{the frantic calm before the storm}

This is just a post of stuff going on.  The time of getting ready for what is to come.  Today we had two pre-op appointments.  One with my oncology surgeon (I can't believe I have an oncology surgeon) and one at the hospital.  We were told what I won't be able to do with my arms after surgery.  We were shown the drains that I will have in place after the surgery and how to empty, measure and record the fluid that drains from the surgery site.  How long I will stay in the hospital (Only one night, which I think is crazy. :( But, I guess that is just me.)  Given a prescription for a beautiful (please read this with deep sarcasm) camisole that will zip up the front for ease of dressing and has pockets inside for the drain bulbs that are about the size of a lemon.  We also asked if we could see my MRI and we were given plenty of time to meet with my oncology surgeon so she could explain it to us.  The top half of my breast really is almost entirely abnormal.  The MRI showed lump after lump after lump.  She said, " Can I say from the MRI that they are DCIS?  No, but they are."   The "infected" area spanned a 5 centimeter area which really is most of my upper breast.  Not good, it does have to go.  The MRI also confirmed a lump that I felt, but one that a couple of my health providers didn't pay any attention to.  That was comforting that it was seen on the MRI and wouldn't be overlooked.   The tissue that is removed will be sent to the pathologist to see if there is any invasive cancer in my "bad" breast and my "good" breast will also be checked.  If there is any invasive cancer present.  We will deal with that and I would guess a new treatment plan when those results come back.  I try not to think about that right now.  That is a worry for another day.  She also said that she felt I made a good decision to have a mastectomy in my "good" breast for symmetrical reasons.  She doesn't know that this reason played the smallest role in my decision.  However, I trust my doctor and I felt good knowing that she felt I made a good decision. 

Next, we walk over to the hospital.  And, of course, it had to be the most Arctic like day in the Flathead Valley.  Brrrr!  Damn, it was a cold day in Kalispell! So, once we get into the warmth of Patient Registration we were directed to Admitting where I filled out another form that is just like a dozen other forms I have filled out and then a nurse took us back to sign a dozen more forms and to give us info on our anesthesiologist and I got to sign a form to have a free foot or shoulder massage before surgery.  Yes, ma'am!  Especially since my cousin is the massage therapist.  Also, my aunt is the OR Managing Nurse so my OR team was hand-picked by her and she quilts with my oncology surgeon.  This offers nothing to her skills as a surgeon, but I like that my aunt knows her socially and really likes her.  I feel like I am in pretty good hands. :D  My surgeon said we will be treated like queens.  Roll out the red carpet  when they wheel me out of the OR into recovery maybe.  I'll pack my best red carpet hospital gown and slippers!

Something we have discovered with a major medical situation is that surprises seem to pop up all the time.  Like being reassured that it would be shocking if anything was found on the mammogram. Bam! Biopsies.  99.9% sure there was no cancer. Bam!  Cancer.  Go home with these sample implants and choose a size.  Bam!  Sorry, the plastic surgeon will determine your initial implant size.  Registration and Admitting Pre-Op appointment. Bam!  Let's draw three vials of blood and take a chest x-ray.  Where the hell does a blood draw and x-ray fit into signing papers.  Neither were a big deal, but I like to know what to expect.  

So, that was our afternoon of pre-op appointments. We were both a little drained after we were done and our night started pretty quiet.  For me, I just flat-out don't want to have this done to my body.  I get it is for my health, but I don't want my chest tore apart and then pieced back together to look "normal".  For Tony, he said his biggest worry is something happening to me during surgery.  That breaks my heart.  I have thought about that, but I push that thought out of my mind because I don't want to think about that.  I want to believe all is going to be well on the other side.  I hope I get to that other side quickly and can get used to my new body and be okay with it sooner than later.

My surgery is scheduled for Wednesday at noon.  From what I have read it looks like surgery with the reconstruction could take 3-4 hours.  Ugh!  It doesn't matter to me as I will be sleeping, but I feel bad for Tony and my sister who may be keeping him company.  That is a long time to wait for a loved one in surgery.  That is brutal.  :(   What hasn't been lately, I ask?

We had to make plans for our kids for after school.  A wonderful family friend, Grandma Sandy, is going to come to our house at 3:30 to be here when the kids get home.  My girlfriend, S, will have Ty for the day and will bring him to our house after her son gets out of school and more wonderful friends, C & L, will make sure our girls get home after school.  It is a crazy bunch of organizing, but it worked out just fine.  Thanks to two fantastic ladies at Tony's office we will have dinner to put in the crockpot before we head to the hospital so there will be dinner at our house in the evening for the crew waiting at home.  Tony has my list of people I want contacted, he has his list, my grandma is lined up to pass post-surgery details onto my dad's side of the family and I will ask my sister to contact my dad and siblings.  Tony will also be posting to our gym's Facebook group page and to his status so keep an eye out for that.  As soon as I am able I will do the same.  It might be a little while so hang tight! :)  I think our bases are covered for Wednesday.

We have help lined up.  One of my sisters is coming tomorrow night, will head home Wednesday and then come back Friday to help for the weekend.  My dad will be home Thursday for at least a week and my other sister will be home next Thursday for the weekend.  Thanks to our gym we have some meals coming our way courtesy of some generous cooks so my family won't starve while I am down.  Which they wouldn't anyways because Tony does most of the cooking even when I am well. :D  My hairstylist and friend even offered to shampoo and fix my hair for me because I won't be able to lift my arms past 90 degrees for quite a while.  Fabulous!

So, as far as we know we might...kind of ... maybe...have things somewhat organized and we are ready for this.....umm, like I said, kind of, sort of.  I really don't think we will know exactly what we will need until we are in the middle of it.  So thank you to everybody who has offered us a helping hand.  We greatly appreciate it and you just might hear from us! ;)  Much love to all of you!

{nothing but love}

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful my gym is?  If you aren't working out at a CrossFit gym you are sorely missing out.  Wonderful things have been happening for me lately at our gym and because of our gym.  Here are just a few things that I want to share about our gym.  A bit random and varied, but all things with a common denominator.  CrossFit Flathead.

