Today I'm pissed at my body. When I was first diagnosed a friend who has battled cancer told me she felt betrayed by her body. At the time I thought, "I don't feel betrayed. I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel betrayed." I get it now. I feel like my body is totally turning on me. A mutiny of sorts. However, I'm not sure that today was totally brought on by my ugly little friend, cancer, it started with my body in the gym. I'm tired of fighting 8 month old injuries that tease me and pretend to get better only to flare up out of the blue. I'm tired of shoulder injuries that heal so that new shoulder injuries can take up residence. I'm mad that when I have only limited time to maintain and strengthen my body before surgery and recovery it won't let me. I'm mad that I can't squat an easy amount of weight because my pelvis gives out on me and is unstable. I'm made because I can't press an "easy" amount of weight for me because once I hit a certain weight my shoulder just gives out and I have to drop the bar. I'm mad that I have to have surgery that is going to keep me out of the gym while my body recovers. I'm mad that I will lose strength and my road back to my current strength is going to be a slow one. I'm mad that I'm going to lose a breast and it is going to be replaced with a pretend one that is surgically made to visibly look like one. I'm mad that my new breast is going to have to be finished in stages before it looks "normal". I'm mad that I'm going to have one pretend boob and one real boob, a mismatched set. I'm mad because I want my new shaplier body on my own terms. I'm mad that I have spent the past 20 years of my life striving to eat well and workout hard and yet I still got cancer. I'm mad that Tony has to carry our household & take care of me while wading into his 70-80 work weeks during tax season. I'm mad that we had to take skiing away from the kids because we knew we had to take some stuff off our plate to concentrate on my medical stuff. I'm mad that cancer is messing with my schedule and my life. I'm just mad.
Today I want to go make a pan of brownies and eat the whole thing. Today I want to not eat the Paleo foods I have been eating for the past week because I'm afraid of putting anything bad into my body. Today I want to call up my girlfriends and say, "let's go get Monday night drinks because I don't want to wait until Friday and I need a drink", but I wouldn't because I am afraid to have a drink because alcohol consumption can cause cancer. Today I want to crawl under my covers and cry because I'm sad and I'm mad. Today I want my day to fly by and come to an end. Today I wish my husband wasn't out-of-town working.
Today is the first day since December 22, D-Day, that I have felt this way. I'm going to accept it and let it be. I'm probably going to cry yet again like I did in the gym. Today I had friends offer much needed hugs and encouragement. They made the tears flow even harder, but made me so thankful for the people in my life. Maybe I will just cry it out and feel better. You ladies will probably understand that, you guys not so much. Sometimes you need a good cry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling a bit defeated today. Maybe it's the same thing. I don't know.
So today pardon my abbreviated French, but I say, F-you to my body. Find something better to do with your time.
Trina, the beautiful part about being mad is that it is an emotion. A totally valid emotion, one that I know all too well. It is such a frustrating moment when you realize that your mind is saying 3 2 1 GO!, but you body just won't follow. So many times I have wanted to give up, simply because I missed the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that I got from finishing a WOD, from pushing hard, hitting a wall, and still PRing. The beautiful thing about feeling mad is that it will always be replaced with a different emotion, for me that emotion is determination. Determination to not get mad at myself, determination to not only set, but be OK with setting, new goals. Determination
ReplyDelete(oops, hit post by accident)....Determination brings about a sort of peace during the chaos. Injuries and surgeries will heal slowly, but feeling defeated can heal quickly, as quickly as I remember that it is ok to have different goals and ok to be only as physically strong as my weakest injury. Know that you can still be as mentally strong as the women who can put a Hero WOD to shame before she's even had her morning coffee!
ReplyDeleteThis is just your own version of "Fight Gone Bad"' except when you hit your mental wall, you don't have to push through it alone! Love ya, know I am always cheering you on and praying for you!
I soooo appreciate your honesty. Cry it out and then get back in the fight. It's okay to be mad, sad, feel betrayed, or any other emotion. You have a lot of people in your corner, and I'm one of them.
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