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I started this blog post on about day nine after my second treatment, and I've been slowly working on it when I have time.  It's amazing how life as a stay-at-home mom doesn't stop for you when you are going though chemo.  I listen to my body and know when I need to take it easy, very easy, or move ahead at my normal chaotic pace. The first week after a treatment is a take it easy or very easy week.  That isn't really a choice I make, it is dictated by my ability to only take it easy.  Now for another catch up session.

Day nine post round two of chemo...

You know you are at the end of your emotional tether when you burst into tears when you get to your car after the gyro place at the mall tells you they don't accept credit cards.  This has been my week.  I hit a breaking point.  This has not been the week of facing cancer related crap with strength, dignity, and grace.  I'm tired of being tough, I'm too sick, weak and tired. My week has been full of tears and nausea. Tears of frustration, tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears from not feeling well, tears at the drop of a hat, you name it, it has made me cry, the tears came pretty easily.

I'm over this treatment plan, I'm over cancer.  

I don't want to feel like I have the flu all the time. I'm finding, just like when I was pregnant and sick for nine months each time, I am very associative with nausea.  I would get nauseous when I would get dressed and see my maternity clothes. I actually still get a wave of nausea when I see maternity clothes.  Now with chemo treatments, it is head coverings of any kind, wearing them or thinking of wearing them, and the thought of any kind of food. It's sad about the head coverings because I really do have quite a collection of cute ones and very special ones and fun ones, hats that have been specially made for me.

These cute and special hats do make it easier to wear hats when I leave the house.  If I had boring, ugly hats it would be even worse.  Anything on my head has also been giving me headaches so I never have anything on my head at home.  To solve the problem of headaches from hats outside the house, I have taken to just not leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. I'm holing up at home.  I don't want anybody to see me with a hat on if possible. Having a bald head and having to wear a hat makes me feel frumpy and dumpy. Nothing looks cute with a bald head and there is nothing that will make a gal feel more unattractive than a bald head full of stubble that isn't falling out.  I keep thinking I should shave my head, but when I think about slathering my head with shave cream it makes me cry and it makes me nauseous.  I can't bring myself to do it, and I can't stand the thought of Tony doing it.  In addition to my bald head, (which I was digging a couple weeks ago, but now I can't stand to look at it and it makes me nauseous seeing it) I am now starting to slowly lose my eyelashes.  I noticed a couple days ago I have chunk missing on the outer side of one of my top lashes.  I guess there is a bonus to losing my hair, I don't have to shave my legs and underarms and I'm going to save money in bikini waxes for awhile. I'd rather shave everyday, but you have to hang on firmly to any little bit of silver lining that you can.

As I had hoped, my emotional state followed my physical state as I started to feel better.  I don't feel 100% like I did the first round at this point.  I'm beginning to realize that the effects of each round of chemo are probably going to be compounding. I think each round I am going to fall a little bit behind, further from my 100%. I'm probably not eating enough because very little sounds good, adequate protein intake (100g/day) is my number one goal.  I have to have a protein shake or two/day to accomplish this, but I think I'm coming pretty close most days, at least on the days I workout.  I am doing a pretty good job at staying hydrated, which was a problem the first round and caused horrible headaches. I went in for IV hydration the day after my second treatment to try to stay on top of the hydration issue.  I seemed to work so my guess is that will be part of my plan for the remainder of my rounds. I feel weak and tired more often. The gym slaughtered me this week.  I went three days and cried off and on through two of them, frustration, not feeling good, feeling so weak and wore down, and feeling very near throwing up at the end of Friday's workout, but it was a 45 minute hero WOD and most likely everybody felt like puking at the end. My soul is taking a beating, looking in the mirror and seeing a bald head when you are feeling sick is a solid reminder that you are indeed a chemo patient. For me, it has been an emotional battle this week.  I haven't been good company.  For those that came in contact with me I want to apologize and like a cliche' from a bad breakup, just know, "It's me, not you." This is one reason I have just been staying at home when I can. I know when I'm not good company and I don't need to spread my gloom to my friends and those I come in contact with throughout the day.  So I stay at home and take care of things at home in a quiet house.  This isn't a bad thing either, there is always something at home that needs to be taken care of and some of those things don't take a lot of energy or can be picked away at slowly throughout the day.

Today

Life is much better the further out I get from a treatment.  I try not to think about the next treatment as it draws nearer with each passing day.  I enjoy each day that I am feeling decent, not 100%, but pretty close.  I can tell I am tired more often, my stamina is lacking, and food still doesn't always sit well.  The kids keep me busy and I am busy researching and gathering information on changes to my diet and supplements to increase my chances of not having another recurrence in the future after I am finished with all my treatments. I'm also trying to lessen the negative effects of chemo and radiation on my healthy cells.  I'm mostly concerned with radiation and the damage it will/can do to my heart, lung and thyroid.  I need to do everything in my power to protect my body, as I feel that is the only power I have in all of this.  Diet, supplements, visits with my naturopath, common sense, and being open to changing some things in my diet and the way I work out.  I'm supposed to take a daily drug, Tamoxifen, for 5-10 years after I finish radiation.  I don't want to and I'm trying to find away to protect my body naturally versus drugs that can cause a host of side effects including additional cancers and other side effects "that can be easily managed with other prescription drugs" or "easily cured with a hysterectomy". WTH?!?!  What kind of process or solution is that?! I am frustrated with the lack of emphasis or lack of information given to patients on reducing cancer risk with diet and nutrition in the clinical setting.  When I started chemo treatment I was given a booklet filled with information about my "chemo journey".  In this booklet there was a section that covered each possible side effects and some included a recipe to help with that side effect.  I was appalled at some of the recipes, two come to mind for sore mouth and lack of appetite.  Both were smoothies that contained a hefty amount of ice cream, to sooth a sore mouth and for calories if you have a lack of appetite.  I get what was trying to be accomplished with these recipes, but SUGAR FEEDS CANCER CELLS!!!!! Why would the American Cancer Society suggest that a patient trying to rid their body of cancer ingest something that can feed their cancer. Ugh! It's frustrating to me to not fully support a patient and give them all the tools to do what they can to make the best decisions for their body. I feel very fortunate that I have the knowledge to at least begin to gather information necessary to make choices that are best for my body. Sorry, that ended up being a rant of frustration, not what I intended at all. I don't want to end this blog post on a negative note so let me just say I'm about two weeks from being halfway done with chemo! :-) Yay me!