{hello wall}

I started this blog post on about day nine after my second treatment, and I've been slowly working on it when I have time.  It's amazing how life as a stay-at-home mom doesn't stop for you when you are going though chemo.  I listen to my body and know when I need to take it easy, very easy, or move ahead at my normal chaotic pace. The first week after a treatment is a take it easy or very easy week.  That isn't really a choice I make, it is dictated by my ability to only take it easy.  Now for another catch up session.

Day nine post round two of chemo...

You know you are at the end of your emotional tether when you burst into tears when you get to your car after the gyro place at the mall tells you they don't accept credit cards.  This has been my week.  I hit a breaking point.  This has not been the week of facing cancer related crap with strength, dignity, and grace.  I'm tired of being tough, I'm too sick, weak and tired. My week has been full of tears and nausea. Tears of frustration, tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears from not feeling well, tears at the drop of a hat, you name it, it has made me cry, the tears came pretty easily.

I'm over this treatment plan, I'm over cancer.  

I don't want to feel like I have the flu all the time. I'm finding, just like when I was pregnant and sick for nine months each time, I am very associative with nausea.  I would get nauseous when I would get dressed and see my maternity clothes. I actually still get a wave of nausea when I see maternity clothes.  Now with chemo treatments, it is head coverings of any kind, wearing them or thinking of wearing them, and the thought of any kind of food. It's sad about the head coverings because I really do have quite a collection of cute ones and very special ones and fun ones, hats that have been specially made for me.

These cute and special hats do make it easier to wear hats when I leave the house.  If I had boring, ugly hats it would be even worse.  Anything on my head has also been giving me headaches so I never have anything on my head at home.  To solve the problem of headaches from hats outside the house, I have taken to just not leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. I'm holing up at home.  I don't want anybody to see me with a hat on if possible. Having a bald head and having to wear a hat makes me feel frumpy and dumpy. Nothing looks cute with a bald head and there is nothing that will make a gal feel more unattractive than a bald head full of stubble that isn't falling out.  I keep thinking I should shave my head, but when I think about slathering my head with shave cream it makes me cry and it makes me nauseous.  I can't bring myself to do it, and I can't stand the thought of Tony doing it.  In addition to my bald head, (which I was digging a couple weeks ago, but now I can't stand to look at it and it makes me nauseous seeing it) I am now starting to slowly lose my eyelashes.  I noticed a couple days ago I have chunk missing on the outer side of one of my top lashes.  I guess there is a bonus to losing my hair, I don't have to shave my legs and underarms and I'm going to save money in bikini waxes for awhile. I'd rather shave everyday, but you have to hang on firmly to any little bit of silver lining that you can.

As I had hoped, my emotional state followed my physical state as I started to feel better.  I don't feel 100% like I did the first round at this point.  I'm beginning to realize that the effects of each round of chemo are probably going to be compounding. I think each round I am going to fall a little bit behind, further from my 100%. I'm probably not eating enough because very little sounds good, adequate protein intake (100g/day) is my number one goal.  I have to have a protein shake or two/day to accomplish this, but I think I'm coming pretty close most days, at least on the days I workout.  I am doing a pretty good job at staying hydrated, which was a problem the first round and caused horrible headaches. I went in for IV hydration the day after my second treatment to try to stay on top of the hydration issue.  I seemed to work so my guess is that will be part of my plan for the remainder of my rounds. I feel weak and tired more often. The gym slaughtered me this week.  I went three days and cried off and on through two of them, frustration, not feeling good, feeling so weak and wore down, and feeling very near throwing up at the end of Friday's workout, but it was a 45 minute hero WOD and most likely everybody felt like puking at the end. My soul is taking a beating, looking in the mirror and seeing a bald head when you are feeling sick is a solid reminder that you are indeed a chemo patient. For me, it has been an emotional battle this week.  I haven't been good company.  For those that came in contact with me I want to apologize and like a cliche' from a bad breakup, just know, "It's me, not you." This is one reason I have just been staying at home when I can. I know when I'm not good company and I don't need to spread my gloom to my friends and those I come in contact with throughout the day.  So I stay at home and take care of things at home in a quiet house.  This isn't a bad thing either, there is always something at home that needs to be taken care of and some of those things don't take a lot of energy or can be picked away at slowly throughout the day.

Today

Life is much better the further out I get from a treatment.  I try not to think about the next treatment as it draws nearer with each passing day.  I enjoy each day that I am feeling decent, not 100%, but pretty close.  I can tell I am tired more often, my stamina is lacking, and food still doesn't always sit well.  The kids keep me busy and I am busy researching and gathering information on changes to my diet and supplements to increase my chances of not having another recurrence in the future after I am finished with all my treatments. I'm also trying to lessen the negative effects of chemo and radiation on my healthy cells.  I'm mostly concerned with radiation and the damage it will/can do to my heart, lung and thyroid.  I need to do everything in my power to protect my body, as I feel that is the only power I have in all of this.  Diet, supplements, visits with my naturopath, common sense, and being open to changing some things in my diet and the way I work out.  I'm supposed to take a daily drug, Tamoxifen, for 5-10 years after I finish radiation.  I don't want to and I'm trying to find away to protect my body naturally versus drugs that can cause a host of side effects including additional cancers and other side effects "that can be easily managed with other prescription drugs" or "easily cured with a hysterectomy". WTH?!?!  What kind of process or solution is that?! I am frustrated with the lack of emphasis or lack of information given to patients on reducing cancer risk with diet and nutrition in the clinical setting.  When I started chemo treatment I was given a booklet filled with information about my "chemo journey".  In this booklet there was a section that covered each possible side effects and some included a recipe to help with that side effect.  I was appalled at some of the recipes, two come to mind for sore mouth and lack of appetite.  Both were smoothies that contained a hefty amount of ice cream, to sooth a sore mouth and for calories if you have a lack of appetite.  I get what was trying to be accomplished with these recipes, but SUGAR FEEDS CANCER CELLS!!!!! Why would the American Cancer Society suggest that a patient trying to rid their body of cancer ingest something that can feed their cancer. Ugh! It's frustrating to me to not fully support a patient and give them all the tools to do what they can to make the best decisions for their body. I feel very fortunate that I have the knowledge to at least begin to gather information necessary to make choices that are best for my body. Sorry, that ended up being a rant of frustration, not what I intended at all. I don't want to end this blog post on a negative note so let me just say I'm about two weeks from being halfway done with chemo! :-) Yay me!

