many times I have been having a bad day and all I want to do is get to the gym to be around my fellow CrossFit peeps, bust out a workout because during that one hour your body doesn't have the ability to think about anything except self-preservation. Survival. Victory. Victory over a workout that feels like it is going to crush you and very well might if you don't keep pushing through. Every workout ends with a slight feeling of euphoria and a silent little fist pump once you have peeled your weary body off the floor.

This used to be a CrossFit workout for me. Anxiety of what lies ahead or excitement of what lies ahead. It all depends on what the workout of the day is. Anxiety="Fran", thrusters, wall balls, burpees, rowing. Excitement=Overhead squats, cleans, snatch work, double unders, "Annie", pullups, running. After the workout it was satisfaction and excitement of how strong my body has become. I take my physical fitness seriously. Many people think I probably take it too seriously. Maybe I do, but I have one body but to take me through this lifetime and I plan to keep it as healthy as possible. Honestly, disease scares me and rightfully so as I have recently discovered. Like I said, this used to be a CrossFit workout for me. Not anymore. It hasn't been for awhile. Once I was diagnosed my drive in the gym quickly deteriorated. Between diagnosis and surgery I couldn't function. Mental stress does awful things to your body. It wore on me. It made my limbs feel like they were filled with lead. I couldn't push. I couldn't make myself go hard. I was sluggish at best. Frankly, I didn't care. Part of me knew I had to push hard to gain as much strength as possible before being restricted and was held back while I recovered. But, there was a stupid part of my brain that was like, "What's the point? You're going to be laid up and not be able to do much for a while anyways. You'll lose that strength anyways." That's the stupid "glass is half empty part of my brain" that I am trying so hard to lobotomize. Two weeks post bilateral mastectomy and reconstructive surgery I walked back into the gym . I was thrilled! I was happy to do whatever my body and motified-movements allowed. That excitement quickly slipped away from me as I stood amongst my friends and fellow athletes and watched them warm up doing the most basic of movements in our gym and I couldn't even do that. There were times that the only thing on the warm up board that I could do was the hip mobility exercises. No shoulder work, no push ups, no pull ups, no box jumps, no GHDs, no jumping rope, etc. I got to a point where I had to make myself go the the gym because I knew I needed to keep my body as strong as possible with my limited movements, aka squats, squats, squats of all kinds. There were many times I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to decide if I was going to go in. Texts to my hubby, "I don't want to go in. :(". One time I drove into the parking lot, turned off my car, started my car back up and left. I hated my limitations. I hated doing them in the gym with everybody around me doing the actual workout. I hated that this bothered me so much, but I couldn't make it go away. There came a beautiful day before my six weeks of restrictions were up that I could front squats. We did a 5x5 Front squat workout. I couldn't pick the bar up with my hands because I couldn't lift more than five pounds, but we were squatting out of squat racks. The bars were in racks so all I had to do was get under it, rack position, elbows high and set on my shoulders and stand up with it. First I did it with a 15 pound PVC pipe filled with sand. Then I asked Coach if he thought I could try the 30 lb. bar. He said "yes" and grabbed the bar for me and put it in the rack. Next he grabbed the 45 lb. bar. My last set was 65#. I finished, put my arms on the bar, laid my head on my arms and cried. Much like I am doing right now as I write this.

I wish I could put into words why this is so emotional to me. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I take care of my house (well, kinda. :) My hubby may hesitate a bit before agreeing. lol), raise my kids and I get the leftovers of everybody else's schedules. There isn't much "me" time left in a day for a mom. I don't have much of anything to call my own. I have never had a career. I have always said that working out is my part-time job. I have always put a lot of effort, time and devotion into it. Many times I work my schedule around my workouts. My diet supports my fitness. If I am out with friends I won't have a drink if I know I have a hard workout in the morning. Most people don't get this and I get grief from friends for not having a drink on many occasions. I know how that drink will make my workout feel the next day and I only have one hour in the gym each day to do my body good. That leaves 23 hours to totally screw up that one hour. Fitness is MY thing. Fitness is something I feel I am good at. I know women who scrapbook all day because they love it. My husband would golf all day if he could. I have friends who would garden, read books or ride horses all day if possible. If you took those loves, those hobbies, away from these people they would be heart broken. That's what CrossFit is for me. I love it. It's my "hobby". It makes me feel good. It is something I can succeed at. Yes, maybe I am obsessed, but seriously couldn't there be worse things to be obsessed with? So, in my process of recovering from my surgeries I have lost a lot of my hobby. I've lost the ability to do my hobby. I've lost a lot of what I love and it breaks my heart. Honestly, it reduces me to tears often. Right now I can't workout for six weeks, well, four and a half weeks now. (Wow! I'm happy to say the last week and a half flew by! Thank goodness.) I haven't been wanting to go back to the gym. I was thinking about just starting to run again. I told Tony I want to get some equipment for our garage so I can workout at home instead. Okay, fine. I'm running away. I'm running away from daily frustration of not being able to do everything. I'm avoiding the pain of walking into the gym and physically not being able to do what I used to, what I WANT to do. I watch everybody else doing movements that I know my body can do, but right now as my body pulls itself back together it won't let me. Again, my biggest obstacle is patience. I don't want to feel like I am starting over. I don't want to wait and wait and wait until the scar tissue in my chest doesn't feel like it is going to rip apart when I do assisted ring dips or push ups. I don't want to do one clean and feel my legs on fire because my muscle endurance has gone South. I don't want to do a couple pull ups and drop off the bar because I've lost so much upper body strength that I can't hold on anymore and my chest starts to feel like it is pulling away from my rib cage. I don't want to do ring dips and feel my pec muscles contract and compress my implants. I don't want to be aware of everything that has been done to my body when I am in the gym. I want the gym to be my escape. So now...now in my frustration and lack of desire to return to the gym I have to find a way to harness all that I don't want to do and all that I dislike and turn that energy around and use it to my benefit. What do I always say when I am cheering on a fellow athlete? "Dig deep!" Or my favorite phrase of Coach B's, "You got this!" Or my personal motivator that I say to myself at the gym, "The strength to rise." "The strength to rise, the strength to rise, the strength to rise" over and over in my head.

