{count your blessings}

I have much to be thankful for this November 24th.  Really everyday, but today we are more mindful of our blessings.  This year I am especially mindful of these blessings.  I am thankful for my health.  December 4th will be one year that I discovered lumps in my left breast and on December 22 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am sitting at my dining room table right now with my dad and Tony talking about this.  My dad said he was just thinking about this and when I looked at Tony while talking about this my eyes started to tear up and as I write this I am on the verge of tears.  This has been a year of testing my strength and seeing what I am made of.  I never thought the end of this year would come.  There were days I couldn't even think about the end of 2011 because it felt too far away to even think about.  Days stood still while waiting for tests, waiting for surgery to be scheduled, waiting to heal, waiting for recovery to feel complete, waiting to get back to my before.  But this day has come and I am thankful beyond words for this day.  What I wanted most this year was a healthy body and for my recovery to be complete.  I spent three and a half weeks sitting in a chair in our room, having to take it very easy after two major surgeries.  I spent weeks in the gym doing bare minimum WODs, I spent more weeks slowly building up my strength, slowly waiting for my recovery to feel complete.  This day came in October.  My goal after my first surgery on February 2nd was to do the CrossFit benchmark workout "Grace" at the women's prescribed weight of 95# during the month of October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. On October 15th I reached this goal and put an end to my "recovery".

The ultimate piece of my goal was holding this weight overhead 30 times.  This picture signifies a cancer battle won.  It signifies reaching my goals complete with triumphs and tears.  It represents the very end of my recovery.  I have no limitations, my strength is very close to where it was before and nothing is keeping me from doing what I want in the gym.  This picture shows a survivor.  One I am very proud of for getting to where she is today and how she fought her battle.

Almost eleven months ago to the day I was standing in CrossFit Flathead after getting a phone call from my doctor with horrible news.  My coach was one of the first people I told.  After a huge hug he got on task.  Plans to keep me strong, get me stronger before surgery, keep coming, keep moving.  I am so thankful for his caring heart and knowledge.  Knowing just what my body could do before and after surgery.  Knowing the days to just let me be alone with my workout.  Giving a much needed hug in the middle of a workout when I would breakdown crying.  Letting me quit in the middle of "Fran" which then gave me the strength to keep going.  Everyday I am thankful for my gym family and Coach B for giving me the strength and support to get through days that I couldn't do it myself.  I am thankful for what these people have brought into my life and what our community as a whole brings to this world.

I am thankful for all of my friends and every single thing that each of them brings to my life.  For new friends I have met through CrossFit, online and otherwise.  For friends far away that I talk to every single day.  For friends far away that I don't get to talk to often, but when we do it is like we take everyday.  For coffee dates with friends and a girl's night out with cocktails.  For friends that find the strength to overcome and move forward.  For the health and happiness of my friends.

I am thankful for my kids that make me pull my hair out everyday, but make me laugh and smile even more everyday.  I am thankful for the people that they are.  Sometimes selfish and frustrating, but more often being kind, polite and caring little people that give us a glimpse of the adults they will be.  For finding the joy in silly things like mustaches, awesome cars and Justin Bieber.  For first experiences like broken hearts, boyfriends and makeup. For loving to be active and making healthy choices  for their bodies.  For wanting to help others even if those "others" don't include each other.  I am thankful for being their mom.

But this year I am most thankful for my husband.  The person that completes my life.  I am thankful for his strong shoulders that carried the weight of the family responsibilities and the cancer so I wouldn't have to carry all of it myself.  For his arms wrapped around me while I cried in bed or broke down crying during the day.  For his presence through every test and step needed in my journey to being cancer free.  For the quiet moment sitting on the side of our bed that I will never forget before leaving for the hospital before my first surgery.  For his encouraging words on days that I didn't want to go to the gym.  For caring for me after surgery, changing bandages, emptying drains, washing my hair, shaving my underarms when I couldn't lift my arms, getting my meds, making meals, etc.  For loving my body like it never changed.  For missing the same things that I lost with my "old body".  For being the man in my life that loves me unconditionally with an overflowing heart, patience and forgiveness.  For his goofy silly antics that make me laugh and call him a "goofball".  For his laugh when he finds himself so funny. For his dedication to his job.  For being the kind of man that I want my son to be.  I love you, babe.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!  Be sure to tell those that you love you are thankful for them.  You never want to miss the opportunity to do so.