{treatment room chronicles, episode 1}

I had planned to sit and type this during my treatment.  A first hand account of what was going on around me, the process, etc. However, one of my six bags of IV drugs had a nice relaxing drug in it that made it near impossible for me to type a sentence in a timely fashion.  So, I had enough common sense to put my computer away to ward off frustration of sloppy fingers and the possibility of typing and posting something inappropriate and entertaining. :-)

November 20th was my first treatment. I was asked if I was nervous.  I wasn’t nervous or anxious.  I was just ready to get this part of the Cancer 2.0 task underway. Let’s just get on with this! I was tired of waiting.  My arrival time was scheduled for 8:15, which ended up being too early.  The beginning of each of my treatments begins with a blood draw to test white blood cell levels and liver function, and then a visit with my oncologist 45 minutes later after all the results come back.  I had my blood drawn the day before at my orientation appointment so my oncologist was able to see my results and sign the orders for my drugs of choice for the day before I even arrived.  She was able to visit with me earlier than planned and get me going on my long day, with time to spare before they started the first of the seven bags of saline and various drugs that would be slowly dripped into my bloodstream.  

So I had a seat in my large, cushy recliner of choice against the far wall. The treatment room has 14 recliners in it, each with it’s very own IV stand.  There are about ten chairs that are against the walls forming a horseshoe against three walls and the remainder of the chairs in a line in the middle of the room.  It’s good to have an early start time to get one of the ten chairs against the wall as they are “plugged in”.  Each chair has a sweet little button to control heat and massage for your chemo treatment comfort.  Sign me up! 

Before going into meet with my oncologist my assigned nurse, Lori, for the day put a big blob of Novocain on my port so it would be adequately numb for the insertion of the IV. My visit with my oncologist was pretty short, just a review of my bloodwork which came back in good form, and an overview of anti-nausea drugs that would be prescribed for me for the week following treatment.  I had a page full of appointments also scheduled out into January so I was sure to have my spot reserved in the treatment room which, sadly it turns out, is a very busy place, every day. After my appointment I found my way back to the treatment room and took my seat against the far wall, kind of close to the corner, not totally secluded, but not out in the open.  Now for the hooking up of my port, not what we expected and left us a bit shocked and giggly. Anything that leaves you giggly in the treatment room is a little moment to hang onto.  So the Novocain was wiped off and the nurse grabs a little can of a cryo/freezing spray and sprayed it on my hand so I know what it feels like, and then proceeds to spray the port site to make sure it is adequately numb so I don’t feel anything.  This is much appreciated because though I am pretty tolerant of pain and discomfort, I find that tolerance is waning as I endure more procedures, surgeries and uncomfortable medical ick.  I’m simply tired of it and tired of being tough, so if there is a numbing cream or spray available to make something not hurt, sign me up. Back to accessing my port, if you’ve ever had an IV you know that it is a relatively slow and gentle process to carefully insert it in to a vein without having to be stuck numerous times. Though I wasn't stuck more than once, it wasn’t quite the gentle process of inserting an IV.  Once numbed my nurse let me know she was now going to access the port, told me to take a deep breath and exhale, and then she gives me a forceful thump to my chest that pushed me back in my seat and WA-LA, port accessed.  WTH? The nurse then says, “It is probably better if you are sitting back against the seat.” I looked up at Tony with big shocked eyes and then we both stifled a laugh at the hilarity of the not so gentle nature of accessing a port.

Now, there was nothing left to do except sit back, relax, and wait the day out one drip at a time. I wanted to make a point to take in the people around me, visit, and say hello to people.  The first person I noticed was a lady about six cushy recliners down from me.  She walked in with her mom, smiling like there was no tomorrow and so cheery.  As it turns out she should be, it was her last treatment!  However, I got the sense that this was just her personality. My guess is she brightens up a room and is a truly kind and genuine person.  Shortly after she sat down a lady walked in carrying a pink balloon bouquet and surprised her resulting in a squeal and tears, followed by, “I didn’t know you were coming!” It was her cousin that came to celebrate her big day and to deliver a huge cake for everybody to enjoy for the day (which I passed on, because sugar feeds cancer cells and it seemed kind of counter productive to feed the cells that the drugs were trying to kill. Just my opinion. Very cool celebration cake, though, and boy did it look tasty!  Chocolate, 'nuf said.).  My hubby walked over to congratulate her and she showed him a memory book that her 21 cousins put together for her.  They each bought her a gift and each treatment she had a collection of gifts to enjoy. She was just giddy and so excited to share.  It was fun to watch her throughout the morning.  She was a positive glow in the room.

To my left we started chatting with a gal, MJ, that was there keeping her husband company.  He looked like he was a quiet, hard working man, but chemo had left him pretty wore down, physically and emotionally, as expected. It made me sad. She said he had esophageal cancer.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach, my uncle passed away from esophageal cancer six years ago.  I hoped that he had a brighter future ahead of him.  Before I left for the day MJ came over and said, “If you ever need anything while your husband is gone just let me know.”  I had been there for a little over an hour and already the common link of cancer started to bring people together.  Only these people that are directly affected by this disease can truly understand what you are going through, how scary it is, how it affects every moment of your life even if you don’t want it to or realize it, and how you need people surrounding you for support, even if that person is someone you just met.