I stopped by the gym yesterday during the mid-morning class and then stuck around to chat with Coach B. One and a half hours I stood there and talked to one of my biggest cheerleaders and one of my most favorite people on this earth. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. What we both needed. We both talked and talked. We talked about the gym, he told me some great stories about his childhood, we talked about coaching stuff, etc. Then I told him that I'm not wanting to come back to the gym and I started to cry. He said, "That's all right." I told him how great it is to see all of our athletes making this upward climb as everybody is getting so strong, but at the same time is so hard to watch everybody go up while right now I am going the opposite direction. On a line graph in my head where everybody else is and where I am seems a great distance apart and a long way to go. He told me it will be a good thing. It will be a good thing to work hard through this and come back strong and the great thing is we know how to get me there. I will set goals for myself and I will make small progress and small progress and small progress and then I will make huge progress. Then small progress and small progress and small progress and then I will make huge progress. A steady pattern of this. He said the great thing is so many people will be watching me. When I accomplish something these people will see it and cheer me on. It will be motivation. I said it is pressure. He came right back with, "Don't look at it that way." Basically, I have so many people pulling for me. The only person putting pressure on me is myself. Coach told me I can use this for good. It's all about helping people. I can use my struggles to encourage people who may be struggling with similar things in the gym. I hope this never happens, but maybe one unfortunate day somebody else in our gym may find out their body has been struck by disease. When their body won't let them work out because they are burdened with worry and fear. When they are frustrated with their limitations when they know their body can do more. When they don't want to step back into the gym because the road back to "before" feels too long and daunting. I can stand beside them, give them a hug and just say, "I know", because I do.

{stage two reconstruction}

Stage Two Reconstruction. That's what they called it at my plastic surgeon's office. This Monday at 8:00 a.m. I underwent Stage 2 of my reconstruction. Bilateral Breast Revision and Nipple Reconstruction to be exact. Quoting my girlfriend in a text last week, "Yay! Nipples!" Yay, indeed! Last Tuesday I had a busy morning of pre-op appointments to get ready for my surgery. I started at Northwest Hospital in Whitefish. What a beautiful hospital and like the sweet, elderly lady volunteering at the help desk said, "It's a beautiful hospital that doesn't have that 'clinic" feel to it." I also had a great little conversation with said sweet, elderly lady that I can't do any justice to via typing about the food at the hospital. As she was walking me to where I needed to be she said, "Oh! And the ca-fe (with the "a" pronounced like the "u" in under)!" (While she said this she lifted her hands a little toward the sky and looked up as if looking to the sweet vision of heaven) "Not, a cafeteria, a ca-fe. Oh, and Mondays! Mondays they make (she paused here and turned to me with a little look like "waaaaait for iiiiiitttt")...quiche! I wish everyday was Monday!" It was awesome! It took everything I had not to giggle at her enthusiasm. :) It definitely made me want to drive up to the hospital on a Monday to have quiche for breakfast! The registration process was pretty straight forward, but I found myself thinking how much nicer it was than my pre-op at the hospital in Kalispell. There was nothing "bad" about the one in Kalispell, but it was very "clinic" and impersonal. At the hospital in Whitefish the lady that registered me and the nurse that spoke with me were so friendly, kind and warm. At the end of my appointment the nurse gave me a huge hug and wished me well with my surgery.