In addition to my wonderful family I am also blessed to have my CrossFit Flathead family that I spend time with four to five days/week.  This family starts with Coach B.  Coach B cares about each of his athletes and is at our gym for hours nearly everyday with one sole purpose, to make each of us stronger physically and mentally.  I have been fortunate enough to enjoy this first hand while I was training for our CrossFit Games Sectionals and Regionals competitions.  I spent many hours training with Coach B's perfect push and encouragement through countless workouts.  He pushes you when you don't think you can do one more rep or add five pounds for a new PR.  He knows what the human body is capable of and won't let you short yourself.  He was always in my ear hollering at me to get back on the bar to bust out all the pullups or pick the bar up to finish another set.  But, after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and even the couple of weeks leading up to my diagnosis while waiting for tests and results my coaching from him changed to give me exactly what I needed. 

First let me give you a little summary of how I feel at the gym and what makes me go most days of the week.  Physically I feel fine.  My body isn't in pain or hurting, but my soul and mental state is and that affects every part of my body.  My limbs feel like lead weights.  I'm not focused.  I'm distracted.  I don't really care about the workouts.  Sometimes, okay, many times I go only because I know I have to keep my body strong and I have limited workouts at my full strength before I start my long(ish) road of recovery.  Sometimes I go because I know I will just hole up in my house if I don't.  I go because I want to see these people who I have built friendships with that I have grown to love as my CF family.  Sometimes I go because I just want to see my CrossFit mom or I need a "Buf" hug.  How many of you get this from your gym????  You are missing out on something wonderful if you aren't at a place that fills you up like this or if you aren't experiencing this kind of community. 

So, this is how I have been feeling many days when it comes to the gym.  I really don't feel like going and moving.  My coach knows this.  Before he used to push me to keep going even when I didn't want to or if I put the bar down in the middle of a set, now I get gentle encouragement, a "great job" or he just lets me go through my workout.  When I broke down crying in the middle of a workout he came right over to me and got me to pick up the bar and stuck with me through most of the remainder of the workout so I would finish.  Just the other day when I showed up for "the" benchmark workout "Fran" he wrapped me up in a "Buf" hug and said he had been waiting for me all day and he knew I was going to get a PR.  I told him I didn't think today was the day because I had been crying off and on all day.  He just said, "Ok, we're just going to move and get through the workout."  For the first time since I joined CrossFit I quit a workout.  I have got to a point in workouts where I have  said, "I can't do this" and he would say something like, "Yes, you can!  Pick up the bar and go!"  Not on "Fran" Friday.  I dropped the bar in my second set of thrusters, started to tear up and said, "I just can't do this today" and for the first time ever in my time at CrossFit Coach B said, "Ok.  Do a couple of front squats and some pullups."  I was just given the permission to quit a workout and of all workouts "Fran".  Somehow being given the permission to quit by my coach didn't seem right.  At the exact same time this thought went through my head, "I am not going to let this damn cancer make me quit my first WOD ever."  I picked up the bar and kept picking away at it.  It was slow and not pretty.  I stopped in the middle of my workout to cheer Tony on.  I added 2:15 to my "Fran" PR (personal record).  BUT, I finished it and didn't quit.  I was okay with that.  I told a friend that took 1:00 off her time that I took one of her minutes for her.  I took one for the team. :-)  I'm okay with that. 

Tangent....Taking One for the Team...

Maybe I'm taking one for the team getting breast cancer.  Making my friends and family aware that this breast cancer thing is real and it doesn't discriminate due to age, health, fitness level or lack of risk factors.  I have no risk factors for breast cancer and actually have many things playing in my favor to NOT get breast cancer.  Cancer doesn't care.  You HAVE to be an advocate of your own health.  Make it top priority.  Ladies, do your monthly self breast exams.  Get to know your breasts and what your normal feels like. Pay attention and don't be afraid to have something suspicious checked out.  Follow your instinct.  Us ladies are good at that. I was told by my doctor that he was 99.9% sure there was no breast cancer and he would be shocked if the mammogram showed anything.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  I don't think this is a "glass half empty" way of thinking.  I think it is realistic.  It could be nothing, but it could be something.  You have to be ready, or as ready as you can be, for good or bad news, because you don't know.  You can be positive and know that whatever comes your way you will handle it and take care of it the best way you can because that is all you can do. 

Sorry about the tangent, onto more wonderful things at CrossFit. :-)  Last week Tony told me to wear my favorite workout clothes to the gym for our Saturday morning workout out. Huh?  He said, "That's all I'm going to say."  Hmmmm, no idea what that was about.  So Saturday rolls around and our friend who is a chiropractor joined us at the gym to set up his table to give our athletes some chiropractic care after the workout if they were interested.  He did this several weeks ago so I thought nothing of it.  Well, before the workout he came up to me and said, "My sister-in-law who is a photographer is coming to take pictures of you working out so you have pictures before your surgery." OMGoodness!  How cool is that?!  It was so fun.  A little weird at times knowing somebody is following you around taking your pic while sometimes doing moves and lifts just so she can get some pictures (I wish I would have remembered to swing a kettlebell! I always like KB pics), but it was fun and I partnered with Tony for the WOD so we will have pics of us working out together.  I was even able to bust out a muscle up after the WOD for a pic.  Not pretty, as usual, but I got one.  I want to thank P for thinking of doing this for me.  It was so thoughtful and I appreciate it so much.  A huge thank you to M for taking the pics.  I can't wait to see them and we need to get both of them into the gym to workout with us! :-)

Last, but not least.  Yesterday morning Tony asked me if I had looked at the CrossFit Flathead site yet.  I said, "No.  Will it make me cry?"  He replied, "I did."  So I clicked on my link to CrossFit Flathead for Sunday, the 30th and this is what I found.  I read it, teared up and read it again.  I don't know if I can even explain exactly what I felt when I  read it...all I can say is I am SO incredibly blessed to be a part of this community.  If you look in the comments you will see it isn't just our community here at CrossFit Flathead.  I was sent prayers from Crossfit Daholenga in Georgia!  This is what CrossFit is about!  It is about the people, the community, being a part of something bigger than you.  Seriously, it leaves me speechless.  It is awesome.  Again, I am SO blessed.  Thank you, thank you, thank you everybody, for all you do.

I am humbled everyday by the people around me, by the love and generosity of these people.  In and out of the gym.  I have said this before and I will say this again.  I know how amazing my friends and family are, but the amazingness (that's a word, right?!) that I have witnessed the past two months leaves me forever thankful to each and every one of you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Today I want to give a special shout out and thank you to my friend, R, from the gym.  She showed up at my house yesterday to help me clean for nearly three hours!  She even tackled the top of our fridge AND the oven.  That is true friendship!  :-) Thanks, again!!!