{the vfwbp}

My blog is titled "CrossFit, Family and Life in Between". It seems like I post a lot about CrossFit and a lot about "Life in Between", but not as much specifically about "Family". So this begins a series of posts dedicated to family.

If you know me, you know that I love baked goodies, cookies, brownies, cake, etc. and I LOVE to bake, especially this time of year. However, because of how we choose to eat I hung up my baking apron a long time ago and rarely put it back on. I miss it. I love the smell of something delicious baking. I love seeing the finished product cooling on wire racks on my countertop. I miss biting into a hot, gooey cookie right out of the oven. I miss looking through my cookbooks and finding new sweet treats to bake on a cold Fall or Winter day. I have three favorite cookie cookbooks. I have had others over the years, but these three made the cut when downsizing my cookbook collection. I still love sitting and looking through them, maybe drooling a little, though I rarely make anything out of them.

I bought this cookbook when we lived in Nevada and I was in my "country" decor and craft phase. There is a whole series of these books. Great country crafts, homey recipes for comfort food and fun family tradition stories and ideas. This is the only one I have left of the handful that I had.

This book has a special place in my heart. If you were to ask me what my favorite gift is that Tony has ever bought for me I would say this cookbook without hesitation. Not long after we were married when we were in college and broke, of course, we were living in married student housing at Montana State University. Tony worked almost full-time at the Safeway grocery store. He came home late one night from work with this $6.95 cookie cookbook for me and said, "I saw this and it made me think of you." It made my heart happy. I love this cookbook. :)

This cookbook is also from my country, crafty phase. I loved the Taste of Home magazines that I got in the mail every other month. The recipes were so yummy and perfect comfort food. But, I soon outgrew these cookbooks as our diet changed, but of course, the cookie cookbook made the cut and still has a permanent place on my cookbook shelf.

So now that my love for everything cookies is pretty apparent, I will get to the main reason for this blog post. I search for and hold onto things that bring me comfort. I love things that make my life feel settled and bring calm to my life. With a busy family of five sometimes that is hard to do. I've decided that I want to bring baking back into my days because it is one of my happy places. I don't mean Paleo friendly baking. I don't care who you are you can't honestly tell me it is the same. The texture isn't the same, the taste isn't the same and the joy of making sinful goodies isn't the same. So I have decided that we are going to start a Vanorny Family Winter Baking Project, a VFWBP if you will. :) Every week we are going to take turns choosing a new sweet treat recipe from our favorite cookbooks and we are going to bake them together. There are going to be messy counters, dirty dishes, fun pictures and great memories. Sometimes we will share our goodies with others. Other times we may decide to finish them off ourselves. Other times I expect there just won't be any left to even consider who to share them with they will disappear so fast. My youngest daughter loves to bake, but rarely gets the chance simply because we don't bake much or eat many baked goods in our house. This bums her out so I am excited for her to do something she loves. We will enjoy in moderation and I expect my workouts on Monday may not feel that great, but for the wonderful memories as a family and hearing Kenna say, "This is going to be SO fun!" I am willing to take that chance.

So our Fall of baking is put into action by Abigail. Yesterday she wanted to make a spice cake, but we didn't have the ingredients for the frosting she wanted so she decided on pumpkin bread instead. We all agreed it got two thumbs up!

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Ingredients
3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 (16 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup water

Directions
In a large bowl, combine sugar, oil and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine dry ingredients; add to the pumpkin mixture alternately with water. Pour into two greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 60-65 minutes or until bread tests done. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack; cool completely.

I think this was best after it was cooled, wrapped up and sat overnight. Yummo! So moist and delicious! Enjoy!