With four minutes to spare I dashed out the door and headed to my appointment with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Nargi. Luckily her office is only three minutes away. :) The purpose of this visit was to make a plan for what "tweaks" she is going to make to my breasts to appear "normal" and symmetrical. The goal is for them to look pretty close to the same. So she said she would lower the left breast a little because it sat a little higher and she would loosen up the outer, lower corner of the right breast so it would "hang" more naturally. She said it was "bunchy". I have not idea what that means, but I took her word for it. :) She asked me if there was anything that I saw that I wanted to look different. She had mentioned that I could change implant shape to change the shape of my breasts a little bit. Keep the size, but change the shape. I didn't like how they were very round and the line of the implant around the top was very visible. I know I'm not fooling anybody, it is obvious I now have fake boobs, but, I was hoping they could be softened up somehow. So I asked if changing the implant shape would soften them and she said, "Unfortunately, no, BUT I can take fat from another part of your body...whah...whah...whah...whah..." All I heard was "I can take fat from another part of your body..." YES!!! Do that! :-) What she said was she could take fat from another part of my body and redistribute it around my breasts to soften them up and to create more of a natural looking "sag". So she lifted up my shirt and said lets see where we can take it from. So she looked at my small three pregnancy mom "pooch" that was about a 5-6 inch "circle". . . Before you start dissing me... I don't care WHO you are, if your belly has been stretched to it's max three times with pregnancies there is something about your stomach you don't like and this is what I have never liked...back to my doctor... So she looked at my little tummy stuff that I don't like and she said, "I can take some from here. You know what? I can just get rid of that! You know what? I'm going to do you a favor because you deserve it. You have those two small hernias that you want fixed, I am going to fix those and suture your abdominal muscles back together (they separated with one of my pregnancies) and make your belly button an "inny" again. I am also going to get rid of this." "This" being a couple of small pockets of fat above my pelvic bones on my sides. She said, "it is mostly muscle there, but there is some fat there and I am going to get rid of it!" Ummmm, OK! Do it! Do it all! She told me I already had one surgery I didn't want I should have one I want. YES! Yes, please and thank you SO much! The benefits of having a great relationship and having made a connection with your plastic surgeon. :)

So, Monday morning with the kids sleeping at my dad's and given the okay to miss school to eliminate morning chaos for my dad, Tony and I head to Whitefish at 6:00 a.m. for my 8:00 surgery. I had an IV put in (which always grosses me out), I got a fifteen minute neck and shoulder massage by resident massage therapist Johnny Ray, and my surgeon drew all over me with a purple marker as a guide to what she was going to do in surgery. Anybody out there a Nip/Tuck fan? I had a vision of Dr. Christian Troy drawing all over a woman with a tube of lipstick showing all the parts of her body that needed "fixed". I had no problem being all marked up, but did have to hold in my giggles thinking about being marked up with a tube of lipstick. Hee-Hee. The marker was far more professional!

Shortly after being marked up for surgery the anesthesiologist came in and said they were ready and he was going to give me something to relax and it works pretty fast. I hurried and gave Tony a kiss and said, "Oh! There it is!" as my vision started to get fuzzy. That is the last I remember before struggling to wake up back in my "bay". I swear there is nothing worse than coming out of an anesthesia induced sleep. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck! My body is totally uncomfortable, I can't make sense of anything, I struggle to speak coherently, I was roasting, I am nauseous and just feel downright crappy. I did go into this surgery knowing they were going to do what they could to alleviate some nausea because they were informed of how horribly sick I was after my last surgery. So even though my surgery was longer and I did feel nauseous after I wasn't near as sick as I was last time and it was pretty much 100% gone by the time I got home and slept for a few hours. I took a few doses of the anti-nausea drugs they gave me and then stopped taking them because I was feeling fine. Last time I was nauseous for about a week after. I have a different pain killer this time that isn't making me sick at all. Mental note to self for the future!

Considering I just had a 6 1/2 hour surgery on Monday I am feeling pretty good. I have very little pain or discomfort in my chest. Pretty much all of my pain comes from the lipo (I can't believe I had lipo done. Truly weird.) that was done to harvest fat to redistribute around my breasts. I am sore and swollen from my pubic bone almost up to my bra chest band, around my sides and into my back. You don't realize that everything you do uses your ab muscles to some extent. Trying to lay down and get back up is probably the worst. When I am tired I have to psych myself up to laying down because I know it is going to hurt something fierce! Ouch! But, again, I am amazed at the healing powers of the human body. Just 48 hours after the start of surgery and I can already tell that my body is feeling a little better and is slightly less sore. I am able to move around and unfortunately am able to do tiny bits of helping around the house. lol ;-) I had hoped to milk that a lot longer, but I feel too guilty. I told Tony this morning that I couldn't wait for all of them to leave for school and work so I could not feel guilty and go back and sit down and rest. haha! Don't worry, I am getting plenty of rest, but it does feel good to still be able to get up and down enough to help a bit. My stomach actually feels a bit better when I am standing so I stand at our bed and fold clothes. It's a little something to give Tony a hand. He is such an amazing man and husband. He handles the household splendidly on his own (much better than I do!!) and does all he can to take care of me and make sure I am comfortable. He is definitely a keeper! :) My dad has also been a wonderful help like he always is. He gives Tony a hand getting the kids to school and with picking them up if needed. Him being home to help with the kids the day of my surgery was the biggest help of all. It is nice to not have to worry about the kids and know they are being well taken care of and are enjoying a day at Grandpa's. I expect there was a little spoiling going on at Grandpa's on Monday. :) As it should be!