To my immediate right was another man that was “enjoying” his last treatment for an aggressive bout of cancer in his lymph nodes. I found it a little sad that he was there alone, with nobody to celebrate his last day with him.  He also seemed like a hard working man, but was totally beat down by his treatments.  He said he was hit hard for two weeks following each treatment, his treatments were every three weeks like mine.  He was not a patient man. He said his first treatment he asked over and over why he couldn’t just have his treatments every week and get them over with, his nurse simply replied, “Because it would kill you.” Um, okay.  So now at his last appointment, he kept asking if they couldn’t drip it faster so he could just be done.  His nurse just smiled and went about her business.  I think they were used to his impatience.  He was enjoyable to talk to. As a seasoned chemo patient to the newbie he shared things he had learned along the way that were helpful to him, asked if the nurses had told me this or that, told me to keep exercising if I could, etc.  He asked me if I had a supportive husband and I spewed amazing, glorious words about my rock and biggest cheerleader. :-) When my hubby came back to check on me, this neighbor to my left told Tony what an admirable man he was and that he thought he was a great man for giving me so much support. Very kind words from a stranger.  Sadly when I left for the day he was sound asleep so I couldn't tell him it was nice to meet him and to congratulate him on his last day.  I asked the nurse to tell him, I hope she did.

Now, my day. Once my port was accessed and my magical start time arrived my nurse started the first of seven bags that would be my treatment routine, saline.  This was for extra hydration.  One of the two chemo drugs I would receive, Cytoxan, can cause bladder irritation (one of many side effects, more on that later) so they routinely focus on extra hydration to help eliminate or lessen this side effect.  After this I received six bags of drugs:

1. A steroid - To help with nausea, allergic reactions (I think), and fluid retention from the chemo drugs.
2. Benedryl - Precautionary in case I had an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs
3. Zofran - An anti-nausea drug
4. Ativan - for a little relaxation and to help with nausea
5. Taxotere - interferes with growth and spread of cancer cells, halts cell division
6. Cytoxan - prevents cells from dividing

I guess that is what you would call my Chemo Cocktail.  Cocktail being the key word because the days that followed chemo felt something like a really bad hangover that wouldn’t go away.

I was in the treatment room for seven hours, but they actually went by quickly.  I think the Ativan had a little something to do with it, but even better than drugs that make you feel good are friends and family.  I had a steady flow of wonderful visitors throughout my day, my favorite being my hubby and my daughter, A.  A is having a hard time seeing her momma going through cancer again, especially the chemo. It breaks my heart.  She said before it was easy to deny I had cancer again, but chemo makes it very obvious.  So, even though it was hard for her she took a short lunch and skipped her study hall to come sit with me and do her homework.  It made my day to have her there and I hope she joins me again next week.  I only had to spend about my last 45-60 minutes by myself and I didn’t mind it.  I rarely get a chance to sit, relax and enjoy some quiet so I might as well make the most of my time in my huge, cushy, heated, massaging recliner.  

All in all, the day went very well.  I didn’t know what to expect from it.  I didn’t have high or low expectations, I just didn't know what to expect.  Day one of a long journey in the books.  My hubby came up after I sent him a text telling him I was being unhooked from my port (which was almost as entertaining as the IV being inserted.  The nurse took hold of it, told me to take a deep breath, and pulled it out with just slightly more TLC than when she hooked me up) and gathered me up to take me home. A good day as far as a chemo treatment goes, and just to let the universe know it didn’t get the best of me I didn’t just go home and sit.  Tony and I went out to a local brewery to listen to a very good friend of ours sing her lovely tunes.  She even played my favorite song for me. :-)

Cancer-0 Trina-1

{hair be damned}

My last post felt like a quick purging of information from my appointments with my oncologists, which it probably was.  I haven’t had time to sit and type like I want to, like I was able to last time.  I seem to have a lot more going on this time so I’m not able to sit, but at the same time I am crazy busy with kids, going back to school, coaching, being mom and wife and just dealing so it keeps me busy and distracted.  In my last post I talked about my soul being crushed and my breaking point.  I said finding out my treatment plan was my breaking point and when my aunt mentioned “soul crushing” that hit the nail on the head. It was the same thing as finding my breaking point.  

I had a hard emotional week after two days of appointments with my oncologists. One of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around was the thought of losing my hair.  Before we met with my oncologist I had been doing a little reading online about chemo and hair loss.  The first site I clicked on was the Mayo Clinic.  I try not to read too much online because there is just way too much information out there and you never know when you will come across a not so reputable site.  So I try to stick with just a few, www.mayoclinic.org, www.breastcancer.org, and www.webmd.com. So when I clicked on an article on the Mayo Clinic’s site regarding chemotherapy and hair loss I read this opening caption, “Plan to use your energy staying healthy rather than worrying about how you look.” F You, Mayo Clinic. That had to have been written by somebody that has never lost their hair due to cancer treatment or an insensitive man. A woman, okay many women, are going to worry about what they look like when they are bald, when they have lost their hair against their will.  You can’t just tell them to not worry about how they look. If bald was an awesome look for a woman, more women would choose to go bald because believe me blow drying and fixing your hair everyday is sometimes a pain in the ass. All those days I had a bad hair day and said, “I should just shave my head!” is coming back to bite me in the ass.  

I’ve struggled with losing my hair for several reasons. One, I get pissed at myself because I’m having a hard time with it, it’s hair, it will grow back, damn it!  Two, very simply, I’m going to lose my hair. I believe there are very few women that wouldn’t find this hard to think about.  Vain or not, our hair is a part of our femininity. We wouldn’t worry about regular haircuts, highlights, coloring our greys (actually, I’ve never done either of those), or freak out over a bad hair day if our hair didn’t matter.  It. Matters. For some people less than others, I realize that, but it still matters. In the middle of it the reality of losing my hair is devastating to me, maybe more so than losing my natural boobs. My boobs I could cover up, after my mastectomy nobody would look at me and think, “Oh, she’s a cancer patient.” Bald head, during and well after chemo, people will look at me and know, “Oh, she’s a cancer patient.” After treatment, I will still look like a cancer patient.  That pisses me off. I haven’t been sick with Cancer 2.0 and now with chemo I will be sick and I will look sick. That pisses me off. The thought of losing my hair is devastating to me. That pisses me off.  I want to be stronger than that.  I want to not care. I want to have a head shaving party and celebrate the glory of my bald head. I’m not strong enough to do that and that pisses me off.  I want to be that girl, but I’m not.  I’m the girl that is mourning the loss of her hair every step of the way.  I’m the girl that is tearing up while typing this because I’m afraid that I might not shave my head before I see my hair start to fall out.  I’m the girl that left her radiation oncology appointment and started calling and walking into salons until I found somebody that could do a walk-in haircut because I couldn’t stand the thought of going home and seeing my long hair anymore. I’m the girl that is going to be going way out of my comfort zone to try to embrace my hair loss as a show of strength. I’m the girl that is going to fail to do that on more than one occasion. BUT, as devastating as it still feels, at the same time I have wrapped my head around it a bit...and that, my friends, is a small victory for me and a loss for cancer. 