{amazing things happen}

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer I ran into a friend. She told me a little story about a gal she knows that is a survivor. Well after she had gone through treatment she received a call from a breast cancer organization asking for donations. She told them she had given breast cancer enough and wasn't going to give it anymore. Part of me was saddened by this, that cancer can have such a strong effect on somebody even after you are healthy and healed again. Part of me could also understand her way of thinking and I wondered if I would feel the same after all was said and done. When the Relay for Life came around I kept thinking that I should make the effort to join a team or start a team at our gym. I didn't have it in me. A small part of me felt that way. I don't have anymore to give to cancer. Then October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, rolled around and a dear friend of mine found herself going through what I did. All of a sudden I felt this desperate feeling that I couldn't NOT do something to raise awareness, for my friend, for other women I know, for women who will be diagnosed, for me. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way when October rolled around. All along I had thought about doing some kind of workout or fundraiser, but I didn't know if I would actually get around to making it happen. Well, happen it did.

With one week to plan (our original date was opening day of hunting season and you don't mess with hunting season in our neck of the woods) I jumped in feet first into planning chaos. Okay, not really chaos, but busy, craziness. By nature I am NOT a fundraising kind of girl. I don't like asking friends (usually only friends) for money or to buy things from my kids. Anytime that our kids have been involved in activities that involve fundraising we skip the fundraiser and just make a personal donation. Fundraising brings images of kids selling magazines, wrapping paper and other overpriced trinkets. Girl Scouts tempting us with their annual cookie sales (One of the last times I bought Girl Scout cookies they sat in my pantry untouched for about a year. How does that even happen one might ask? Honestly, I have no idea.) Then somewhere along the way the Boy Scouts jumped on board and started selling popcorn. Thank goodness for my arse they quit selling chocolate covered caramel corn. It's my kryptonite! So this is what comes to mind when I think of fundraising. I don't like fundraising because it seems so little of the amount sold actually goes to the organization. I just researched this a bit regarding Girl Scout Cookies. The troop that does all the work selling mass quantities of cookies keeps about 14% of the sales, about $.49/box. I know there are other costs to be covered, but those girls and troop leaders work their tail off to sell those cookies.

So like I said, I'm not a fundraising kind of girl, except, for this time. This time it is personal. This time it is something I believe in. This time it is something that brings tears to my eyes when I sit and think about it. This time it is something that is SO important to the lives of so many women. This time not planning something wasn't an option. So with one week to plan I went way out of my comfort zone to pull together something that is so important to me. Something that makes my chest ache because I feel like I can't do enough.

During the month of October, CrossFit gyms across the country host "Barbells for Boobs" events to raise money for a wonderful organization in Southern California. This organization provides grants to other breast cancer organization and provides free mammograms to underinsured and uninsured women across the country. I looked into hosting a "Barbells for Boobs" event, but I wondered how many of those dollars we would see here in our little corner of Northwest Montana and would people really be excited about donating money to an organization in Southern California. I wanted all of the money we raised to remain local. I wanted to help women in our valley. So I did a little research and discovered we have a local organization that provides free mammograms, education and post-surgery prosthetics to women that can't afford these services. The Save a Sister Foundation. So I stopped in to talk to them, got their okay to use their name on our flyers and I went out to spread the word and raise some money for a great cause. I spent all day Sunday typing up flyers, sign in sheets, information sheets, making lists, brainstorming ideas, etc. Monday I posted and delivered flyers at numerous places in the valley. We invited fire departments and police departments. I went to the rival high schools in town and invited their staff, suggesting they wear their colors and some pink and was sure to let them know I was inviting their rival school, as well. I invited my doctor's offices that I have visited numerous times during my recovery and I visited friend's businesses asking if they might consider a donation. Asking for donations was easy. Making this happen was easy. People appreciated that all the proceeds we brought in were going to stay local.

This morning was our fundraiser. "Amazing Grace" Raising the Bar for Breast Cancer Awareness. We arrived at the gym around 7:30 with great excitement. The kids were all ready to participate. They all wore pink. Kenna from head to toe complete with a pony tail sprayed pink. Ty wore a shirt that said, "I wear PINK for my MOM" and had a pink fauxhawk. Abigail work pink zebra striped socks, pink leg warmers and a bracelet that said, "My mom is a survivor." There was pink ribbon tied on the door. We had set up the night before. We had a training and warmup area to get our guest CrossFitters ready for the workout and we had half the gym taped off for the workout area. We had CrossFit ladies working the check in table and CrossFit friends working the tshirt table. We had water bottles with pink breast cancer labels printed with "CrossFit Flathead "Amazing Grace". We had the whiteboard all ready to write the names of people in each heat. We had five coaches ready to coach. We had our CrossFit community ready to jump in where needed to count reps for participants, strip weights, reload bars, help where they were needed, no questions asked. We were ready to get this show on the road.