So that is the rundown of my 2nd Stage Reconstruction surgery. The plan is that this is my last unless something really doesn't look right with my breasts, but I really don't want to have surgery again so I think I can live with any little things that aren't quite even. Now the fun begins. Shopping for new summer tops and swimsuits! Watch out summer! Here I come! :)

Thank you to those of you that have sent well wishes, prayers and beautiful flowers my way for this final stage (hopefully) of my road to being whole again. We have so much love for our friends and family. You have made this unexpected journey in my life much easier!

{are we there yet?!}

Parents everywhere will get this or at least parents that road trip a lot like we do. We drive to the very Eastern side of South Dakota once or twice a year. Eighteen hours of driving time. That doesn't include stopping for gas, "I have to go to the bathroom!" stops, "I'm hungry", etc. We take two days to make the trip. Sometimes we drive as far as we can the first day before the kids or mom can't take it anymore. Sometimes we drive half-way the first day. Sometimes we stay at my sister's only four and a half hours into the drive and take a deep breath, pull on our big girl panties (or big boy underwear) and brace ourselves for a long second day. It's the long days that are a true test of parent patience. Not as much anymore, the kids are all at an age that they travel pretty well, but it wasn't always like that. We had trips that we would dread for weeks leading up to our departure date. I would dread what was to come. First there was the planning and packing for a family of five and one of those five was an infant. We would barely leave home and somebody would say "Are we there yet?". No, we still have 17 1/2 hours to go. Then the two oldest would start fighting and eventually the baby would start crying. It doesn't take long for a busy baby boy to be ready to be unstrapped from his car seat, bored with facing backwards and tired of sitting in the same position. Then somebody has to pee. While you are stopped everybody might as well pee and we should change the baby's diaper. So we would unload our entire crew, grab the diaper bag and use the restroom, say no to requests of snacks at the gas station, but maybe buy a pack of gum so you don't feel guilty about using the bathrooms without buying something. Load the family back up half and hour later and head out again. Are we there yet? No, we still have 16 1/2 hours left. But, this time it wasn't the kids asking. It was me. Our trip had barely started and I was beginning to feel like it was never going to end. We will never make it to the end of this trip and if we do certainly not with our sanity. Then we would have a quiet little spot in our road trip. By some sweet act of God, all three kids fall asleep at the same time. Oh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip isn't so bad after all. Then all of a sudden you hear from the back seat. "I don't feel....", followed by a sound that every parent dreads, especially in the confined quarters of a car in the middle of a road trip. The sound of a puking child, all down the front of them and filling up the seat of the car seat they are sitting in. OMG! Could this trip get any worse!!!! So you stop the car in the dark of the night and clean up the best you can with the handful of napkins you happen to have stashed in the glove box, crack the windows to try to get rid of that awful smell and drive like hell the last 1/2 hour to the stopping spot for the night. That is just day one. Day two you limp along with a sick child in the car knowing that you may have just fallen into a road trip time continuum, road trip hell and you will never see the end of this day. It will never end. Then all of a sudden you see a mileage sign that says "Milbank 90 miles". 90 miles. That doesn't seem too far after driving two days, but I can't stand the thought of sitting in the car for another hour and a half. I can't stand it! It will be forever. Then all of a sudden we turn a corner and we are on that final stretch of just a few miles and you think, we are going to make it all in one piece and with our sanity or with enough to be able to tackle the next leg of our vacation, the trip home. Here is the light at the end of this road trip that seemed like it would never end. In my mind, of course I knew this road trip would end, but many points along the way it felt like we were moving at a snail's pace and we would never make it.

This is what I have asked myself many times the past few months. "Am I there yet?" "Will this ever end?" "Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?" I specifically remember great weeks in my recovery and healing. The first was week four to five post-surgery. I had a great healing week. I felt my body heal and feel more stable where all the work was done inside to make my body cancer free and to look normal. This was a great week. The second healing moment that I will specifically remember in this process was Tuesday, April 12. I haven't been really excited or liking my new body. Slowly getting used to it, but still not liking it. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my amazing plastic surgeon to check on the incision that she tightened up three weeks prior and to make a plan and schedule my next surgery. Phase two. I don't know if it was her enthusiasm at my results from the first surgery or scheduling my second surgery and knowing by new "breasts" were finally going to be complete. Maybe it was a combination of both, but I left feeling SO good, content and satisfied with my new body. Unless you are or have been in my situation I can't begin to explain how exhilarating this felt. I don't know that I love my new body, but I don't mind it and after trying on a swimsuit I really kind of like it. lol I wish my new breasts looked more natural, but nothing about them is "natural" anymore so I can't expect them to look natural. They were totally created at the hands of a surgeon so that my body would look as feminine as possible and that has been done. I think it is pretty obvious that they are fake when you look at them, but you know what? Everybody that has followed my little journey here knows they aren't real. They know they are fake, but more importantly they are a constant reminder that they are cancer-free. I never forget that. A friend of mine always throws that into random conversations when I am texting with him. "So glad you are getting back to the gym and you are cancer-free!" "Glad to hear you are getting used to them and they are cancer-free". :) I'm not trying to fool anybody. My boobs were removed for my health and I have bigger, fuller ones in their place. (I may not have been happy at the choice I had to make or the only choice I had for my health, but sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the chance for a more "proportionate" body!!) ;) The "replacements" aren't there to take my old body's place or to change who I am, but to bring normalcy back to my body. I was actually excited and smiling to Tony when I was telling him about my appointment and how my surgery was going to go. My doctor was giddy at how great they have healed and said they are "ridiculously symmetrical". I'm not sure if that is a medical term, but really what that means is very little has to be done during my next surgery to make them as symmetrical as possible. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, May 9th. Three days before my birthday. Recovering from surgery isn't at the top of my list of how I want to spend my birthday, but that's okay. It isn't everyday you get new nipples that complete your boobs for your birthday. LOL I asked my doctor what she will do during the surgery. I was pretty pleased to hear not a whole lot. The left breast will be lowered a little to match the position of the right and loosen up the outer, lower edge of the right breast so it rounds out and falls softer and really that is it besides reconstructing nipples. The sounds of that still seems so crazy to me, but such a blessing in my eyes. Great thing is the new nipples will most likely be placed right over the incisions from my first surgery so those scars will be covered up. I will have very little signs of surgery at all, well except for bigger boobs, when all is said and done.