{soul under construction}

What are you going to do for your soul in 2011?  Here we are already closing in on the end of January already.  Did you make New Year's Resolutions?  I don't like to make New Year's resolutions.  Strike that, I did publicly resolve to quit giving up lattes.  So far so good! :)  For the most part I think if you are going to make changes or set goals for yourself you shouldn't wait until January 1st to do it.  Today is a good day to do that.   So I didn't make any resolutions for the year.  Instead I'm making a list of things I'm going to do for my soul.

• Take care of the never-ending mass of pictures that are stacking up in my computer.  Print them and put them in albums.  Put pictures in frames that have been sitting in my closet unused.  Put together the big collage of family pics that I have been wanting to do along my stairs.


• Take care of things at home.  Sew with Abigail more.  Teach Kenna to sew on her new sewing machine.  Bake with Kenna.  Sort through the clutter piles that weigh on me that have stacked up over the past couple busy years. Try more new Paleo recipes.  Cook more.  Read more to the kids. Play more games. Etc.


• Be creative.  Take fewer orders and sew more for myself.  Try new things.  Use patterns, pattern books and fabric that I have been itching to use, but haven't had the time.  Start a "green" line of bags.  Sew gifts for friends.  Sew items to donate. Do more feel good sewing. Make one Christmas gift per month. Start a sewing bee day with like-minded sewing friends.


• Be patient with myself with my recovery and my slow climb back in the gym.  Beat my "Fran" time somewhere on the other side. New deadlift PR.  Figure out that 2nd pull on the clean and snatch.  Find a jump rope that will make me a double under ninja and get a PR on "Annie".


• Take a trip to Denver to visit one of my best friends.  Take a weekend trip or two to my "beach" within driving distance, Wallace, ID.  I know!  Wallace?? I got so many, "You're going where?" comments when I went for a weekend. I love that little town and I was very pleased to see that it made Budget Travel magazine's "2009 Coolest Small Towns". :) I'm not the only one!  I should blog my Wallace weekend sometime...hmmmm......


• Get a another tattoo. :D


• Take up hot yoga again.


• More dates with my husband.  In home dates, walking dates, shopping dates, coffee dates, hiking dates, overnight dates, driving dates, quiet dates, funny dates, just dates...

So there you have it.  I've put my soul under construction and here are the things I'm going to do for my new and improved soul.  All feel good things and "feel good" is good for the soul.  What are you going to do for your soul?  Make your own list and put it someplace where you will always see it and be reminded of the work you want to do on your soul.  Do something "feel good" for your soul!!

{moving forward}

I can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's been one of those days.  I've been saying this to myself off and on all day.  Tonight I was wrapped up in Tony's arms crying and said, "I don't want this to be me."  I wouldn't wish it on anybody else, but I don't want it to be me. 

On Monday I heard from my plastic surgeon's office that my surgery had been scheduled for next Wednesday, February 2nd.  Thank goodness!  We have been waiting to hear this news.  We couldn't wait to have surgery scheduled so we could see the end of this side of breast cancer.  I was so relieved to know my surgery date and at the same time felt like I was going to throw up.  Anxiety has set in and I expect will become a little more everyday until next Wednesday.  I am feeling very comfortable with my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy, but having a date scheduled for surgery makes it very, very real.

I was thinking today while I was driving around enjoying my happy place latte that I have never had a big surgery and here I am getting ready to have huge surgery.  This isn't your everyday make an incision, fix something up and sew you back up kind of surgery.  This is cut you open, throw away that piece, remove all of that and throw it away and then shove something foreign in its place to fill it back up.  Oh, yeah and come back three months later to add a couple more parts and then stop back in for a little ink.  This is huge surgery that I have not choice, but to be ready for.  I am kind of feeling like my body is going to be defaced and pieced back together.  Frankenstein boobs that will hopefully turn into pretty ones when all the reconstruction and healing are done. 

I have two things going on in my head.  Glass half empty . . . I have a sense of dread about the other side.  I don't want to see my breasts after surgery or the following 12 weeks.  I'm seriously going to try my best not to make eye contact with my new girls post-surgery.  I don't want to see them unfinished and not pretty as they heal.  I'm afraid of choosing implants that are going to be too big for my comfort even though I am not trying to go big at all.   Glass half full . . . I am trying so hard to be okay with how my body is going to be.  Afterall, there is nothing I can do about it.  I have no choice (cancer does that, takes away your choices), but to make it my new normal, my new me.  I am getting a "free" boob job on my insurance and that is making good use of those insurance premiums!  Most importantly I will be cancer free.  I'm trying hard to hang out in this part of my brain.  My head and heart wants to be okay with this.  I don't want to dwell on this afterwards.  My goal is to move forward. 

Moving forward.  Having surgery is going to allow me to do this.  Right now I am in a holding pattern, there is nowhere to go.  I was given a surgery date and all of a sudden I could see the lights on the runway leading me to the end of the first leg of this little cancer flight.  A little layover in the hospital and then catch my flight to my cancer free destination.  I'm so ready to be there.  I was there before but truly didn't appreciate it.  I never thought that I would be a statistic, 1 in 200,000 women that get breast cancer every year.  I guess most people don't appreciate being cancer free until they no longer are cancer free and have to fight their way back.  I am thankful everyday that my fight is going to be shorter and "easier" than fights that many others have fought, but it is still a tough fight.  It is still cancer and I am tired of hearing medical professionals say, "Oh, you have the good kind of cancer."  Really?!  Is there really a good kind of cancer? I think that is the stupidest thing I have heard in the past seven weeks.  And what is stupid that I have heard it more than once.  "Oh, you have the good kind of winter boots."  Not stupid. "Oh, you have the good kind of perfume." Not Stupid.  "Oh, you have the good kind of cancer." Stupid.  You get it.  That statement doesn't make me feel any better about losing my breasts to this evil disease.  It takes a lot from you no matter what kind of breast cancer you have.  It leaves you to pick up the pieces to start building yourself back up.  Physically and metally.  But, I'm guessing on the otherside is a stronger and better me.  I know I can build myself up.  It is going to take patience and time.  Time I have, patience no so much, but I will learn!  I have amazing support and people that are willing to help me build myself up, encourage me and pick me up when I have a bad day.  I don't know what people do that don't have a strong support system.  It saddens me to think about that because I couldn't have done this without my friends and family behind me.  I'm truly blessed and hope that everybody that is faced with cancer finds one person to support them and hold their hand when they need it.  Just one person can make a difference.  Thank you everybody for making a difference in my life!