We had more guest CrossFitters than we did CrossFitters join us! My friend brought her daughter and ten of her and my daughter's friends from school. We had CrossFit Flathead kids ready to workout. We ran two kid's only heats. We had four wonderful ladies from the Bass Breast Center and Save a Sister to support our efforts. My breast surgeon was one of them. In my welcoming "speech" I acknowledged these ladies and started to tear up and couldn't speak for a minute when I said that I should call my surgeon daily and thank her for making me cancer free. I didn't expect that, but I should have known that I would tear up sometime. We ran seven heats with an eight minute time cap. We ran 57 people through workouts in about an hour! Everything ran smoothly and everybody had fun. More than the money and support I wanted everybody to have fun and enjoy what we have in our gym, a great community of people.

My morning was amazing! I'm proud of what I did. I had a goal set for our gym to raise enough money to pay for five mammograms. 12 percent of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their life time. I guessimated how many women were in our gym and figured 12% of that number. Statistically five women in our gym could get breast cancer. That is at least how many mammograms I wanted our gym to pay for. We exceeded my expectations big time! Our community of people and our friends were so generous. If you are reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you!

My friend posted this on my Facebook wall today and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this, R.

"I will remember the pink ribbon on the door into Crossfit, I will remember opening the door and seeing a sea of everything pink, I will remember fighting back tears as you thanked your doctor and her nurses, I will remember not trying to fight tears as you fought GRACE and won huge, I will remember your beautiful family and your daughter's bracelet stating, "My mom is a survivor", I will remember Tony's sweet embrace and not letting you go after the gym was cleared and cleaned . . ."

Here is what I will remember...

I will remember my husband's support. I will remember my kid's enthusiasm and my son's eagerness to wear pink when that is so not his thing. I will remember my coach's hug and his text saying, "Very proud of you." I will remember PRs on the board. I will remember a friend saying, "Sorry I couldn't do 90 seconds." I will remember great workout gear: lots of pink (including the men), long socks (again, the men, too), a pink tutu-like skirt. I will remember standing still for a moment and taking in our packed gym and feeling the electricity. I will remember being the last person to finish my heat and hearing the gym cheer for me. I will remember doing "Grace" Rx in October, this was my #1 goal in the gym after my surgery. I will remember my surgeon coming up to me and giving me a hug right after my workout. I will remember my daughter counting my reps, my husband cheering me on and my youngest daughter coming and hugging me before my workout. I will remember all the stickers people were wearing that read "In honor of..." and "In memory of..." I will remember my friend's son, A, saying, "I worked out for you" and then giving me a hug. I will remember looking up into the crowd during my welcoming "speech" and seeing tears in my friend's eyes. I will remember the generosity of people, monetary and with their time. I will remember turning and looking at the empty gym as we walked out the door. I will remember the wonderful thing that happened at CrossFit Flathead on this Saturday morning.

This was a huge growing week for me and a week of working outside of my comfort zone. I found something I am passionate about and something I want to do more of and be a part of. I want to be a part of something that gives women the resources to be an advocate of their breast health. I have confidently walked into businesses and asked them to display our flyer and invited them to join our gym in a fundraiser for a great cause. I have asked people if they would like to donate money to a great local foundation without feeling uncomfortable asking for a donation. I walked into the police and fire department and spoke with their respective chiefs about our fundraiser and asked them to join us. I stood up for myself and for something that is dear to me and that I believe in and in turn hopefully one person learned a lesson in kindness and respect. I found something that I want to be a part of. I found something that makes my chest ache because I think it is so important. I found something that brings tears to my eyes when I see what I can do for this "something". After all is said and done, I found something greater than the memory of having cancer.

"Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something."