I have been going to my physical therapist weekly to work out a horribly tight "cord" of muscle I had running through my underarm. With her help and working on it at home we have seen incredible results on that. It doesn't bother me at all anymore. I asked my plastic surgeon what my PT could work on. Is there anything structurally she could hurt by working on tightness and scar tissue? She said she couldn't hurt anything. In fact, she said getting in there and breaking up scar tissue would be a good thing right now because it can result in the breast loosening up and moving a bit and eliminating the need for some "tweaks". Sweet! Game on! So a couple weeks ago I had the most painful PT appointment I have ever had. My PT uses the Graston Technique to break up scar tissue. I have a love/hate relationship with those metal tools that she whips out. Usually it has been a "hurts so good" kind of pain as she breaks up scar tissue to work out various body pains. But, last week when she started working on the thick bands of scar tissue from the mastectomy and reconstruction I thought I was going to come out of my skin. Oh, my goodness! "OUCH" doesn't cover it! However, when all was said and done the awful tightness across my left pec was non-existent and I have full range of motion in my shoulder when I held my arm straight out from body, parallel to the ground and pulled it ALL the way back behind me. It was amazing! AND the little corner of the right breast that my doctor planned to loosen up seemed to have loosened up on it's own when the scar tissue was broken up! One less thing to be worked on during surgery. Thank you, Kat!!!! The best PT in town! :) I also have some stretches that a PT friend in St. Louis emailed me to help stretch out the pec. Between all of my peeps my body will eventually be back to 100%.

I loved my second great moment in my healing process. It feels so good to feel content and okay with this new body that circumstances have given me. Do I still look at my body in the mirror and frown? Yes, I do, but not all the time. Sometimes I actually look at it and am amazed at what was done to give my body BACK to me when at many points it felt like it had been ripped away from me. It is nice to see or even have caught up with that light at the end of the tunnel. I am still chasing a few lights, but feeling comfortable in my own skin was probably the biggest light. Many times I felt like a deer staring at a huge spotlight. I felt stuck and like I couldn't move. When you are in pain, your body looks totally foreign, bruised and terribly swollen your mind messes with you. Sometime it is hard to imagine that you will ever be back to normal even when deep down you know it will. It has to because that is what our amazing bodies do. They heal and if you take care of your body you will be lucky enough to have it heal quicker than your doctors had expected. I am thankful for that everyday. There are many things to be thankful for. Sometimes dark bad days drift in and I lose sight of that, but in the end I always remember and appreciate the many things I have to be thankful for and there are MANY!! Right in that moment is a great place to be!

{cilantro lime chicken and a pork roast}

I told you a few days ago that there is a reason I fail to make a dinner plan. So my hubby will put on his cooking gloves and come up with something amazing. Well, this my friends, is one of those times. This dish was delicious! I might have to put him to work in the kitchen again tomorrow with this little gem. For so few ingredients you would think that I could come up with something amazing like this, but no. I would end up staring blankly at 2 chicken breasts, an onion of a random color, a jar of jalapenos, a bunch of cilantro, a bottle of olive oil, a lime and pepper and come up with nothing! So I pass the apron to Tony and I give you, Tony's Breasts. ;) Okay, how about Cilantro Lime Chicken Roll Ups.

Cilantro Lime Chicken Roll Ups
2 Costco sized chicken breasts
1/2 red onion
6-8 slices jalapeno (this is what I used, but I would add more next time)
Cilantro
Olive oil
lime juice
Pepper

Mince cilantro (I'm not really sure if that's what you do with cilantro). Add cilantro, lime juice, pepper and olive oil to a bowl or zip lock.

Butterfly each chicken breast. Pound out chicken breast and place in marinade. Turn chicken breast in marinade every 5 minutes or so.

Dice onion and saute. Remove from heat and add finely diced jalapeno.

After the chicken has marinaded lay out the chicken flat. Spread 1/2 of the onions and jalapeno over the chicken breast and roll tightly. Place seam side down in a baking dish. Repeat with the other breast. I made sure some of the cilantro was left on the chicken when I pulled it from the marinade and also spooned some over the top before I put it in the oven.

