{are we there yet?!}

Parents everywhere will get this or at least parents that road trip a lot like we do. We drive to the very Eastern side of South Dakota once or twice a year. Eighteen hours of driving time. That doesn't include stopping for gas, "I have to go to the bathroom!" stops, "I'm hungry", etc. We take two days to make the trip. Sometimes we drive as far as we can the first day before the kids or mom can't take it anymore. Sometimes we drive half-way the first day. Sometimes we stay at my sister's only four and a half hours into the drive and take a deep breath, pull on our big girl panties (or big boy underwear) and brace ourselves for a long second day. It's the long days that are a true test of parent patience. Not as much anymore, the kids are all at an age that they travel pretty well, but it wasn't always like that. We had trips that we would dread for weeks leading up to our departure date. I would dread what was to come. First there was the planning and packing for a family of five and one of those five was an infant. We would barely leave home and somebody would say "Are we there yet?". No, we still have 17 1/2 hours to go. Then the two oldest would start fighting and eventually the baby would start crying. It doesn't take long for a busy baby boy to be ready to be unstrapped from his car seat, bored with facing backwards and tired of sitting in the same position. Then somebody has to pee. While you are stopped everybody might as well pee and we should change the baby's diaper. So we would unload our entire crew, grab the diaper bag and use the restroom, say no to requests of snacks at the gas station, but maybe buy a pack of gum so you don't feel guilty about using the bathrooms without buying something. Load the family back up half and hour later and head out again. Are we there yet? No, we still have 16 1/2 hours left. But, this time it wasn't the kids asking. It was me. Our trip had barely started and I was beginning to feel like it was never going to end. We will never make it to the end of this trip and if we do certainly not with our sanity. Then we would have a quiet little spot in our road trip. By some sweet act of God, all three kids fall asleep at the same time. Oh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip isn't so bad after all. Then all of a sudden you hear from the back seat. "I don't feel....", followed by a sound that every parent dreads, especially in the confined quarters of a car in the middle of a road trip. The sound of a puking child, all down the front of them and filling up the seat of the car seat they are sitting in. OMG! Could this trip get any worse!!!! So you stop the car in the dark of the night and clean up the best you can with the handful of napkins you happen to have stashed in the glove box, crack the windows to try to get rid of that awful smell and drive like hell the last 1/2 hour to the stopping spot for the night. That is just day one. Day two you limp along with a sick child in the car knowing that you may have just fallen into a road trip time continuum, road trip hell and you will never see the end of this day. It will never end. Then all of a sudden you see a mileage sign that says "Milbank 90 miles". 90 miles. That doesn't seem too far after driving two days, but I can't stand the thought of sitting in the car for another hour and a half. I can't stand it! It will be forever. Then all of a sudden we turn a corner and we are on that final stretch of just a few miles and you think, we are going to make it all in one piece and with our sanity or with enough to be able to tackle the next leg of our vacation, the trip home. Here is the light at the end of this road trip that seemed like it would never end. In my mind, of course I knew this road trip would end, but many points along the way it felt like we were moving at a snail's pace and we would never make it.