{breast cancer revisited}

Last week I found out a dear friend of mine has breast cancer. Her sibling called me to tell me because she wasn't up for a phone call yet and wanted to talk to me a little bit about it. It was like somebody sucker punched me. I knew that someday somebody I knew or a friend of mine would get this horrible news, that she had breast cancer. I just wasn't prepared for it to be so close to home or so soon after I had just gone through this. Every emotion, every fear, every worry came flooding back. It opens up a wound that is still pretty raw. A wound that is pretty healed over, but cancer is such a deep cut that it takes a long time for it to totally heal and feel strong enough of to withstand any kind of blow. It makes me sick to my stomach that my friend is feeling everything that I felt. I can feel all of it like it was yesterday or like I am still in the middle of it. The uncertainty, the feeling that the process can't move fast enough, the fear that it will spread and grow while you are playing the horrible "waiting game", every unknown that you worry about, everything that makes you want to sit in the corner of your couch and cry and just be sad and scared.

We have exchanged texts over the past week and today we met over tea to talk. She wanted to be flooded with information, knowledge. Knowledge is power. I feel it is just knowing what to expect that can ease some of the fears. That is what I wanted to share with her. I didn't have that. I didn't have anybody that had recently been in my shoes to give me this information. Somedays I felt like I was floundering for something that would tell me what it would be like on the other side. So I told her things that I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been prepared for what my reconstructed breasts were going to look like when I woke up. How horribly swollen they were and how bruised I was, that I have pictures of a few of the recovery stages if she would like to see them. How you won't be able to push yourself up to a seated position in bed with your arms because it hurts so bad. That a chair that reclines a bit with an ottoman was so much more comfortable than my bed. The tingling as the tissue heals and the itching that you can't satisfy because your breasts are numb and you can't feel anything when you touch them. The uncomfortable contraction of the pec muscles as the stretch and heal. The tightness and range of motion you lose in your chest and arms. Be diligent about getting it back. There were so many things I wanted to share with her that I didn't know going into this.

We talked about so much in three hours over tea and could have stayed longer (as it was longer would have been okay since we both already had a parking ticket by the time we left). I just wanted to say something that would totally ease her mind. But, I know from experience there isn't anything that can be said that does that. Until the waiting game is over, the cancer is gone and the recovery has run it's course there isn't anything that can be said that really eases your mind. So all I can do is be there for whatever she needs from me.

After I was diagnosed a friend told me that maybe this happend to me because I was meant to slay the dragons so that I could help somebody one day. I think today I helped her, she needed somebody to talk to that fully understood. It helped me, too. It helped to talk about it and remember all that I have overcome and it is always good for the soul to help and comfort somebody you care about. So I guess I did slay a dragon so that I could one day help somebody slay their own dragon. I still wish I hadn't had to and I so wish she wasn't right now. But, it is what it is and we both move forward in each our forward directions. She has always been such a wonderful friend and was a wonderful friend when I was doing my slaying. But, now we have this connection. A connection that many people can't understand unless you have been there. An understanding of fear, worry and the unknown. Breast cancer makes sisters of two people that wouldn't have had that bond otherwise. I'm blessed to have this friend and I wish her all the strength and peace this world has to offer. Dragons beware and prepare to be slain.

{the day my life stood still}

Nineteen years ago my life changed forever. The woman I would become changed. The mother I would become changed. My sister posted a status on Facebook today that said it perfectly, "‎19 years ago the world lost an amazing woman, and the heavens gained an angel." 19 years ago, three days after her 38th birthday I lost my mom...tragically. 19 years ago Tony came home from work at 5:00, an hour early for his dinner break, with my aunt, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He walked into our tiny college studio apartment, walked past me and turned off the stove where I was boiling bell peppers to make stuffed peppers (I remembered it as steaming broccoli for dinner, but Tony said it was stuffed peppers and that is one reason he has never cared for stuffed peppers). He came back to me and told me my mom had taken her own life. 19 years ago my life came to a numb, screeching halt. I remember dropping to the floor screaming, but feeling numb at the same time. I remember so many things about that day and the week following so vividly. I could tell you what I was doing earlier in the day and the hours leading up to Tony coming home that day. I can still recall the pain I felt as I sobbed myself to sleep that night next to my husband, my then fiance. My rock then, my rock now.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. So many times I think that I am still very young, yet older than my mom will ever be. I have thought many times that next year on November 21st I will have lived more of my life without my mom than I did with her. I have thought many times this year that I was diagnosed with cancer at the same age that my mom died. Many times I have felt sadness for having more time with my mom than my siblings did. There are thousands, millions of moments that I think about my mom and have needed my mom. I remember so many times during that first year of not having my mom walking to the phone and picking it up to call her and then stopping and remembering she was no longer there to call. Getting married eleven months after her death and not having my mom with me on my wedding day. I was a miserable person that year leading up to my wedding. I couldn't imagine getting married without my mom. I remember thinking after my wedding I was so glad to be married so I wouldn't have to think about not getting married without my mom. I missed my mom everytime I found out I was pregnant, the day I lost a pregnancy and the day my three beautiful children were born. My first daughter named after my mom. Many moments I was so happy and proud of accomplishments that I would love to share with my mom. Hard times that I will never be able to go to my mom for advise or just somebody to talk to that might understand. I miss my mom everyday. She had no idea the void she would leave in so many people's lives. She told me once that when she died nobody would be at her funeral. We had to move her funeral to a church because the funeral home wasn't near big enough for the people that were expected. There was standing room only in the church. If she could have only seen how many people loved her. See how many lives she had impacted.