A week and a day after I chopped my hair off I had coffee with a friend.  I didn’t feel like going, but I knew I had to catch up with this friend who is also a survivor, one of my biggest cheerleaders, and who has walked this chemo and hair loss walk before me. She gave me an out, she told me we could cancel coffee and I could go home. But, I couldn’t do that because all I wanted to do was hole up at home and that gets me nowhere except feeling down and sad. So I sat, we chatted, she shared, and I started to feel better. She knows and validates my feelings and fears and lets me own them. At the end of our coffee date I was feeling much better and my week started to turn around. Before I left she had a few things to loan me, a wig and some head wraps of various styles.  When I got home I took them out of the bag, one of the head wraps was a pre-tied scarf. I pulled my hair back, put it on and made myself look at my reflection in the mirror. It was hard, but at the same time I looked at myself, sighed, and thought, “Ok, I can do this.” So though I can’t stand the thought of losing my hair, I now feel like I have a relatively firm grasp on the reality of it.  Today I have a hair appointment to get my hair cut again, an even shorter style than it is now. Next Wednesday I have an appointment to get my hair cut again, a pixie cut of some sort.  Gradual “in between” styles to try some out for ideas when it starts to grow back. I’m not saying I am happy about this or loving this idea or process, but I’m feeling strong enough to do this when even a couple days ago I had planned to cancel the “in between” hair appointments.  

Sometime in between my pixie haircut and my second treatment, I will be getting my head shaved. My goal is to do that before I witness my hair start to fall out. I don't have much control over what is going to be happening to my body, but when I lose my hair I can do on my own terms. That I have control of.

So, in my world...losing my hair + the fear of health problems that I may have in the future due to treatments I am having to hopefully rid myself of cancer = a soul crushing, breaking point kind of week. But, like everything else, this too shall pass, I continue to move forward, I am having far more positive days (with an occasional mix of the blues, but that is okay), and I will probably be better for this journey on the other side. My sister-in-law sent me a message awhile back and said, “I can’t wait to see the person you are on the other side!” You know what? Neither can I.

{the crushing of a soul}

Warning for those grammar police out there.  I am posting this without proofreading it.  I will get to that later. :-)

I was going to start this post with something like, “I had a week that was a roller coster of emotions”, but I immediately stopped and thought to myself, BS, it was an elevator that broke free of its cable and crashed to that floor that doesn’t even have a button to the general public.  The floor below ground that can only be accessed from the service elevator. You know the floor I’m talking about, the one you worry about accidentally hitting the wrong button and the doors are going to open and you are looking down an empty stone corridor like in the horror movies.  Dramatic I know.  Let me first say that everybody handles adversity differently, everybody handles their struggles differently, and somewhere out in the world somebody always has it worse than you do.  I know this. I have felt like I have been pretty positive in facing my second bout with cancer. People comment on this a lot.  I try, I really do, because I know that there are healing qualities in having a positive attitude. Even the first time I was diagnosed I can only remember a handful of days (only individual days, not long stretches) that I was pissed off at the world. A few weeks I discovered my breaking point this time around, finding out my treatment plan.  Like my aunt said in reference to medical issues she has faced in the past...it was soul crushing.

On October 29 we had an appointment with my oncologist. We were hopeful going into this appointment.  We had been told several times that “they” thought I would be able to avoid chemo. So, of course wanting to avoid chemo, we had this scenario in our minds. My oncologist began by going over my pathology reports in depth, explaining every number and testing results...strong positive results for estrogen and progesterone, moderate rate of cancer cell growth, clear margins. She had spent a lot of time considering my “case”,which was a bit out of the norm, and talking to my oncology surgeon. She went onto tell me about scenarios when chemo is recommended, about my situation, and then finished with, “I am inclined to recommend chemo.” Every cancer patient knows damn well this is a possibility, but I think until you actually hear that it doesn’t really hit home.  I just nodded and said, “Ok”, and focused on listening intently and taking in everything she had to say regarding treatment...every three weeks for six cycles, 15 weeks from start to finish, several hour treatments with time beforehand preparing to start treatment. A treatment plan and drugs that aren’t on the aggressive side because my situation doesn’t warrant such aggressive measure.  A “milder” plan that doesn’t have side effects that can cause serious medical problems in the future, but there will be immediate side effects that will go away after treatment.  Side effects that include fatigue, nausea, fluid retention, and hair loss.  Hair. Loss. The one thing that EVERYBODY associates with chemo. I’m going to lose my hair.  Tony asked my oncologist about how long after my first treatment would I start losing my hair, about three weeks.  She said by the time she sees people back for their second treatment they have already started losing their hair and by their third treatment they have usually already shaved their hair off. Then there is the knowledge that chemo drugs are going to be coursing through my veins through a port that will be inserted into my chest with a direct line to my jugular vein (more about this later, at this point it has already been placed). That was October 29th. We were sent home to discuss and decide if we would go ahead and take my oncologist’s recommendation for chemo.  We called the office back within an hour and told them we were going to do it.  Really, what other choice could I make.  Like a friend recently said regarding my upcoming Thursday, “Two days until you make a brave choice that is much bigger than you. You've got four others in that house that need a mom.” Those four others are much bigger than I am and they do need me.  My fears are much smaller than them needing me.