Bake on 375 for 20 minutes. Spoon over some of the left over marinade and bake for another 12-15 minutes. Remove from oven an let stand for 5-10 minutes. You can also spoon some of the juices in the pan back over the meat to add extra flavor.

Slice and serve. Its supposed to be a mexican-ish chicken so feel free to top with salsa, or enchilada sauce (paleo friendly, of course), or just eat as is.

Enjoy!

I don't think this next "recipe" could really be called a recipe, but we will be making it often. It was so good, made quite a bit for leftovers AND the kids LOVED it! That makes it a keeper in my book! The other day I had two thawed pork loin roasts in the fridge, about 2# each. This is usually how much I make for our family. It feeds us dinner and provides us with some protein for the next day. I had planned to do something amazing with them in the crockpot, but as usual it came to crunch time for getting them in the crockpot and I hadn't made a plan and was getting ready to rush out the door. Because of this I ended up with Trina's Amazing Pulled Pork. This is the extent of my creativity in the kitchen so hold onto your seats. :)

Trina's Amazing Pulled Pork

At the speed of light throw open cupboard door, toss aside various bowls and drag the crockpot out. Hurry and plug in and turn on high before you even get the food in. Hardly a head start in the cooking process with a crockpot, but it makes you feel you are being efficient with your time.

Grab each 2# pork roast, rinse them off and toss them in the crockpot. Open a can of natural chicken broth with no MSG or preservatives and pour half the can in the crockpot, toss in a handful of dried onion flakes, salt and pepper to taste. Toss lid on crockpot as you holler at the kids to jump in the car and leave the house at lightening speed to show up late to wherever you are going.

Return home about four-ish hours later, walk in the door to the wonderful aroma of dinner fully cooked and welcoming you home. Remove lid, lower your nose to the edge of the crock and inhale deeply. Ahhhhhh! Grab two forks and attempt to lift a roast and gasp with delight as it just falls apart because it is so tender. Using both forks shred the pork, stir it up with all the juices and replace lid while you pull together the rest of your dinner while the shredded pork soaks up all the wonderful juices. Serve up pork and bask in the praises of your family!

With the non-creativeness of my cooking, the recipe HAS to read something like that. :) This recipe was really so embarrassingly easy and so incredibly yummy!

That's all I've got tonight. Go forth, cook and eat well!

{fish and radishes}

I am way behind on posting new recipes as we try them. Well, new recipes that are worth posting. So far we haven't made anything new that we wouldn't want to post. All so yummy so far. My gung-ho attitude toward cooking and trying new recipes lasted approximately two weeks. I really don't like cooking and as you will see in a future post there is a reason I leave most of it to Tony. He came up with a new recipe that was so amazing and does many nights. I can't wait to totally flake on making a dinner plan so he is forced to make it again. ;) So last week-ish I (yes, "I" did cook this time!) made both (yes, TWO recipes!) of these recipes for dinner. The tilapia was wonderful, but the radish salad was amazing! I think I will try it sometime with cucumbers. It would be so refreshing in the summer. A perfect addition to a meal enjoyed out on our deck. Oh, that makes me yearn for summer.

Almondy Coconuty Tilapia

(aka Macaroon Crusted Tilapia by Jessica at How Sweet)

Ingredients:

3/4 cup raw almonds

1/2 cup shredded unsweetened coconut

4 Tilapia fillets

2 egg whites salt & pepper, to taste

1. Food process your almonds until coarsely ground. I had no luck chopping these in the food processor. I ended up chopping them up in our Magic Bullet.

2. Combine almonds and coconut.

3. Season fish with salt and pepper.

4. Separate your egg whites from the yolks and beat lightly.

5. Dip a tilapia fillet in egg whites and roll in the almond coconut mixture until thoroughly coated. 6. Arrange your fillets on a wire rack over a baking sheet and bake for 20-25 minutes at 425 F.

Simple Radish Salad

Makes 1 or 2 servings

4 radishes, thinly sliced

1 Tbsp olive oil

Juice of ½ a lime

2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

1 clove garlic, coarsely chopped

a sprinkle of salt

In a small bowl combine oil, lime juice, cilantro and garlic. Toss with sliced radish and sprinkle with a little salt.

Note: I actually used about twelve radishes, but left the dressing amounts the same.

While I was making the fish A was excited we were having fish until she saw it and she asked, "Is it Paleo?" :( I said, "No, it's just a fish recipe." She ate it. T was also excited until he saw it. He did end up eating all of his fish, but picked some of the crust off. A loved the radish salad, I can't remember if K did. I don't think so.