One of these people comes to mind many times when I think about this day. I went to school with a girl. I don't think she ended up graduating, but I had gone to school with her since elementary school. Her family didn't have a lot of money, her hair wasn't always fixed and her clothes weren't always clean. None of this took away from her being a nice girl. My mom would see her occasionally and always go out of her way to be kind to her and accept her when maybe so many people didn't. This girl would stop in where my mom worked just to say hello to her and my mom would always make time to say hello and chat. When we arrived at the funeral home for the first time to begin making arrangements there was already a message for me from this girl saying she had heard the news and she was so sorry. As we were were leaving the funeral home that day she was walking down the block toward me and was one of the first people to mourn my mother's death with me. This was the impact my mom made in people's lives. They mourned her absence. Tony commented on my, "I miss you, mom..." status today. A little story about my mom that he has shared with me many times. He posted, "The thing I will always remember is the way she looked at me when I came out to visit for the first time. She didn't know me from Adam and she had this look in her eyes of total acceptance and love. She was a beautiful woman." Always full of love for those that needed and deserved it.

Friends and family still tell me how much they loved and miss my mom. Had she only known there would be standing room only at her funeral, maybe, just maybe she would still be here with us. Here to see here six grandbabies. Here to see her children graduate from college and get married. Here to shine her smile on everybody around her. Here to see the adults her children have become. For 19 years I have hoped that she wasn't thinking of me and my siblings in those moments before she took her life. If she had been I like to think she wouldn't have made the choice she did. That she would have made the choice to take back her life and make it hers. Not let those in her her life that hurt her take her power and make her feel less than what she was. I take the best that I can from my mom. I remember the good times and let the bad times slip away. I only want to remember the good times, the good memories are what I share with my kids. Someday when they are older I will share the harder memories. But, today I remember the good. I remember my mom with her impecable makeup that she spent so long putting on in the morning, separating each eyelash with a straight pin and painting on liquid eyeliner with beautiful precision. I remember her never leaving the house without earrings or her hair done perfectly. Everytime I sew I think about the amazing seamstress my mom was and hope she would be proud of the sewing skills I have taught myself. Everytime I wear heeled boots and tight fitting jeans and I run out the door late to meet friends I remember my mom running out the house in similar attire running late as usual. I remember her big beautiful laugh coming from her tiny, petite body. I remember her sending me care packages at college when I was homesick. I remember her loving me and calling me "mija", "my daughter" in Spanish. I remember the Christmas stockings she made and stuffed for me and my siblings and then my hubby when he came home with me for our first Christmas together. This is what I remember today. I miss you everyday mom and hope you found the peace you so desperately needed. I love you, mom, everyday for the rest of my life.

{a teary, wonderful milestone}

What were you doing six months ago? I was doing something pretty spectacular. I was becoming cancer free. Actually right at the time that I am typing this I already was thanks to the hands of an amazing surgeon. Today I had my first six month follow up appointment with my oncology surgeon. Until I am five years cancer free I will go into see her for regular checkups. For two years I will see her every six months, for three more years I will see her every 12 months, more frequently if there are any concerns.