Enjoy one of my recent messages from a friend.  It made me laugh and I love anything that makes me laugh. :-)

"For what it is worth. February 2 is a strong mojo day. Not only is it ground hog day, but it is also the anniversary of my divorce which is a sacred day in our house. This year I bequeath you all of my 2/2 good mojo so don't be surprised if you are a bit light headed as a result. You can also borrow what ever strength you may need from me."

{make mine a double}

Having to make decisions in this cancer process has been brutal for me.  First, every decision is a big one and, two, I can't make a decision to save my life.  I think my two biggest decisions have been which plastic surgeon to have do my reconstruction and whether to have a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy.  The first one was finally behind me on Thursday.  The second one has been a back and forth process.  First, I decided to just have both done to greatly reduce my risk of getting cancer again.  Then, I decided that I couldn't stand the thought of losing both breasts so I decided to just have a mastectomy done in my "bad" breast unless my doctor recommended otherwise, keep as much of my body as possible.  So, when my MRI came back and my doctor said she wouldn't do anything with my right breast because it was clear I was happy with my choice.  As you may have read in my blog a few days ago a friend's doctor told her to enjoy her life with her breast instead of without it when you may never get cancer in it.  Whew.  That sounded good and I was settled with my decision.  But, then my friend sent me something that her first doctor said that stated a strong case for a bilateral mastectomy and I also started thinking about something my plastic surgeon said.  So, my Friday was spent wondering if I was making the right decision.  My friend's surgeon stated that by choosing a bilateral mastectomy you have a very high likelihood of living a cancer-free life.  By leaving that breast alone you face a lifetime of very close screening via mammograms, MRIs, biopsies, ultrasounds, etc. Not to mention the constant worrying of getting cancer again.  

My plastic surgeon's argument was that being done having kids I don't need them for functional reasons anymore.  If I only did one side my breasts would look a little different from each other and they wouldn't feel the same since one would have all the tissue removed under the skin.  I really started thinking about this because I know that I want my new normal to be even, symmetrical, matching.  I hate the thought of them not being the same.  If they are the same to me it seems more "normal"  instead of mismatched.  This is very important to me.  I don't know why.  I just don't want to feel pieced together to make things even.  I know this may make no sense you y'all, but it does in my head.  I just have a need for a matched set.

So, today I spent most of my day struggling with what to do.  Mostly my head and heart kept going back to taking both, get rid of virtually all risk of getting cancer again.  But, there was still a big part of me that was so worried about making the wrong decision.  And, frankly, I am afraid of losing something that defines me physically as a woman.  I know I get replacement parts, but still I am losing the "real" part of my body and that is scary.  I worry about regretting my decision, because as we all well know there is no going back.  It isn't like getting implants and then later deciding you don't want them.  You can undo that and still have your real breasts.  If I decide later that I made the wrong decision, well, too bad.  I'm stuck with my decision.  So in the midst of Tony and I talking about this, weighing the pros and cons and frantically cleaning the house for a birthday slumber party for several eight-year-olds we got some information in the mail that tipped my decision to one side and helped me make my decision.  Bills and Explanations of Benefits from our insurance.  As of today, we have nearly $9,000 in medical charges and nearly $3,000 due out-of-pocket and we haven't even stepped foot into the operating room.  Deductibles on MRIs, deductibles on diagnostics, copays, etc.  I have better things to spend my money on instead of over-inflated medical costs.  What we are paying out of pocket to date we could go on a nice little family vacation, we could put it into the kid's college fund, we could fly to South Dakota to visit family instead of drive, I could get that mini tummy tuck that I went to bed dreaming about, we could save for a big-ass-rainy day, we could made two extra mortgage payments, etc.  You get the idea.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying deductibles on MRIs, mammograms, biopsies, etc.  I want to move on and not do this anymore.  I want to leave breast cancer behind me.  I don't want it in the back of my thoughts everyday and showing up every six months when I have to have some sort of screening done.  I want to move forward, get used to my new body, go bra shopping, show a little cleavage in a tank top, be a survivor that isn't reminded every six months that I am still at high risk for breast cancer.  I want to live my life cancer free and I can't do that with a breast that is still at risk for cancer.  No thank you.  So Monday I will call my doctor's office and order a double.  Make it a strong one because I plan to enjoy it for the rest of my cancer-free life.

{it's the little things...actually they're big}

I know some of my last few posts have been a little frustrating, gloomy, sad, etc. on my part.  I guess that's okay.  I'm going through a frustating, gloomy, sad roller coaster right now and I get to have those days and those blog post days.  But, today, right now I am feeling some calm.  I decided to skip my morning workout (don't worry, Coach, I will be in later!), I put on real clothes instead of my usual workout clothes (wearing a tight, skinny black top that makes me feel pretty damn good!), packed up my computer and I'm sitting at a coffee shop with my latte right by a window.  The sun isn't shining, but it is bright and the daylight at my side feels good.

Today for my post I am just going to share some random and favorite things I have recieved from my incredible support group of family and friends.  There are so many more than those that I copied here, but this is a start.  I've said this before, but we all know how amazing our friends and family are, but in the time of crisis and sadness people go above and beyond amazingness (I'm sure that's a word!).  So, behold, the amazingness of my loved ones! (In no particular order.)

"Most beautiful lady, so when thinking of you tonight, I opened my bible praying that I could find something more than just some "bible verse" for you--something that was meant for you to hear. I don't know why I'm always so shocked at how ...God works, because that is just how He works, but I thumbed my bible and here is where it landed . . . Matthew 8:7. Then, no joke, my fingers landed upon Jeremiah 30:17a.(and no, I didn't have these memorized, but I do now!) You will win. You are Trina Kick-Ass Vanorny--the one who makes me need a new pair of undies everytime Buf has me partner with you."

"Don’t give into fear and panic. It tears down your immune system."

"Faith, not fear"

"'...and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. ... We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I Survived.' From the novel Little Bee by Chris Cleave. I read this and thought this is for you my friend Trina! Be Strong:)"

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But, I've bought a big bat, I'm already you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" ....It's like a badass Dr. Seuss. :)

 

 

"Holy shit Trina."

"Trina the Dragon-slayer. You slay a dragon every time Buf says 3-2-1 Go! Some have been small, some have been large; this will be a huge dragon, but you'll slay it too. I will be praying for you, Tony and the kids. You have a group of people from the Crossfit Box alone that will rally for you. I'm sure the rest of the people you touch in the rest of your life feel the same way. I hope there isn't a day that goes by where you don't feel that from someone around you."

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4 ... Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"I just wanted to tell you that my heart is breaking and I wished that I could just hold you and tell  you that everything will be OK. "

"That's my girl - you will always stand up with it!"