Thursday...our appointment with my radiologist. Like my oncologist she said she felt like she already knew me because there had already been so much discussion and reading of my scans and reports trying to figure out the best treatment route. Her decision was absolutely no question, radiation 4-8 weeks following chemo, five days/week for about six weeks. Another “point” in my week, not a “high point”.  She said preparation for treatments starts two weeks prior to my start date for a CT scan to get an exact picture of my anatomy, heart, lungs, thyroid, lymph nodes, etc.  This is necessary because of the part of my body where I would be receiving radiation and the body parts that would be lucky enough to receive radiation in addition to my breast...my heart, my lung, my thyroid.  Awesome. I asked her if the CT scan would pic up the spot on my aorta in hopes of being able to avoid an additional blast of radiation. She said people are always concerned about the amount of radiation they will be exposed to in various tests and rightfully so, but in this case she said the radiation I will be receiving DAILY is 25x that of a CT scan. So basically being concerned about one additional CT scan really isn’t worth the worry. :-/ And, of course, like with everything there are side effects.  Immediate side effects are fatigue, skin irritation and neuropathy.  Those she wasn’t as concerned about, her major concern was for the lasting effects, the long term effects.  The long term effects because I have a long term, because of my age (which she said she considers my biological age at 30 instead of 42 because of my health and being in shape). Because of the area that will be affected by radiation it can cause damage to my heart, lung, and thyroid. She said the damage to my lung will show up in a CT scan, but most people don’t really notice a change in lung capacity, but do to my activity level I may very well notice. The possibility of cardiac disease is now a risk for me, but that is an unknown until 10, 20, 30 years down the road.  Thyroid issues that would have to be regulated with drugs.  It is also know that radiation can cause new cancers unrelated to the original cancer so I will never be in the clear.  I will always have to be on the watch for changes, not immediate, but down the road, 10, 20, 30 years.   Cosmetic changes, messing with my reconstruction on the left side and because radiation weakens the tissue it is possible that it can’t be surgically fixed because radiated tissue does not heal as well as healthy tissue. But, supposedly the benefits of having the radiation to reduce the risk of breast cancer outweighs all of that. I guess all the science and studies confirms that and we have to trust in our doctor who we are comfortable with and we do trust. That doesn’t make it any easier to swallow and wonder what issues I could face in the future.  

So here is my full treatment plan:
Chemo-every three weeks for six rounds beginning November 20th
Radiation-four to eight weeks following chemo, when I have recovered from chemo, five days/week for about six weeks
Tamoxifen-daily for five to ten years

The only way I can describe it is daunting and overwhelming. Because of the lifestyle I live, pretty healthy and active, I have always felt I would live a very long life, right now I honestly don’t feel that way anymore.  I feel like I am going to have a lot of things thrown on my body that it has to fight against and endure, things that I have no control over and in the long run I hope my body can handle it.  Thankfully I am young, strong, and fit. Right now I try not to think about it, but I’m not going to lie, it’s very hard.  It keeps me awake at night and I have trouble falling asleep. My next six months are weighing on my physically and mentally. Like I have told a couple people today, I’m scared and my heart aches.  It’s soul crushing.

Tomorrow I have a “Chemo Teach” appointment.  I meet with the oncology nurses to hear about yet more side effects and to find out what to expect.  How my treatment days will go, how I may feel during treatments, and what the weeks in between may be like.  I will receive an injection the day after treatments to boost my immune system because my white blood cells will take a beating from the chemo.  I was told being young will play in my favor and my white blood cells may respond okay without the injection.  Only time will tell once I get going with treatment and we see how my body handles it.  So Thursday morning I begin the hardest part of my battle of Cancer 2.0 and getting to the other side.  It isn’t going to be pretty, but I have the support of my family and many amazing people around me.  Thank you to the people in my life for that.  There are important healing qualities in that kind of support.  

I have more random topics to type about, but those will be for a later day.  Homework beckons me and honestly, I’m a bit mentally wore out today. However, I knew I wanted to get something posted before I start my new battle on Thursday.  I quick catchup before my Treatment Room Chronicles begin.

{high points, big points..just points}

Well, it’s been over a month since I posted last, but it seems like far more than a month’s worth of “stuff” has been crammed into the last month.  Since I am way behind on updating on my Cancer 2.0 journey I will try to hit the high points, well lets say the big points because a “high point” is a bit deceiving.  ‘High point” makes me think of something fun and positive.  “Hey, John! What was the high point of your trip to Europe?” “Buying a new car was the high point of my month!” [Which actually happened in my world last month :)]  “The high point of my day was having lunch with my girlfriends.” Those are high points, there haven’t been many Cancer 2.0 high points.  So let’s sit down and catch up, shall we?

Last we spoke we were waiting...waiting on surgery, pathology results, oncology appointments...just waiting. All the waiting for these events has ended.  Surgery on October 13, I had a lumpectomy.  There was a high point on this date, this was the easiest surgery I have ever had.  I was more concerned about coming out of surgery than I was about the actual surgery.  Every surgery I have had it takes me ages to fully wake up and I am nauseous for hours and always end up throwing up.  Every time I have surgery the anesthesiologist changes my “cocktail” to try to make it easier on me and they never quite get it right.  Until this man Dr. Denny came into my life, he is my new favorite man in my surgical life.  He eliminated gasses from my cocktail and hit the nail on the head!  After surgery, I heard them say my name and I started to wake right up, I was with it enough to take long drags through my oxygen mask and I didn’t have one moment of nausea.  The heavens opened up and the sun shone down into my room.  Hallelujah! Easiest surgery ever! Granted the surgery was only about an hour so that made a difference I’m sure, but regardless I was thankful for whatever Dr. Denny mixed up for me.  I also didn’t use a single Rx painkiller, Advil a total of three times did the trick. So freaking easy! So, I had a fantastic surgery experience as far as surgeries go and I have a fantastic new scar to show for it. 