This is what I have asked myself many times the past few months. "Am I there yet?" "Will this ever end?" "Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?" I specifically remember great weeks in my recovery and healing. The first was week four to five post-surgery. I had a great healing week. I felt my body heal and feel more stable where all the work was done inside to make my body cancer free and to look normal. This was a great week. The second healing moment that I will specifically remember in this process was Tuesday, April 12. I haven't been really excited or liking my new body. Slowly getting used to it, but still not liking it. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my amazing plastic surgeon to check on the incision that she tightened up three weeks prior and to make a plan and schedule my next surgery. Phase two. I don't know if it was her enthusiasm at my results from the first surgery or scheduling my second surgery and knowing by new "breasts" were finally going to be complete. Maybe it was a combination of both, but I left feeling SO good, content and satisfied with my new body. Unless you are or have been in my situation I can't begin to explain how exhilarating this felt. I don't know that I love my new body, but I don't mind it and after trying on a swimsuit I really kind of like it. lol I wish my new breasts looked more natural, but nothing about them is "natural" anymore so I can't expect them to look natural. They were totally created at the hands of a surgeon so that my body would look as feminine as possible and that has been done. I think it is pretty obvious that they are fake when you look at them, but you know what? Everybody that has followed my little journey here knows they aren't real. They know they are fake, but more importantly they are a constant reminder that they are cancer-free. I never forget that. A friend of mine always throws that into random conversations when I am texting with him. "So glad you are getting back to the gym and you are cancer-free!" "Glad to hear you are getting used to them and they are cancer-free". :) I'm not trying to fool anybody. My boobs were removed for my health and I have bigger, fuller ones in their place. (I may not have been happy at the choice I had to make or the only choice I had for my health, but sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the chance for a more "proportionate" body!!) ;) The "replacements" aren't there to take my old body's place or to change who I am, but to bring normalcy back to my body. I was actually excited and smiling to Tony when I was telling him about my appointment and how my surgery was going to go. My doctor was giddy at how great they have healed and said they are "ridiculously symmetrical". I'm not sure if that is a medical term, but really what that means is very little has to be done during my next surgery to make them as symmetrical as possible. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, May 9th. Three days before my birthday. Recovering from surgery isn't at the top of my list of how I want to spend my birthday, but that's okay. It isn't everyday you get new nipples that complete your boobs for your birthday. LOL I asked my doctor what she will do during the surgery. I was pretty pleased to hear not a whole lot. The left breast will be lowered a little to match the position of the right and loosen up the outer, lower edge of the right breast so it rounds out and falls softer and really that is it besides reconstructing nipples. The sounds of that still seems so crazy to me, but such a blessing in my eyes. Great thing is the new nipples will most likely be placed right over the incisions from my first surgery so those scars will be covered up. I will have very little signs of surgery at all, well except for bigger boobs, when all is said and done.

I have been going to my physical therapist weekly to work out a horribly tight "cord" of muscle I had running through my underarm. With her help and working on it at home we have seen incredible results on that. It doesn't bother me at all anymore. I asked my plastic surgeon what my PT could work on. Is there anything structurally she could hurt by working on tightness and scar tissue? She said she couldn't hurt anything. In fact, she said getting in there and breaking up scar tissue would be a good thing right now because it can result in the breast loosening up and moving a bit and eliminating the need for some "tweaks". Sweet! Game on! So a couple weeks ago I had the most painful PT appointment I have ever had. My PT uses the Graston Technique to break up scar tissue. I have a love/hate relationship with those metal tools that she whips out. Usually it has been a "hurts so good" kind of pain as she breaks up scar tissue to work out various body pains. But, last week when she started working on the thick bands of scar tissue from the mastectomy and reconstruction I thought I was going to come out of my skin. Oh, my goodness! "OUCH" doesn't cover it! However, when all was said and done the awful tightness across my left pec was non-existent and I have full range of motion in my shoulder when I held my arm straight out from body, parallel to the ground and pulled it ALL the way back behind me. It was amazing! AND the little corner of the right breast that my doctor planned to loosen up seemed to have loosened up on it's own when the scar tissue was broken up! One less thing to be worked on during surgery. Thank you, Kat!!!! The best PT in town! :) I also have some stretches that a PT friend in St. Louis emailed me to help stretch out the pec. Between all of my peeps my body will eventually be back to 100%.

I loved my second great moment in my healing process. It feels so good to feel content and okay with this new body that circumstances have given me. Do I still look at my body in the mirror and frown? Yes, I do, but not all the time. Sometimes I actually look at it and am amazed at what was done to give my body BACK to me when at many points it felt like it had been ripped away from me. It is nice to see or even have caught up with that light at the end of the tunnel. I am still chasing a few lights, but feeling comfortable in my own skin was probably the biggest light. Many times I felt like a deer staring at a huge spotlight. I felt stuck and like I couldn't move. When you are in pain, your body looks totally foreign, bruised and terribly swollen your mind messes with you. Sometime it is hard to imagine that you will ever be back to normal even when deep down you know it will. It has to because that is what our amazing bodies do. They heal and if you take care of your body you will be lucky enough to have it heal quicker than your doctors had expected. I am thankful for that everyday. There are many things to be thankful for. Sometimes dark bad days drift in and I lose sight of that, but in the end I always remember and appreciate the many things I have to be thankful for and there are MANY!! Right in that moment is a great place to be!