"I do have to say it just hurts inside-that empty feeling-but I am sure what I feel is nothing compared to what you are and will be going thru-I just hope and pray everyday that in the end everything will be ok- lots of love and hugs and tears."

"I don't always say the right things, but know I pray for you every night."

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHW1K2LeQXE

"MY SISTER HAS BAD ASS TA-TAS!!!!!!! If you love your bad ass ta-tas, feel 'em up!!!!! Save the ta-tas!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (one heart for each of my sisters, my daughter, and my nieces!)"

"Stage zero should not even be a term! There is no "zero" about this. Your whole life is changing and that matters. If there IS a scale, this change is off the charts."

"I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick."

Isaiah 43:2-5 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze....Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo&ob=av2nm

{results and my re-creator}

Now is a much better day to write about my MRI results.  I have kind of been a mess since my doctor called Tuesday afternoon with my results and I'm finally cleaning that mess up a bit and feeling better.  So the results really weren't a surprise, but for some reason hearing the words out loud from the doctor really brought even more of the reality home.  The good news is that the other breast and my lymph nodes are clear.  Onto my rogue boob, she said the MRI showed that almost the entire top half of my breast is abnormal.  She said she can't say for sure from the MRI if it is all cancerous or if it is invasive.  She said she can't remove the abnormalities and conserve enough of my breast for me to have a decent breast (honestly, they really aren't decent now! lol).  A mastectomy and reconstruction is my best and only option for a nice looking breast on the other side.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  I'm not sure why because this is the treatment plan I had already decided on.  After thinking about it I think it is because I have no choice now.  Before I had a choice of treatment plan, now I have no control.  Cancer tends to do that, takes your control away.  I also hate the idea that my breast is so bad it has to be taken from me.  A part of my body is being TAKEN from me.  I know this "taking" is for my health, but I am still losing a part of me and I guess I am mourning that upcoming loss.  Thankfully, my doctor said she wouldn't recommend doing anything with the other breast as a bilateral mastectomy was a consideration to reduce my risk of getting cancer in the other breast.  I had already decided before hearing from my doctor to keep my "good" breast.  Mentally I wasn't ready to lose both of my girls.  A friend that is going through the same thing that I am shared her perspective on this same decision, something her doctor told her.  "I'd rather keep my breast and have my life with it than take it away because I am afraid of a cancer that I might never get."  I totally agree.  So those are my results.

So now that all of my tests are done and the results are in it is time to move onto step number 3 or 4 or 5 or whatever damn step I am on at this point.  Meeting with a plastic surgeon, my breast re-creator.  I have decided to keep my plastic surgeon choice my little secret until after my surgery.  Choosing my plastic surgeon has been a great source of stress for me.  We have two plastic surgeons in the valley and I have heard pros and cons about both.  Some people had VERY strong opinions about each of them and it made my decision very hard.  I went back and forth in my decision many times.  In the end my final choice was based on my gut feeling, how much I enjoyed said surgeon in their office, Tony's opinion and a little insider recommendation from somebody I love and trust.  So we got a lot of info today.  How the procedure is done &  how implants would be placed.  How long the entire reconstruction process would take, two surgeries, one minor and a date with a tattoo gun (that will be a fun when somebody asks how many tattoos I have! lol)  We looked at a lot of before an after pictures & I had my first topless photos taken against a beautiful turquoise painted wall.  I got a quote on a mini tummy tuck (which I want so much more that new boobs!) and I left with three implant samples to stuff into bras so I can decide on my new bra size. Whew, we had a busy afternoon. 

I have always talked about wanting new prettier boobs, but I have really never been 100% sure if it was something I wanted done.  Now I have no choice and I discovered I really didn't enjoy the process of deciding on how "big" I want to go.  It didn't look natural, didn't feel right.  So, I decided on the smallest implant which will put me right at the size that I have always said I wanted to be.  That size that I didn't appreciate enough when I was in high school. :-)

So with a little hesitation, praying I was making the right decision, I called my breast doctor and told them my plastic surgeon choice.  So the coordinating of schedules begins and they will be calling me soon with a surgery date. Ahhhhh......

48 hours of tears, frustration, and now a little relief.  One more step toward the other side.

{it's hard work}

I've decided trying to be stong and positive is hard work.  I am finding that I am weary all the time and feel heavy.  I'm tired and just want to sleep in every morning.  I don't want to stay in bed all day, but I want to delay the start of my days.  I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I went because I knew I had to.  I need to keep my body strong to speed up my recovery.  So to the gym I went.  We were loading up our bars for some heavy deadlifts when Coach gave out a shout, "now we are going to load up some weight!"  I instantly thought, what if you are already carrying a bunch of weight.  Right smack, dab on your shoulders.  My workouts have gotten so slow, I've added minutes to my time on short workouts. I feel like I can't move, like my limbs weigh a ton.  I can't catch my breath (more than usual), like a panic type "can't catch my breath".  I feel like I am trying to move through deep mud.  I broke down crying in the middle of a set of deadlifts today (more on that later) and not sure I would have picked it back up had Coach not walked over to push me to keep going.  I finished my set with tears streaming down my face. 

When I first found the lumps in my breast I could go to the gym and get away from my worries for at least one hour in the day.  Because during a CrossFit workout it is pretty near impossible to think about anything else except getting done with the workout.  Our workouts don't give me that one hour of reprieve from my head anymore.  It's always there, I always feel it.  A friend asked me today if I can ever forget about it during my day.  I can't.  I try quite often not to dwell on it, but it is always there. 

So I will keep doing my best to be strong and positive, but mind you it is hard work.  But, I am used to working hard and pulling a lot of weight when it seems like I can't pull anymore.  I can't promise I will do it without those damn tears, but I will keep pulling that weight even when more plates are thrown on.  Like Coach's sound words of encouragement today after I noted that the weight was heavy today after pulling a couple warmup reps.  Without missing a beat he said, "For somebody else it is!"  So I guess the weight isn't more than I can handle. I just have to load up, set my back and pull.  Somehow you can always stand up with more weight than you ever thought you could.  So, cancer, throw as many plates on as you want.  I can still stand up with it!

