{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{a teary, wonderful milestone}

What were you doing six months ago? I was doing something pretty spectacular. I was becoming cancer free. Actually right at the time that I am typing this I already was thanks to the hands of an amazing surgeon. Today I had my first six month follow up appointment with my oncology surgeon. Until I am five years cancer free I will go into see her for regular checkups. For two years I will see her every six months, for three more years I will see her every 12 months, more frequently if there are any concerns.

My appointments will pretty much consist of a breast exam and to address any concerns that I might have. You might wonder why a breast exam since I had mine removed. Well, it is impossible to remove every single breast cell so the breasts, underarms and the area around the collar bone are examined paying special attention to the outer edges of where the breast tissue was removed. My surgeon told me that I have very healthy skin and that played a large roll the success of my recovery. She said if she has to do surgery on a "30-something" woman, it is nice to have to do it on a healthy one. For some reason I have more scar tissue on my left side, but continuing to work with my physical therapist with help with that. She told me that my plastic surgeon does a very good job and only about 10% of women will have the results I did and she was very happy I was one of them. :-) So am I!! I was also informed I would not have to have regular mammograms anymore. I have been told by other survivors to consider having them on the small chance that cancer reoccurs in the small bit of breast tissue that was left behind. I will research that and discuss it with my doctor at my one-year checkup.

I also brought my $48 mastectomy tank with me and asked if she had a patient that could use it. I have no use for it and it seemed such a shame to just toss it out when there is probably a woman out there without insurance that can use it. Sure enough they have a bank of items available to patients in need. It felt good to leave it for a strong woman that was going to hopefully conquer her own battle. At the end of my appointment my doctor handed me a sheet to keep filed away with my important papers that listed everything I had done, the date of my mastectomy and reconstruction, what my diagnosis was and the date diagnosed, the doctors I had, etc. She said thirty years down the road if the information was needed I would have it all in one place. A very nice piece of paper to have. When she was going through the information I discovered my cancer had been upgraded from Stage 0 to Stage 1 because of the small invasive tumor that was found during my surgery. For some reason this kind of made my stomach sink even though it is of no danger to me anymore. I guess I just liked the sound of Stage 0 better than Stage 1. She also handed me a pamphlet titled, "Now What? Resources for Healthy Survivorship." It is a pamphlet her office had printed up that included general appointment and mammogram schedules, other general post-recovery information and a list of local rehab and support group resources. A very useful list of information, all in one place, in one small packet.

I left my appointment into the warm, sunny day smiling and feeling just flat out happy!!! I expected a clean bill of health, but having your brilliant surgeon tell you is such a different feeling. I also didn't expect to be affected so emotionally by my check up. I had to keep myself from tearing up on the drive home. I walked in the door smiling and told Tony I was given a clean bill of health he smiled and kissed me. That was when I wrapped my arms around him, he wrapped me up in his arms and I cried. Six months cancer free. It is a good place to be. I was never fearful for my life after I was diagnosed, but I was scared on so many occasions, frustrated on just as many occasions and just sad on many other days. Thankfully I think I have felt better more often than not and I am proud of myself for that. I feel one of my biggest battles is to be a more positive person and overall I feel I have faced this time of my life head on with a good attitude. A friend who is having some health concerns right now asked me for some advise. All I could tell her is that you have to take everything moment by moment. I also told myself many times that regardless of news that I received there wasn't anything I could do about it, nothing I could do to change the news. My only option was to move forward and begin my journey to the recovery side. One day at a time is the only way to get to tomorrow.

Last week a friend said, "Six months already?! Though I'm sure it feels much longer to you." Looking back it really seems crazy that six months have passed. However, there were certain stages of that six months that felt like they would never pass. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. On my one month mark of being cancer free a friend said, "Before you know it it will be one year!" I vividly remember getting a sick feeling in my stomach and thinking "I can't even think about one year!" It seriously felt like a lifetime away. Now I think it will be here before I know it. At many points of my recovery all I wanted was for 2011 to come to an end. Not anymore. I'm over the worst of it and now I just get to live free of anything weighing on me. No waiting for tests, surgeries or appointments, no recovery, no limitations or restrictions. Now I just get to move forward and it is a beautiful place to be. I am so thankful for everyday, I look forward to turning 40, 41, 42, etc, I cherish my husband and my family, I recognize the people that matter most to me, I know the value of true friendship and most importantly I recognize the strength and courage that I possess. Recognizing this strength and courage will get you through the worst days of your life. I was watching NY Ink a couple months ago (this won't surprise many of you that know me!) and there was a guy featured on the episode that was getting a tattoo in memory of his mother that had passed away in the past year. After it was finished he said something along the lines of it being a constant reminder of his mother and knowing she was with him all the time and he was just going to go out and live his life having nothing but good days because after losing his mother there could be no bad days because that was the worst day of his life. I have lost my mom, a best friend and I have had cancer. After experiencing those things there aren't anymore bad days. So I am taking my strength and courage, I am waking up everyday and I am having good days. There are no bad days left.

What Cancer Can Not Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the spirit.