So, if you follow my blog you probably read yesterday's post and know that I was not having a "happy go lucky" day. In fact, it was quite the opposite. It did get better, but didn't end totally cheerful. Last night I read that today's workout was a 5K row, said to my hubby a little bit panicky, "I'm going to be there all day!" and started crying. I haven't felt like I have any endurance at all and a 5K row would be a true test of that. Seriously, I feel like I have been falling apart the past couple days. The blogging did help. I figured coming home and punching my frustration out on my keyboard was better than yelling and screaming my frustration and terrifying my family. A blur of fingers at the computer isn't near as scary. So, I blogged and started to feel a little better, but I still wasn't sure even up until I left the house planning to go to the gym if I actually would go. I did decide to go and prayed that my coach wouldn't have me row the whole thing. He left it up to me. He asked if I wanted to do a 2K or a 5K, both benchmarks. I said I would do the 2K or I would be there all day. So I sat down at the rower, put my headphones in, turned my iPod on my running and rowing playlist (Riot, Sandman, Slow Drain, Hey You, etc. Hard and loud music), took a deep breath and started rowing. Having been out of my game for awhile I was shocked that I was able to row my 2K in 9:11. So trying to pull my CrossFit boots back on I dug deep and set it for another 2K and rowed it in about 9:35. Beings that I had already rowed a 4K I might as well pull a 1000m and make it a solid 5K. So in pieces I rowed a 5K today. It felt good and I was seriously shocked I was able to pull it out and feel as good as I did. I really think I could have pulled another 5K. It would have been long and sucked, but I felt like I had it in me. One of the best things about going to the gym today was chatting with my friends, R, C and K. Thank you K for taking the time to give me a hug that I desperately needed. Like I said yesterday, if it weren't for our gym community I may not be going to the gym at all.

My sister made the following comment on Facebook when I posted yesterday's blog on my profile. Thank you so much, sis! I needed that and will read it repeatedly.

"Quite some time ago, a wonderful woman gave me a book when I needed some encouragement....a reminder to celebrate wylde women...here is a phrase I found for you: 'Continuing On: almost crumbling to the ground, she stopped. looking at how far she had traveled and all it had taken to get there, she recognized her strength. the strengths she had inside of her, the strength she had gained along the way ~ her inner power. and so, she stood up. standing tall, she faced forward and continued on.' thank you for the book....♥"

{be one with the turtle, be the turtle}

If you have been following my blog you may remember awhile back prior to surgery I posted my first "I'm pissed off at cancer" post. This post may be similar. You have been warned. It may sound a little "woe is me"or a little pity party-ish, so be it. This was my day and thank goodness this isn't my everyday. This is the stage of grieving, recovery, whatever it is that I am in. How many stages are there? I don't know, I feel like I am at stage three of 47.

Today while on my way to the gym I side tracked and went for a little drive. One because I had time to kill and, two, I didn't want to go to the gym. So I did what I have been doing more frequently as of late, I put off walking into the gym as long as I can. Sometimes I drive around, take the long way to the gym or I sit in the parking lot waiting until the last possible minute. Going to the gym is killing me right now. Our gym used to be this amazing sanctuary for me full of steel bars, heavy plates to throw around, rings to throw yourself around in, a pull-up complex to bust out chest-to-bar pull ups, etc. Now it is just an "in your face" reminder of what I can't do. Movements that seem a far off dream. I KNOW I should be seeing all the things I CAN do, but right now I'm just seeing red. Of course, I do know that someday I will be able to do all of this again just because I imagine/hope someday my body will feel "normal". Even though everyday it feels like it never will. I told a friend this last week and I started crying. But, honestly I can't see that day. I can't even imagine getting there, it is so far away I can't imagine that day. My subconscious must know I will get there because I had a dream last week that I was doing chest-to-bar pull ups. So I drove around today just thinking about this and all of a sudden this thought popped into my struggling head, "breast cancer has crushed my spirit" and I started to tear up. I didn't want cancer to do that, but right now it feels like it has and damn it if Mother Nature didn't jump in the mix and make it gloomy and rainy today. Thanks for that.

Yesterday we had the first WOD for CrossFit Lethbridge's 1st Annual Collaborative Challenge. A friendly competition featuring one workout/week for four weeks to post your score and compete against athletes from a handful of CrossFits. There were three different levels you could compete at Rx/Scale #1/Scale #2. Every time I thought about going to the gym yesterday I started crying. I DID NOT want to participate. I waited until the very last minute to decide if I was going or not. I know that during these four weeks I won't even be able to do the #2 scaled workout. This bugs the hell out of me, sad I know. REALLY, I KNOW!!! I can't participate at ANY level. I know the important thing is that I am moving right now. But, that doesn't even feel good right now. All of this (not being able to perform how I want to, being limited, feeling so bad about it, not being rational) makes me sooooo mad right now and it makes me want to punch breast cancer right between the eyes. Thanks for taking away something I love so much and make me fight and claw my way back to trying to find that love again. I just may sit out the rest of these competition WODs. I've been thinking about it. The workouts weigh too heavy on me right now. Maybe a little more equipment at home so I can do more workouts at home in private. Maybe a little creative therapy at my sewing machine instead. Maybe a little more vodka and whiskey in my daily routine. Maybe wine. ;) Maybe cutting a deal with Father Time. I haven't quite decided what would dull the frustration. Thank goodness for my husband, gym community and coaches or I wouldn't be going to the gym at all.

Last week I got this card from my new friend, C.