{MRI...check!}

Today was MRI day.  The last test to be done.  Last week we found out my genetic testing results came back negative which was a very good thing.  It's about time something came back negative!  I've never had an MRI so didn't know what to expect.  I'd heard how some people find it claustrophobic and it is very loud.  I was asked if I was claustrophobic, but I had no idea.  I've never been in a situation that would let me know if I was or wasn't.  I've never looked at a small space and thought I should crawl in there and see if it freaks me out.  After seeing the MRI machine I figured I could handle it.  It is open on both ends and it is light in there.  I really didn't want to take any Valium to get through it as I hate taking anything and I knew I wanted to workout later in the day and didn't want anything in my system.  So I decided to tough it out, close my eyes and remain calm. 

My order was for a breast MRI (duh).  Still "just" a chest MRI was a whopping $3200.  Holy crap!  It started with me laying face up.  This part only lasts 7-8 minutes, but this was the part that I noticed my breathing start to get a little anxious.  It was when I opened my eyes and the top of the tube was RIGHT there.  So I closed my eyes, relaxed my breathing and went to a happy place.  It worked and before I knew it the short 7ish minutes were over.  The second part of the MRI involved an IV that I wasn't really pleased about, but the nurse was very competent and speedy and it was over before I knew it.  The IV was so they could push "contrast" into my system.  This did something that causes the tissue to "light up" on the MRI.  I was told some women have reported feeling a cold rush, nothing at all or nausea.  Hmmmm, sounds fun.  Let's hope for the best.  If I felt nauseous and had to let them know I had to puke and stop the test I would have to reschedule and come another day.  Right now I'm hoping my breakfast stays down as I 1) didn't want to puke on the floor of the MRI room and 2) I didn't want to reschedule. After the IV was in place it was time to lie face down on the breast MRI "table".  They placed a massage table type thing on the bed with a place for my face to sit in and for my lovely boobs there were two holes for them to dangle through.  It was fantastic!  They pump oxygen in under your face so you have fresh air (which I was thankful for), put my headphones back in so I could listen to "Stuck on You" by Lionel Richie and "relax" for the final part of the MRI that would last about 30 minutes.   I was told an MRI was loud and that is no joke.  There were loud beeps, grunts, etc.  It made no sense to me why it had to be so loud, but after only getting four hours of sleep the noise didn't keep me from dozing off and on throughout the procedure and before I knew it I was done and sent on my merry way.

So now the waiting game starts AGAIN.  The three radiologists that could read my MRI will all be out-of-town until Monday.  Ugh!  But, I don't think getting the results any earlier than next week would move my surgery along any.  After the results come in we will have all the info needed to make a final treatment plan.  The MRI will show if the cancer has become invasive at all.  We are hoping that isn't the case and we can move forward easily with our decided on plan of action.  I'm not sure how long it takes to orchestrate a crew of my surgeon, the oncologist and the plastic surgeon, but I've heard once a treatment plan is chosen things move pretty quickly.  That is fine with me.  I am ready for surgery to be done so I can start on my recovery.  I want my surgery to be scheduled ASAP, but it can't be before next weekend.  My daughter is turning eight and her birthday party with her friends is next weekend and her party takes priority over my surgery.  A few days isn't going to hurt.  She was very concerned that I was going to be in the hospital over her birthday.  There isn't much I can control in this process, but planning so my baby gets to enjoy her big day with her friends is something I can.  So wait I will until her big day is celebrated properly.

So that was MRI day.  Glad it is over and I'm one step closer to being cancer-free!

{look, cupcakes}

Because I don't want my blog to end on a down note today I am going to quickly post the fantastic suprise I received in the mail today.  My sister-in-law is a cake decorating ninja!  She makes the most amazing, awesome, holy crap cakes you've ever seen.  Gumball machines, RVs, catepillars, Cinderella's carriage, turkeys, "Twilight" inspired cakes, etc.  "Not Your Everyday Cake" is what she calls her cake decorating business and that pretty much hits the nail on the head!   And lucky for us, her talents spill over into cupcake splendor.  Read on and behold the masterpiece, well masterpieces, she sent me.  She said it just made sense to "take a bite out of Breast Cancer." :)

So, if you are reading my blog you know that I was ready to kick my body to the curb this morning.  I still kind of want to, but I feel much better after some tears, laughs with the kids, incredible messages of encouragement and love, and then straight from the hands of my mailman came the "icing on the cake", so to speak.  Boob cupcakes complete with a little pink ribbon!!!!

I had planned to take the kids to Coldstone tonight to help drown my sorrows in a dish of Mojo Mudpie.  Instead, we went to the grocery store, we each picked out a single serving tub of ice cream in our flavor of choice (chocolate, cookies and cream, double fudge brownie and mocha almond fudge), came home and enjoyed a boob cupcake with some ice cream.  It seemed a little wrong to give my kids a boob cupcake, but it was just too damn funny! 

Thank you so much to my sister-in-law for thinking of me and taking the time to make my day better.  Little did she know this wonderful, hilarious surprise would arrive on a day that I needed it most.  You have to find humor in everything to get you through. Laughter IS the best medicine.   Thank you for the laugh when I needed the biggest dose!

{mutiny}

Today I'm pissed at my body.  When I was first diagnosed a friend who has battled cancer told me she felt betrayed by her body.  At the time I thought, "I don't feel betrayed.  I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel betrayed."  I get it now.  I feel like my body is totally turning on me.  A mutiny of sorts.  However, I'm not sure that today was totally brought on by my ugly little friend, cancer, it started with my body in the gym.  I'm tired of fighting 8 month old injuries that tease me and pretend to get better only to flare up out of the blue.  I'm tired of shoulder injuries that heal so that new shoulder injuries can take up residence.  I'm mad that when I have only limited time to maintain and strengthen my body before surgery and recovery it won't let me.  I'm mad that I can't squat an easy amount of weight because my pelvis gives out on me and is unstable.  I'm made because I can't press an "easy" amount of weight for me because once I hit a certain weight my shoulder just gives out and I have to drop the bar.  I'm mad that I have to have surgery that is going to keep me out of the gym while my body recovers.  I'm mad that I will lose strength and my road back to my current strength is going to be a slow one.  I'm mad that I'm going to lose a breast and it is going to be replaced with a pretend one that is surgically made to visibly look like one.  I'm mad that my new breast is going to have to be finished in stages before it looks "normal".   I'm mad that I'm going to have one pretend boob and one real boob, a mismatched set.  I'm mad because I want my new shaplier body on my own terms.  I'm mad that I have spent the past 20 years of my life striving to eat well and workout hard and yet I still got cancer.  I'm mad that Tony has to carry our household & take care of me while wading into his 70-80 work weeks during tax season.  I'm mad that we had to take skiing away from the kids because we knew we had to take some stuff off our plate to concentrate on my medical stuff.  I'm mad that cancer is messing with my schedule and my life. I'm just mad.