Onto my appointment for the  pathology results...clean margins! The best news we could hear from the lumpectomy.  Okay, that is a high point, too. My doctor was concerned about being able to get enough margins to test.  The issue was that since I have had a mastectomy and have no breast tissue the only margins that were available were skin and muscle.  Originally it looked as if the the tumor was sandwiched between the skin and muscle, but it had actually grown into the muscle a bit.  My doctor ended up having to take a small chunk of muscle to get tissue around to test, but on the skin side really couldn’t get much, but with what she was able to take tested clear which means there were no cancer cells in the surrounding tissue. The tumor was dumbbell shaped {duh. ;-)} and measured 1cm x 4mm at it largest point. A centimeter long seems significant to me, but at least it wasn't a centimeter round. That would not have been a good thing, not that the tumor I had was a good thing, but I think you get what I'm say.  At this appointment we were also given recommended options for the unknown nodule on my aorta.  My doctor said if it were her she would wait a couple months, have another PET scan, and see if there were any changes to the nodule.  The other option...there is a doctor here that said he could get to it with robotic surgery and it would be minimally invasive.  Well, what we found out is that minimally invasive meant collapsing a lung to get to my aorta.  It could weaken my lung and it could weaken my aorta.  We chose Door A, we will wait and have another scan at the end of December.  The risks of the surgery weren’t worth it. If my next scan shows a change then we will have to revisit the surgery option. We both feel comfortable with this course of action.  About a dozen doctors and radiologists looked at my scan and put a lot of thought and consideration into them.  All of them felt that it was benign and waiting to do a scan in a couple months was a safe option. 

That's a short and sweet catch up of a couple things. I think I am just going to leave this post at short and sweet because my next catch up post in my series of Cancer 2.0 points is a blog post all of its own...my treatment plan.  Stay tuned for the post that is everything that is testing my inner cancer ninja these days.

{life interrupted}

I’ve had better weeks.  I’ve had weeks that I have had time to get all my homework done, make dinner every night and not come uncorked on the kids.  I’ve had weeks that Tony didn’t have to travel, we went on our regular Wednesday night date night and I got all my workouts in for the week.  I’ve had weeks that the sun shone all week, I didn’t have a full schedule and I was able to go for a couple mountain bike rides and have coffee a couple times with friends. The last few weeks have not been weeks like that.  Tony left the morning of September 22nd for four days, I didn’t get any homework done, I didn’t get to ride my bike...and my/our world was turned all upside down...again...for the second time. I have freaking cancer...AGAIN. There are two truths about cancer.  Cancer in any way shape or form sucks and cancer is unpredictable, which is what makes it scary.

About three weeks ago I had a biopsy of a couple lumps that I found on my left breast (same side I had cancer on). I felt them awhile ago, but they were pretty small and kind of difficult to locate all the time.  Lately it seemed that they were a bit easier to locate.  I kept thinking, “I’m sure they’re nothing.” Then I started thinking, I don’t want to get six months down the road and find out they are “something” and it is an uglier “something” than it would have been six months ago.”  So I called my breast surgeon. They scheduled an ultrasound, followed up with an appointment to see her with the results. So the ultrasound day came and the lumps were located by the ultrasound tech followed up by a quick viewing by a radiologist. He said he thought they looked like small lymph nodes and didn’t look scary at all, but with my cancer history he wanted them biopsied. He stressed over and over that it didn’t look like anything, but he had seen not-so-scary things that ended up being scary so let’s do a biopsy just to check it out. That, my friends, is a little something called foreshadowing.

fore·shad·ow

fôrˈSHadō/

verb  1. be a warning or indication of (a future event).

I got the results four days later and they were positive, positive for cancer.  I have cancer A-FREAKING-GAIN (I’m sure that’s a word, UrbanDictioary it), Invasive Ductal Sarcoma to be exact. I had a PET scan last Tuesday and we met with my breast surgeon on Thursday to see the results.  The results...the lumps I found are pretty small. It feels like two lumps, but it is actually a dumbbell shaped tumor. Of course, I would have a dumbbell shaped tumor. :-)  “How did you even find them?”, the ultrasound tech asked,  I know my boobs, and ladies, you should too.  Get close and intimate with them, know what your normal feels like, pay attention to changes, and get them checked out if you feel something that feels different or doesn’t feel right.  Listen to your gut.  If you get them checked out and it’s nothing. Go have a cheeseburger and a glass of wine, because that is a very good day!  Sorry, back to the results, the lumps are small and showed very little hyper metabolic activity, which is good, it’s not growing rapidly which is what I took from that information. Radiation is in my treatment plan, at this point we aren’t sure about chemo, the dreaded word when you find out you have cancer that raises so many questions.  Will I have to do chemo? Will I lose my hair? What parts of my healthy body is it going to wreak havoc on? At least those are the questions that immediately come to my mind.  I will have a future post on the topic of the possibility of losing my hair.

Again, I digress...the results.  I will have a lumpectomy on Monday to remove the lumps.  This surgery will be a walk in the park compared to my surgery last time.  An hour procedure and no heavy lifting for two weeks (one week, it I didn’t CrossFit.  My doctor doesn’t trust me in the gym. lol), but I can ride bike. That is a perfectly okay compromise. So the lumps really aren’t the huge concern, the concern is the nodule on the front of my aorta that showed up in the PET Scan that nobody can explain. It presents itself as cancer, hyper metabolic activity (rapidly growing) and a ring of calcification (cancer cells calcify as they die), but breast cancer doesn’t spread to that area of the body.  When I asked if it could be an unrelated cancer my doctor said, “Yes, but cancer doesn’t generally develop on the aorta”, so what is it? She doesn’t know and neither do the seven doctors, including ones in New York, Florida, and Chicago that she sent my images to. It is NEVER a good feeling when your doctor and all her people don’t know what that “something” is on your aorta that is presenting itself as cancer.