Immediately I loved the picture of the turtle with what could be her little turtle boobies wrapped in an ace bandage. Inside was a witty note, which I have come to love about C, and the following Hallmarkism: "It's not the speed that matters. It's the getting there." The week prior to receiving this card I had been telling her how my biggest struggle is with my impatient nature. I've never been one for patience. Big flaw when you have a long road to recovery in front of you and the end seems nowhere in sight. Day-to-day feels like an eternity while time flies by for everybody else. Much like when you are pregnant and everybody can't believe that you are already eight months along when you feel like you are barely nearing the end of an elephant's 22 month gestation period. Will. It. Ever. End? Of course, it will, just not soon enough. Never soon enough. So, she read this card and immediately thought of me and my struggle with patience. I recite this little quote to myself many times throughout the day. I haven't yet been able to fully embrace it, but I am trying and I want to SO badly. So from here on out I will wake and start my day with visions of myself as a turtle. :) Be the turtle, be the turtle, be the turtle. My new mantra. Maybe even start to imagine that fine hard turtle shell and allowing myself to tuck myself inside it when I feel like I need a break from all of my "stuff" that sometimes feels like too much. A little mental break inside my cozy turtle shell. I have to say that darn little shell is a fine place to get stuck, too. So many times I feel like a turtle that cancer has mockingly put on it's back to sit there, stuck in one place, struggling to get upright and see the world the right way. Luckily, I have friends and family and, somewhere deep inside, my own determination to get myself flipped over and able to move forward. I'm sure that day is coming soon where I can see the world right-side-up and start moving forward at a slow, yet steady pace.

"It's not the speed that matters. It's the getting there". . . Amen!

Totally random because this post needs to end on a light note. Two of my favorite words because they are just fun to say: trifecta and wonky. I told you! Totally random! :) Also, I started this post early this afternoon. After blogging and ranting and raving and venting I actually feel a little better. The therapy of a blog. :)

{baby, it's chili out}

So I got on the ball Saturday night and made out a menu for the week. If I stay on task I should be trying 5-6 new recipes this week which will make for some nice recipes to share on here and a few boring pictures taken with my phone because my phone takes better pics than my camera. Sad, I know.

The first superstar in my weekly menu is chili. I found this recipe on one of my new favorite blogs, The Clothes Make the Girl. This girl can cook AND she wrote a roller derby book from her days as a roller derby girl. That has nothing to do with cooking, but I love that! Everybody should dress like a roller derby girl once in awhile... just saying. On Halloween, perhaps?! ;)

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, chili! Yummo! This is the perfect cold weather meal, which unfortunately here in Montana we can enjoy with the perfect cold weather until about late June. I need to find a gluten-free, Paleo friendly cornbread style bread to enjoy with this. I love chili and cornbread, but alas, I bid farewell to my cornbread in exchange for good health. Bye-bye cornmeal. Oh, cornbread with honey. . . I will miss you cornbread.

We haven't tried this recipe out on our two youngest kids. It might be a bit spicier than my little guy will like and I know that addition of sauteed squash to the recipe would send him running. My oldest liked it, but I expected she might. Spicy and chili are her thing. I have never put cocoa in a chili recipe even though the whole "mole" thing is right up my Mexican alley. So that was a fun and yummy addition to this cold weather treat and made me feel like throwing on a zarape and sombrero and do a little happy hat dance in my kitchen! (That's your little bit of useless information for the day!) Tony sauteed up extra zucchini and put it in the bottom of our bowls before dishing up our chili. I know I would love this over sweet potatoes so I will be having that next time I heat myself up some of these leftovers. Btw, leftovers were even better than the first night. All those spices had time to meld and work their little spice magic. I love that about spices! The ability to live harmoniouly as one happy little spice collective for the good of the whole. Behold, Mel's Favorite Chili and now Trina's Favorite Chili.

Mel's Favorite Chili
Makes about 6 servings of 1 1/3 cups each
Zone: 3P + 2F + 1C
Weight Watchers: 5 points, includes 1 healthy fat serving

Ingredients:
The base:
2 tablespoons of your favorite fat: olive oil, coconut oil
2 onions, chopped
4 cloves garlic, crushed
2 lbs. ground meat (lean beef, pork, turkey, veal, bison, or a mix)

Spices:
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon salt

Liquids:
14.5 oz. can chopped tomatoes (I like Muir Glen fire-roasted.)
6 oz. tomato paste
14.5 oz. can beef broth
12 oz. water

Directions:
1.Heat the oil in a large soup pot. Add onions and saute 'til soft. Add garlic and let heat 'til fragrant, about 2 minutes. DO NOT BURN THE GARLIC. Add the meat and saute until browned and crumbled.

2. Blend all the spices in a small bowl. Add to pot and stir well, about 1 minute.

3. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, beef broth, and water to the pot. Stir well.

4. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat to low so the pot has a gentle simmer. SIMMER FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. Do not skimp on the simmer. Just as rest time is the magic time when you build your strength, simmering is the magic time when the flavors meld.

Variations:
Add additional quality fats with some chopped black olives, green olives, or avocado slices (or all three!).

Add more veggies by serving over a bed of cooked spaghetti squash, grated zucchini, or baby spinach leaves.