My appointments will pretty much consist of a breast exam and to address any concerns that I might have. You might wonder why a breast exam since I had mine removed. Well, it is impossible to remove every single breast cell so the breasts, underarms and the area around the collar bone are examined paying special attention to the outer edges of where the breast tissue was removed. My surgeon told me that I have very healthy skin and that played a large roll the success of my recovery. She said if she has to do surgery on a "30-something" woman, it is nice to have to do it on a healthy one. For some reason I have more scar tissue on my left side, but continuing to work with my physical therapist with help with that. She told me that my plastic surgeon does a very good job and only about 10% of women will have the results I did and she was very happy I was one of them. :-) So am I!! I was also informed I would not have to have regular mammograms anymore. I have been told by other survivors to consider having them on the small chance that cancer reoccurs in the small bit of breast tissue that was left behind. I will research that and discuss it with my doctor at my one-year checkup.

I also brought my $48 mastectomy tank with me and asked if she had a patient that could use it. I have no use for it and it seemed such a shame to just toss it out when there is probably a woman out there without insurance that can use it. Sure enough they have a bank of items available to patients in need. It felt good to leave it for a strong woman that was going to hopefully conquer her own battle. At the end of my appointment my doctor handed me a sheet to keep filed away with my important papers that listed everything I had done, the date of my mastectomy and reconstruction, what my diagnosis was and the date diagnosed, the doctors I had, etc. She said thirty years down the road if the information was needed I would have it all in one place. A very nice piece of paper to have. When she was going through the information I discovered my cancer had been upgraded from Stage 0 to Stage 1 because of the small invasive tumor that was found during my surgery. For some reason this kind of made my stomach sink even though it is of no danger to me anymore. I guess I just liked the sound of Stage 0 better than Stage 1. She also handed me a pamphlet titled, "Now What? Resources for Healthy Survivorship." It is a pamphlet her office had printed up that included general appointment and mammogram schedules, other general post-recovery information and a list of local rehab and support group resources. A very useful list of information, all in one place, in one small packet.

I left my appointment into the warm, sunny day smiling and feeling just flat out happy!!! I expected a clean bill of health, but having your brilliant surgeon tell you is such a different feeling. I also didn't expect to be affected so emotionally by my check up. I had to keep myself from tearing up on the drive home. I walked in the door smiling and told Tony I was given a clean bill of health he smiled and kissed me. That was when I wrapped my arms around him, he wrapped me up in his arms and I cried. Six months cancer free. It is a good place to be. I was never fearful for my life after I was diagnosed, but I was scared on so many occasions, frustrated on just as many occasions and just sad on many other days. Thankfully I think I have felt better more often than not and I am proud of myself for that. I feel one of my biggest battles is to be a more positive person and overall I feel I have faced this time of my life head on with a good attitude. A friend who is having some health concerns right now asked me for some advise. All I could tell her is that you have to take everything moment by moment. I also told myself many times that regardless of news that I received there wasn't anything I could do about it, nothing I could do to change the news. My only option was to move forward and begin my journey to the recovery side. One day at a time is the only way to get to tomorrow.

Last week a friend said, "Six months already?! Though I'm sure it feels much longer to you." Looking back it really seems crazy that six months have passed. However, there were certain stages of that six months that felt like they would never pass. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. On my one month mark of being cancer free a friend said, "Before you know it it will be one year!" I vividly remember getting a sick feeling in my stomach and thinking "I can't even think about one year!" It seriously felt like a lifetime away. Now I think it will be here before I know it. At many points of my recovery all I wanted was for 2011 to come to an end. Not anymore. I'm over the worst of it and now I just get to live free of anything weighing on me. No waiting for tests, surgeries or appointments, no recovery, no limitations or restrictions. Now I just get to move forward and it is a beautiful place to be. I am so thankful for everyday, I look forward to turning 40, 41, 42, etc, I cherish my husband and my family, I recognize the people that matter most to me, I know the value of true friendship and most importantly I recognize the strength and courage that I possess. Recognizing this strength and courage will get you through the worst days of your life. I was watching NY Ink a couple months ago (this won't surprise many of you that know me!) and there was a guy featured on the episode that was getting a tattoo in memory of his mother that had passed away in the past year. After it was finished he said something along the lines of it being a constant reminder of his mother and knowing she was with him all the time and he was just going to go out and live his life having nothing but good days because after losing his mother there could be no bad days because that was the worst day of his life. I have lost my mom, a best friend and I have had cancer. After experiencing those things there aren't anymore bad days. So I am taking my strength and courage, I am waking up everyday and I am having good days. There are no bad days left.