So we wait, we play the crappy waiting game.  We wait for surgery, for pathology reports, and oncology appointments that couldn’t be scheduled until the end of the month. We wait and prepare for the real possibility of traveling to Seattle or Phoenix for a second opinion. I wait and try hard to remain strong and positive. I wait and continue to take care of my body through diet and exercise. I wait and I periodically break down crying because even though I don’t want to be and try not to be, I’m scared and worried. I wait and wonder what I’m up against in the next few months. I wait and just enjoy every day because there isn’t anything else I can do. I wait...I wait and try hard to remain strong and positive, because I know on the other side everything will be okay. I wait.

I have struggled with my decision to blog about this again, and if I do publish this post it is with great hesitation.  I’m still not sure if I have made the right decision for myself this time.  My blog lost it’s luster and healing qualities when I was told that I post in my blog because I seek attention from it. For those of you that read this, that is NOT the reason I started this blog.  I started my blog the first time around for the the therapeutic qualities of purging my “cancer ick” and the  possibility that just one person would stumble across it and find comfort in the knowledge that another person was feeling or going through the exact same thing. It served both purposes very well. I looked for something like that the first time around and couldn’t find it, the personal, raw, realness of cancer so I hoped somebody would find that in my blog.  You know what, that happened, more than once.  I have had a handful of women email me over the past 3 1/2 years that were going through the same or similar circumstances.  I have a new, amazing, strong friend in Illinois because of my blog.  Our cancer journey’s the first time around are exactly the same and she Crossfits, as well, there is comfort in that, the journey getting back to our place in our fitness world. I have always said the only good thing about having cancer is that you may have the chance to help somebody because of your experience. I’m guessing that is why cancer came knocking a second time, there must be somebody out there that my story will help or comfort. Time will tell...I guess I will just wait and see. That seems appropriate since “waiting” seems to be my theme lately.

{comfortable place, next left}

It’s been a long time since I have written a blog post having to do with breast cancer stuff, but I was reminded the other day that every now and then I should continue on with the reason I really started this blog.  A little reminder of that reason for my followers or simply to let you know if you are reading this for the first time.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over three years ago I got online to see if I could find something, anything about a CrossFitter that had breast cancer, cancer similar to mine, about the same stage, looking at the same treatment options and looking at slowly getting back to their “before” in the gym. I knew I could wade through treatment options, surgeries, etc., but I had no idea how to go about getting back to, or close to where I had been, in the gym.  I also wanted to find a blog written by somebody that didn’t sugar coat anything, kind of a “Girlfriend’s Guide to Breast Cancer”.  I didn’t want to read all the statistics, all the medical mumbo-jumbo, long lists of motivational quotes, etc.  I wanted to read the good, the bad and the ugly.  I wanted to hear the real stuff...the tears, the break throughs, the break-downs, the pissed off days, the joyful days, etc.  I couldn’t find anything that really caught my eye or reached to me like I had hoped.  So I decided to start my own blog and fill it full of the nit and grit that I tried to find to help me through, give me a real look at what I might experience, and see that somebody else was struggling with or celebrating what I was.

Since posting my first breast cancer related post on December 25, 2010, I have received many comments from many friends and family, some strangers, and several emails from fellow CrossFitters that were or are facing the same or similar things that I had.  Over three years after that first post I received yet another email the other night.  My initial reaction is always the same when I first read these emails. Sadness. I always tear up and am saddened that another woman’s  life is being directly touched, totally changed by cancer. I still distinctly remember the fear, the frustration, the sadness, the disbelief, etc.  I hate the thought of people feeling those things. This gal wrote something in her email that stuck with me, “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...it’s good to read that you can get there.”  “I’m trying to find a comfortable place in my life...”  All I could think when I read that is “Isn’t that the god’s honest truth?!” I remember doing that day after day after day. Days that felt like they would never end. Weeks and months down the road that seemed a lifetime away. Getting used to my new body, getting used to the idea that my boobs were never going to look “real” again, fighting to be patient everyday in the gym, trusting that a full recovery was going to happen, reminding myself daily that the most important thing in my life was that I was cancer free and things could have been worse...finding that comfortable place was not always an easy road. “...It’s good to read that you can get there”, and then there came a day that I got there and not surprising that it started in the gym with a 95# clean and jerk! (Well, okay, I mostly got there. I still have some days that I’m not happy with my ladies, they are kind of a work in process...more to come on that!) Wow, that comfortable place did exist!  

Comfortable Place, next left.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy to find with a huge sign boldly giving directions and somedays I wasn't sure it existed.  The journey there was more like a series of U-turns, dead ends, merge lefts, merge rights, one-way streets and speed bumps. But, none-the-less, there it was...just waiting for me to show up. MY comfortable place, MY place that I could move forward in, MY place that most people could never understand just how much that place needed to be found.

I  have always said the only good thing about getting cancer is you may be given the opportunity to help somebody that may be going through the same thing. Being able to connect with somebody that knows exactly how you are feeling or what you are going through provides a sense of comfort and hope that nobody else can give you.  A friend said to me, “To give others hope...real hope based on reality and not smoke and mirrors is one of the most awesome gifts one can give another...a gift that gives to both.” It’s true, it’s a gift to be given hope through the truth and it is a gift being able to give somebody even a tiny bit of hope when they are looking ahead and have no idea if they can get back to where they were before.  Hope can give you strength and patience you didn’t realize you had or strength and patience that you desperately need. 

To D, yes, you will do a pull-up again! And if you are like me, the first one will be scary and then you will drop off the bar and cry because at one point doing a pull-up again seemed like an impossible task. But, that first pull up quickly became a string of pull-ups and then before I knew it I was doing “Fran” just like everybody else. (I’m still not sure if that is a good or bad thing!)  It’s a slow road getting back to your “before”, but that “before” never felt so good!! Nobody can fully appreciate their strengths until they have to work so  hard to get them back. Cancer is a humbling, character building road.  A road I wish nobody had to travel, but, buried in the fear and hell of it you can make good of it. So, D, thank you for allowing me to continue to make good of it and reminding me of my comfortable place. You have no idea how much I have been needing to be reminded of that lately. You didn’t realize that by emailing me you are already making good of what you are going through. Your comfortable place is waiting for you to show up, just like mine was, and that pull-up will come! :-)  Good luck, thank you for reaching out to me and please keep in touch!

