{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.