Today I want to go make a pan of brownies and eat the whole thing.  Today I want to not eat the Paleo foods I have been eating for the past week because I'm afraid of putting anything bad into my body.  Today I want to call up my girlfriends and say, "let's go get Monday night drinks because I don't want to wait until Friday and I need a drink", but I wouldn't because I am afraid to have a drink because alcohol consumption can cause cancer. Today I want to crawl under my covers and cry because I'm sad and I'm mad.  Today I want my day to fly by and come to an end.  Today I wish my husband wasn't out-of-town working.

Today is the first day since December 22, D-Day, that I have felt this way.  I'm going to accept it and let it be.  I'm probably going to cry yet again like I did in the gym.  Today I had friends offer much needed hugs and encouragement.  They made the tears flow even harder, but made me so thankful for the people in my life.  Maybe I will just cry it out and feel better.  You ladies will probably understand that, you guys not so much.  Sometimes you need a good cry.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling a bit defeated today.  Maybe it's the same thing.  I don't know.

So today pardon my abbreviated French, but I say, F-you to my body.  Find something better to do with your time.

{an "ah ha" moment}

I want to write about this right away while conversations are fresh in my head so I am sitting down to frantically type to get it all out. Today I had a 90 minute massage with a massage therapist/friend from Crossfit.  I've been going to him since about August for a nagging injury from way back in May.  When he got started with the days torture he said, "Well, Trina, I heard about your news.  How are you doing?"  So, during my massage I told him about what was going on, where we are headed, etc.  It was great conversation as he asked great questions, great thought provoking questions. Questions like, "What is the biggest burden for you with all of this?" and "Have you had any great fears?"  We had talked a little bit about a mutual friend that went to our church so church was briefly mentioned and after a bit of a silence and some brutal deep tissue massage he asked, "What are your feelings about God in this?"  Oh boy, where to begin and how do I put my feelings about this into words. 

First, I want to say that I RARELY have conversations regarding church, religion, God, etc.  I don't feel like I can ever put into the right words my feelings about it.  I don't feel educated enough to have a good conversation about it to support my views.  And all too often when it comes to religion people are narrow minded, judgemental and don't respect your opinion if it doesn't match theirs.  It can become heated and confrontational and conversations like this stress me out.  I also don't like people preaching to me.  I found today that people can talk to you at length about God and not be preachy.  It hasn't been very often that I have encountered this.  

Secondly,  how about a little background on my feelings about church, religion, the bible, etc. Now remember, these are my feelings and opinions and I have a right to mine.  If you disagree it doesn't mean I am wrong and you are right, it doesn't mean that I am right or you are wrong.  It means that I have a different opinion than you and my opinion should be respected as I would respect yours.  That being said . . . about a year and half ago Tony and I made the decision to not attend church for awhile.  It didn't feel good, we weren't getting anything out of it and it felt like all we ever did was go through the motions, like were going to church because that is what we were supposed to do.  I didn't like the feeling that to be a Christian you had to go to church every Sunday.  I've also never been too sure about the Bible.  I've always been uncomfortable with people taking the Bible literally.  I have a hard time believing that something written so long ago can be applied literally to today.  Have you ever read this article from a 1950's home ec text preparing women to be a good wife?  These words from even 50 years ago don't pertain to today.  I think over the course of my life I have questioned religion more than not.  I have always found having faith in something I can't see or touch a hard concept.  BUT, I have always been envious of my friends and family that have a deep faith in God and find comfort in it.  I always wished that I had that kind of faith.  A Faith in a loving, higher power.  Faith in the word of God.  Faith in their understanding of their faith.  I don't want anybody to think I don't believe, I do, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to me.  Part of me questions it and probably has many questions, but I don't know how to address them and still find discomfort in this faith.  Why?  I can't say for sure.  Maybe it is just not having the understanding.

So, this is pretty much how I answered my friend's questions.  A laundry list of my uncertainties, but still a desire to someday find and understand this faith that many of my friends have.  We ended up having a long conversation about this or rather he talked and explained many things to me that made some things make sense to me or how I wished to understand.  Maybe it was a comfortable understanding for me.  I didn't feel preached to or judged like I have many times.  One thing that he said that is sticking with me is that religion isn't what being a Christian is about, it is your relationship with Jesus and it has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday.  This isn't required to have a relationship with Jesus.  I liked this. 

So that was a lot of our conversation.  I usually don't enjoy conversations regarding God, the Bible, religion, etc., but I enjoyed this conversation today and I told him this.  I told him how I have never been one to like people throwing scripture and various Bible verses at me, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the many Bible verses shared with me by my friends after learning of my diagnosis.  I have been saving them to a word document and I have been rereading them and I've been amazed how various ones speak to certain events in the past two weeks.  I have been feeling and greatly appreciating the pouring out of prayer and love for me and my family.  I have been in awe of the faithfulness of those around me and I love it.  I have been admiring it and finding such comfort in it.  Even if it isn't my faith or me finding that faith I can feel it and I can maybe understand it a little bit.  In my conversation with my friend I told him that I feel like my mind and heart have maybe opened to some understanding and an "ah ha" moment. 

I've thought about this a lot in the past couple weeks, probably like many people who are diagnosed with something like this, "why me?"  I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".  I kind of think part of the reason I got breast cancer is to maybe start to understand this and to maybe to understand what it means to have faith in a higher power.  I'm not going to start raising my arms to heaven and preaching and screaming the praises of the Lord, but I think maybe I am seeing a little bit what this faith is like.