{my happiness project}

My girlfriend showed me this new book she is reading called "The Happiness Project".  She and I are always working on that perfect balance of being mom and wife and somehow finding a slice in there for ourselves.  I'm not going to lie, there are days where I am flat out unhappy.  I'm not happy with how I am doing personally, I am not happy with how parenting is going, I am not happy with my kids, I'm not happy with the condition of our house, I'm not happy with the never ending pile of laundry and dishes, etc.  Some days come and go and I am just not happy.  I don't like it.  I'm a huge fan of peace in my soul.  I feel it deep down inside of me, my soul.  It radiates out and brings peace to me.  I don't like not being happy.  It is draining, it is sad, it sucks the life out of you, it isn't healthy.  I haven't read this book YET, but I plan to when I finish the book I am currently reading (see below, part of my plan for the year).  I have only read the front and back covers.  The front cover spoke to my soul.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT...

Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to

Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets,

Fight Right, Read Aristotle, 

and Generally Have More Fun

I read the front cover and I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to start my own happiness project. I needed to change part of me this year.  2014.   Only I know what I need to be ultimately happy, a peaceful soul.  If I have a peaceful soul I am happy.  I need to sit down and start a journal.  I'm not much for writing in a journal (that's why I type on a blog), it will be more of a place to write my lists and ideas for my Happiness Project. A place to check in on myself and make sure I am following my plan.  I have an ongoing list of things I believe will bring peace to my soul.  I continue to have things come to my my mind and think, "Oh, yeah!  That is going to bring peace and joy to my life!  It's going to be like Christmas year round with all the peace and joy.

So here are some of my "surround myself with happiness" items that I am going to make a solid constant in my life.

Self-Improvement: Self Help books.  This is going to be my year of self help books. When I think "self-help books" I usually think relationship fixer-uppers, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.  I have Paleo books I want to read, organizing books, sex books (shhhhhhhh!!), parenting books, decorating books, college prep books for my daughter, etc.  There is a wealth of knowledge and ideas out there just waiting to sink into my brain.  School: Go back to school.  EEEEEK!  Scary and exciting all at the same time.   I've decided on accounting, going back to where I started and ended a very long time ago and as geeky as this sounds I am so excited. My plan is to gain some bookkeeping and payroll clients and work from home.  Flexibility around my family is key so we'll see how things go over the next two years.

Music: Turn music on every morning that makes me close my eyes and breathe.  Build my iTunes radio stations to make me inhale and exhale. Okay, sometimes feeling like a rock star is good for your soul, as well.  So I'll listen to Metallica, Five Finger Death Punch, and In This Moment, too. :-) And let's not forget that when music is playing that makes you sing like you have 20,000 fans screaming your name you should dance.  Don't forget to dance!

Close your eyes and breathe...

 

And dance!

CUT THE DAMN CLUTTER AND ORGANIZE!: Sorry, was I shouting? This was the very first thing I thought of when embarking on my Happiness Project.  We have limited storage space in our house and too much crap we don't need.  It's time to muck and purge our home.  It's time to get creative with fun storage options.  No plastic bins and storage containers.  I hate them.  It has to be fun. My family better watch their stuff.  It is at risk for being donated, trashed or burned. 

Home Decorating and Upgrading: Paint, replace, redo, redecorate. That pretty much sums it up. I will be calling on the help and expertise of a couple friends because just as I am fashionably challenged it spills into my ability to decorate tastefully.  Thankfully I have friends that have the eye for this and they are willing to help where I fall short.

Fill Up My Closet: Since I will be purging that means there will be a little bit of room for new clothes. :) I'll be shopping for clothes that make me feel stylish and put together.  With the help of my fashionista husband and being picky about what I buy I should have a happy closet in no time! First order of the year placed yesterday!! Happiness plus S & H.

Fun Family Time:  There is no reason to go on and on about this.  Everybody can use more fun family time.  Games, meals out, ice cream, bike rides, hikes, road trips, water slide season passes, skiing, lake time, Brookies Cookies, The Great Hamburger Search Summer 2014 (fries are rated and scored, too!)

Dates with my Hubby: One of my favorite things ever! Wednesdays and Saturdays are usually our date nights.  Wednesdays are for an appetizer and drinks and Saturdays are for dancing, movies, shopping, etc.  Sometimes Saturdays are family nights at friends houses, but more nights for US are mandatory for peace in my soul.

Hit the Trails: Last year after owning my pretty aqua colored mountain bike with sketched butterflies on it I finally took it out on a trail for a test ride.  OMG.  The heaven's opened up, a ray of sunshine shone down and angel's sang. Okay, none of that really happened, but I'll be damned if that isn't how I felt while out on the trail.  I hollered back at Tony at one point of the ride and asked him if he was enjoying it.  He said yes and then asked me, I yelled, "I LOVE IT!"  So began my obsession with my 10-year old mountain bike.  I say she is retro, but she gets me from point A to point B. I'm not your "balls to the wall" type of mountain biker.  I go balls to the wall at the gym all week.  My bike time is my time for peace and quiet and a little endurance.  I like rolling hills, maybe a bit of a steady uphill from time to time, but the rolling hills keep me going fast-ish and breathing hard.  That is what brings the sweet sound of angels singing to my soul.  I'm going to ride bike as much as possible this year and dream of the day I get new, lighter, flashier wheels to take me for a ride.  

I'm sure I will be adding to this list as the year goes on.  I already have a few other things in mind, but honestly I'm too lazy to type them up. :) So what brings peace to your soul?  Do you have things you want to enjoy this year to bring happiness to your life?  Happiness in your life spills out to those around you and all aspects of your life.  I'm looking so forward to 2014! How about you?