What Cancer Can Not Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the spirit.

{work it baby}

Work it! That's what I have been doing in the gym. In fact, two-three days per week I am doing two-a-day workouts. My chiropractor and fellow athlete asked me "Why two-a-days? Are you making up for lost time?" No, I wouldn't say I am making up for lost time. I am just impatient and I want to get to where I was before and get there as soon as I can, but only as fast as my body will let me. I have lost time in the gym. I'm not going to get that time back. So, I make the best of the time that I have in the gym. I have the luxury of being able to hit the gym twice a day a few days a week. I have a coach that knows what I need to do and what I am capable of to get my strength back. I have the desire to be stronger than I was before. I have "the strength to rise". But, on the road to every rise there are speedbumps. :( Fortunately, for me I may be hitting my first speedbump. About ten days ago while doing pullups I started to have some new pain right at the site where one of my hernias was repaired. I'm wondering if I may have tore one open again. Ugh! I had a quick chat with my coach to see if he thinks I tried coming back too hard. He didn't think so. I haven't been moving a crazy amount of weight. I'm avoiding the movements that my surgeon said she wanted me to stay away from for a couple more weeks. I'm listening to my body and I listen closely. I take an extra rest day when I need it and I avoid a movement if it doesn't feel right even if it felt right the day before. In fact, my belly started hurting doing a movement that my surgeon said would be okay. I'm hoping it is just some tightness from scar tissue starting to stretch out with new movements and I'm worrying about nothing. I will find out on Tuesday when I pay an early visit to my surgeon at 11 weeks post surgery. I'm saying many little prayers that I won't have to have another surgery to repair another hernia. So tomorrow I will workout like I have been, carefully and mindful of what my body is telling me.

So, I have my workout journal sitting beside me so I can update my last ten days in the gym. Our workout journals are a great tool to our success in the gym and are kept in a file cabinet in the gym. Everyday we write down the date, the workout, what weight, box height or modifications we used, if the workout was scaled and our time if the workout was "for time". It is also a place to write down what was going on for the day in your world. Did you eat right? Did you eat crap for the day or the night before? Were you running on very little sleep? Anything else that you might find important for the day that may affect your workout. I also add what time I workout. All of this is important so when a workout comes back around in the gym you can look back and compare workouts to see how you have progressed over time. Last week I opened my journal and found it is also a place for a little special note from my hubby. :)

Read on for my workouts on my road back to before.

July 15, 2011
"Nutts" WOD #1
10- Dumbbell Press 15#
15-Deadlifts 95#
25 Box Jumps 18"time
25 Pullups
100 - Front squats 15# (last 40 reps I did thrusters)
200 - Double Unders
400m run
19:31

WOD #2 "Press Ladder"
Dumbbell Press 10 reps
5-8-10-15-20-25(2)
Dumbbell Push Press 8 reps
15-20-25-30(6)

July 18, 2011
WOD #1
On top of the minute 3 burpees- complete 75 thrusters, 45#.
7:43

WOD #2
Deadlift
10 reps @ 75#
8 reps @ 95#
6 reps @ 135#
4 reps @ 155#
3x3 reps @ 165#

July 19, 2011
Back Squats #115
5-5-5-5-5
Bent Over Row
12-12-12-12
65#-70#-70#-70#
Straight Leg Deadlift
8-8-8-8-
95#-95#-105#-115#

July 23, 2011
WOD #1
Snatch Balance
3-3-3-3-3
45#-50#-55#-65#-65#
then:
30 situps
30 double unders
3 rounds for time: 3:50

WOD #2
Dumbbell Bench Press Ladder-feet up
10 reps
10#-15#-20#-25#-30#

July 24, 2011
Outrigger Canoe Rowing at Whitefish Beach!!!
Gorgeous sunny day with great people!!