When we got the diagnosis somebody said, "I don't know why, but God didn't answer our prayers".  As soon as I read this I thought, "I don't think this is true", but I wasn't sure exactly how to explain this thought.  But, now I've thought about this a lot and shared it with people.  I think God did answer our prayers, but it wasn't in a way we were expecting.  A friend told me of a Bible verse, and forgive me I don't remember exactly how it went, but it told of how God sees our "big picture" where we only see our "now".  So we may have been praying for an answer for our "now", but God has seen my big picture and started preparing me for this a long time ago.  One, nearly twenty years ago I met a guy sitting in his dorm room, playing video games the day before freshman orientation at Jamestown College in Jamestown, North Dakota.   This guy is my now wonderful husband of 17 1/2 years.  My number one supporter and strength.  Nobody loves me like he does or will carry my burdens when I feel like I can't. Seriously, no loving God would send you to North Dakota if there wasn't a good reason. ; )  Two, I have thought about my move here ten years ago.  We have amazing friends in Nevada, but not near as many and not in so many amazing circles as we do here.  The friends I have made here are some of the most amazing people I know and the outpouring of love, support and prayer from them has been staggering.  I KNEW how amazing each of these people were, but I have been truly humbled by their love. God knew I was going to need ALL of these people surrounding me and my family.  Three, I mentioned this in an earlier post, but something led me to  CrossFit Flathead nearly two years ago.  Working out and nutrition have been a big part of my life for over 19 years, but nothing has compared to what I have learned and how strong my body has become in the past two years.  I feel I found CrossFit to prepare my body and mind for fighting my fight with breast cancer and getting to the "all is fine" point on the other side of the upcoming bumps.  Also, to bring me into a caring, loving and supportive community of people that lift me up daily.  Finally, I will be the first to admit I am (or was) horrible about doing my self breast exams like every woman should do every month (Do you hear me ladies!!!  We've all heard it and it is so important.  Early detection is key!  Please for yourself and your family make this top priority in your health).  I had my yearly exam with my obgyn in May and had a breast exam then.  I hadn't done once since, but a month ago something prompted me to do one and that is when I discovered what I thought was maybe three lumps in my breast.  I think all of these and so many other things in my life even before all of these that I mentioned were all God's doing.  Leading me in certain directions in my life and all the while I thought it was just me.   I think we make choices in our lives so I'm not ready to say God is totally in control, but I believe something leads us to choices and we make a decision from there.  But, even in those choices we are probably helped along with a little nudge from God and unfortunately sometimes a little nudge from the devil.

So though I'm still figuring things out and it may be a long time before I figure things out I can at least see how faith can work in my life and it certainly gives me something to think about and obviously something to blog about. :)

"Faith, not fear."

{the tough conversations}

On my first post regarding my breast cancer diagnosis I said one of the worst things was that my sisters and girls are now high risk.  I now have a single worst thing with this little speed bump in our lives.  Telling our children. 

We have two girls, K, nearly eight and, A, 11 1/2, and a five-year-old boy, T.  We decided to tell our oldest first.  We knew we could tell her a little more and she is our most dramatic and we were afraid she would really get upset and wanted to be able to talk to her.  Yes, she was really upset, as we fully expected she would be.  I cried, Tony teared up and we comforted her.  She is scared and wants to stay with me at the hospital when I have surgery.  After we told her we had our two youngest come in our room and crawl up on the bed with us and we told them.  I didn't know my heart could hurt more after telling A.  K is very tender-hearted, loving and sensitive.  She was kind of flipping through a book as we told them and you could see the sadness come over her face, but she was trying to hold it in.  I asked her to come up and see me.  I put my arms around her and she laid her head on my lap and started to cry.  I stroked her hair and told her everything was going to be okay.  She kept crying and I asked her, "What about this makes you sad?" and she said, "I don't want you to have surgery" and she started crying a little harder.  All we could do was continue to comfort her and tell her that I had a really good doctor that would get rid of it.  During this time Tyler was curled up with Tony and then he slipped off the bed and disappeared.  Shortly after he returned with Kenna's favorite fuzzy blanket and handed it to her.  A little while later he made another trip upstairs to get A her favorite blanket and to fetch his. What a sweet little boy.  I asked T the same question I asked K, "What about this makes you sad?"  He said, "I don't want you to leave." Ugh.  We reassured him that I wasn't leaving.  I might just be in the hospital for a night or two.  Abigail came back in the room a little later and curled up with all of us on our bed and we just laid together on the bed, cuddling in silence and being a little sad, though knowing everything would be all right.  I told them that, "Everything is going to be okay, there are just a couple of bumps getting there."

K asked me a question while she was so sad and laying with her head in my lap that will forever haunt me, "Can you die?"  I broke down crying & told her, "No.  Everybody with this kind of cancer gets better."  That's a big question for a little girl to ask her mom.  She clung to my arm & said, "I love you".  They make choosing my treatment option a little bit easier.  I don't ever want to tell them that again.  I don't ever want a reoccurrence that I can't confidently answer her question with a "No".  They are all a bit sad, but we keep hugging them and reminding them of the "good things" about it.  The doctor's can get rid of it and everybody with this cancer gets better. Sweet little, strong souls we have.

{please come back and let's do it again!}

My family is a riot!  Well, at least we think we are.  We always say we are having a great time therefore the people around us aren't. Haha!  Our afternoon out sledding ended up being one of these great times.  First of all, how can you not laugh and smile when you are sledding?  Sitting  on a piece of plastic, foamy type stuff, give yourself a push and hope for the best.  Whoosh!  I'm so happy we just got the kid's ski helmets as there were several crashes, unfortunately Tyler won the prize for the most. Only one left mom with a little bit of a heart attack that quickly went away once he moved.  Ugh!  See, how can you not have fun sledding?!  Peril, danger, laughter, tears from said laughter, etc. 

We like to go sledding at the local middle school.  There is a great hill behind it that runs into a good sized field for a long run to the bottom.  There is a also a shorter hill that sometimes has a great berm (mom finds it a hazard!) plowed up at the bottom that made for great jumps that had be be nixed after awhile because of too many wrecks.  We (I) like this hill because you can park on the street right at the top so when you (mom) gets cold you can climb into the car and turn the heater on.  When we got to the sledding hill we were the only ones there so the twelve of us had the run of the place and fun was had by all!  About an hour into our sledding afternoon we had the great idea that we should run home and grab dad's air mattress that had recently sprung a small leak.  So my brother-in-law jumped in his truck and raced home to grab our new "sled".  Whitetrash fun decended upon the sledding hill in full force.   The best part of our new sled was the sound it made as it "raced" down the hill.  It was a slow dragging noise that kind of sounded like a jet engine.  It was by NO means fast, but boy did it make you laugh and smile!  Maybe we should have greased up the bottom like Chevy Chase in "Christmas Vacation"!  Now that would have been fun and a great idea to tuck away for next year. :)

Notice the sleds, four in all, under the mattress to try to give it some speed.

This “sled” offered no speed. My brother’s screams and look of terror were solely for entertainment purposes only! :)

 We also did our fair share of racing down the hill on your standard sled.  The boys also had snowboards along that provided great wintertime entertainment and fun. 

My sisters and me laughing like crazy. This ride ended in a slow motion wreck at the bottom and tears from laughing so hard! 

Not hurt! Just being silly!

The whole family enjoying a day of sledding!  Perfect!