{make mine a double}

Having to make decisions in this cancer process has been brutal for me.  First, every decision is a big one and, two, I can't make a decision to save my life.  I think my two biggest decisions have been which plastic surgeon to have do my reconstruction and whether to have a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy.  The first one was finally behind me on Thursday.  The second one has been a back and forth process.  First, I decided to just have both done to greatly reduce my risk of getting cancer again.  Then, I decided that I couldn't stand the thought of losing both breasts so I decided to just have a mastectomy done in my "bad" breast unless my doctor recommended otherwise, keep as much of my body as possible.  So, when my MRI came back and my doctor said she wouldn't do anything with my right breast because it was clear I was happy with my choice.  As you may have read in my blog a few days ago a friend's doctor told her to enjoy her life with her breast instead of without it when you may never get cancer in it.  Whew.  That sounded good and I was settled with my decision.  But, then my friend sent me something that her first doctor said that stated a strong case for a bilateral mastectomy and I also started thinking about something my plastic surgeon said.  So, my Friday was spent wondering if I was making the right decision.  My friend's surgeon stated that by choosing a bilateral mastectomy you have a very high likelihood of living a cancer-free life.  By leaving that breast alone you face a lifetime of very close screening via mammograms, MRIs, biopsies, ultrasounds, etc. Not to mention the constant worrying of getting cancer again.  

My plastic surgeon's argument was that being done having kids I don't need them for functional reasons anymore.  If I only did one side my breasts would look a little different from each other and they wouldn't feel the same since one would have all the tissue removed under the skin.  I really started thinking about this because I know that I want my new normal to be even, symmetrical, matching.  I hate the thought of them not being the same.  If they are the same to me it seems more "normal"  instead of mismatched.  This is very important to me.  I don't know why.  I just don't want to feel pieced together to make things even.  I know this may make no sense you y'all, but it does in my head.  I just have a need for a matched set.

So, today I spent most of my day struggling with what to do.  Mostly my head and heart kept going back to taking both, get rid of virtually all risk of getting cancer again.  But, there was still a big part of me that was so worried about making the wrong decision.  And, frankly, I am afraid of losing something that defines me physically as a woman.  I know I get replacement parts, but still I am losing the "real" part of my body and that is scary.  I worry about regretting my decision, because as we all well know there is no going back.  It isn't like getting implants and then later deciding you don't want them.  You can undo that and still have your real breasts.  If I decide later that I made the wrong decision, well, too bad.  I'm stuck with my decision.  So in the midst of Tony and I talking about this, weighing the pros and cons and frantically cleaning the house for a birthday slumber party for several eight-year-olds we got some information in the mail that tipped my decision to one side and helped me make my decision.  Bills and Explanations of Benefits from our insurance.  As of today, we have nearly $9,000 in medical charges and nearly $3,000 due out-of-pocket and we haven't even stepped foot into the operating room.  Deductibles on MRIs, deductibles on diagnostics, copays, etc.  I have better things to spend my money on instead of over-inflated medical costs.  What we are paying out of pocket to date we could go on a nice little family vacation, we could put it into the kid's college fund, we could fly to South Dakota to visit family instead of drive, I could get that mini tummy tuck that I went to bed dreaming about, we could save for a big-ass-rainy day, we could made two extra mortgage payments, etc.  You get the idea.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying deductibles on MRIs, mammograms, biopsies, etc.  I want to move on and not do this anymore.  I want to leave breast cancer behind me.  I don't want it in the back of my thoughts everyday and showing up every six months when I have to have some sort of screening done.  I want to move forward, get used to my new body, go bra shopping, show a little cleavage in a tank top, be a survivor that isn't reminded every six months that I am still at high risk for breast cancer.  I want to live my life cancer free and I can't do that with a breast that is still at risk for cancer.  No thank you.  So Monday I will call my doctor's office and order a double.  Make it a strong one because I plan to enjoy it for the rest of my cancer-free life.