{chaotic soul}

So yesterday I was setting up this blog  and I was choosing a fun background.  I was looking for something that was green and brown.  Not just any green, but peridot green.  August's birthstone, my mom's birthstone.  That is irrelevent to this post, but now maybe you have learned something new for the day. So back to my background.  I didn't find green and brown, but I found one that seemed soothing and calming to me.  It is subtle and has a little beauty to it.  So I went with soothing and calming, but my mind has been stuck on another one that I looked at.  I didn't care for the background, but the title has been rattling around upstairs and is opposite of what I chose.  "Chaotic Soul".   "Chaotic Soul".  That struck a chord in me.  I had a chaotic soul not long ago.  Too overwhelmed, missing something, tired, busy, overscheduled, dare I say "lost", needing something, lonely.  That's tough for a mom.  Not sure where you belong. Not just wanting to be "mom".  Wanting something of your own.  Living with a chaotic soul can be draining.  But, if you have a "chaotic soul" you just might be lucky enough to stumble upon something that starts to fill you up.  I found a friend, encouragement, rediscovered my husband, found another friend who is true to me, tried something new, went back to something old, found a community, got reaquainted with my creativity, made a new friend . . . I could go on.  I think (okay, I know) I still have some chaos going on in my soul, but it doesn't seem heavy anymore.  Chaos makes you hang on tighter and fight harder.  It makes you pay more attention to what you need and what you don't need.   It makes you learn to survive with what you have lost.  It makes you learn to say no and take your own advise.  You learn to shake your head at the chaos and say, "no thank you, not today".  Sometimes it makes you walk down the hall, crawl under the covers and cry.  But you know what?  Sometimes a good cry is okay and what you are really doing is crying some of that chaos out.  So embrace your chaos and wake up to tomorrow.  Don't let it drag you down.  Welcome the good chaos and just say "no thank you" to the bad.