{results and my re-creator}

Now is a much better day to write about my MRI results.  I have kind of been a mess since my doctor called Tuesday afternoon with my results and I'm finally cleaning that mess up a bit and feeling better.  So the results really weren't a surprise, but for some reason hearing the words out loud from the doctor really brought even more of the reality home.  The good news is that the other breast and my lymph nodes are clear.  Onto my rogue boob, she said the MRI showed that almost the entire top half of my breast is abnormal.  She said she can't say for sure from the MRI if it is all cancerous or if it is invasive.  She said she can't remove the abnormalities and conserve enough of my breast for me to have a decent breast (honestly, they really aren't decent now! lol).  A mastectomy and reconstruction is my best and only option for a nice looking breast on the other side.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  I'm not sure why because this is the treatment plan I had already decided on.  After thinking about it I think it is because I have no choice now.  Before I had a choice of treatment plan, now I have no control.  Cancer tends to do that, takes your control away.  I also hate the idea that my breast is so bad it has to be taken from me.  A part of my body is being TAKEN from me.  I know this "taking" is for my health, but I am still losing a part of me and I guess I am mourning that upcoming loss.  Thankfully, my doctor said she wouldn't recommend doing anything with the other breast as a bilateral mastectomy was a consideration to reduce my risk of getting cancer in the other breast.  I had already decided before hearing from my doctor to keep my "good" breast.  Mentally I wasn't ready to lose both of my girls.  A friend that is going through the same thing that I am shared her perspective on this same decision, something her doctor told her.  "I'd rather keep my breast and have my life with it than take it away because I am afraid of a cancer that I might never get."  I totally agree.  So those are my results.

So now that all of my tests are done and the results are in it is time to move onto step number 3 or 4 or 5 or whatever damn step I am on at this point.  Meeting with a plastic surgeon, my breast re-creator.  I have decided to keep my plastic surgeon choice my little secret until after my surgery.  Choosing my plastic surgeon has been a great source of stress for me.  We have two plastic surgeons in the valley and I have heard pros and cons about both.  Some people had VERY strong opinions about each of them and it made my decision very hard.  I went back and forth in my decision many times.  In the end my final choice was based on my gut feeling, how much I enjoyed said surgeon in their office, Tony's opinion and a little insider recommendation from somebody I love and trust.  So we got a lot of info today.  How the procedure is done &  how implants would be placed.  How long the entire reconstruction process would take, two surgeries, one minor and a date with a tattoo gun (that will be a fun when somebody asks how many tattoos I have! lol)  We looked at a lot of before an after pictures & I had my first topless photos taken against a beautiful turquoise painted wall.  I got a quote on a mini tummy tuck (which I want so much more that new boobs!) and I left with three implant samples to stuff into bras so I can decide on my new bra size. Whew, we had a busy afternoon. 

I have always talked about wanting new prettier boobs, but I have really never been 100% sure if it was something I wanted done.  Now I have no choice and I discovered I really didn't enjoy the process of deciding on how "big" I want to go.  It didn't look natural, didn't feel right.  So, I decided on the smallest implant which will put me right at the size that I have always said I wanted to be.  That size that I didn't appreciate enough when I was in high school. :-)

So with a little hesitation, praying I was making the right decision, I called my breast doctor and told them my plastic surgeon choice.  So the coordinating of schedules begins and they will be calling me soon with a surgery date. Ahhhhh......

48 hours of tears, frustration, and now a little relief.  One more step toward the other side.